What is love? What is life and living?

14 Feb 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , , ,

What is love? What is life and living?

“Most people, even though they don’t know it, are asleep…they never understand the loveliness and the beauty of this thing that we call human existence” Father Anthony de Mello

Dating single men over the age of 45 reveals a huge population of men who, in my opinion, have missed the boat on knowing what love and living really means, and really feels like. If we believe that  “love” is only loving your job and only your small family and small group of friends, we have missed a lot of love. That is unless your job involves working with beauty, creativity, closely with other creative and learning people, giving back, your soul and mind being nurtured by your job, and nurturing others and this world. You cannot love a job; a job cannot love you back. But you can love what it does for your soul and mind, and for others. If your job feeds you with greed, power, control, selfishness, the need to conquer, be better than others, the need to be a dictator, to destroy and conquer, that is not love. If you are not giving back to your staff, employees, to the betterment of the world around you, not mentoring, learning and helping others to learn in constructive ways, that is not love. If you live only in the business world, and not in the rest of the worlds, you are missing a lot. You live in your own little box.

If you think loving a partner means sex only, you are missing out. I don’t hear most single men over 45 say, “I need love. I need great long hugs and kisses and touch. I need the smell of her hair and to touch her skin, and to hear her voice and feel her soul.” I do hear, “I need to get laid.” I think these men equate sex with love and feeling loved.

The other worlds involve getting to know people, cultures, the rest of the world, learning new things, doing new things; experiencing new things and feelings; experiencing and seeing beauty, things being created and nurtured, thinking out of the box, exploring, having real fun, playing, listening, feeling.

These same men don’t read books, unless it is about work things. They will never feel the pleasure of reading, feeling, learning, expanding their world through books; touching their souls, minds, hearts. They can’t walk on the beach in peace and beauty. They are thinking about “things”. How I look, how the person I am with looks, last week at work, next week at work, what I am going to do next today, planning my day, my week, wanting to buy that beach house, what are we going to eat tonight, wishing they were back inside watching sports. The world, living, loving is passing them by.

Linda had been dating Mark in New Orleans for several months. They had fun together, but she planned most of their outings because he was new there and she knew all the fun things to do and places to dine. He wanted her to do this. She did notice however, that when they went to outdoor concerts that he seemed uninterested and would lay down and go to sleep, even though he said he enjoyed concerts. She of course felt no connection to him when this happened. Linda, when dating, would not react to something negative happening once or twice, because it may just be a fluke. But when patterns develop; when the same thing happens every time or frequently, then she takes notes.

Linda had of course told Mark how much she loved the beach and asked him if he enjoyed going to the beach. He said he had gone to many beaches/resorts but they were mainly on golf trips with guys. He didn’t really spend much time “at the beach” on these trips. He did tell her he could not swim and thus didn’t go into the water much. He usually just played volleyball, sat around pools, bars etc.  This is a man who had been married twice, for short times, and his wives had left him. He had spent more time as a bachelor than as a married man. He had had some short term relationships. Twice he took women/dates on a beach/resort vacation for a week. Both were disasters. He was not quite sure why they were failures.

Number one disaster: They were not getting along from the beginning; arguing, etc. So, the second day he went to the outdoor bar by himself. He met a married couple there who were not getting along. So he struck up a conversation with the wife and she sat there and vented and poured her problems out to him. This is his kind of conversation because he loves to listen to other’s problems and share his relationship problems: drown your sorrows over drinks. The man left and they talked for hours. He said, “We connected.” His date came looking for him and saw him chatting with the woman. She asked him what he was doing and he said he was enjoying talking with the woman. His date sat down and he continued to converse with the woman. Soon his date got up and left. “She was mad”. He didn’t understand why she was mad. She could’ve joined in the conversation. The rest of the week was spent not talking to one another and he just hung out at the bar and played volleyball; end of the relationship. He did not know why things went so poorly.

Number two disaster: They got to the resort and spent 2 days together, just dining and hanging out. On the third day she “was not feeling well” and spent the next 4 days in the room. He then hung out at the bar, pool, and played volleyball in the pool. (Never any mention of going to the beach on either of these trips even though the resorts were on the beach). He met a couple and hung around with them. It was his birthday and they invited him to a birthday dinner. His date was absent. This was the end of the relationship. He did not think she was really ill. He felt something had gone wrong, but he did not know what.

