Why do we work hard at getting relationships, and then stop?

19 Oct 2014 2 Comments

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Parenting, Relationships Tags: , ,

Why do we work hard at getting relationships, and then stop?

 

Many of us work hard at finding love: a romantic partner; or we think we really want children, and some of us work very hard at getting pregnant. Some of us get pregnant without thinking at all: thinking about the meaning of it all, the importance of it all.

Then we often don’t know what to do once we have those relationships. Why would we work so hard at getting something, and then just stop trying?  We think those things will lead to happiness, or we think that’s what we are supposed to do. We don’t realize we have to keep working hard and wanting “it”—and pursuing love. We have to know how to do it, how to do them. We have to realize we are working on love – developing and sustaining love. It’s important.

We think someone else is going to make us happy. That is the wrong mindset. Relationships are going to be successful and meaningful only when we invest in them and work on them. We want to find meaning and purpose in life. Relationships can help to provide that. Then when we find meaning and purpose, contribute to life, living, and love, we will find happiness.

So, each day we can contribute in a meaningful way, in a loving way, to relationships. We can learn, each day, how to do this, by reading, listening, and talking with our partners and children. Why do some people find it difficult to say, “I love you”, to show love? Why is it easy to be negative, controlling, critical, irritable, talk about problems, but not to show love and caring?  It is often because we were raised by negative, controlling parents. So we have to let go of that and relearn how to do it. We first have to develop the attitude that it is simply not OK to be negative. We want to be positive and loving.

Possibly also, our parents raised us to be “me” people. When in relationships, we cannot be me, me, me. We have to be we, and me and you. I want to be fulfilled by this relationship, and I want you to be fulfilled by this relationship. My actions and words will show this. When parenting, I want to be fulfilled in my parenting role, and I want you to be fulfilled as a growing and developing person. I want you to feel loved, and thus become loving.

During our days we have to be aware of whether we sit with our loved ones and always discuss negatives: negative feelings: anger, fear, frustration, etc., problems, air grievances, and how much we discuss positives, gratitude, love, encouragement, and have fun. It is a good thing, maybe once a week, to discuss the problems and negative feelings, with a partner, but most of our time should be spent discussing positives, and touching base on how our relationship is going, and how we can strengthen it; what can we do today that is loving, fun, and that will help the other person to feel fulfilled and less stressed.

With children, and partners, our days should mainly consist of positives, and quality conversations, not with negatives. We have to ask ourselves why we are so obsessed with talking about problems and negatives. If we lived in negative, and turmoil ridden homes, we probably think that is how people interact; that is how people show that they are better than you, smarter than you. Those people thrive on negative, turmoil, problems, tearing people down. They simply never learned how to build people up, contribute and love. They never learned how to converse and have great conversations; how to be interesting, and interested. They create problems so that they can try to solve them. That is how they feel alive and the “best”. They value being better and more powerful than you. They value being right.  Great relationships are not about being right and wrong. There is usually no “right”. There are always options and choices.

So, this is not rocket science. It is simply a mindset, a skillset, and realizing your childhood was not done in a quality way, and that you want to do it better; not perfectly, but better; and that you will work hard at it; that you will work hard with your partner and child. It is a “we” thing. It is a love thing. When  I work hard to get into a relationship, I will continue to work hard to sustain it and make it great. I want to be fulfilled, and I want you to be fulfilled.

We also want to find a quality partner, know what we should be looking for, and not just fall into a relationship. Keep in mind that having a great partner will help to fulfill you in the love department, but will also make parenting very fulfilling and effective. Its important!

Please see more on these topics in my new book,  THE FLIP SIDE OF BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: A Journey Through Life and Love; The Most Important Book on Parenting and Relationships, at Amazon.

 

 

The Flip Side of Beauty and the Beast: a journey through life and love

12 Oct 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Uncategorized Tags: , , ,

Please check out my book on Amazon :        http://www.amazon.com

In the beginning, and in the end, love is all there is really. Life is a journey towards love, and we are always works in progress. When we stop learning and growing we die (inside); we become zombies, beasts. When we are confronted with negative zombies from the past we must confront our beasts and turn towards love. The following words and thoughts will hopefully lead you towards real, fulfilled love, and building people who can love: being the good beast. We will focus on becoming mindful and in the moment, and how to grow our minds, hearts, and souls, and how to grow children’s minds, hearts, and souls: the art of living and loving.
Why are you parenting and in romantic relationships? Do you want to get to 45 and be loveless?; or to 60 and be loveless? Do you want to raise children who don’t particularly like you when they leave home, and who flounder when they leave home?; who are also loveless for decades or who lose one relationship after another? These things occur from generation to generation, unless we learn how to break the cycle; Thus this book.
Relationships: Romantic and parenting, shape our lives. They are dual relationships, one shaping the other. Relationships are the main determinant of happiness. They provide love, meaningfulness, growth, connection – or not. Today, many relationships are wilting, just like a rose: romantic and parenting: wilting people, wilting love. In this world we can choose to let relationships wilt, or create vibrant, growing, beautiful relationships. We can choose to have relationships with beasts or zombies. We can choose to create young people who are beasts or zombies. Or we can choose beauty within: vibrant hearts, minds, souls.

