Sex in the city for non-cheaters

08 Feb 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , ,

We want to try to identify men who might become cheaters BEFORE we marry them!…  just as we want to identify controllers before we marry them.  We’ve already discussed controlling men and their tendency to cheat. So, one category of potential cheaters are controlling men. We already know we want to stay away from controlling men, who also lie, cheat, and manipulate. Another category of cheating men is those who are in a marriage at some point where they are no longer happy in the marriage: they have fallen out of love, fallen “out of like”, and they end up cheating. The marriage has died on the vine. The right thing to do at that point would be to either try to fix the marriage or get out. This is extremely difficult for some people to do, can be costly in money, emotions, sense of security, and can feel like a failure. But the right thing to do is to be truthful and respectful to yourself and to your spouse and get out or get help.

This category of cheaters is impossible to spot before marriage, but the other category, the controllers who will likely also cheat, can be spotted before marriage. My book is about spotting the risky men BEFORE marriage. Most new books out on cheating address cheating men during marriage and attempt to help women see the cheating and know what to do about it. Most of these books are written by men, and by men who have done research on cheating men (from the cheating man’s perspective: clients who are cheaters). They did not interview the wives of the cheaters to get their perspectives. (This may be due to confidentiality and the fact that some of the cheaters have not disclosed to their wives). Nevertheless this is a one sided research methodology, and not very revealing considering you are dealing with couples. None of the books talk about helping women spot potential partners who might be controllers and cheaters. This might be a little bit easier in middle age because you may be able to find out if the man has cheated before (but you may not be able to find out because these men are liars and manipulators). Needless to say, if the man has cheated before he may be very likely to cheat again.

Some of the books out now on cheating men (written by men) suggest that there is simply something wrong with the marital relationship. There are things missing in the relationship. Some of them say that the books are aimed at prevention also: telling married women what men need in a marriage to prevent cheating (good relationship skills). These books are simply more books on how to have quality marital relationships. There are lots of those!  But they also tend to blame the woman for letting the relationship deteriorate to the point where the man cheats. They say nothing about what the man has failed to do in their marriage to make it better. Marriage is a two way street and it takes two to make it work. You cannot put the burden on women! Some of the books say the typical relationship pluses such as, “the woman should show more appreciation (admiration) for the man and all his hard work, etc.”  “…more sex and intimacy”.  These books say nothing about the man showing more appreciation for the woman. They do not examine why a woman might lose interest in more sex with her husband!  (what a woman needs and wants from sex and intimacy: making love): what she is not getting from the man. So, in these books on married men, they say they want more appreciation, affection, attention, more emotional attachment, more sex.  These are the basics of good relationships besides respect, encouragement, fun and love. These books also do not talk about the fact that some marriages end because the people have “grown up”, changed, become different people, become incompatible, developed new knowledge about themselves, new wisdom, and learned more about what they value, need and want in a partner and in life.

These books on cheating men do not address why those things are not present in the marriage (underlying causes), what women need and the personality syndromes that can predict a man will become a cheater (controlling syndrome). There are books out now discussing a Tiger Woods syndrome. They are really just addressing the controlling men syndrome. My book is also addressing the controlling men syndrome and attempts to help women identify these men before marriage. Remember, we are not trying to identify the category of cheaters who simply become cheaters because of a dying marriage. We are talking about the men who don’t really know how to love, how to feel deep and abiding love. They have not seen real love, or felt real love. Their parents were not loving to one another nor to them (it is possible the father cheated on their mothers). Their parent(s) showed that they valued other things:    control, power, prestige, winning, being right, being the best, being more skilled than others…

One popular author says that the number one reason men cheat isn’t about the sex—it’s about seeking an emotional connection. The men he interviewed reported this as their reason for cheating.  He does not address the issue of controlling men who usually CANNOT feel deep emotional connections no matter who they are with….but they continue to try.   Yes, they are seeking an emotional connection, but they cannot “find” one because they cannot feel emotional connections with a woman. These men cannot feel “love”. They think having sex shows what it feels like to be loved and to show love.