After hearing these stories Linda was starting to wonder about Mark, but decided to find out for herself. They planned a week-long vacation at a beautiful beach resort in Mexico.  This is how the week went:

Day 1: They spent an entire day flying to the resort. When they got to the airport in Mexico they were approached by time-share wolves. Mark listened and paid $50 down to get some free boat rides, etc. in return for attending a marketing session. Linda was not aware of these ploys and just watched, not knowing what it entailed. They went to the resort. They were tired. They checked in and Mark wanted to wheel and deal some more with the timeshare ladies there to see if he could get a better deal; he got some free drinks and switched to their timeshare appointment, instead of the appointment with the guy at the airport. They had to go back to the room to get the paperwork and show it to the ladies. This took about an hour. Linda asked if they could at least walk outside on the terrace and look at the beach and the resort and have a drink. Mark agreed. They went to the bar and Linda ordered a margarita. Mark does not drink tequila, wine, bourbon, or anything else if he had gotten sick on them in the past. He now only drank vodka and soda. So he looked befuddled and asked Linda what tropical drinks were good. She suggested a Mai Tai. He got it. They walked out onto the beautiful terrace, on the side of a mountain, overlooking the pools, beach, etc. Mark was looking at his cell phone. Linda chose a table. She sat so that she could see the views. He sat in a chair with his back to the views, still looking at his cell phone; no conversation. Soon Linda asked Mark what the problem was; why was he looking at his cell phone? He explained that he had gotten a text from the cell phone company asking if he wanted to do international texting, etc. He had accidently pressed, “no”, instead of “yes”. He was mad! “Now I will not be able to get my texts, emails, etc. He sat there for a long time trying to figure out what to do. Finally, Linda said, “ You know, we just got here, to this beautiful resort, and you have not glanced up at anything here, including me. You are sitting with your back to the views and are obsessed with your cell phone which you don’t need right now. You haven’t touched your drink, or me. Can you please deal with your phone later?!” He put it down and was glancing around, backwards to the views. He noticed people with little kids that were wandering around near us. He said they need to take their kids somewhere else.  Linda asked if he would like to turn his chair around and sit next to her, so that he could see the resort and beach. He got up and moved, glancing at his phone in his hand.

There they sat. Linda drank her drink and occasionally would say something like, “ The water is beautiful!”  “This resort is fabulous!”  Mark said nothing. He looked around. Mostly watching the people.  About a half hour later Linda said, “What do you want to do?”  He,“I don’t know”. She, “Do you want to go to the room?” He,“OK” . They took the golf carts to the room. The suite was beautiful, with a balcony looking at the beach and the mountains. Mark spent the next hour unpacking: he is OCD. He took the entire master suite closet, hanging clothes, not touching, putting his other clothes in perfect stacks, and took all the drawers.  Linda went and sat out on the balcony. He came and asked her if she was going to unpack. She said she would do it later. He told her they would have to get up and go to a timeshare appointment in the morning for 2 hours in order to get his $50 back and get some free things. Linda couldn’t believe it. She said nothing. They had a quick dinner at a resort restaurant and then went to bed: they were tired. They had not yet toured the huge resort.

Day 2: The next morning they got up and went to the timeshare meeting with the salesman: 2 hours of listening to a salesman. He did take them on a tour of the resort. It was wonderful, self-contained, with 6 pools on the side of hills, with swim up bars and food, 6 restaurants, and the beach and water just steps away from the main pool. The beach there was a no-swim beach. We did not know why. Mark said good, because he was not going into the water anyway.

When they finished it was close to lunch. Mark said they could go to the little market there and get sandwiches and take them back to the room. They got sandwiches, bread and jam for breakfast, water, tortilla chips and salsa, and V-8 juice. Linda asked if they could get some wine and a bag of coffee. The suite had a complete kitchen.  They went back to the room. Mark called his cell phone company and got his cell phone straightened out. They ate and then went to explore the pools and sat by one for a while. There was no touching, very little conversation: no romance! They went back to the room.  She sat on the sofa; he sat in the chair across the room. They watched some TV. He, “What do you want to do?”  She, “Let’s go to dinner. I noticed that a nice Italian buffet is tonight in the restaurant with a terrace overlooking the water.”

They went to dinner; No touching, hand holding. They got a table overlooking the beautiful views. Mark dove in to the buffet, eating for a long time; no conversation. Linda ordered wine; he did too, although she didn’t understand why since he doesn’t like wine. His wine sat there. Linda noticed his table manners were not good, and his ability to converse at dinner was poor. Again, she tried with comments about the views, etc. No response. He was eating. An hour later it was starting to get dark and Linda noticed that there was a full moon appearing right behind his head. She said, “Oh my God, look, there is an awesome full moon behind you!”  He did not look. She sat there baffled for a while. He continued eating. She drank her wine and watched the waves and boats. Half an hour later, she decided she would try again. “Mark, there really is a great full moon behind you, look!”  He turned, looked, turned back around and said, “It is not quite full yet, but will be in a day or two.” End of conversation. At the end of the meal Mark got a toothpick and proceeded to clean his teeth for about 15 minutes; Then hung it out of his mouth. It was gross. He did this at every meal. They went back to the room. They turned on the TV. They turned on an HBO movie. She sat on the sofa. He sat in the chair across the room.  15 minutes later he was asleep in the chair, snoring. He also snored at night. She got up and went to watch the movie in bed. Later he woke up and she could hear him go out onto the balcony. He did not come check on her. She imagined he was looking at the full moon, but obviously didn’t want her there. She went to sleep. Hours later he came to bed and immediately started snoring. No touching. She would punch him. He would roll over and start snoring again. She got up, took her pillow and blanket and slept on the couch. He came in the middle of the night and told her to go back to bed; he would sleep on the couch. So she did.