Single Parenting

06 Apr 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , ,

Single Parenting

The last article discussed bonding at birth and after: bonding between parent and baby, and between husband and wife. What we are really talking about is quality parenting and quality marriages and relationships.  The ideal way to do parenting, for the average person, is to do it with a dedicated, healthy partner. It is great if a baby can have 2 great, healthy parents. It is great if a female baby can have a great female role model. It is great if a male baby can have a great male role model. It is good for a child to see 2 people model a great relationship, and to model love, working together as a team effectively. We do want our children to see a great romantic relationship, so that they can be better prepared and motivated to do that when they are grown. But if they don’t, the child can always study and learn how to do relationships later.

These days, of course, lots of women are single parenting, choosing to have a child outside of marriage, or single parenting after a divorce. Research has shown that this option can be just as healthy and effective if done in a quality way. It is actually healthier than having a family where one parent in the home is not emotionally/mentally healthy, or is abusive/neglectful. Remember abuse/neglect includes  emotional, verbal, physical. Abuse/neglect by one parent not only affects the child negatively, it affects the other parent negatively.

If a single parent has plenty of money, it is easier to single parent because she can pay for support systems, and the other needs of the child, and the needs of the mother, and add in recreation and fun.  Having money and resources does make single parenting easier and less stressful.

I worked with abusive/neglectful parents. It is usually best to remove the abusive parent from the home. Also, if a parent knows that their child is being abused by the other parent and does nothing to get help or stop the behavior, that parent is also guilty of abuse/neglect, unless they have been threatened. The healthy parent in that home needs to know that it is healthier to parent alone than to parent with an unhealthy person. Studies have shown that as long as a child has one very healthy, strong, loving parent, and no negative/neglectful/bad parent in the home, they will do fine.  So, it is better to parent alone than to try to parent with an unhealthy person, or an unhealthy relationship in the home. Home, for a child, and for a person, means peace, love, mutual nurturing, support, trust, security, feeling safe, sharing, caring, encouragement, learning, growing, contributing…  When a man and a woman live together without a great relationship, and try to parent with one parent/partner being a bad parent or partner, there will instead be tension and instability in the home. The above things are not present. It is then better to parent alone, and live without that person in the home.

Also, it is important to remember that living with a bad partner/bad relationship affects the woman negatively. It is hard to be a good parent when you are being dragged down by negative energy, stress, poor behavior, or a dead-beat who expects to be waited on and does not do their part in the relationship. You also do not want the child to grow up with that negative energy, and seeing an unhappy mother, unhappy relationship.

So, a single parent home can be just as quality as a two-parent home. It just requires either more money, or more effort to pull together resources, support systems, and to pull loving people and fun into your lives. The basics of good relationships are: love, encouragement, fun, and respect. We want to have homes for our kids, and for ourselves, for our relationships, where these things are present. If these things are not present, or when neglect, abuse(physical, verbal, emotional), negativity, control, are present, it is best to raise yourself and your child alone, in a peaceful, nurturing home. It is good to have a happy mother. It is difficult for a child to be happy, well-adjusted, with an unhappy mother. We  see marriages with self-centered, unhealthy, unloving, disrespectful, boring, negative, controlling/demanding men, and unhappy women. It is best to leave these marriages, and to not raise children in these atmospheres.

Finally, as long as a baby bonds with one loving person at birth, she/ he will be fine as far as the bonding stage. The baby must be held, touched, nurtured, get eye contact, hear a loving voice, etc. It is great to have two people to bond with. The more the merrier. We should value loving, sharing, nurturing, fun relationships. But we do not want to live with people, parent with people, who do not lift us up, who do not contribute to peace, love, joy, growth, and health. Two people trying to parent together in the same home need to have a strong love and respect for one another, and want each other to be happy and fulfilled.

