RELATIONSHIPS; WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDREN

Why do we work hard at getting relationships, and then stop?

Many of us work hard at finding love: a romantic partner; or we think we really want children, and some of us work very hard at getting pregnant. Some of us get pregnant without thinking at all: thinking about the meaning of it all, the importance of it all.

Then we often don’t know what to do once we have those relationships. Why would we work so hard at getting something, and then just stop trying?  We think those things will lead to happiness, or we think that’s what we are supposed to do. We don’t realize we have to keep working hard and wanting “it”—and pursuing love. We have to know how to do it, how to do them. We have to realize we are working on love – developing and sustaining love. It’s important.

We think someone else is going to make us happy. That is the wrong mindset. Relationships are going to be successful and meaningful only when we invest in them and work on them. We want to find meaning and purpose in life. Relationships can help to provide that. Then when we find meaning and purpose, contribute to life, living, and love, we will find happiness.

So, each day we can contribute in a meaningful way, in a loving way, to relationships. We can learn, each day, how to do this, by reading, listening, and talking with our partners and children. Why do some people find it difficult to say, “I love you”, to show love? Why is it easy to be negative, controlling, critical, irritable, talk about problems, but not to show love and caring?  It is often because we were raised by negative, controlling parents. So we have to let go of that and relearn how to do it. We first have to develop the attitude that it is simply not OK to be negative. We want to be positive and loving.

Possibly also, our parents raised us to be “me” people. When in relationships, we cannot be me, me, me. We have to be we, and me and you. I want to be fulfilled by this relationship, and I want you to be fulfilled by this relationship. My actions and words will show this. When parenting, I want to be fulfilled in my parenting role, and I want you to be fulfilled as a growing and developing person. I want you to feel loved, and thus become loving.

During our days we have to be aware of whether we sit with our loved ones and always discuss negatives: negative feelings: anger, fear, frustration, etc., problems, air grievances, and how much we discuss positives, gratitude, love, encouragement, and have fun. It is a good thing, maybe once a week, to discuss the problems and negative feelings, with a partner, but most of our time should be spent discussing positives, and touching base on how our relationship is going, and how we can strengthen it; what can we do today that is loving, fun, and that will help the other person to feel fulfilled and less stressed.

With children, and partners, our days should mainly consist of positives, and quality conversations, not with negatives. We have to ask ourselves why we are so obsessed with talking about problems and negatives. If we lived in negative, and turmoil ridden homes, we probably think that is how people interact; that is how people show that they are better than you, smarter than you. Those people thrive on negative, turmoil, problems, tearing people down. They simply never learned how to build people up, contribute and love. They never learned how to converse and have great conversations; how to be interesting, and interested. They create problems so that they can try to solve them. That is how they feel alive and the “best”. They value being better and more powerful than you. They value being right.  Great relationships are not about being right and wrong. There is usually no “right”. There are always options and choices.

So, this is not rocket science. It is simply a mindset, a skillset, and realizing your childhood was not done in a quality way, and that you want to do it better; not perfectly, but better; and that you will work hard at it; that you will work hard with your partner and child. It is a “we” thing. It is a love thing. When  I work hard to get into a relationship, I will continue to work hard to sustain it and make it great. I want to be fulfilled, and I want you to be fulfilled.

We also want to find a quality partner, know what we should be looking for, and not just fall into a relationship. Keep in mind that having a great partner will help to fulfill you in the love department, but will also make parenting very fulfilling and effective. Its important!

Please see more on these topics in my new book,  THE FLIP SIDE OF BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: A Journey Through Life and Love; The Most Important Book on Parenting and Relationships, at Amazon.