What Women Want: Men who are not empty inside: are not “other directed”

15 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: ,

We have to redefine ourselves and grow and learn about ourselves as we get older; get in touch with ourselves; love ourselves; We can’t define ourselves by our “roles”, because those roles change. We can’t base our self esteem on our roles, “jobs”, on our egos.  When we get older and “retire” our roles change again. If we have lived our lives only defining ourselves as our job roles, we then are lost when we no longer have those roles.  We have to know ourselves internally; our hearts, souls, minds, thoughts, values, beliefs, emotions (get rid of negative thoughts and emotions); those are the only things we have control over. We control our internal things; have no control over the external.

We can’t define ourselves by what others think of us. This is called being “other-directed”. Some of us define our success and happiness, how “good” we are, by external sources, rather than internal feelings, thoughts, attitudes. Men especially are taught to define success/how good they are, by competitiveness, comparing themselves to others; praise from others; doing things better than others; looking and being better than others; thinking you have to be “like” others; These men are ego-directed. They learn to only feel good about themselves when they get praise; feel they are better than others; look better than others; have a bigger house; perform better than others; perform as they think others expect them to perform; fear being judged “negatively” by others: being called a “sissy”, etc.  They are not happy unless they think others are happy with the way they behave.

We have to learn to not be ego driven, and be inner-directed. Especially when we get older and are no longer: the best, the best looking, etc. We must be able to do self-talk; praise/encourage ourselves; know what our values, beliefs, attitudes, needs are, and let go of “bad”, ineffective values: “I value being the best, being better than you, getting praise from you”. Your value is then based on other people’s views of you and your opinion of yourself based on comparing yourself to others. You are YOU, not someone else.

Being inner-directed means we compare ourselves with ourselves; we praise and encourage ourselves; feel good about ourselves because of “who we are”. We value: improving, working hard, learning new skills/new things; PMA, enthusiasm, being loving, kind, committed, persistent, compassionate, loyal, responsible, caring, sharing, friendly, wise, intelligent, knowledgeable, thoughtful…   We have to know who we are internally, based on our values, beliefs, attitudes, words, actions.

If you have grown up being ego directed and other-directed, and wanting to control others, it is necessary to shift to knowing yourself, internally, and being in control of yourself: your thoughts, attitudes, beliefs, words, self-talk, etc.

Men who are ego-oriented talk about how others praise them, how they do things quicker, better than others, etc. This has to shift to them internally praising/encouraging themselves -good self-talk; “I am a good person…” ,not, “I am a good person because others tell me so”;  example: when you go to yoga, the goals should be to improve YOUR abilities to internally control/develop your: mind, soul, heart, thoughts, negative emotions and improve your yoga physical skills compared with yourself; how you did last time; how u have progressed.  Ego driven people while at yoga are watching others; comparing themselves with others; “I am better than him”; hoping to get praise from the instructor; while doing yoga are not working on erasing negative thoughts, ego thoughts, controlling what thoughts enter their mind, how they are feeling: happy, content, peaceful, mindful, ability to go to a “peaceful place” and focus on breathing, positives-positive self-talk; ” I am loving, kind, friendly, giving, caring, sharing, open and vulnerable, creative…”

We have to learn how to define ourselves and our happiness by focusing on this day, this moment; enjoying and appreciating little things; learning… Not looking for problems and problems to solve(using our “skills”); volunteering, focusing on our strengths apart from our “jobs”; developing a long list of things we “will do”, want to do, rather than hanging onto our long list of things we “won’t do”. Let go of old ineffective ways of doing things; attitudes, beliefs- let go of negative thoughts/emotions; guilt, anger, resentment, blaming, fear, bitterness, regret, revenge; let go of the past; love yourself-then you will attract people who are lovers. Focus on where you are now and how to move forward; being grateful for each day and what you “have” and are.

Middle age men often start feeling empty inside. They are aging, losing some of their attributes regarding how they used to define their success and happiness; things that others used to praise them for. They are dependent upon praise from others in order to feel good about themselves. They fish for praise: ask others: “How did I do?” “How do I look?”… We have to feel good about ourselves inside, for WHO we are; encourage ourselves.

When dating middle age men, notice if men seem ego-oriented, fish for praise, tell you that others think they are great, are often unable to give you compliments, unless they want to get one back from you; want to only do things they have been doing all their lives, that they are good at; seem to be unhappy people unless they are working, competing, doing tried and true activities, controlling others, solving problems, fixing things; These men will NOT retire well… all things to consider when dating middle age men. Controllers are other-directed men; outer directed. They expect praise and are manipulators: use praise to manipulate, and tell you that others think they are great in order to get you; get you to think they are great. They are not able to encourage themselves internally, nor to encourage you. They are empty inside. Look out when they are no longer able to get praise or don’t see themselves as great/great looking in other people’s eyes.

What Women Want: Men who know what it means to be a quality partner/parent

15 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , ,

Again, how well we fare in relationships is caused mostly by how we were parented and how we saw our parents faring in relationships. Were our parents quality parents? Did they show us what great relationships look like by modeling them? Did they have great relationships with each other and with us? If your parents divorced while you were young you will have to find other adults in quality relationships to study, or read about quality relationships.

When I was at The Parenting Center, one of the groups of parents that I worked with were abusive parents referred by the courts. I did groups with them and taught them parenting classes. When teaching parenting to people that don’t want to be there and think their parenting is just fine, you have to help them understand what quality parenting looks like, and help them to see that their parents were not quality parents. Most abusive parents were abused as children. Most of us parent as our parents parented if we don’t learn how to parent differently and better: effectively, positively. In order to want to learn better ways we have to be motivated to learn to be better. Many abusive people have not seen other people parenting positively and effectively. They may think that the way they are parenting their children is “normal” or OK, (because they don’t know better). I would ask parents if they thought they were parenting well: good parents. They almost always said yes.

Then I would ask them if they thought their parents were good parents. They almost always said yes. Sometimes we put up defense mechanisms so that we can pretend we are “normal” (good people), and that our parents were normal. Maybe if we say we are good parents and that our parents were good parents it will be so. You wonder why people who were abused find it so difficult to voice that their parents were abusive. Some just block it out and never think of it again – until they have children. Then the abuse rears its ugly head. MANY dysfunctional people have a hard time admitting they are not high quality adults, not in high quality relationships. Their egos will not let them admit it, see it, and will not let them admit that they want their children to be and do better than them. So, the cycle of abuse and dysfunction repeats itself again and again. So then I would ask the parents if their parents produced happy, successful people: were they happy and successful (in relationships), and “good people”? They had to sit and think. Sometimes they would hesitate and say, “I think so”. Then I would give them a list of “qualities/skills” that experts list as qualities that happy, successful, emotionally healthy people have, and ask them to read them: honesty, integrity, hard worker, positive mental attitude, enthusiastic, loving, dependable, sense of humor, persistent, compassionate, responsible, caring, good-finder, friendly, goal-directed, wise, intelligent, good listener, organized, knowledgeable, energetic, thoughtful, able to regulate their moods…