Valuing marriages, relationships, parenting, and demonstrating that

05 Apr 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , , ,

Valuing marriages, relationships, parenting, and demonstrating that

 

Being a responsible man, husband, father, community member, who knows how to demonstrate the most important values:

This article is a followup to the newsworthy reports on New York Mets second baseman Daniel Murphy who had been getting criticized by sports radio men for missing a game due to the birth of his child.

Murphy got word late on a Sunday night that his wife was in labor, and rushed to Florida to be with her. He was there for the birth of their first child the next day, Monday, which also happened to be Opening Day. The Mets had Tuesday off, and Murphy decided to stay with his wife Wednesday. Murphy told ESPN that he and his wife decided together that it would be best for him to stay the extra day. “Having me there helped a lot, and vice versa, to take some of the load off,” he said. “It felt, for us, like the right decision to make.”

For a number of sports commentators, however, Murphy’s decision seemed ludicrous. A New York-based radio host kicked off the outrage, devoting his entire show to asking, exasperatedly, why on earth a man would need to take off more than the few hours during which his child is actually born. “For a baseball player, you take a day. All right, back in the lineup the next day. What are you doing? What would you be doing? I guarantee you’re not sitting there holding you’re wife’s hand.” “You can hire a nurse to take care of the baby if your wife needs help…Are you gonna sit there and look at your wife in the hospital bed for two days?”

“What do you do? You work the next day, then you take off three months, to do what? Have a party? ‘The baby was born…But I took maternity leave three months later.’ For what? To take pictures? I mean, what would you possibly be doing? That makes no sense. I didn’t even know there was such a thing.”

Another host said, “To me, and this is just my sensibility: 24 hours, You stay there, baby’s good, you have a good support system for the mom and the baby. You get your ass back to your team and you play baseball.”

Another host thought even 24 hours was too much time: “Quite frankly, I would’ve said, ‘C-section before the season starts. I need to be at Opening Day.”

This country needs to start valuing marriage, relationships, and parenting. Men especially need to work on this. There is a realization that many men are mentally ill, and that it is men who go on shooting sprees and kill people with guns. Gun enthusiasts like to point out that it is the men, not guns, that do this. Some men will say that we need to work on mental illness, etc., but then do nothing to make this happen. If it means taking any of their money or their time to work on mental illness in this country, then forget it. It is someone else’s problem. Any major, widespread problem in this country is OUR problem, not someone else’s problem.

There are ways to prevent much mental illness, including mentally ill men who are angry, violent, feeling isolated, unloved, are rudderless, have no effective life skills, and then become psychopaths.  This country does not talk much about prevention. We like to wait until things get bad before we act. Needless to say, this is much less effective, and very expensive. Prevention is much more effective, cheaper, and much more humane. So how do we prevent a lot of mental illness: men who grow up angry, violent, feeling isolated, unloved, are rudderless, have no effective life skills, and then become psychopaths? We value and focus on quality marriages and quality parenting. This parenting includes quality FATHERING.

Quality parenting and  a quality parenting partnership begins with the birth of your child. Lots of studies have been done showing the importance of these beginning days, months, and year. This is when bonding occurs. I will not expound on bonding studies, except to say that bonding with your child, and your child bonding with you, both of you, is extremely important. It is when you connect with your heart and soul. It is when you learn how to feel, feelings so profound they are hard to explain. It is when you hold each other, TOUCH, establish eye contact and heart contact. It is when you learn to give and take like you have never done before. It is when 3 people become a we, when a man and woman become real partners , about to do something very important for 18 years, and when their marriage takes on new meaning and value; Or not. It is when a woman can figure out if she married to a man who has very little heart and soul, the wrong values, is capable of love and feeling loved; and if he really has depth and real life skills, relationship skills. The men described above do not have the right values, and I would guess, are poor in relationships, and not great fathers, if they are fathers. They don’t have a clue regarding living life successfully in love, relationships and parenting.

The first year of  life of a child is when we learn our parenting style, our relationship style, our emotional stability and depth, our ability to feel and love, our ability to give, to compromise, to be inconvenienced, to focus on other’s needs, to practice stress management, and to move out of our comfort zone…and to examine our attitudes, beliefs and how our parents parented vs how we want to parent: father.

Read previous articles regarding what effective fathering and partnering looks like. Being a detached father/partner does not work. I had an uncle who was a  major league baseball player/coach. He was married and had 3 sons. All I saw was 3 rudderless boys, with a father who was “never there”. They ended up as total flops in life and living: mentally, emotionally ill, with zero life skills. Their mother went to a lot of games and left the kids with babysitters. The father, even when he was home, was “not there”. He was not there emotionally, mentally, actively for his boys. The only thing he knew how to do was be with men, play baseball, drink beer, and spit tobacco. For him, women were for sex, looking at, companionship, and to take care of his house and kids. He couldn’t be bothered by “fathering”.  He had the same attitudes as the sports hosts listed above.