Remember, when we are dating, we are sometimes looking for the perfect man. This is unrealistic but nonetheless this opens the door to men who will deceive you into thinking they are perfect. They will lie and manipulate regarding who and what they are and about their past. Then once they have you they become the person that they really are: controlling, negative, emotionally vacant, sex becomes mechanical and they move on to the next conquest.

We are noticing a large number of “successful”, powerful men in the spotlight who are cheaters.  They cheat because they can.  For them cheating shows skill, winning, sexual prowess and skills, that they are charming to women. Sexual orgasm with a “new” woman involves thrill, a hormonal high similar to drugs, excitement. They feel “things”; Not deep emotional attachment, but things. This is great for them considering they are emotionally empty. They lie to and manipulate the new women as well.  Most of these men were raised by controlling fathers who lived through their sons. If their sons became highly successful (in a prestigious sport or profession), that would mean they were great fathers.  They pushed their sons to be the best, to win. Their relationship with their sons (daughters) involved pushing the skill (sports, dancing, politics) on the youngster constantly. Their lives were totally out of balance. These parents never consider that one day the child will need other “skills”, other strengths, other traits, to make it through life happily. What happens to these children, now grownups, who can no longer do their sport, or are no longer the best, or lose elections?  Their entire life is wrapped around being “great” in a chosen sport or lifestyle.  They never learned people skills, kindness, how to be happy outside their glory “sport”, relationship skills, joy in little things, compassion, how to think of others’ wants and needs, how to feel love and emotional attachment. Their entire identity and ego is tied up in being the best at what they do, not in who they are. They never learned what to value, the most important values in order to be happy. They don’t have to learn people skills because people (women) throw themselves at them. They never learned to say “no”, “this is wrong”. They do not value truth. They value lying and manipulating in order to get what they want.

So, when dating we need to stay away from controlling men. Just by doing this, we will stay away from most cheaters. We must date them for a long time and move in with them (to some degree) to finally uncover the “real” guy. If you hook up with a very powerful, successful man you must find out what their values really are and if they are capable of love, intimacy, “making love”, emotional intimacy, feeling and expressing feelings, good communication (intimate communication), talking with you regarding serious, meaningful matters, and all the other things discussed in past articles. Are they able to lead a balanced life or are they consumed by their “profession”?  Are they going to be dedicated to the marriage and making it work and what is their description of these things?  If they were raised by a domineering parent who focused only on success/being the best in sports, etc., beware.  Did their fathers also cheat on their mothers?

We cannot look for “perfect” men, just as we are not perfect. So we must identify what qualities we must have in a man, which qualities are most important; which qualities are most likely to lead to happiness, intimacy, sharing, couple fun, mutual respect, compatibility, mutual growth and deep love.  Controllers are not happy people. They are looking for someone to make them happy.  No one can make them happy. They are content when they are in control; are achieving, winning, conquering you, competing, watching competition, judging others. Controllers, liars, cheaters often turn to substances,sex, possessions, material things to “make them happy”. Then they become addicted to these things. Soon their lives come crashing down. The controllers have lost control of their lives.

 

What Women Want: more on foreplay

05 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , ,

What Women Want: more on foreplay

 

“…a runner’s high doesn’t come from thinking about the end result; to a runner so affected, the end result is assured. Instead, they think only of the moment, one step, one breath, and one heartbeat at a time.”

 

The last article talked about what women consider foreplay. We talked about focusing on the moments during the day, one moment, one breath, one heartbeat at a time, and creating and focusing on those moments, not the end result, even though the end result will be wonderful if the moments along the way, the journey, are wonderful. It’s also good not to overdefine, over focus on the end result: the orgasm; Especially for those of us over 50, reality is that orgasms sometimes lessen in frequency and intensity, although if couples focus on lots of loving during the day, the end pleasure is more likely, and more pleasurable. As we age we have to redefine and re-invent our intimacy and love-making. We have to be willing to evolve, and not get stuck in ways of doing things, and definitions, from when we were young. It actually can be LOTS of fun reinventing closeness and intimacy.