Day 3: He always gets up early: between 5:00 and 6:00. He got up from the couch and went directly out to the balcony to sit; Never came into bed with her. She heard him get toast and juice and go back out. She laid there for hours hoping he would eventually come to bed so that they could get amorous; Never happened. He came in and took a shower in the hall bath and got dressed. She got up. Linda loved to sleep in on vacations but was finding it difficult there with him. There also was no reason to sleep in. He went back onto the balcony. She fixed coffee and went out. She said, “Good morning!”, and was going to give him a good kiss, but she got a chilly hello and a closed, tight mouth; so it was a quick peck. Again she tried some small talk: the weather, the beauty, the water… she got nothing back. She, “What do you want to do?” He, “I don’t know”.

The resort was near a small Mexican town. On the way in the driver and people in the van told us of a “famous” bar and restaurant in town owned by an American rock star. They had good music and bands. Linda recommended they go into town for dinner and stay for music. Mark agreed. In the meantime, Linda realized Mark was not going to recommend going to breakfast, so she ate a piece of toast. She asked if he wanted coffee. He said, “A little”. She fixed him coffee. It sat there. Linda asked if they could go to the beach. He, “and do what?”  She, “enjoy the beach and the water”. He, “but you can’t get in”. She, “it’s OK, just enjoy being at the beach.” She brought towels and sunscreen; offered to put it on him. He, “No, I’m wearing my shirt and hat”. Linda walked out in her bathing suit. This was the first time he had seen her in a bathing suit, and she thought she looked great. He said nothing. He had no desire to touch her or initiate anything. She was weirded out.

They get to the beach: she goes to put her toes in the water. The guard tells her not to do that. She is weirded out. She lays the towels down and sits on hers. Mark lays down, puts his hat over his face and either goes to sleep or zones out: no conversation; no looking at the sights; no enjoying the waves, beauty. Linda sat and enjoyed the beach, feeling very much alone and disappointed. After an hour, she recommended they go up to the pool to cool off in the water. They found chairs. She said, “let’s go in the water.” He didn’t. She did- alone. After a while, she asked if he wanted a drink from the swim-up bar. He said no. She went and got one, by herself. She went to lay back in the chair. About 1:00 she was getting hungry and wondered if he was ever going to ask her if she wanted lunch—or initiate anything. He didn’t.  She, “Do you want to get some lunch?” He, “yes”. She, “Do you want to order here at the bar?”  He, “yes”. She summoned a pool man. They ordered lunch and ate. She, “Do you want to go back to the room?” He, “OK”. They went back to the room. She opened the wine and asked him if he wanted some. He said, “A little.”  His wine sat there. She said, “You know if you don’t want coffee or wine all you have to do is say ‘no’.” He, “I am just being polite”.  She, “No, please just say no thanks; I don’t want to waste wine.”  She found him weird. She went out onto the balcony to drink the wine. He sat in the living room.

Soon, she came in and took a long, hot bubble bath in the beautiful garden tub with views.  He stayed away. Amazing. They dressed to go into town and catch the van. They went to dinner at the famous bar/restaurant; very little conversation. At the end, Linda asked if they could go look at the bandstand and courtyard and inquired as to when the music would start. They walked to the back. It was great and one band was starting soon. Linda was going to sit at a table when Mark said that he did not want to stay. He was tired. They caught a cab back to the resort. When they got back, they turned on the TV, turned on a movie, she sat on the sofa, he sat on a chair. She poured a glass of wine. She asked if he would like to come sit on the sofa with her. He came and sat a yard away. 15 minutes later he was asleep. She went out onto the balcony, bored to death. This is not the way he acted in New Orleans. They went to clubs all the time with live music. He seemed to enjoy it and drank lots of vodkas and sodas. They danced and had fun. Now all of a sudden he was a non-drinker. In New Orleans they had a normal and good sex life although it was only on weekends. Yes, going with someone on a week-long vacation reveals things! They went to bed, he snored. She went to sleep on the couch.