Then there are athletes like Drew Brees. This seems to be a man, husband, father who truly has the “right” values, knows how to father, be a husband, and show responsibility; is emotionally, mentally healthy, balanced. When we are emotionally, mentally healthy, we are able to juggle, and live life effectively, including living our relationships in a quality way. This is a  man who has heart and soul and feelings, and is not ashamed to show it. He  does not go around trying to show he is a man. He is a quality man.

Even though he is away a lot during season, when he is home he knows how to do that in a quality, devoted way. He, I’m sure, is shaking his head at the idiots listed above. He is also a man who loves his community, gives back, and feels a duty to give back due to his blessings. He lives in gratitude and love.

Linda, in previous articles, also had a husband who did these unloving, uncaring things, as listed above. When their daughter was born, her husband said ,”well, you are fine, she is fine, I am going to go to the football game.” So within hours of the birth, he went to the game. Linda was in disbelief, feeling sad, and abandoned. He also said that he could go because she and the baby would be sleeping. This man had no depth, sentimentality, and really was unable to feel real love and awe in living. He only felt deeply when watching sports and having sex. Feeling and thinking with his heart and soul was not part of him. And so, this day, this act of his, became symbolic for how he developed his relationship with his daughter, and with his wife over the years. It was a surface relationship, with no depth. He did things when asked to, but never volunteered.  He never thought about his relationships; just went into automatic. This man seemed overwhelmed by life and its demands. He was able to do his “job”, at work, but anything else, like relationships and parenting, running a household and life,  he punted to his wife and others.  This man was born to a detached, unsentimental, negative, verbally abusive father. He did not bond with his father at birth, or after that. His father did not bond with his son at birth. The father did not bond with his wife at the birth, nor after that. She went through life parenting, basically alone, and often feeling alone and overwhelmed. Parenting does not mean just taking care of feeding, clothing, supervision, routines. It means so much more than that.

This country, and its men, need to start talking about what is really important to build people who are healthy: mentally, emotionally, physically, intellectually, responsible, and with a sense of contributing and giving back. It takes all of us; not just women, wives, mothers. The roles of father, husband, are so important. Doing this life with quality partners, fathers, mothers, is absolutely the best and most fulfilling way. We now know that poor parenting produces very unhealthy people. Good parents teach us to love, feel trust, bond with people, like ourselves, teach us values, attitudes, teach us life skills, people skills. Good parents are involved, good communicators, spend time with us, teach us not to be angry, self-discipline, how to be responsible, how to feel and care. Good parenting involves a full partner so that parenting does not overwhelm and isolate us. Sharing experiences fully with great human beings is what makes things fulfilling. No mother, wife should ever feel alone and overwhelmed.

When a child is born, we can either raise a great person, or we can punt(toss the ball to someone else). It is a time to say, “I am here for you honey and this child, and I will always be. I will learn with you, how to do this. We will do this together in a quality way; in good times and in stressful times. We will focus on our marriage also because our love is so important. We will be full partners and lovers.” Being there in the beginning is symbolic as well as necessary to bonding.

Or we can just continue to say guns don’t do it: people do. We need to start raising boys, men in a quality way. It starts with quality fathering and quality marriages. Each man can contribute in this way, or we can build a huge mental health system and jail system, and live in fear of mentally ill shooters, and blame mothers.

 

 

He never said he loved me: thoughts for Valentine’s Day

01 Feb 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , , ,

He never said he loved me: thoughts for Valentine’s Day

We have been talking about love; showing it, feeling it. It is a necessity when in a romantic relationship and a parent/child relationship. So it is time to start leveling, to be blunt; to make it “simple”. People ask, “so what do I do?”  It is not rocket science: say, “I love you”, just like that and in other ways, daily. Then show that you love a person by being loving and giving, being mindful each day. When you say, “I love you”, you should also mean it and feel it. It is possible you were also never taught how to love and feel loved.

Many men say, “My father never told me he loved me”. Is that OK? No, it is not OK. It is important to say it and to show it. This is another example of the dynamic that we should not go into automatic and do as our parents did. So, many men who were raised this way also sink into the thoughtless, mindless method of not saying, “I love you”, and not showing and feeling real love. Human beings are capable of thinking about what was done poorly in the olden days, and improving.