 

While dating over 50, Linda experienced men who were hung up on, stressed about, the inability to get erections, have orgasms frequently, as they did when they were young. So, the whole issue of touching a lot, kissing and hugging a lot, etc. became an uncomfortable situation when men thought they were expected to “have sex” again when a women got close, and lots of” touching” occurred.  Maybe the couple had already had sex in the morning, and Linda wanted to “get close” during the day. A man would say, “ Geez, you are wearing me out!”.  He thought he was supposed to “perform” every time she got close and intimate. Communication is so important for couples, as we all know. But communicating at this time is also so important. Linda should tell the man that she does not expect erections or orgasms every time she touches him intimately; that she just wants to play and be close; that she DOESN’T want intercourse or orgasms (reverse psychology); but that she does expect lots of closeness, touching and intimacy with her partner. This will free up her partner to touch and accept touch without getting uptight.

Also, we have talked about control issues a lot. If you are dating a controlling person, you will notice that they also want to control when, where, how sex happens. A control freak will not like it if you have ideas, suggestions for how to make your intimate life more fulfilling and wonderful. Remember, controllers think that when you have ideas, suggestions, you are trying to tell them what to do, or criticize the way they do things. They don’t like to try new things, because they are afraid of failure and making mistakes; don’t like to leave their comfort zone. If you notice this behavior, run.  Controllers are going to be miserable as they age because they are losing their skills, looks, charm, abilities in bed, etc., and they are not likely to develop new skills, attitudes…

Dating, or loving, at any age can be enhanced by lots of foreplay and brain play(thinking about) during the day. Maybe we all should have an understanding that touching and being close does not mean jumping in bed and climaxing must follow. The pleasure of the journey is having pleasure hormones spread all over your body, tingling, feeling, getting to “know” your partner, getting to know every inch of their body, getting to know all sorts of touch and pleasuring, learning to play, receive and give, and just feeling GOOD, without feeling you have to do anything in response or as a final achievement.

 

 

 

 

 

What Women Want: the best foreplay for women

05 Jan 2014 1 Comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: ,

What Women Want: the best foreplay for women

So what is foreplay for a woman? Foreplay is play and closeness during the day that makes a woman want her man. Some men seem to think that foreplay involves touching a woman five minutes before they want intercourse; or, some men think foreplay is saying, “do you want to have sex?”, just out of the blue, and then touching her; or sitting across the room, and saying, “do you want to go to the bedroom?” Situations like this cause a woman to say, “no”.

“Play during the day”, looks something like this: sitting next to your love and kissing, really kissing, each day; walking up to your love and hugging; a long, hard, warm hug, lasting minutes(or more), rather than 10 seconds, each day; just walking up and kissing your partner in a meaningful way, and saying, “I can’t wait to get you alone”; sitting next to your partner and touching, and talking, during the day; touching erogenous zones during the day; finding interesting places to touch; offering to give sensuous massages; whispering sweet nothings in her ear, with a nibble; holding hands, and looking deep into her eyes, and communicating that way; walking up and touching her butt…; listening to music and dancing with your love;

It also looks like this: getting home from work, and saying, “I was thinking about your body today”, or “I was thinking, we need to go out this weekend, …”, or “let’s take the kids to my mom’s this weekend and have a ‘stay-cation’ at home”; or, “let’s get a hotel room in town Saturday night”; or, “let’s order out, put the kids to bed early, and …”.