Day 4: He woke up at 5:00 and came in and told her to go get in the bed. She did. He went into the living room. She woke up later and looked out onto the balcony and saw him sitting there. She laid there for a while hoping he would come back to bed for cuddling, etc. He didn’t. Finally she went out to the balcony. It was time for a talk. She went out and he was sitting there with a very contemplative, serious look on his face. She said, “So, you seem very serious and deep in thought this morning. What’s up?” He said yes, that he noticed that we were not connecting. She said, yes, they were definitely not connecting. She asked him if he knew why. He said no. So then she shared her thoughts. She basically reviewed the last 3 days with him, the way she saw them. She told him he was not initiating anything; had no plans, no ideas; had not touched her, held her hand, kissed her, sat next to her… She said there was NO romance, no nothing. She told him they obviously had very different needs and beliefs as far as who was to take the lead and initiate plans, affection, everything. She told him that early in a relationship she expected the man to take the lead, initiate plans, and affection. She told him he just was acting like he just was not into her.  She also told him that he knew how much the beach means to her, and he acted like he didn’t even want to see the beach, and that he pulled the “lay down, go to sleep” thing again with her. She told him of the 5 other times he had done this when they went to concerts and how it made her feel: not connecting with him, bored and grossed out that he was not able to get into and enjoy the moment with her. He asked her why she didn’t tell him before. She explained it’s because she waits until there is a pattern of negative things before she jumps to conclusions and says something. She explained to him that their evenings consisted of him sitting across the room and falling asleep. She explained the moon experience to him and all the other negatives she was experiencing. He said, “You go to bed early every night”. She said yes because he fell asleep and she was bored. She explained that if she had not initiated everything, she felt they wouldn’t have done anything. Mark did not really say anything nor have anything to offer to fix things. She asked him what he thought. He said he thought the big problem was the resort. It was all inclusive and isolated from the town, and the town didn’t have much to do, and the beach was a no-swim beach… He felt trapped there. He said he thought he asked every night what she wanted to do, but that there was not much to do.

Linda could not believe it. How can a man be at a beautiful resort on the beach and not be able to figure out what to do with a romantic relationship? And yes he asked what she wanted to do, but he had NO ideas, no enthusiasm, no great plans. She knew he was depressed that there was no volleyball…and he didn’t know what to do with a woman in a beautiful pool; never went to the hot tub…So, the problem was the resort! Linda told him that she was not going to initiate anything else; ask if he wanted to do anything, eat, etc. He would have to initiate. If any affection was to be initiated he would have to do it.  She did finally tell him that the toothpick had to go; it was gross. He said, “so?”

He seemed shocked. He said he was used to women initiating affection, touch. Mark had not gotten married until he was in his 30’s and had been a playboy before that; a big partier with the boys, drinker, womanizer and so always had women all over him; he was a “bad boy”. He never learned how to be with a woman because his parents were not into each other, ever. His father was quiet and never initiated anything. They had a bad relationship. Then he never had to “make plans” or be romantic with women because most hookups happened in a bar, with drinking involved. Sex came easily. Then he married. He still did not know how to be with a woman, except to have sex. His wife strayed. He met another woman and married; still did not know how to be with a woman and focus on building a strong relationship. He admitted he was a taker and not a giver. She strayed. Then he was bitter and angry, and fearful that he did not know how to do relationships with women. He realized he was a taker, but then never really learned how to be a giver. He did not know how to initiate romance and affection with a woman. While he was married he even hung out with men a lot; went on golf vacations with men. Linda realized that even in New Orleans all plans and ideas were hers. He wanted it that way. It was not because he was new to the city. It was because that’s how he operates. He said that he often thought he was not marriage material.

Linda realized what had happened with his two other resort, week-long vacations with dates. She had just gone through the same thing in the first 3 days: Lack of connection, romance, things to do, him not initiating fun or anything, boring dinner date, shoveling the food in. He was like a fish out of water at a resort unless there was volleyball, golf, buddies to be gross with, or strangers at bars that he can strike up a new conversation with, over a drink, and talk about problems, no strings attached. Linda also believed that because Mark had been alone for a long time, he enjoyed being alone, doing whatever he wanted to do, with no pressure, planning, or effort involved. He just needed someone to sit at dinner with, even though he does not pay much attention to you at dinner. He also likes to have sex with women. But the only time that happened was when they were already in bed.  He does not want a relationship to be work for him. He wants the women to make all the effort and do the work. He does not know how to nurture women.

So, Linda was ready to see if anything changed over the next few days. Later in the morning Mark did ask her if she wanted to go to breakfast and then to the beach and wander farther down the beach, out of the resort area, to an area that is a swim area. Linda agreed. They ate breakfast and went farther down the beach. This time Mark sat up and talked! They watched people living in the houses swimming and sunbathing. Mark suggested she go out in the water. She explained that she does not swim in the ocean alone, for safety reasons. Mark does not swim, so there was to be no swimming. In about an hour they walked back up to the buildings. Mark said he was feeling sick and hungry. He does not like to drink water and they had been sitting out sweating for a while. It was very hot. Linda had been drinking water all morning. They stopped in a store; she got a bottle of water and drank it. He did not. Then they went to the deli and got some sandwiches for lunch and took them back to the room. Mark wolfed his down. Linda ate half of hers and put the rest in the refrigerator.  They decided to go to a pool; one they had not gone to yet. It was very hot and they each got 2 Mai Tais. Linda got in the water. Mark did not.  He said he was feeling dizzy. They went back to the room. Mark laid down and said he had a headache and was dizzy from the Mai Tais. He still did not drink any water. He fell asleep. Linda went to take a nap in the bedroom. She woke up around dinner time and said she was hungry. Mark said he had eaten the rest of her sandwich and was not hungry. She went back to sleep.