I was just watching a talk television show where they had a dad and his daughter discussing how to say I love you, in a certain way, and to do it each day. The dad has been diagnosed with cancer 3 different times over the years. The daughter is now 11 years old. Before his diagnosis with cancer, when she was in elementary school, he would daily fix her a loving bag lunch, and put in a handwritten note. She loved it so much that she saved the notes and pasted them into an album. When he was first diagnosed with cancer, he realized he wanted to not only continue doing this, but wanted to write notes for every day for the future, just in case he was not there, to last at least for the next 8 years. These are love notes. A simple way to say “I love you”, and to show love each day. You could tell by watching these 2 that they are very close and love each other very much.

Why do we sometimes wait until we are near death, or being threatened by death, to realize we have not been loving to our loved ones? It happens often. We have the opportunity today, while we are living, to embrace love and cause it to flourish. All it takes is putting effort, each day, into saying and showing love. Fathers of the past would cringe if we told them that their inability and unwillingness to say “I love you” and to outwardly show love to their wives and children, would cause their sons to not do well in romantic relationships, and to not be “loving” to their children; that it perpetuates a bad cycle.

It is so “easy” to say “I love you”. But men will tell you: “I don’t do it because my father didn’t”; “I don’t know how”, etc. Many men sink into extremes of behavior, modeling their father’s poor behavior, either being cold, quiet and uninvolved, or being loud, rude, and crude. We want to find balance in our behavior, attitudes, beliefs; in our lives. It is not really that saying, “I love you” is difficult. It is really just ineffective attitudes, beliefs, and sinking into automatic, refusing to think and learn effective ways to “do life”; to show and feel love. It is sometimes, “I don’t want to”. If we want to live happy, successful lives regarding relationships, we have to get rid of the, “I don’t want to” attitude.

We can develop the attitudes, “I want to do better than my father”, “I will learn how to show love and feel love”, “I will focus on my relationships each day”, “I will be mindful of my attitudes and behavior each day, regarding my relationships”, “I will love myself and do things each day, for myself, to show that I love myself, even though my father did not show he loved me. I forgive him for not knowing how, but I can do better than that.” “I will not perpetuate that bad cycle”. “I will work on stopping bad behavior, bad attitudes: being rude and crude, being negative, being cold and distant, being mean, being quiet and uninvolved”. “I can say to my wife and children each day, ‘I love you’. And I will feel it when I say it; take a moment to feel and be thankful for the love in my life.” If I unable to do these things, and to feel love, I will get help.

What Women Want: Men who are not psychos

29 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , ,

Dating over the age of 50

We are born. We are parented: either poorly or in a quality way. We leave home and attempt to make it on our own. If we are parented well, we usually become happy, successful, healthy (emotionally, mentally, physically, and in relationships), responsible (behaving responsibly), and self-disciplined, able to think about how we can be positive, contributing people (mindfulness), and aware of our basic beliefs and values.

If we are parented poorly, we start off our young adult years rudderless, directionless, not responsibly, not self-disciplined, and able only to think about ourselves. We often don’t know or think about our beliefs and values: we just think as our parents told us to think. We often have “ineffective” values: I value me and mine, being rich, greed, being better than the Jones’, competition, being better than others, power and control, being “right”, getting away with doing wrong: lying, manipulating. As these young people get older and experience frustration, the consequences of their poor decisions/choices, and irresponsibility, they often grow angry, depressed: their emotional/mental health starts suffering. They find that they are not successful in relationships. They no longer have their parents there to pick up the pieces, fix things, do things for them, keep them from experiencing consequences. If the situation is really bad, some young people commit suicide. Some just go on, into life, suffering more relationship failures, career failures, and being a poor parent (keeping the cycle going). Some learn to lie and manipulate even more. Some, if they are narcissists, go on to become successful in their career, but are unsuccessful in relationships.

Some of these people just continue through life rudderless, mindless, just taking life as it comes, not thinking about whether they are happy or not. They don’t have a clue how to improve their lives, and don’t want to think about it. They don’t know what “happy, healthy” is; what good relationships are. They go into automatic: doing things as their parents did it, which is not good if their parents “did life” and relationships poorly; They stress out very easily, and so try to avoid stress at all costs. But life involves stress, good and bad stress. Moving forward, change, love, trying new things…it all involves stress. If we avoid stress, we avoid life. Often they further check-out by using alcohol or drugs.