Then I would ask them how many of those qualities/skills/attitudes they had. There would be silence. They had NEVER thought about what happy, successful looks like. They never thought about what qualities/skills they should teach/instill in their children for them to be happy/successful. Too many people just go into automatic when they become parents and just parent like their parents parented. They never stop and think, “I was abused and parented terribly. I want to learn to do it differently for the sake of my wonderful child.” Too many people also just go through life in automatic, doing relationships and everything else as their parents modeled them. We must, as adults, become self-aware and realize what it is we want to be like; what qualities we want to possess, what we want to get rid of that our parents passed along; what can help to make us happier people, and be in good relationships. So, these abusive parents had never thought about it. When we were abused we don’t have: good coping skills, good stress management skills, certainly good parenting skills. So when parenting challenges come up, or when the normal stress of parenting comes up, we not only don’t have skills, we don’t have ways to manage stress. We learned only to yell, hit and do drastic things. When yelling, hitting don’t work, behavior gets worse, and abuse occurs. After reading the list, we would sit in silence and think for a while. Soon some parents would get teary eyed. I would ask them if they thought their parents had built those qualities in them. Did they have those qualities? Did their parents’ methods of parenting build those things in them? Most people said “no”; the beginning of awareness. Even fathers in the classes would admit finally that they did not have these qualities; realized that their parents were not good parents, realized what they would like to become, and opened up to learning. Most importantly, they realized they were doing the same things to their kids as their parents had done to them.

As the classes went on, parents would continually get teary eyed as they learned positive, loving, effective parenting, and realized what they did not know. Going through life in automatic and being blind to bad parenting is not the way to go. We perpetuate the cycle, damage our children, but also continue to be damaged people going through life unhappy. Abusive/neglectful parents are often also terrible role models for what adult relationships, romantic relationships look like. So people from abusive/neglectful parents also have to learn just general relationship/people skills.

When dating, we want to find men who are good in relationships, and know what that means. The same qualities/skills we list for happy and successful people, make for people good in relationships. We need to get to know our partners very well before we marry them, or stay with them, or begin parenting with them, and look for those qualities. We need to find men who are self-aware, know what that means, and want to become more and more self aware and grow and improve. Dating in your 50’s, if you meet a man who has been a constant failure at relationships, who has never been married, or never with a woman for very long, you may want to think twice. If he thinks he is just fine and doesn’t need or want to grow and learn; run. It’s true what they say, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” (usually). Beware of men who say they are, “laid back and easy-going” (lots in their 50’s). They just want to be left alone to continue living their same old unhappy life, with no idea what real happiness looks like. They want you to hang around and do what they enjoy doing, and take care of them, and be quiet.

What Women Want: Men who give

15 Jan 2014 1 Comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: ,

Myth: Women are supposed to be the nurturers. Men are supposed to be nurtured by women, and not be nurturers.

Truth: We BOTH need nurturing; lots of it. Those old roles from the agricultural days no longer apply. We separated roles for survival, according to the need for muscle strength, and need; back when living and surviving were not mechanized, and bought in stores. In good relationships both partners fully participate in all tasks. If both people work, what happens after work is even- Steven. In the modern age, girls and boys are both nurtured by their mother and father. Then when we “go away” from our parents, we both continue to have an equal need to be nurtured, cared for.  Men whose attitudes live in the Stone Age, think they are to be nurtured, with no need to nurture their partner. In counseling, you see a lot of young women, newly married, or new mothers, who suffer from depression.  One of the things that causes this is that all of a sudden they are not being nurtured, but are expected to nurture their husbands, kids, and everyone else, at the expense of their own emotional and mental health. This is not OK. Couples should discuss, while dating, expectations of roles, beliefs, values, wants, needs. Maybe you don’t yet realize what is important to you in couple life. It helps to go to classes such as Marriage Enrichment, or read and discuss books. If you realize after marriage, that you are unhappy, depressed, then it is good to discuss the issues or go to counseling. Never shove them under the rug and hope they will go away. They won’t. Of course anything you can do BEFORE MARRIAGE is best because divorce is very painful.

For those of us dating in middle age, if we meet a man who expects to be nurtured, and is not a nurturer, we need to give it up early. It is not likely a man in his 50’s is going to change. If he is also a controller, not only will he expect you to do everything that he wants you to do, he will criticize/judge you while you do it. We need to find these things out before we marry a person.

For young women who are dating, be very careful about the messages you give to your male companion while dating. Many of us want to impress our dates and so we set the stage for lots of fancy cooking, preparing wonderful meals, parties, etc. We do this to try and get a man to want to marry us, many times. And we may truly enjoy doing this, for a while. If we live together before marriage, we may, in the beginning do all the cooking, cleaning, planning, shopping, etc. But it is very important, before marrying, that you make it clear that once married you want the relationship to be one of sharing all responsibilities, as equally as possible. You do not want your role to be that of cook, planner, cleaner, bottle washer, household manager, etc. If both of you work, the rest of the responsibilities and planning needs to be shared, so that it is fair, and so that both of you nurture each other. These things may be fun when dating, but when in a married relationship, and especially when children come along, making a house, home and love work requires both partners giving equally. Parenting also should be equally shared. This needs to be made clear before marriage. So, what happens in the evening and on weekends is even-Steven. Also, parenting equally, sharing the chores, fun stuff, and experiences makes parenting more fulfilling. Parenting is a wonderful thing when it is shared with a full partner. Chores, etc. also are easier to stomach, and can be fun, if done with a partner.

You’ve heard, “walk a mile in my shoes”. Every partner, parent needs to experience the full experience of parenting, managing a relationship and a family, and running a household, so that they know what it entails fully. We also learn from each other when doing it this way.

“Working” includes a stay-at-home mom, who works out of the home raising children. Equal “duty” should happen after 5:00 and on weekends. No matter where or how you work, you need a break in the evening and on weekends. So everyone should share responsibilities in the evening and on weekends, including children; and everyone should play and have time alone, and time together, on weekends.

Again, do not go into automatic in relationships. The way that your parents did it, is not the way it is done today. Family dynamics have totally changed. AND we now know what made wives/mothers unhappy and unfulfilled, and what made husbands/fathers sink into expecting to be waited on and into letting the wife do most everything that needed to be done alone and without “help”. We now know what makes relationships fulfilling, loving and fun. We have to be very careful re attitudes from the past.  ANYONE will let people wait on them, and take care of them, and all responsibilities outside of the workplace. If you give, give, give, without expecting anything in return, then your expectations are poor, and you need to start communicating your needs and expectations for quality relationships, sharing, fairness, and giving. If your partner does not initiate mindfulness, giving, planning and sharing, just as you do, then you need to make clear that that is what you need.  Romantic relationships will only be high quality when partners share, care, take responsibility, talk, hug, and kiss while sharing, respect each other’s rights and needs, share the fun and the not fun, the ups and downs, and play together.

