RELATIONSHIPS; WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDREN

DATING

Online dating in middle age is a great thing and a frustrating, bewildering thing. Middle age, newly single women strike out into the online dating world totally unprepared, with lots of new dynamics to discover about the pool of available, middle age men, some mind-blowing and dangerous. How does a middle age woman prepare herself, learn how to do this, and find a quality relationship with a man?; find the man who has improved with age?

 I recently read a book, written by a man, attempting to help people know if a person they are dating is the right one by the second date. The book is generic, not specifying whether it is referring to men or women’s issues, and it does not refer specifically to middle age dating, or any one stage of dating. As we have discussed in previous articles, dating in middle age is much different from dating in your 20’s, 30’s, and a dating, middle age woman faces issues dynamic to dating middle age men, and women’s issues. I believe that trying to make dating generic, or trying to generalize it, does not work for middle age people, or middle age women.

I do believe you can “spot” lots of positives and negatives in the first dates, if you know what to look for, and the questions to ask. But a word of caution: if the man is lying, hiding things, manipulating you, (or is mentally/emotionally ill), you will not have a clue in the first dates. Older men who are dating, and have dated for a long time, and have become desperate, (there are lots of them), have become very good at those things. An example is a man telling you he likes all the things you like, and then when you move in with him, you find out he was lying, just to please you, and “get” you. Then he becomes his true self. These are controlling men who value lying, cheating, winning (winning you over).

So to recap, it is just as important to spot the negatives in those first dates, as it is to feel and spot the positives. And you do need to know what you are looking for. We now know that just because you are attracted to someone, he makes you feel special, wines and dines you, impresses you with all his money(which may not be true), you feel butterflies, etc., there is much more to look for, and also negatives to look for.

To summarize from past articles: What women don’t want:
Negativity: Controllers:
1) Wants to control others; judge them, criticize them; give them advice, order them around; tell them what to do, when, where, how to do it; argues a lot; is often irritated, irritable(anger, anxiety)(anger: yelling, raging); has their own definitions of right and wrong ; “my way or the highway” attitude; there is only one way to do things: my way; perceives things and people negatively; looks for mistakes;
2) Doesn’t want to be controlled, told what to do; perceives ideas and recommendations as telling them what to do, or criticizing or challenging their ideas; when you have ideas they see you as thinking you are smarter, have better ideas than them; can’t apologize; can’t admit mistakes;
3) Is not in “control” of themselves: of their actions, attitudes, words, thoughts, perceptions; their lives are often out of control: jobs, relationships; can’t handle frustration; lack of patience; so they try to control their immediate environment: house, loved ones; value turmoil (so they can use their advice skills, obtain power, and get attention); are ego-oriented: have a need for approval; never feel they are good enough(due to how they were parented);
4) Has the need to stay in “their comfort zone”. This person was given messages as a child: it is not OK to make mistakes: they develop a fear of failure; so they do not usually try new things; They feel very “safe” in their home, sometimes at work, and doing things that they have always done and are good at; they are not terribly comfortable in social situations, unless it is a sporting event; they feel control when in their car;

What Women Want:
Positive: celebrates being positive, encouraging, kind and loving; a man who is thankful and grateful for all the good things
:To know what a man’s values and beliefs are; one would be to become self-aware and learn new and better skills, attitudes, perceptions, behaviors, so that we can be happy and contribute to happiness in our relationships. We need to know what our values are. Do we/our partners value power, control, being right, being the best at the expense of others, etc.? Or do we value kindness, peace, fun, happiness, enjoying the “now”, etc.? We, as adults, have to consciously decide to be positive, notice positives, and speak positives with those we care about: be respectful and encouraging, and not try to control others.
: Men who are good communicators. Controllers don’t communicate well. They argue, tell you what to do, criticize, order, command, yell, remind, nag, threaten etc
: Men who know what it means to be a quality partner and parent; Relationship skills versus control
: How to be with a woman: Eating together; a man who is touch with feelings, intimacy, romance: 1st date: eating together: ask him to close his eyes; what does he hear; then what does he feel.
: chores to be shared, learned,…
: men who are not empty inside: are …. are not “other directed”(directed by their ego);
: men who are mentally, emotionally healthy. No OCD, anxiety, depression, anger problems; has good stress management skills and problem-solving, decision making skills.
: an equal and nurturing partnership
: “Giving”
:Men who are not cheaters; don’t have addictions: sexual addiction; addiction to porn and masturbating
Men without tempers;