Some of these people continue on a pattern of being unhappy, unsuccessful in relationships, and try to figure out how to fix things, but have no coping skills. They often turn to lying, manipulating, breaking the law. When they do these things, they often develop fear, defense mechanisms, delusions, paranoia. Fear begets fear, begets more lies, more manipulation, more frustration… These people sometimes become psychopaths/sociopaths. By the time these people reach their 50’s, 60’s, their mental illness is fully entrenched and reaching critical stage. Unfortunately, when dating over the age of 50, we run into these mentally ill people. Most of them are not married, so they are plentiful in the dating pool. They are masters at lying, manipulating, and pretending. Many times they have become delusional and actually believe the lies they tell. It is very difficult to discover the illness until you actually move in with a person, they realize they “have you” and can stop the hard work of pretending, and some of the façade starts breaking down. But they have to work very hard not to expose themselves and their big lies. They know you are watching them daily, and they become even more paranoid. Many new marriages over the age of 50 end quickly because of this.

We have to be especially careful of people who want to date “long distance”, as it is easier to lie and hide things when we don’t see each other often. It is an excellent idea to do a background check on potential partners which will detail criminal history, bankruptcies, numbers of marriages, divorces, relatives, numbers of addresses/moves, numbers of jobs, etc. Ask for a copy of their most recent resume, and check it for accuracy. It is also good to check a university to see if they attended, and the armed forces to find out if they served and how and why they were discharged. You will need their social security number for this. You can then call ex-wives, children, places of work, etc. to get an accurate picture of a person. Be careful about moving to another state to live with a new love interest, being especially careful if moving in with them into a house that they own. Unless you have the money to move and get out quickly if needed, and find and book a new place to live, you are at risk. You will need to be able to afford an out-of-state lawyer. If leaving a psycho you will need to find a window of opportunity, in secret, to get your belongings out of a house that he/she owns. and on it goes: very risky! If you live in the same city while dating, after you leave a psycho, you may need to get a protective order to keep him/her away from you.

One thing that is missing with these men is knowing how to develop and keep a strong relationship with a woman. What is missing is knowing how to enjoy the moment and be happy in “the now”. Controlling/psycho men are in “perfect” control when they are in their houses alone, or driving alone, or on the computer alone, or at work, as long as they get along with their bosses, or don’t have bosses. Many controllers end up having their own businesses because they cannot handle authority figures. But they want a companion to do things with. This companion is fine as long as they do what the man wants to do, how he wants it done, believes as the man believes, and doesn’t have ideas. Then the man has to be in control of another person—and it is a big job if that person is living with him. And he doesn’t mind having to be in control, except his job of dictating, judging, correcting, scolding, arguing becomes a full-time job. This is fine as long as the woman listens and doesn’t talk back or get mad. But if the woman talks back, or has ideas, he becomes unhappy—and so does she.

Happiness for controlling men hinges on being in control—being in their comfort zone. These men do not know how to just be with a person—just have fun, interesting, playful, meaningful conversations—especially with women. They seem to have fun when with men, discussing or participating in sports (if they are raised on sports), or at work with other competitive men—men who sit around criticizing others, criticizing their wives, criticizing the politicians who don’t think like them…but they never learned how to just be with people—women, children, all people.

Happiness involves positive attitudes, self-acceptance, and acceptance of others as they are. These men’s controlling fathers did not model how to be successfully with a woman. They probably saw their fathers being cold, unaffectionate, unaccepting — ordering their mothers around, arguing, criticizing, expecting to be waited on. They did not see their fathers having fun with their mothers, giving affection regularly. Controlling men were raised by controlling fathers (and sometimes controlling mothers).But the scenario is usually controlling father, unhappy mother.

There is an epidemic of controlling people, mostly men, in this society. It is mostly men because the cycle begins with fathers being dictatorial and controlling with their sons. They tend to be harder on their sons than on their daughters. They want to make sure their sons become strong, forceful, and “the best”. These fathers value the wrong things/traits in their sons. But mostly these fathers were fathered this way. The cycle of unhappy men is carried on from generation to generation by poor parenting— poor fathering. We tend to parent the way that we were parented unless we learn how to do it differently. The only way we learn to do it differently, or want to do it differently, or even realize we need to do it differently, is by realizing that we are unhappy; that we are not doing well in relationships, and not doing well in life, and that was caused by very poor parenting—usually by our fathers. That is not to discount the dysfunction that can come from our mothers. But here we are talking about control mainly.

Peter had a double whammy from his parents: a mean, controlling father and a cold, unloving, unhappy mother. The father was abusive, and emotionally abusive and neglectful (neglectful of having fun and being positive with his son; showing love), but the mother was also emotionally neglectful. You have to remember though, that when a woman lives with a controlling, negative man she is very likely to become unhappy. As a result of Peter’s behaviors, lies, fear, and ego over the years, building up over the years, he developed mental illness. This man was fearful all his life—of not being “good enough”, of being wrong, not being able to “get what he wanted”, of being “found out”, being controlled by his ego—so he lied more, manipulated more. His fears brought on lies, which brought on more fears, which brought on paranoia, amnesia, depression, manic behavior, phobias, sleep and eating disorders, obsession-compulsion, delusions, delusions of grandeur, dissociative disorders. He was out of touch with reality. When he did bad things he dissociated himself from the bad thing. He was unable to see consequences. He told Linda, “sometimes I do bad things, but not on purpose”. How profound: he obviously had never thought about that statement, what it means and how to “not do bad things”. Such is mental illness.