We have learned that one way to enjoy life is to enjoy the journey; not just be looking for destinations. Men are often taught incorrectly to look for/value results, destinations: winning, conquering, being the best, the orgasm, being full, being better than the Jones’…  But if we focus on our journey we will learn to appreciate each day, each moment. Men need to learn to create and focus on moments. Focusing on closeness, relationships, showing love to our partner involves enjoying the journey: playing, touching, talking, foreplay. If a man focuses on getting to the orgasm, and skips the journey, he has missed the boat; he has missed lots of time and pleasure getting to the orgasm. If, while he is “making love”, he is thinking about, worrying about, getting to the orgasm, he is missing the joy of the journey, AND orgasms are less pleasurable when they are rushed(controlled) and thought about; when the destination is the goal. Our goals should be getting to know our partners intimately, getting close, playing, exploring, learning, improving, turning minutes into hours, giving, trying new things, building anticipation, longing, awe, wonderful feelings.

In a romantic relationship, if we stop really kissing, hugging, sitting close, touching, talking intimately, each day, or if we never did those things, our relationships are in trouble. This involves partners who think about doing these things each day. If you are with a man who only thinks about the fact that he is horny or needs to feel a release from an orgasm, you are in trouble. He is thinking about his needs, not yours, and not the needs of a romantic relationship. I don’t advise marrying a man who is uncomfortable with romantic touch, is not in touch with his feelings, and seems to be ego, power, control and destination oriented, unless he is willing to get counseling or grow through reading, discussing, and learning/exploring growth together.

And here’s a reminder: we are not cavemen who have to jump on a person of interest to be close or have sex. We are evolved, and hopefully evolving human beings. We know that humans need touch and closeness. Humans who are touched and touch often, are healthier, and their relationships are healthier. When we touch, hormones are released, including human growth hormones. Men who are uncomfortable with touch because they never got it from parents, were given negative messages regarding touch, or were only given negative touch: hitting, spanking, etc., need to get therapy, or accept touch therapy from their partner(it can be soooo good). Humans who do not get touch, are not healthy, usually. Babies who do not get touch, die or suffer from failure to thrive. We as loving partners, can EASILY touch our partners often during the day: easy and worth its weight in gold.

Relationships and Sex

05 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: ,

Relationships and sex

Another way to experience your partner fully is by “making love”.  Sex is very important in an adult relationship. You do need to know if you are sexually compatible. Sex is about sharing one another, in every way.  Controllers do not make for good sexual partners. The physical act may be good, but the other necessities are often not there. Sex for them is also for power and control; power over you, and controlling you. “We will have sex when I want it, and how I want it.”

Men in their dating profiles will say “love to touch, snuggle, etc.”. Those same guys who can’t “do the beach” (controllers) also can’t just touch and snuggle. Controllers tend to only touch right before sex. Touch means sex is coming, or sex will be next. And so, in bad marriages, touch actually becomes an undesirable thing unless they were wanting sex. Touch was not something wonderful that you do all through the day. Touch may lead to someone getting horny or God forbid, someone feeling things for the person they are with. A new dynamic in dating men in their 50’s, 60’s is that they cannot (usually) experience more than one orgasm in half a day, or a day for some. (or are just afraid they will not be able to perform). Most men, of course, still feel that when they have sex they must have an orgasm. This seems to be a source of uneasiness in this age group. For controllers sex is achievement oriented. The goal is to have an orgasm(the touchdown); to show talent, to perform.

So, suppose a dating couple has already “had sex” in the morning. For women, then, including Linda, they want to touch and snuggle during the day—it does not mean they want to have sex— or maybe it would be fun to “play around” again and not have an orgasm. But what Linda found in  beach deficit men is that the men felt uncomfortable touching, except leading up to sex. They clearly felt that touch, kissing, hugging, meant that they might have to “perform” again. That was scary. Linda actually had men say, when she hugged or kissed, or sat close during the day, “Oh my God, you are wearing me out!”. She knew what they meant— “I can’t do it again right now.” What she meant was, “ I love touching you, kissing, hugging, sitting close”. She knew she would not be compatible with these men.