 

What women want: figuring out online dating

14 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , ,

What women want: figuring out online dating

Linda learned to decipher profiles that men wrote on MeetYourMate, and learned to spot certain titles and profiles that would uncover men she did not want to be with. Many men love their dogs of course. They talk about their dogs in their profiles. They would say things like, “I wish you would understand me as well as my dog does.” “My dog understands me.” They wish women were like dogs. When some men envision the woman they want to be with, they envision the way that their dog is with them:  runs to meet them at the door, jumps on them, licks them(remember the dog has just been laying around all day), is extremely happy to see them; then follows them around, looking at them with those begging, cute puppy dog eyes, sits next to them, patiently waiting, or goes back to sleep, with their warm head in their lap; begs for dinner: the man gets up and feeds the dog and himself;  takes the dog for a walk: doesn’t have to talk, be romantic, notice the moon, or any of those things; back home, the dog is always there, loyal, undemanding except for food and a walk, uncomplicated, low maintenance. The dog knows the man is the master of the house; takes commands, listens, and is content to watch the man no matter what he does in the house. The dog will even go hunting, fishing, and go for rides in the truck…

So, what does it mean for a woman to “understand him like his dog does”, or “be like his dog”??? One thing Linda found interesting is that these men like to be waited on by women; the women should do the cooking and cleaning, take care of their man. Why is it that a dog gets “waited on” by a man: fed, grocery shopped for, walked, cleaned up after, with no complaints? But this same man will not do those things for a woman partner. Linda found that many single men in their 50’s-60’s just want a companion in a woman; someone to hang around with, go to dinner, when they want to. They want a woman to greet them at the door, kiss them, beg for them( in bed), cook their meals, clean their house, seduce them with those eyes and body; just be there, with no demands, just listen, talk when talked to, do what they want to do….low-maintenance. These men are not going to change their ways, don’t like having demands made of them, and are controlling. Beware if a man’s idea of “visioning” the woman he wants to be with is, “like my dog”.

Linda met a man who had a small, grown dog. On the first date he informed Linda that the dog gets him up at 5:00 every morning for a walk, and that he has to go home for lunch every day to take him out, and has to be home by 6:00. Linda was not wanting to have a dog control her schedule, and could not imagine never getting to sleep in, or go out to dinner or for drinks after work.  She had gone through the baby years with little sleep and lots of responsibility. But that was for babies (humans) and was temporary. Babies grow up and are taught to not pee on things, tear things up; they become disciplined and have rules. It seems that some people let dogs run their lives, including not disciplining their dogs.

Linda learned to use visioning, to envision the man she would “bring into her life”. She wanted a man whose gaze into her eyes was strong and long; while he was talking to her and listening to her his eye contact was strong and seductive. He would sit close when they were talking, lean in, touching her hand, or arm, or shoulder, or touching her face at times; if he saw something he liked while they were talking he would touch it, or tell her he “loved her….eyes”…, his face, gaze, eyes, lips were strong and expressive. He loved to talk and listen, have long conversations with her, his voice masculine, peaceful, not loud, intelligent;  a man who read books and newspapers and loved to talk about life, the world, meaningful things; yet was open, wanted to hear her words, thoughts as well; not judgmental, assuming; loved to listen to ideas, recommendations; When watching TV, or whatever, he wanted to sit close, cuddle, touch; he had wonderful ideas for fun or togetherness, being outside, experiencing nature and beauty(that did not involve hunting and fishing and sports all the time); he wanted to try new things and experience new places and people;  he wanted to grocery shop, cook with her, learning together, enjoying together, holding hands, constantly learning about each other; he told her what he liked about her often, was encouraging, loving, kind to others(including waitresses, etc),  a peaceful, happy, and exciting soul, respectful of her feelings, who wanted an equal partner to share life with. He loved music, art, architecture, plays, beaches, and was creative.

Linda wanted to find a man who, in his 50’s-60’s, was happy with the paths that he had taken in his long life, happy with his life; did not dwell on regrets, mistakes, wrong paths, fears, anger at others; a man who had a long and full life and had not used lies, manipulation, control, and ego to get what he wanted.

A dynamic of dating middle age men is that some are retired, nearing retirement, or angry because they can’t retire, or other such issues. Linda met men who had retired and this was an issue. Some men had planned for “their” retirement, for one person and of course hadn’t planned for two. They couldn’t afford for their female partner to retire also. They expected the female to keep working. This caused “problems” in the relationships. In this day and age, women often don’t have retirement savings, because they were married, stayed home to raise children, didn’t work for long, didn’t make the salaries and have the job stability, upward mobility that men had. Especially if the man has never been married, didn’t have children, or had not been married for decades: they had great retirements. They did not plan for what to do with a future partner.  There were about 10 wonderful men that Linda could not be with because the men were retired, but she could not retire. They lived very different lives, and had very different needs and expectations for their lives and partners.

Linda dated a man who was retired, had enough retirement for himself, and played golf almost every day. She worked all day and went to his house after work, ready to go out, have fun, etc. He had bad knees but would not get them worked on because “surgery might mess up his golf game.” So, at the end of the day he was home, tired from golf all day, his knees swollen, and did not want to go out. He wanted her to cook, clean for him, and put ice on his knees, and just “be with him”. She had to get up early the next morning and go to work. He did not.

Linda also learned to steer away from MeetYourMate titles such as: YourKnight, AlphaDaug, Sometimes Bad, EasyGoing, JustBrowsing, SouthernGentleman, NoBaggage, GoinFishin, HaveKids:  YourKnight was the type looking to save you; thinks you need to be saved; will control you; take care of you, but take care of you his way; AlphaDaug is the alpha male type; wants a sexy, hot woman to meet his manly needs and doesn’t mind him “straying”; lets him hunt, fish, hang with the guys; would rather be with the guys; just needs you to meet his manly needs and take care of him; is a “guys” guy; does not know how to be with a woman;  SometimesBad is the bad guy with very few scruples, values, morals; likes to be bad; no one can tell him what to do; wants a “bad” woman; a hot woman; is sometimes a sex addict, addicted to porn, and a substance abuser -and woman abuser(emotional, verbal or physical).  EasyGoing (laid-back) is a very popular description that men use of themselves. These are boring, laid-back guys who don’t want any stress, demands, demanding women; like to come home, watch the tube, drink a few beers….with no demands, expectations. JustBrowsing guys are those that have huge egos, are ashamed that they are online looking for women, and don’t want you telling anyone that you met online. They think they are wonderful and can’t understand why they can’t meet anyone, or that when they do meet someone, it does not last long.  They go through women online like they go through the TV channels. “I met you, but I am going to keep looking because I can do better; there is someone better for me out there; I deserve the best”.  The SouthernGentleman  thinks the only way to be with a woman is to open doors, pull out chairs, save her from bears and rude men, show her his road rage and toughness, control others. When she opens her own door he gets mad and insulted. You have insulted his manhood. She must act like a southern belle at all times. NoBaggage is looking for a woman with no children around, no mental illness, no elderly parents around…nothing to interfere with his life of no baggage. This is usually the man who has never been married, or hasn’t been married in a long time. The woman must be able to travel when he wants to, and move when and where he wants to.

GoinFishin is trying to attract a woman by telling her he loves to fish. His profile picture is of him holding a big fish, with fishing clothes and cap on. You can’t see what he looks like, but you certainly can see what the fish looks like! His woman must love to fish, clean fish, and eat fish. Linda learned to put in her profile: “Please, no caps & sunglasses; I want to see you!” Men MUST see a picture of the woman, but often does not have a picture, or has a picture with caps and sunglasses, or bad pictures, or dark, far away pictures, or pictures 20 years old. Men say they are “visual” and must see pics. They seem to believe that women are not visual!  A picture of a fish will suffice: or a car, motorcycle, or big house, or big something else.