Day 5:  Mark actually stayed in bed and the couple had sex. Linda took a long bath. Mark went out onto the balcony. They went for a walk and went to lunch. After lunch Linda wanted to take a nap. Mark said that he was going to the pool. He went and came back 4 hours later. He said that he had 2 mai tais and felt good. He had drunk water before and during. He was wet. Linda asked if he had gone into the pool. He said that he had and it felt good. (He had not gone into the pool with Linda at all). While he was gone Linda drank some wine, ate chips and salsa by herself, and watched a movie on TV. Later, they went to dinner. When they got back, Mark sat down and fell asleep.

Day 6: The day before flying out: They got up, had toast, sat out on the balcony, went to the pool. Mark did not get into the pool; ate lunch at the pool; went back to the room. Mark spent the afternoon planning for leaving: went to the lobby to book a shuttle to the airport, checked on the bills, etc.; was gone a couple of hours. He is a “planner” in every arena except his relationships; is OCD about planning trips, organizing paperwork/files, at the office; loves to plan flights, packing, unpacking, leaving a trip, checking bills and paperwork; but what occurs between flights: having fun and romance while at a resort or city, he cannot plan. When at home, his closet, condo is clean and organized, but he will not use a grocery list, thus forgets he needs bread, paper towels, can’t figure out what to eat: so he goes out to eat.

In the evening they went to dinner and he came back and packed for about an hour. They watched TV and went to bed.

Day 7: They leave. Linda knew this relationship was over.

Mark did not “love the beach”. Linda was not sure he had ever “sat” on a beach. He had never built a sand castle or “played” on the beach. He never learned how to “play with girls” on the beach.  Linda did not feel a connection with him, and knew that she never would.

We are not going to find love with people who don’t know how to love and live.

He never said he loved me: thoughts for Valentine’s Day

01 Feb 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , , ,

He never said he loved me: thoughts for Valentine’s Day

We have been talking about love; showing it, feeling it. It is a necessity when in a romantic relationship and a parent/child relationship. So it is time to start leveling, to be blunt; to make it “simple”. People ask, “so what do I do?”  It is not rocket science: say, “I love you”, just like that and in other ways, daily. Then show that you love a person by being loving and giving, being mindful each day. When you say, “I love you”, you should also mean it and feel it. It is possible you were also never taught how to love and feel loved.

Many men say, “My father never told me he loved me”. Is that OK? No, it is not OK. It is important to say it and to show it. This is another example of the dynamic that we should not go into automatic and do as our parents did. So, many men who were raised this way also sink into the thoughtless, mindless method of not saying, “I love you”, and not showing and feeling real love. Human beings are capable of thinking about what was done poorly in the olden days, and improving.

I was just watching a talk television show where they had a dad and his daughter discussing how to say I love you, in a certain way, and to do it each day. The dad has been diagnosed with cancer 3 different times over the years. The daughter is now 11 years old. Before his diagnosis with cancer, when she was in elementary school, he would daily fix her a loving bag lunch, and put in a handwritten note. She loved it so much that she saved the notes and pasted them into an album. When he was first diagnosed with cancer, he realized he wanted to not only continue doing this, but wanted to write notes for every day for the future, just in case he was not there, to last at least for the next 8 years. These are love notes. A simple way to say “I love you”, and to show love each day. You could tell by watching these 2 that they are very close and love each other very much.

Why do we sometimes wait until we are near death, or being threatened by death, to realize we have not been loving to our loved ones? It happens often. We have the opportunity today, while we are living, to embrace love and cause it to flourish. All it takes is putting effort, each day, into saying and showing love. Fathers of the past would cringe if we told them that their inability and unwillingness to say “I love you” and to outwardly show love to their wives and children, would cause their sons to not do well in romantic relationships, and to not be “loving” to their children; that it perpetuates a bad cycle.

It is so “easy” to say “I love you”. But men will tell you: “I don’t do it because my father didn’t”; “I don’t know how”, etc. Many men sink into extremes of behavior, modeling their father’s poor behavior, either being cold, quiet and uninvolved, or being loud, rude, and crude. We want to find balance in our behavior, attitudes, beliefs; in our lives. It is not really that saying, “I love you” is difficult. It is really just ineffective attitudes, beliefs, and sinking into automatic, refusing to think and learn effective ways to “do life”; to show and feel love. It is sometimes, “I don’t want to”. If we want to live happy, successful lives regarding relationships, we have to get rid of the, “I don’t want to” attitude.