Stan was also not a toucher, but loved sex in bed at night. Kissing for him meant sex is coming.  Linda could tell that his bad 30 year marriage was this way— disconnected, sex at night, no intimacy, nothing during the day, no romanticism. Linda wondered why men were so stuck in doing things “the old way” when they knew that their marriages, relationships, had been bad, unfulfilling. Why were they not hungry for intimacy and all those things they had not had?  These men were not in touch with themselves, with their partners, with life and with normalcy. These are the same men who would say that their ex-wives became cold and did not want sex anymore. Linda understood why. Stan even put in his profile, “great kisser; loves kissing”. The only kissing that took place with him was in bed at night. Kissing and hugging, sitting close touching involves being able to “feel”— to connect with the other person—to allow vulnerability and feel closeness. Some men just cannot do this: intimacy, closeness, feeling feelings: just feels foreign, scary to them. But unattached , raw sex is not scary to them. But these people are emotionally empty.

Controllers often end up cheating on their partners. There was Peter.  He cheated on women because he could. It showed skill. It showed that he was “charming”. When he was having sex with women he felt things; he felt somewhat of a connection, although it was just a physical connection. He could dream that they had sex with him because they liked him. It boosted his ego. BUT because Peter was raised by a controlling father who used only punishment with him, he was totally unable to see consequences to his actions. Punishment teaches a person to just be skilled at hiding their actions; making sure they don’t get caught; it does not teach conscience and learning to anticipate consequences. Peter was good at lying and hiding his actions. He was proud of those skills.

Peter saw hitting on secretaries, and other women, and having sex with them as “winning women”. He was not skilled in life skills and life period so he became skilled in “getting women”. He was tall, handsome, had a commanding voice and knew how to con and charm women, and others. Having sex with women was just about the only way he felt connected to human beings and life. He actually felt “sensations” when having sex. The rest of his life he was unable to feel things— he was disconnected from himself and life. He said women told him he was a sexual addict—over sexed. He also used sex for power and control. Sex with him was mechanical. He was trying to yield power, control and to show his “skills”. At age 60 Peter was being affected by the aging process. He was not always able to perform as he had when he was young. This made him furious—irritable. His sexual prowess was fading. He bought more and more “toys” to fill in the gaps. The things that he was skilled at were fading—sex with women, attracting whoever he wanted, having affairs while he was married.  At the end of sex he would say things like, “ Ah, I needed that.” Controllers do things for themselves, not for others. They are ego oriented. They do not compliment you with words like, “You were great”.

… Controlling people, if they don’t get help, become crotchety old people. When we lose our beauty(outward), our sexual prowess, some of our skills, we must have other things to value when we grow older: strong relationships, good communication, attitudes, improvement, encouragement, trying hard, goodness, kindness, contribution, joy, having fun, peace, sharing, caring, learning a lot, learning a new skill, creativity, patience, finding good in others. We supposedly are supposed to grow wiser as we grow older. Controlling people do not. As they have tried to control life and people, using negativity, lying, manipulating they have run into life’s roadblocks.  They have not found satisfying relationships. They do not have the tools or the attitudes to face stress and things not going their way.

Controllers attempt to find some way to connect to life, to have their breath taken away. For many sex is the only way they feel connected, and many become sex addicts. But “moments that take our breath away” is referring to not only physical sex, but the wondrous connection via the heart and soul and being; the emotional connection. Controllers usually do not experience the “oneness” of melding souls; the full range of emotions.  They are not “making love”, they are “having sex”.

Controllers have not learned to be affectionate, not as a reward, not to get sex, but just because it’s a great thing to do to get close and communicate love; if you need help with this, practice just sitting and touching: touch your partner’s whole body, piece by piece, slowly…. Soooo nice.  Adults from controlling, spanking, hitting, negative parents, (men especially are taught that touching is not masculine), do not experience positive, good touch much, if at all. They only experience “bad” touch. These men have to learn about good touch, and how wonderful it is.