In my opinion, and the opinions of others who have written about Donald Trump, Donald Trump is a psychopath. He is mentally ill and his disorders include narcissism and control issues, pathological lying, authoritarianism. After reading books and articles about him, the above profile meets his life growing up: mean, authoritarian, alcoholic father; unhappy mother; he was with a nurse or caregiver for many months after he was born; his mother was unable to care for him; his brother was also an alcoholic and committed suicide; parents sent him away to military school at a young age….. Trump has been unsuccessful in his marriages, and America deserves a strong, mentally healthy person as president.

Reveal the “good” in you

16 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , ,

We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is, knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the good stuff out

— Ray Bradbury

We need to learn how to let the goodness in us spill out!; how to talk and discuss about good, interesting and fun things. Many of us heard messages like: you are to be seen and not heard, from our parents. We have to let go of all those bad messages and “not good” things that we saw in our parents.

When you saw a father who was silent most of the time.; sitting in his easy chair, silent,

Thinking, thinking, thinking, like a zombie; Never speaking his thoughts.  He was never in the “now”; Thinking thoughts of, fear, uncertainty; about the past: his day; worrying about tomorrow; like the walking dead: fear, worry about the past and tomorrow; can’t enjoy now, today;

Thinking about other people(not their spouse and children); impressing others, how others act, behave; how I can be like that;  issues, problems;  not thinking about my family relationships, my marriage, how to be a great father; how to get up right now and do something good, new, different, positive, to contribute to my relationships now, today;

-How to let the good in me come out; how to let the boy in me come out and play, and talk, and cut loose; how to just be in the moment with my wife and children. Just get up and go cook with my wife, talk about their day with my children, without giving advice, criticizing. Read a book with my children or wife; talk about fun plans for the weekend…

Many men, in their dating profiles, on the first line, say, “I am a good man”; “people say I am a good man”. What does that mean?  Some say, “ I am nice; respectful; I laugh a lot”. Men need to be able to define what, “a good man” means. They need to be able to define their values, beliefs, attitudes, strengths; how they contribute to their family’s, and their own, emotional, mental, physical, intellectual, spiritual health.  Monetary health is important, but it is NOT the only thing. Money is not what makes you happy. It helps, but it is not the only thing. If it is the only thing we focus on (plus sports) we are missing the boat on “good man”. A “good man” is not one who, when with his pals, jokes about negative things, cuts people down(in fun!), talks about problems, says bad things about his wife and women; nothing but negative, negative, negative, (and then laugh about it).

We need to remember that most serial killers, shooters, abusers, are described by people, after the fact, as being “nice, a good man”, etc. “I would never have guessed this!”. Raising a child to appear “nice”, “good”, “respectful”, is good, but not enough.

Linda was dating a man who was a self-confessed taker, not a giver. He was a “me” person. He described himself, and his father, as “a good man”.

He had a daughter. One night, he and Linda were watching TV and scrolling through movies. Choices included the Star Wars movies, Harry Potter movies… Linda asked if he had seen all these great series. He said, “No. My daughter always wanted me to watch those with her, but I don’t like those kinds of movies.” Did you watch great Disney movies with her?  “No, I don’t like those kinds of movies”.  This man was unable to give to his daughter:  the gift of doing something with him that she enjoyed doing, but maybe he didn’t enjoy doing yet. When we give this type of gift to a loved one we find that we do receive pleasure (learn to like new things because we are doing it together), and give great pleasure. He missed great opportunities, and great opportunities for growing and learning, great opportunities for GIVING. Linda asked him what he is sentimental about. He said, “I am not very sentimental”; She was not sure he knew what that meant. He was a “surface” person; Lived on the surface of life, never diving down deep.