We can develop the attitudes, “I want to do better than my father”, “I will learn how to show love and feel love”, “I will focus on my relationships each day”, “I will be mindful of my attitudes and behavior each day, regarding my relationships”, “I will love myself and do things each day, for myself, to show that I love myself, even though my father did not show he loved me. I forgive him for not knowing how, but I can do better than that.” “I will not perpetuate that bad cycle”. “I will work on stopping bad behavior, bad attitudes: being rude and crude, being negative, being cold and distant, being mean, being quiet and uninvolved”. “I can say to my wife and children each day, ‘I love you’. And I will feel it when I say it; take a moment to feel and be thankful for the love in my life.” If I unable to do these things, and to feel love, I will get help.

Relationships: How to be with a woman: Eating together

12 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: ,

It is almost Valentine’s Day, and many couples will “go out to eat”.

They say giving a man great food is a way to his heart. Sharing a meal with a woman, fully, with social etiquette is a way to a woman’s heart. It is a social and/or romantic happening. Often it is a “date”, and should be a date even if you are married. You can (and should)  make sharing a meal at home a social and/or romantic happening also. Often, however, men don’t know how to be with women. They are not taught social graces, social skills by their parents, nor how to be with a woman in a pleasurable or romantic way.  (social graces, table manners, also apply when you are eating with others). In middle age dating, it seems many men have never learned how to be with a woman; eat with a woman, converse with a woman at a dinner table. Many middle age men are used to being with men, or by themselves, eating, and don’t see any need to use manners, and have no need to converse in an interesting, intelligent, romantic, positive way.

Many men go out on “first” dates, to dinner, and then say that the woman does not want to go out with them again. This can happen for many reasons, but table manners, conversation, social skills are just a few things that can give a bad impression. So here are a few pointers for men:  Sharing a meal can be a wonderful “thing” to do with women, for men who say they don’t know what to do with women; how to be with a woman in a quality way:

The goals when eating with a woman are sharing good company, focusing mostly on the woman, not the food,  having a pleasant social experience, good conversation, good sharing of food and wine experience, an opportunity to sit next to one another(not across from one another) without distractions and just share an hour of eye contact, hand contact, and charming a woman. It can be very intimate!  Let go of these goals:(you learned as a child or when eating with men): to see who can finish faster, to see how much food you can shovel into your mouth in 10 minutes, to lick up every last drop(not waste food).

Please use table manners: chew with your mouth closed; hold your fork like a fork, not like a shovel. Do not shovel food into your mouth, smacking as you go, getting your mouth as close as possible to the plate; do not push food onto your fork with your fingers; do not put elbows on the table as you shovel; do not sop up your food and clang your fork/spoon 20 times on the plate/bowl at the end to get every drop; do not clean your teeth with your tongue or pick your teeth with a toothpick or anything else; do not hang a toothpick out of your mouth.

Put your fork down periodically, chew, breathe, talk, touch; share the food experience…

For women, eating together can be quality time, foreplay, sensuous. Many men go into automatic when they see food, regressing back to the caveman days when food was scarce and something to fight over, and pig down; or back to childhood where food and meals have all sorts of dynamics and connotations attached.  Eating together is just one example of how to be with a woman consciously, and not go into automatic or your subconscious habits and ways. Men know how to be with a woman at night in bed but during the day, every activity can be a wonderful experience filled with touching, kissing, hugging, eye contact, sitting close, sharing conversation and experiences, focusing on the other person, GIVING as well as taking, playing, putting effort into being with the person fully. If you are not good at it, you must focus, try, learn new behaviors and attitudes.

Another skill to learn is to focus on beauty and romantic things around you: the atmosphere, surroundings, the moon, candles, the place, the woman’s beauty, and senses being stimulated, smells, tastes, touch, sights, sounds (music), the sound of her voice, how you feel… say positive things, of her, the food, the waiter, etc….”I love…”

In New Orleans, eating out is a way of life, associated with great food, wine, music, company, sharing, finding a new place every month; it is a total food/life experience usually enjoyed with much gusto, joy and pleasure. SO, eating out with a date (or partner) in New Orleans is an easy way to enjoy time with each other. Make a point to find a new place at least monthly, or go back and enjoy a favorite with your love interest. The Gambit regularly publishes a list of the best restaurants, and best new restaurants,  including the top 100!  www.bestofneworleans.com .