HaveKids: A man in his 50’s-60’s having kids at home or on weekends is absolutely no problem, in fact it can be a positive thing. It might show that he is grounded, balanced by the demands of kids. But beware of a man who uses that as his profile title. The first sentence in his profile then looks something like this: “Yes I have kids at home (or every weekend) and I will not sacrifice that role and my time with them for a woman.” A “balanced” profile would say later, maybe at the end, that he has young children and that being a father is important, and he loves doing things with his kids, just so we will know. BUT the purpose of this profile and finding the love of your life is to attract a great woman, not to tell us how angry you are that some women just don’t understand, and that that is your first priority in writing this profile. The same goes for GoinFishin. If the first thing you want me know about you is that you love fishing, and that is your strong point, and your “woman” must know that up front, you are not going to attract me.

Another frequent dynamic in dating 50-60ish men is that many have done the 2nd, 3rd, 4th marriage thing with a young woman and now have young children. This is fine as long as they are good with this and are not angry or resentful because of this. This is fine also as long as they have learned how to be single dads. It is a juggling act, a balancing act. When married with children, the mother often handles all the logistics, phone calls, appointment setting of babysitters, figuring out how to go out on dates, setting everything up. The wife is often the man’s personal assistant. Linda dated a few guys who had kids on weekends. Obviously, this is when most of us date. The men had no idea how to date and have kids also. They had not learned how to get babysitters, or did not want to. Some had not developed the attitude that it is OK for adults with kids to go out at night; that occasionally you can and should go on adult weekends and hire a sitter for the weekend. The men feel that since they only have the kids on weekends, that they should spend every minute with the kids. These beliefs are unrealistic, and not healthy, if you are a man who believes in balance and finding a healthy mate. The men wanted the woman to go on outings with them and their kids, which is fine, but the couple also has to have real dates; or the man cannot go on vacations without his kids… A couple of guys who had their kids every weekend actually wanted to try to date her only on week nights, or the guys who had kids every other weekend, would only go out every other weekend. Having kids is more difficult, but these men must be willing to work very hard at finding balance, being realistic, learning how to get sitters, plan ahead, do what is right for his kids, and also what is right for a new date or potential partner. Dating requires thinking, planning, spending lots of time together, wanting to “attract” a person to you, going out on dates. It is not the fact that men have kids that scares us away. We like kids. It is the fact that men are not willing to figure out how to make it work, put effort into it, and show us that we are important too.

So Linda was still looking for a man truly kind, loving, fun, joyful, successful in life, happy, in touch with nature and this world, balanced, in touch with his soul, not a “me” person, not focused on ego, able and eager to leave his comfort zone and try new things without judging, not mentally ill. She was looking for love, real love, Now she was getting concerned that the pool was full of controlling fish, that did not swim well with the rest of the school; that wanted to swim with the rest of the pool only if they swam where he wanted to swim, follow him, eat the type of minnows he ate, stay out of his way and not swim in front of him. These fish stay in one part of the pool where it is safe. These fish are biting fish, that snap when they get mad, which is often. Linda needed to find a new pool, with fresh fish. They could be old fish, but they must be wonderful, positive, loving, joyful old fish. She was hoping they were not extinct.

 

Online dating: over 45

13 Jan 2014 1 Comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , ,

DATING

Online dating in middle age is a great thing and a frustrating, bewildering thing. Middle age, newly single women strike out into the online dating world totally unprepared, with lots of new dynamics to discover about the pool of available, middle age men, some mind-blowing and dangerous. How does a middle age woman prepare herself, learn how to do this, and find a quality relationship with a man?; find the man who has improved with age?

 I recently read a book, written by a man, attempting to help people know if a person they are dating is the right one by the second date. The book is generic, not specifying whether it is referring to men or women’s issues, and it does not refer specifically to middle age dating, or any one stage of dating. As we have discussed in previous articles, dating in middle age is much different from dating in your 20’s, 30’s, and a dating, middle age woman faces issues dynamic to dating middle age men, and women’s issues. I believe that trying to make dating generic, or trying to generalize it, does not work for middle age people, or middle age women.

I do believe you can “spot” lots of positives and negatives in the first dates, if you know what to look for, and the questions to ask. But a word of caution: if the man is lying, hiding things, manipulating you, (or is mentally/emotionally ill), you will not have a clue in the first dates. Older men who are dating, and have dated for a long time, and have become desperate, (there are lots of them), have become very good at those things. An example is a man telling you he likes all the things you like, and then when you move in with him, you find out he was lying, just to please you, and “get” you. Then he becomes his true self. These are controlling men who value lying, cheating, winning (winning you over).

So to recap, it is just as important to spot the negatives in those first dates, as it is to feel and spot the positives. And you do need to know what you are looking for. We now know that just because you are attracted to someone, he makes you feel special, wines and dines you, impresses you with all his money(which may not be true), you feel butterflies, etc., there is much more to look for, and also negatives to look for.

To summarize from past articles: What women don’t want:
Negativity: Controllers:
1) Wants to control others; judge them, criticize them; give them advice, order them around; tell them what to do, when, where, how to do it; argues a lot; is often irritated, irritable(anger, anxiety)(anger: yelling, raging); has their own definitions of right and wrong ; “my way or the highway” attitude; there is only one way to do things: my way; perceives things and people negatively; looks for mistakes;
2) Doesn’t want to be controlled, told what to do; perceives ideas and recommendations as telling them what to do, or criticizing or challenging their ideas; when you have ideas they see you as thinking you are smarter, have better ideas than them; can’t apologize; can’t admit mistakes;
3) Is not in “control” of themselves: of their actions, attitudes, words, thoughts, perceptions; their lives are often out of control: jobs, relationships; can’t handle frustration; lack of patience; so they try to control their immediate environment: house, loved ones; value turmoil (so they can use their advice skills, obtain power, and get attention); are ego-oriented: have a need for approval; never feel they are good enough(due to how they were parented);
4) Has the need to stay in “their comfort zone”. This person was given messages as a child: it is not OK to make mistakes: they develop a fear of failure; so they do not usually try new things; They feel very “safe” in their home, sometimes at work, and doing things that they have always done and are good at; they are not terribly comfortable in social situations, unless it is a sporting event; they feel control when in their car;

What Women Want:
Positive: celebrates being positive, encouraging, kind and loving; a man who is thankful and grateful for all the good things
:To know what a man’s values and beliefs are; one would be to become self-aware and learn new and better skills, attitudes, perceptions, behaviors, so that we can be happy and contribute to happiness in our relationships. We need to know what our values are. Do we/our partners value power, control, being right, being the best at the expense of others, etc.? Or do we value kindness, peace, fun, happiness, enjoying the “now”, etc.? We, as adults, have to consciously decide to be positive, notice positives, and speak positives with those we care about: be respectful and encouraging, and not try to control others.
: Men who are good communicators. Controllers don’t communicate well. They argue, tell you what to do, criticize, order, command, yell, remind, nag, threaten etc
: Men who know what it means to be a quality partner and parent; Relationship skills versus control
: How to be with a woman: Eating together; a man who is touch with feelings, intimacy, romance: 1st date: eating together: ask him to close his eyes; what does he hear; then what does he feel.
: chores to be shared, learned,…
: men who are not empty inside: are …. are not “other directed”(directed by their ego);
: men who are mentally, emotionally healthy. No OCD, anxiety, depression, anger problems; has good stress management skills and problem-solving, decision making skills.
: an equal and nurturing partnership
: “Giving”
:Men who are not cheaters; don’t have addictions: sexual addiction; addiction to porn and masturbating
Men without tempers;