A man who:
Is fun; knows how to be joyful, peaceful; open minded; likes to leave his comfort zone and try new things; is able to plan and carry out special dates and plans all through the year;
Is able to leave his comfort zone and try new things, learn new things, relax and enjoy a vacation or outing with a woman;
Has a long list of things he does, wants to do, rather than a long list of things he doesn’t do, will not do;
Is able to be in the here and now; enjoy his time with you; rather than living in fear, regret, thinking about the past and worrying about the future. ( is caught up in past anger, sadness, guilt…);
Is affectionate, appreciative, encouraging and respectful; Is respectful of your feelings and needs
Is able to feel love; is sentimental, caring, sharing; is able to do this every week; not just on special occasions;
Celebrates options, ideas, choices rather than “do it my way; my way is the only way; don’t challenge me, disagree with me”; is able to compromise;
A man who is self-aware, has done self examination over the years, and has become wiser and better; is able to talk about how he was parented; where he learned about relationships and if he has learned how to be a better partner; knows where quality relationships come from;
Values sex and making love with a woman, and knows what that means; is affectionate at other times, other than when he wants sex: playful and sensual;

DATING: Things to notice on first dates: Are they good conversationalists? Have good eye contact? Do they wait for you to talk and then argue, disagree, one-up, criticize you, question you (why did you do that?), tell you what you should’ve done and how? Do they listen to you but not add to the conversation in a positive, fun way? Do they make fun of you (criticize you), even if in a sarcastic way (attempting to be funny)? Are they complementary, kind, encouraging, say funny things? Do they talk about the surroundings, what they see, hear, feel, smell (are they sensual)? What they like; positive things about the food, etc.? Are they pleasant to the wait staff? Do they complain? Do they complain about their job? Are they happy?, Or serious, reserved? Do they concentrate more on their food and eating than on you? Do they have good table manners?
Do they seem ego directed? Rather than inner directed. Do they “brag” about who they know, how they are better than others, what they do (rather than who they are, what kind of person they are), their fancy car…
Do they look healthy? (this is especially important for older men).

Examples of questions to ask on the first dates:
What is your fondest memory of childhood? What is your most negative memory during childhood? Do you think you were parented well? Do you think your parents had a good relationship? Find out how long they were together. What do you consider a good relationship? Tell the man what you look for in a relationship, and what are red flags for you.
What do you do for fun, relaxation?, Favorite foods, drinks?, Foods you won’t eat. What’s in your refrigerator? What is your favorite trip that you have been on? Where do you want to go if your wishes were granted? Do you go on vacations?
What comes to mind when I say, “sex”?
How many times have you been married? What ended your marriages? If they have never married, ask them why they think that is. (men over 45).
Do you like your job? If you had your dream job, what would it be?
I like men who are givers. I am a giver. What do you consider “giving”? (other than material things and paying for things). Do you enjoy planning, shopping, cooking together, or do you like to be cooked for and served? I would sometimes give by cooking and serving you. Would you sometimes also give by cooking and serving me?
If you could retire and go anywhere, where would you go? Or would you stay here, why? What do you see yourself doing during retirement?
If you had a million dollars right now, what would you do?

What you won’t necessarily discover in the first 2 dates:
-If the man has a temper; has anger issues; is easily angered; perceives things/happenings/words negatively; (picks fights); seems to thrive on turmoil, problems;
-What the man is like outside of his comfort zone: is like on “vacations”, in places other than in his home and his town;
-You will discover a true control freak when you move into his space. That is his space, his comfort zone. Older men have pronounced comfort zones and are often set in their ways, especially if they have never married.

What to do in the first months:
-go someplace big and open and look at the moon, stars, or full moon…or a sunset….is he able to see, feel, experience it with you, sit still? Is he happy here, peaceful, able to “drink it all in”?
-go on a “vacation” together; does he “do the beach” well? (or the mountains, etc.); Not a golf, tennis, or fishing vacation unless you do those things also. Does he snore every night? Is he a morning person? Does he seem lost on a vacation? Does he need you to plan everything and execute everything? Does he “initiate”? Does he know “what to do with a woman” on a vacation?
So, we really can learn a lot in the first few dates with a man if we date smart, and if the man is honest and acts himself. Asking intelligent, interesting, guided questions will at least reveal if a man is interesting, can think and speak on his feet, is fun, and is open to being questioned. If he answers your questions and has none of his own, be wary. You may be able to spot control and negativity, but maybe not, if the man works hard to hide all that for now. You can at least start to get a feel for if a man will be fun, interesting, encouraging, respectful, loving, and kind.

Also, remember that there is usually a lot to talk about on first dates. Controlling, negative, boring men have a lot of general, first date questions to ask. They also love to hear about your past “problems”, past bad relationships. They like to talk about their past, bad relationships, bad bosses, etc. Then they like to solve your problems for you and talk about how they dealt with their problems and bad people. Nothing is ever their fault of course. So, it is good to not talk about those things on first dates. Talk about positive things, the here and now, how you are feeling(your senses), the above questions and issues.

You will only find out when a man is “boring” when those first dates are past, the general, “tell me about yourself” questions are done, and a man has to actually communicate, be interesting, fun, affectionate, and positive.