Most of us, as adults, want to learn how to be better in relationships with the opposite sex. It takes, many times, learning new skills, behaviors, attitudes and examining and letting go of childhood ways, or the ways of our parents if they were not good. It takes, learning, exploring, growing, listening, watching, reading… or we can continue to operate in automatic, oblivious to the world, especially the world of romance and wonderful new experiences. Going out to eat, going out on dates, can and should be a special time. In New Orleans, dining out is a total experience; the food, all the stages of the experience(courses), sharing meals,  treating the taste buds and the soul, the atmosphere, the cocktails and wine, the music, the conversation with our partner, the waiters, the chefs, etc., getting dressed up… respecting the experience, your date, the restaurant, by showing respect, appreciation, asking questions, enjoying learning. Or you can go, eat…eat quickly, silently, wolfing it down, instead of savoring it. Learning how to savor the experience, the person you are with, is a wonderful thing. Do you focus on filling your belly or the total experience, and  being a great date? Eating with your love, going to the beach with your love: these are all examples of learning how to be a great partner, lover.

 

 

 

 

 

A unique and loving Valentine’s Day

12 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: ,

We have talked about how to use special days, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New  Years  to examine the ways we relate to our loved ones and improve;  how to become focused on love, encouragement, being positive, talking about and showing what we really value and believe; improve our thoughts, attitudes, words, behaviors: how to “grow up”, grow, become wiser, and live our lives consciously, rather than unconsciously, in “automatic”.

The first step is to get out of “automatic”. We need to go through each day consciously aware of being loving, kind, positive, with positive attitudes. We should not do it “as our parents did it” (unless they had a long and very loving relationship and showed us love outwardly, unconditionally);  we must examine our past parenting, and how our parents showed love to one another(or didn’t show love to one another), know what was quality, what was not quality, and how it affected us and our words, behaviors, attitudes.  We have talked about “controlling” people and that they are that way because of their parenting.  We do not want to be with controlling people unless they have gotten counseling.  So, again those are the basics.

We have to “grow up” first in order to love and be loved, romantically. That is work we must do ourselves; then go into a relationship. We must take responsibility for our own thoughts, actions, words, feelings, and know them, and be able to feel deeply.  We cannot play the roles of “mother” or “father” in a loving relationship. It will not work. Each person has to be at a place where they take responsibility for their own mature behavior, and let the other person be themselves. Grownups make responsible choices for their behavior and words: to be loving and to receive love. Then we grow in relationships. It is everyday things that matter most in a loving relationship, not the big events.  Do you only show love, give cards, buy flowers on Valentine’s Day?  If so, your relationship is lacking. We need to daily show kindness, politeness, consideration, thoughtfulness, relate(communicate) daily, encouragement, joy, intellectual sharing, emotional sharing, doing things together, sharing activities, interests; and let go of negatives. If you are not loving, and receiving love daily, then those “symbols” like flowers, candy, cards, become meaningless, empty; because they are “symbols” of your ongoing, everyday, love and actions towards one another.

This Valentine’s Day can look like this:    The day or week before:  sit down with your partner, “I love you very much. I want to discuss this Valentine’s Day. I want it to be different and better; the beginning for our daily expression of love. I think I have been in “automatic” in our relationship; not conscious daily of what goes into a loving relationship, and putting forth effort to show you how much I love you.  I would like for both of us to get off early  and spend the evening together, at home. (if there are children, get a babysitter).  What do you think? Do you have any ideas?”    Always pause after major thoughts and give time for your partner to respond.  “Let’s sit here and do some visioning, wishing, imaging, dreaming, of what we would like to do that night”. Sit in silence, and then share what your thoughts are/were.  “These are my thoughts. I would like to prepare a few surprises for you for when you come home. I would like for us to go grocery shopping together the day before and buy food for the Day. We must buy a decadent dessert; discuss recipes and how we will prepare the food; On Valentine’s I would like for us to cook together, eat together, with wine, candle light. I want us to sit together , with soft music, candlelight, facing one another and just look into each other’s eyes, touch all parts of our body(leaving out sex parts for now), and just “be”; no need to talk unless you want to.  Then talk about our past, our future, the now; what we are feeling, what I love about you, give compliments; be able to feel the compliment , receive it with love and say thank you;  review us, if we want to; share hopes, dreams, values; share what you want your daily lives to look like in love; talk about activities you can start doing together;(for instance, working out together at a gym or at home, or outside, can be very sexy: watching that guy/gal huffing and puffing, flexing muscles: great!)  what brings you joy;  touch while talking; kiss and hug when you feel like it; then when you are through talking, listening, touching, give each other a massage, with soft music, massage oil that smells wonderful…  ask what they like while massaging.  Make a vow to touch every day, and to kiss(really long kisses) and hug each day. Smile, laugh. Your gifts to your partner are smiles, thoughts, compliments, listening, touch, a massage. Try to recite your own “card”, and/or draw/write a card. Saying “I love you” is a gift. Allow yourselves to sit in stillness and reflect; talk if you want to. Learn to be in stillness with one another and think; look at one another.   “I want to let go of negativity, negative attitude, words, thoughts and express positives to you each day.”  “I will not try to control you, dominate you, judge you.”  “If I find I need to get help, I will.”  “I will love you every day; think of you and our love every day; put effort into it every day.”  “When we have problems we will talk about them lovingly; do problem-solving if necessary.”