A man who:
Is fun; knows how to be joyful, peaceful; open minded; likes to leave his comfort zone and try new things; is able to plan and carry out special dates and plans all through the year;
Is able to leave his comfort zone and try new things, learn new things, relax and enjoy a vacation or outing with a woman;
Has a long list of things he does, wants to do, rather than a long list of things he doesn’t do, will not do;
Is able to be in the here and now; enjoy his time with you; rather than living in fear, regret, thinking about the past and worrying about the future. ( is caught up in past anger, sadness, guilt…);
Is affectionate, appreciative, encouraging and respectful; Is respectful of your feelings and needs
Is able to feel love; is sentimental, caring, sharing; is able to do this every week; not just on special occasions;
Celebrates options, ideas, choices rather than “do it my way; my way is the only way; don’t challenge me, disagree with me”; is able to compromise;
A man who is self-aware, has done self examination over the years, and has become wiser and better; is able to talk about how he was parented; where he learned about relationships and if he has learned how to be a better partner; knows where quality relationships come from;
Values sex and making love with a woman, and knows what that means; is affectionate at other times, other than when he wants sex: playful and sensual;

DATING: Things to notice on first dates: Are they good conversationalists? Have good eye contact? Do they wait for you to talk and then argue, disagree, one-up, criticize you, question you (why did you do that?), tell you what you should’ve done and how? Do they listen to you but not add to the conversation in a positive, fun way? Do they make fun of you (criticize you), even if in a sarcastic way (attempting to be funny)? Are they complementary, kind, encouraging, say funny things? Do they talk about the surroundings, what they see, hear, feel, smell (are they sensual)? What they like; positive things about the food, etc.? Are they pleasant to the wait staff? Do they complain? Do they complain about their job? Are they happy?, Or serious, reserved? Do they concentrate more on their food and eating than on you? Do they have good table manners?
Do they seem ego directed? Rather than inner directed. Do they “brag” about who they know, how they are better than others, what they do (rather than who they are, what kind of person they are), their fancy car…
Do they look healthy? (this is especially important for older men).

Examples of questions to ask on the first dates:
What is your fondest memory of childhood? What is your most negative memory during childhood? Do you think you were parented well? Do you think your parents had a good relationship? Find out how long they were together. What do you consider a good relationship? Tell the man what you look for in a relationship, and what are red flags for you.
What do you do for fun, relaxation?, Favorite foods, drinks?, Foods you won’t eat. What’s in your refrigerator? What is your favorite trip that you have been on? Where do you want to go if your wishes were granted? Do you go on vacations?
What comes to mind when I say, “sex”?
How many times have you been married? What ended your marriages? If they have never married, ask them why they think that is. (men over 45).
Do you like your job? If you had your dream job, what would it be?
I like men who are givers. I am a giver. What do you consider “giving”? (other than material things and paying for things). Do you enjoy planning, shopping, cooking together, or do you like to be cooked for and served? I would sometimes give by cooking and serving you. Would you sometimes also give by cooking and serving me?
If you could retire and go anywhere, where would you go? Or would you stay here, why? What do you see yourself doing during retirement?
If you had a million dollars right now, what would you do?

What you won’t necessarily discover in the first 2 dates:
-If the man has a temper; has anger issues; is easily angered; perceives things/happenings/words negatively; (picks fights); seems to thrive on turmoil, problems;
-What the man is like outside of his comfort zone: is like on “vacations”, in places other than in his home and his town;
-You will discover a true control freak when you move into his space. That is his space, his comfort zone. Older men have pronounced comfort zones and are often set in their ways, especially if they have never married.

What to do in the first months:
-go someplace big and open and look at the moon, stars, or full moon…or a sunset….is he able to see, feel, experience it with you, sit still? Is he happy here, peaceful, able to “drink it all in”?
-go on a “vacation” together; does he “do the beach” well? (or the mountains, etc.); Not a golf, tennis, or fishing vacation unless you do those things also. Does he snore every night? Is he a morning person? Does he seem lost on a vacation? Does he need you to plan everything and execute everything? Does he “initiate”? Does he know “what to do with a woman” on a vacation?
So, we really can learn a lot in the first few dates with a man if we date smart, and if the man is honest and acts himself. Asking intelligent, interesting, guided questions will at least reveal if a man is interesting, can think and speak on his feet, is fun, and is open to being questioned. If he answers your questions and has none of his own, be wary. You may be able to spot control and negativity, but maybe not, if the man works hard to hide all that for now. You can at least start to get a feel for if a man will be fun, interesting, encouraging, respectful, loving, and kind.

Also, remember that there is usually a lot to talk about on first dates. Controlling, negative, boring men have a lot of general, first date questions to ask. They also love to hear about your past “problems”, past bad relationships. They like to talk about their past, bad relationships, bad bosses, etc. Then they like to solve your problems for you and talk about how they dealt with their problems and bad people. Nothing is ever their fault of course. So, it is good to not talk about those things on first dates. Talk about positive things, the here and now, how you are feeling(your senses), the above questions and issues.

You will only find out when a man is “boring” when those first dates are past, the general, “tell me about yourself” questions are done, and a man has to actually communicate, be interesting, fun, affectionate, and positive.

Relationships: How to be with a woman: Eating together

12 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: ,

It is almost Valentine’s Day, and many couples will “go out to eat”.

They say giving a man great food is a way to his heart. Sharing a meal with a woman, fully, with social etiquette is a way to a woman’s heart. It is a social and/or romantic happening. Often it is a “date”, and should be a date even if you are married. You can (and should)  make sharing a meal at home a social and/or romantic happening also. Often, however, men don’t know how to be with women. They are not taught social graces, social skills by their parents, nor how to be with a woman in a pleasurable or romantic way.  (social graces, table manners, also apply when you are eating with others). In middle age dating, it seems many men have never learned how to be with a woman; eat with a woman, converse with a woman at a dinner table. Many middle age men are used to being with men, or by themselves, eating, and don’t see any need to use manners, and have no need to converse in an interesting, intelligent, romantic, positive way.

Many men go out on “first” dates, to dinner, and then say that the woman does not want to go out with them again. This can happen for many reasons, but table manners, conversation, social skills are just a few things that can give a bad impression. So here are a few pointers for men:  Sharing a meal can be a wonderful “thing” to do with women, for men who say they don’t know what to do with women; how to be with a woman in a quality way:

The goals when eating with a woman are sharing good company, focusing mostly on the woman, not the food,  having a pleasant social experience, good conversation, good sharing of food and wine experience, an opportunity to sit next to one another(not across from one another) without distractions and just share an hour of eye contact, hand contact, and charming a woman. It can be very intimate!  Let go of these goals:(you learned as a child or when eating with men): to see who can finish faster, to see how much food you can shovel into your mouth in 10 minutes, to lick up every last drop(not waste food).