YOU are the gift, the present to your partner! Every day! You don’t have to wrap yourself up in red wrappings(unless you want to!) but you do have to put in love, make yourself attractive to him/her, be “giving” each day. Material things are nice but not what truly will make you loving, or make you feel loved.

Make love at the end of the night if you want to. (you will want to)

The next day, reflect about your Valentine’s Day! ; what you loved about it! Say “thank you”.

 

 

Valentine’s Day- A day of Love

12 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: ,

We have another special day to celebrate love, relationships; to show the specialness of rituals and traditions.  Human beings want to love and be loved.  Some of us are equipped to love and be loved; some of us are not.  We have been talking about characteristics of people who do well in relationships, and of those who do not. Those who do not do well are raised by negative, unloving parent(s). They are often controllers in relationships.  We must know if our parents were unloving, unaffectionate, unaccepting, unappreciative; if they were negative, dominating, poor communicators, controllers, poor problem-solvers.  We have talked about loving yourself(but letting go of ego).  We cannot give love fully, or receive love fully if we do not love ourselves.  So this is always the first step: self awareness;  To know where we came from, examine it, then let it go and forgive; then learn new skills, attitudes and become a loved and loving person.  In order to love and be loved we must be willing to be vulnerable, to feel feelings, emotions deeply, and express them deeply. 

Following are the skills, attitudes, behaviors we must learn and use in order to be loving and loved:

These are the basics that we have talked about over and over. That is what we have to do as imperfect humans: think about positives every day; how to love and be loved daily:

Be open and vulnerable, able to feel all feelings deeply: joy, love, fear, grief, frustration; to be able to laugh and cry with a special person; to risk; to put your heart and soul “out there”.

Use unconditional Love:  I love you all the time; not just when you are “good”; unconditional love includes communicating when there are disagreements using respect, courtesy, good stress management, good communication, touching, reflecting feelings, good problem solving skills.  Let go of “I am right”:  

  • acceptance, “I accept you as you are”;
  • allowing people to just be: allowed to make mistakes;
  • show appreciation to people and to yourself: for who you are; for what you do to help: “I appreciate you”;  “thank you”; show gratitude each day;
  • give attention (positive): spend time together, have fun together;  if you are parents, go out on a date at least every other weekend; take care of your relationship: “the couple that plays together stays together”;
  • love (show love; say “I love you”); I love you regardless of how many mistakes you make, etc; (but I do not tolerate abuse);
  • kindness; encouragement;  patience. Let go of control. Forgive yourself and forgive others. Let go of irritability, anger, fear, ego. Say, “I’m sorry”. These are powerful words; very courageous. Controllers think these words show weakness;
  • respect: “I respect you; I will respect your thoughts, feelings, words, ideas, right to not be yelled at…”;”I respect YOU; I like you”;  “I respect your rights and your needs”. Peter’s definition of respect was opening doors for Linda. He had been told by his father to respect women. But he didn’t know what that meant. So he saw his father opening doors for his mother and thought that was it. He also saw his father belittling his mother, ordering her around, criticizing, arguing with her… When you constantly belittle or argue with a partner/child, you are not showing respect;
  • celebrate the wonders of this world with your partner (child); connect with nature and learn to enjoy simple things, simple wonders; experience joy;
  • ­­­­­affection:  give affection each day; not just affection aimed at “getting sex” ; intimacy on a regular basis; not just seductive affection; affection for good times and in bad times;

 Valentine’s Day, as with all “special days”, can also be a time for examination and reflection for setting new goals for love.  Set goals for improvement.   Special days with emphasis can be days that jump up and hit us in the face; wake us up to life and how we are doing.  Linda went shopping for Valentine’s cards for her husband of many years.  She was reading hundreds of cards looking for “just the right one”.  She started crying. She could not find one to express what her relationship looked like; what love looked like in her relationship; how she “felt”. There was no love left in the relationship. For years she and her husband “settled on” funny cards. They could not give a card saying, “I love you with all my heart and soul”, “you are my best friend and lover”, and all the other “mushy” things that cards say. Reading the cards made them realize that their love was dying on the vine.  They did not say it to one another anymore. There was no love expressed in their marriage.  It was time to get help or get out. There was no love, joy, affection, kindness, appreciation, intimacy expressed or felt.

Loving involves putting forth effort every day to love and be loved, to be positive and let go of negatives. Loving people has the effect of helping them to improve, to be better people. Being negative, critical, neutral, unloving, judgmental and dominating causes a person to withdraw, feel shame, fear and feel bad. It is not enough to “fall in love”.  We want to continue the feeling of loving and being loved each day, even in this imperfect world with our imperfect lives.  Love can be our haven from stress and strain, love can be wondrous. It should be a place to grow and learn, not to feel bad.