Please use table manners: chew with your mouth closed; hold your fork like a fork, not like a shovel. Do not shovel food into your mouth, smacking as you go, getting your mouth as close as possible to the plate; do not push food onto your fork with your fingers; do not put elbows on the table as you shovel; do not sop up your food and clang your fork/spoon 20 times on the plate/bowl at the end to get every drop; do not clean your teeth with your tongue or pick your teeth with a toothpick or anything else; do not hang a toothpick out of your mouth.

Put your fork down periodically, chew, breathe, talk, touch; share the food experience…

For women, eating together can be quality time, foreplay, sensuous. Many men go into automatic when they see food, regressing back to the caveman days when food was scarce and something to fight over, and pig down; or back to childhood where food and meals have all sorts of dynamics and connotations attached.  Eating together is just one example of how to be with a woman consciously, and not go into automatic or your subconscious habits and ways. Men know how to be with a woman at night in bed but during the day, every activity can be a wonderful experience filled with touching, kissing, hugging, eye contact, sitting close, sharing conversation and experiences, focusing on the other person, GIVING as well as taking, playing, putting effort into being with the person fully. If you are not good at it, you must focus, try, learn new behaviors and attitudes.

Another skill to learn is to focus on beauty and romantic things around you: the atmosphere, surroundings, the moon, candles, the place, the woman’s beauty, and senses being stimulated, smells, tastes, touch, sights, sounds (music), the sound of her voice, how you feel… say positive things, of her, the food, the waiter, etc….”I love…”

In New Orleans, eating out is a way of life, associated with great food, wine, music, company, sharing, finding a new place every month; it is a total food/life experience usually enjoyed with much gusto, joy and pleasure. SO, eating out with a date (or partner) in New Orleans is an easy way to enjoy time with each other. Make a point to find a new place at least monthly, or go back and enjoy a favorite with your love interest. The Gambit regularly publishes a list of the best restaurants, and best new restaurants,  including the top 100!  www.bestofneworleans.com .

Most of us, as adults, want to learn how to be better in relationships with the opposite sex. It takes, many times, learning new skills, behaviors, attitudes and examining and letting go of childhood ways, or the ways of our parents if they were not good. It takes, learning, exploring, growing, listening, watching, reading… or we can continue to operate in automatic, oblivious to the world, especially the world of romance and wonderful new experiences. Going out to eat, going out on dates, can and should be a special time. In New Orleans, dining out is a total experience; the food, all the stages of the experience(courses), sharing meals,  treating the taste buds and the soul, the atmosphere, the cocktails and wine, the music, the conversation with our partner, the waiters, the chefs, etc., getting dressed up… respecting the experience, your date, the restaurant, by showing respect, appreciation, asking questions, enjoying learning. Or you can go, eat…eat quickly, silently, wolfing it down, instead of savoring it. Learning how to savor the experience, the person you are with, is a wonderful thing. Do you focus on filling your belly or the total experience, and  being a great date? Eating with your love, going to the beach with your love: these are all examples of learning how to be a great partner, lover.

 

 

 

 

 

A unique and loving Valentine’s Day

12 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: ,

We have talked about how to use special days, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New  Years  to examine the ways we relate to our loved ones and improve;  how to become focused on love, encouragement, being positive, talking about and showing what we really value and believe; improve our thoughts, attitudes, words, behaviors: how to “grow up”, grow, become wiser, and live our lives consciously, rather than unconsciously, in “automatic”.

The first step is to get out of “automatic”. We need to go through each day consciously aware of being loving, kind, positive, with positive attitudes. We should not do it “as our parents did it” (unless they had a long and very loving relationship and showed us love outwardly, unconditionally);  we must examine our past parenting, and how our parents showed love to one another(or didn’t show love to one another), know what was quality, what was not quality, and how it affected us and our words, behaviors, attitudes.  We have talked about “controlling” people and that they are that way because of their parenting.  We do not want to be with controlling people unless they have gotten counseling.  So, again those are the basics.

We have to “grow up” first in order to love and be loved, romantically. That is work we must do ourselves; then go into a relationship. We must take responsibility for our own thoughts, actions, words, feelings, and know them, and be able to feel deeply.  We cannot play the roles of “mother” or “father” in a loving relationship. It will not work. Each person has to be at a place where they take responsibility for their own mature behavior, and let the other person be themselves. Grownups make responsible choices for their behavior and words: to be loving and to receive love. Then we grow in relationships. It is everyday things that matter most in a loving relationship, not the big events.  Do you only show love, give cards, buy flowers on Valentine’s Day?  If so, your relationship is lacking. We need to daily show kindness, politeness, consideration, thoughtfulness, relate(communicate) daily, encouragement, joy, intellectual sharing, emotional sharing, doing things together, sharing activities, interests; and let go of negatives. If you are not loving, and receiving love daily, then those “symbols” like flowers, candy, cards, become meaningless, empty; because they are “symbols” of your ongoing, everyday, love and actions towards one another.

This Valentine’s Day can look like this:    The day or week before:  sit down with your partner, “I love you very much. I want to discuss this Valentine’s Day. I want it to be different and better; the beginning for our daily expression of love. I think I have been in “automatic” in our relationship; not conscious daily of what goes into a loving relationship, and putting forth effort to show you how much I love you.  I would like for both of us to get off early  and spend the evening together, at home. (if there are children, get a babysitter).  What do you think? Do you have any ideas?”    Always pause after major thoughts and give time for your partner to respond.  “Let’s sit here and do some visioning, wishing, imaging, dreaming, of what we would like to do that night”. Sit in silence, and then share what your thoughts are/were.  “These are my thoughts. I would like to prepare a few surprises for you for when you come home. I would like for us to go grocery shopping together the day before and buy food for the Day. We must buy a decadent dessert; discuss recipes and how we will prepare the food; On Valentine’s I would like for us to cook together, eat together, with wine, candle light. I want us to sit together , with soft music, candlelight, facing one another and just look into each other’s eyes, touch all parts of our body(leaving out sex parts for now), and just “be”; no need to talk unless you want to.  Then talk about our past, our future, the now; what we are feeling, what I love about you, give compliments; be able to feel the compliment , receive it with love and say thank you;  review us, if we want to; share hopes, dreams, values; share what you want your daily lives to look like in love; talk about activities you can start doing together;(for instance, working out together at a gym or at home, or outside, can be very sexy: watching that guy/gal huffing and puffing, flexing muscles: great!)  what brings you joy;  touch while talking; kiss and hug when you feel like it; then when you are through talking, listening, touching, give each other a massage, with soft music, massage oil that smells wonderful…  ask what they like while massaging.  Make a vow to touch every day, and to kiss(really long kisses) and hug each day. Smile, laugh. Your gifts to your partner are smiles, thoughts, compliments, listening, touch, a massage. Try to recite your own “card”, and/or draw/write a card. Saying “I love you” is a gift. Allow yourselves to sit in stillness and reflect; talk if you want to. Learn to be in stillness with one another and think; look at one another.   “I want to let go of negativity, negative attitude, words, thoughts and express positives to you each day.”  “I will not try to control you, dominate you, judge you.”  “If I find I need to get help, I will.”  “I will love you every day; think of you and our love every day; put effort into it every day.”  “When we have problems we will talk about them lovingly; do problem-solving if necessary.”

YOU are the gift, the present to your partner! Every day! You don’t have to wrap yourself up in red wrappings(unless you want to!) but you do have to put in love, make yourself attractive to him/her, be “giving” each day. Material things are nice but not what truly will make you loving, or make you feel loved.

Make love at the end of the night if you want to. (you will want to)

The next day, reflect about your Valentine’s Day! ; what you loved about it! Say “thank you”.

 

 

Valentine’s Day- A day of Love

12 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: ,

We have another special day to celebrate love, relationships; to show the specialness of rituals and traditions.  Human beings want to love and be loved.  Some of us are equipped to love and be loved; some of us are not.  We have been talking about characteristics of people who do well in relationships, and of those who do not. Those who do not do well are raised by negative, unloving parent(s). They are often controllers in relationships.  We must know if our parents were unloving, unaffectionate, unaccepting, unappreciative; if they were negative, dominating, poor communicators, controllers, poor problem-solvers.  We have talked about loving yourself(but letting go of ego).  We cannot give love fully, or receive love fully if we do not love ourselves.  So this is always the first step: self awareness;  To know where we came from, examine it, then let it go and forgive; then learn new skills, attitudes and become a loved and loving person.  In order to love and be loved we must be willing to be vulnerable, to feel feelings, emotions deeply, and express them deeply. 

Following are the skills, attitudes, behaviors we must learn and use in order to be loving and loved:

These are the basics that we have talked about over and over. That is what we have to do as imperfect humans: think about positives every day; how to love and be loved daily:

Be open and vulnerable, able to feel all feelings deeply: joy, love, fear, grief, frustration; to be able to laugh and cry with a special person; to risk; to put your heart and soul “out there”.

Use unconditional Love:  I love you all the time; not just when you are “good”; unconditional love includes communicating when there are disagreements using respect, courtesy, good stress management, good communication, touching, reflecting feelings, good problem solving skills.  Let go of “I am right”:  

  • acceptance, “I accept you as you are”;
  • allowing people to just be: allowed to make mistakes;
  • show appreciation to people and to yourself: for who you are; for what you do to help: “I appreciate you”;  “thank you”; show gratitude each day;
  • give attention (positive): spend time together, have fun together;  if you are parents, go out on a date at least every other weekend; take care of your relationship: “the couple that plays together stays together”;
  • love (show love; say “I love you”); I love you regardless of how many mistakes you make, etc; (but I do not tolerate abuse);
  • kindness; encouragement;  patience. Let go of control. Forgive yourself and forgive others. Let go of irritability, anger, fear, ego. Say, “I’m sorry”. These are powerful words; very courageous. Controllers think these words show weakness;
  • respect: “I respect you; I will respect your thoughts, feelings, words, ideas, right to not be yelled at…”;”I respect YOU; I like you”;  “I respect your rights and your needs”. Peter’s definition of respect was opening doors for Linda. He had been told by his father to respect women. But he didn’t know what that meant. So he saw his father opening doors for his mother and thought that was it. He also saw his father belittling his mother, ordering her around, criticizing, arguing with her… When you constantly belittle or argue with a partner/child, you are not showing respect;
  • celebrate the wonders of this world with your partner (child); connect with nature and learn to enjoy simple things, simple wonders; experience joy;
  • ­­­­­affection:  give affection each day; not just affection aimed at “getting sex” ; intimacy on a regular basis; not just seductive affection; affection for good times and in bad times;

 Valentine’s Day, as with all “special days”, can also be a time for examination and reflection for setting new goals for love.  Set goals for improvement.   Special days with emphasis can be days that jump up and hit us in the face; wake us up to life and how we are doing.  Linda went shopping for Valentine’s cards for her husband of many years.  She was reading hundreds of cards looking for “just the right one”.  She started crying. She could not find one to express what her relationship looked like; what love looked like in her relationship; how she “felt”. There was no love left in the relationship. For years she and her husband “settled on” funny cards. They could not give a card saying, “I love you with all my heart and soul”, “you are my best friend and lover”, and all the other “mushy” things that cards say. Reading the cards made them realize that their love was dying on the vine.  They did not say it to one another anymore. There was no love expressed in their marriage.  It was time to get help or get out. There was no love, joy, affection, kindness, appreciation, intimacy expressed or felt.

Loving involves putting forth effort every day to love and be loved, to be positive and let go of negatives. Loving people has the effect of helping them to improve, to be better people. Being negative, critical, neutral, unloving, judgmental and dominating causes a person to withdraw, feel shame, fear and feel bad. It is not enough to “fall in love”.  We want to continue the feeling of loving and being loved each day, even in this imperfect world with our imperfect lives.  Love can be our haven from stress and strain, love can be wondrous. It should be a place to grow and learn, not to feel bad.

 

What you can control: for quality relationships

09 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: ,

 

In this new year, we look for things we can change or do better. We’ve learned there are things we cannot change, like the past, other people, and that it’s best to focus on now. Now is really the only thing we can change. It’s really important to know what you can and cannot change, and focus on what you can change, if it needs changing: and to focus on YOU. The easiest and best things to be in control of are: your thoughts, beliefs, your truths and trying to understand other’s truths, attitudes, words that come out of your mouth, actions.

Even in relationships, if we focus on us, the relationships will be better. In parenting, if we focus on our parenting style: positive, encouraging, fun, communicative, planful, disciplined, active, responsible, guiding, teaching, being good managers, being preventive, being balanced(not hovering and not being distant), using good stress management, learning how to do it well; we will automatically produce “better” children. Instead of doing it badly, waiting until our children misbehave, or are irresponsible, and then reacting, punishing, and yelling, we focus on our role as a quality parent. It makes parenting much more effective, easier, and less stressful. We must let go of old, ineffective, negative attitudes, and must learn how to do it: “that child will obey me”, “I will not let that child inconvenience me”, “I will do what I want and how I want it, and the child will do what I want, and do it how I want it” (even though I don’t teach, train, encourage, tell them the rules and consequences), “I will show power and wisdom, and teach, by telling them when they do something wrong, how to do it better. I don’t allow mistakes”.

The same is true in romantic relationships. If we focus on ourselves, and learning how to do it better, and talk about it with our partner, we will hopefully produce a better relationship. But do remember that if you try and try, and do mostly the right things, and your relationship does not improve, the other person does not do their part, it is time to get help. Do not shove feelings and problems under the rug. Remember you cannot change the other person. If the other person will not get help, it is time to leave the relationship. If you find that you are giving and giving, and not getting in return, it is time to get help. We are not talking about giving money, flowers, things, having a job, as giving. We are talking about giving, without the other person asking, of yourself, your time, affection, time spent planning and scheduling, time spent scheduling dates, weekends(equal time for recreation for each partner: alone, with your partner, with the children), equal time spent managing the house, meals, and children, etc., appreciation, communicating, showing joy in the relationship, time spent encouraging, time and attention to keeping a family calendar and remembering important dates and events, time spent thinking about how you can show love and appreciation and then doing it, time spent on “family engineering”. Watch out for attitudes like: “that’s how men are”, “men have to do that to be happy”, “that’s how his father did it, so it must be OK, or I must live with it”.

Relationships involve two people. They require the desire to work on it and study it together.  It has to work for both people. Any behavior that negatively affects your rights and needs is not OK. If he is taking care of his wants and needs, and not also focusing on yours, it is not a quality relationship. So, you must voice your needs, rights, wants, feelings in a calm, respectful, planful way. We must also take care of ourselves. Each person needs to handle their own health and wellness: physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, intellectual. But it is nice if your partner is supportive and you work together to promote wellness together. In a relationship everything is better if you “do it” together. That is the whole purpose behind being in a loving relationship. If your partner makes it impossible for you to take care of yourself, including meeting wants, it is time to get help. For instance, if he goes off on weekends and takes care of his wants and needs, but refuses to stay home(with kids)  while you go off and take care of your wants and needs, on a regular basis, it is a problem. It’s called taking turns, sharing, compromising. All this should be planned in family meetings every month. Then you don’t have to “ask”, beg, complain, bring things up at the last minute. Relationships, romantic and parenting, require time management, planning, talking, fun, showing love and encouragement, respect, giving and taking, and compromise. Remembering to be respectful is so important;  to children as well as to partners.

What most women want: men who love

08 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags:

What most women want:  men who love

“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”   Paulo Coelho

What do many women look for when dating over the age of 45?  What do we notice and look for when we read online dating profiles of men over 45?  One of the first things we notice in profiles is that men must think we are looking for “laid back and easy-going”. MANY men say this in their first sentence. Then they want us to know that they enjoy “fishing, golf, hunting”.  Then they want us to know that they want a good-looking woman.

Online dating is a good way to do research on men. It gives us a huge number of men over 45 who are single and looking. As I see the huge numbers of the above quotes I begin to wonder if these men really describe themselves this way, if they really think this is the way to attract great women, or if they have just read other men’s profiles and see this as a popular way that many men describe themselves.  I also begin to wonder if these men have really put a lot of thought into what they really want in a relationship, what they have done wrong in the past, and what type of women they are not compatible with.  These profiles have been done quickly and easily. Many other profiles are short and unsweet, with many, “thinking of something to say”, or “I’ll tell you later”. Some of them have no pictures, and virtually no content. They expect the woman to have a pic and talk, but it is OK if the man does not share, and cannot think and talk, and is unattractive.  I advise women to delete these profiles, unless they are looking for “just a companion”, a warm body, with no substance and depth.

Another thing to look for in a profile is the age range of women the men are looking for. If they are looking for women at least 10 years younger than them, then they are probably looking for arm candy and sex, as the most important things. So you may be automatically out of the running, and you should want to be!

Not many men say, “I am looking for love.”  We have to remember that the reason many of us are online is to look for quality relationships. For many of us women, when we see the above descriptions we scratch our heads, and see, “man looking for good and faithful dog, companion.”  But then the men say, “…someone to go out to dinner with and to a movie”. Ah-hah, dogs can’t do those things. Do they just want a companion, and that’s all? Of course arm candy is nice as well as good sex.

It seems that perhaps some men think they have to define themselves as a “man” and have old outdated ways of defining “men”. So they look at what other men say about themselves. Many men who are unsure of themselves look at other “men” and what they are doing in order to define manhood. These men are ego oriented and have weak egos.

But most single women over 45 are looking for more. We want real love, warmth and pleasure in a relationship, above and beyond good sex.  Chemistry is important, but other things are also important. I should mention that some women are just looking for men with money. In those cases, it doesn’t matter what a man’s profile says, or what the pic looks like. If he puts down a high income, he will have lots of women respond, from all over the world!

Most women over 45 want in a romantic relationship: love, making love, mindfulness about the relationship, wisdom and knowledge, loving learning, positive words and attitudes, a good communicator and listener, a positive approach to life and to this country and the world, warmth, kindness, lots of affection apart from sex, fun, respect for our needs, feelings, and wants, and giving.

So how can a man do these things in romantic relationships if he has not done them in 25 years?  One of the best ways is to become mindful of what makes up a good romantic relationship. If he did not see this from his parents then he needs to either read or get help.  One of the worse things we can do is go into automatic using our parents as a model.   If you did not see your parents actively involved in a really good relationship then you have to relearn relationships. We now know that many people in long relationships say that they are not really happy. It has become a relationship of convenience, or one where the people stay together out of fear.  If you did not see your parents:  openly affectionate, kissing, hugging, saying “I love you”, openly involved in good conversation, having fun as a couple, going out on dates,  giving and taking, with each of them giving to the other, then you did not see a good relationship.  If you saw a man who came home and expected to be waited on, did not sit and converse with his wife, have fun with his wife, touch his wife, laugh with his wife; instead gave orders, was negative, critical, you did not see a good relationship. If you saw lots of fighting, arguing, angry, quiet, unhappy people, you will have to relearn relationships.

Lastly, you did not see your parents having or not having sex, so you just need to know that good romantic relationships involve frequent sex and making love.  You may have to read books by professionals to learn what making love means.  It is a major giving and taking, feeling and sharing. Making love, giving love and receiving love, speaking of love, is also something you may have to learn if you did not feel loved by your parents, or never saw love between your parents. If you never learned how to feel deep feelings, or give, you will have to learn how to do this.  A common problem in long relationships is the lack of sex, making love, touch, affection. It is safe to say that those are not quality romantic relationships.  An important part of sex and making love involves “foreplay”; affection and playfulness, touch, during the days. It involves feeling love and loved. If you never saw these things between your parents, you can assume their love making was not good or non-existent. Why would you want to repeat these ways?

Women who are doing online dating over the age of 45 report that the men who say they are “laid back and easy-going”  actually:   want to do it as their father did it, or as they did it in all their relationships: come home, do as they please, get served dinner and have someone to do chores, have someone to arrange and plan everything and go to dinner  and a movie with them; understand that they will go fishing on weekends, or do what they want to do, then relax and watch TV and have a beer; they want no demands, complaining, etc.  They are laid back and easy going as long as they can do as they please, and someone takes care of them, and does not challenge them, or argue with them, and gives them sex when they want it.  We can also add boring to the list. Quality romantic relationships involve couples having fun together, laughing together; with each partner planning quality time together, and couples sharing quality conversations and learning and growing together, sharing deep thoughts as well as light moments.

We want love, warmth and pleasure in our romantic relationships, which involves each partner being mindful each day about how they can contribute to a quality relationship. We do not want “laid back and easy-going” unless that includes,  “and giving lots to insure that our love grows and flourishes.” Mindfulness includes realizing daily how much you love your partner, thinking about it, and speaking it, feeling it. When this stops, the relationship is in trouble. We want men who strive to be better at relationships; who strive to be better. We want relationships that grow and become better over the years, rather than those that die on the vine.

 

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