Now that he is 60, he is unable, unwilling to do “things that don’t interest me”, “things that don’t hold my attention”.  On dates, when they would sit down and watch movies, he fell asleep, even if they were top-rated action adventures. He only liked comedies. When they went to watch outdoor concerts, he would always lay down and go to sleep. When they went to the beach to sit, enjoy, and talk, he would lay down and go to sleep with his hat over his face.  He was not connecting with his date!! He was not giving of himself!  He was boring! When at concerts, or walking around, he never talked. Linda would look at him, trying to figure out “where he was”. She would ask him, “Where are you? Because you are not “with me”. Over time she figured out he was always thinking. He had had a lot of bad relationships. A couple of wives cheated on him, etc. He just was not a very happy man, although he said he laughed all the time with male friends(on the golf course). She noticed he watched people a lot; Thinking, thinking, thinking. Linda felt he had gotten to the point in life where he was afraid, unsure of himself, and trying to figure out “what happened”; didn’t know how to act anymore. He was not going to open up and “do or say something wrong”. He watched people as if he was trying to learn how to be; how to act. He was walking around thinking about his past and scared of the future. He was totally unable to be in the now with a woman. He was walking around comparing himself with other people.

When a man gets to 60, and has had a lot of bad relationships, and things have not gone well for him(except maybe in his job), he may become depressed, scared, mentally ill, etc. Women dating, over the age of 45, need to beware of this dynamic. We need to look for lots of positive things in a man, but also beware of strange things. Men must be able to show you “the good stuff” in them, and not have a long list of things they don’t do.

This man had a LONG list of things he “does not do, does not like doing” “does not interest him”, and a very short list of things he enjoyed doing; many things he had not tried. Women want men without a long list of  “I don’t do’s”.  Women want men who are fun and not boring, and willing to try new things.  You hear people say that men become set in their ways. It is not that they become set in their ways. It is that they have always been that way: Their fathers/male friends gave them clear messages regarding what “men” do and do not do. They also just have STRONG preferences regarding what they will and will not do. They are persnickety. They live in absolutes, “I never…I will not…I don’t do that…I must…”. We want to be with men who have learned what is “good” about them, like themselves,  and can show us what is good about them, and tell us what they like about us.

 

What Women Want: an equal and nurturing partnership

15 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: ,

The days of strictly divided and defined roles of man and woman from the agricultural days, the caveman days are gone. These roles were defined by need, strength of men, the woman bearing children. A woman’s job entailed skills and hard work to prepare foods from the field/farm, use time and labor intensive skills to prepare and cook meals with no machines, etc. It was hard but fulfilling work, using their hands, creativity; being skilled in creating a meal from start to finish with many steps involved. There was pleasure involved in producing a baked loaf of bread. All senses and talents were used: touch, sight, smell, with the rewards being the final product and a family who appreciated their hard work and talent, and product. They knew they had worked hard all day to produce the meals, often while taking care of children (often lots of children).

The men did the same. Worked hard all day, but usually outside, using their strength and skills. It was fulfilling, but hard work, using their hands, senses, enjoying the outdoors. Because of the intense manual labor, they often were very tired at night. And so was the woman; no machines to wash their dishes, etc. The children were EXPECTED to contribute and “work” also; doing chores and helping with the younger children. Again, even doing chores was fulfilling. Getting your hands dirty, gardening and making bread, was a lot more fun than “loading a dishwasher”. Children were trained by their parents, and did the work WITH their parents, siblings, in stages: parent gives instructions, child watches parent, child does it with their parent, then child does it alone with some supervision, parent gives feedback, child improves and gets encouragement, and is able to see the fruits of their labor.

Now, we are defined as either working in the home (including parenting), or working outside the home, whether you are male or female. Thus most people work all day and then come home (or are still at home) and want and need the same things in the evening and on weekends. If children are present, someone has to take care of parenting in the evenings and on weekends. Relationships and their roles are no longer defined by need, strength, division of labor by sex. Some men are still stuck in the old roles and old definitions; old expectations.

Women now want “equality”, as much as things can be equal, in the handling of who does what around the house in the evenings and on weekends. Men and women have the same needs: rest, recreation, a sharing of responsibilities so that it is fair for both, time alone, time with friends, time to pursue interests, time together as a couple, time for fun as a couple, the need to “receive” from your partner, time together as a family having fun… If there are no children, the needs are the same.

What is not fair is for one or the other to feel they have a right to getting needs met, while the other partner does not have these rights.  Believe it or not, women were also nurtured by parents, and continue to have a need to be nurtured when with a partner. We like to give and nurture but only when the nurturing is returned. We love to have someone cook for us, help around the house without being asked, offer to do nice and thoughtful things, plan fun, etc. When a woman or man is a “stay-at-home-parent”, that is a full time job, and the evening and weekend hours should have the same rights and privileges as a person who works outside the home. We all need to rest, recharge, and enjoy time with a partner and or kids.

There is a new opinion out by a famous male author which says that new research shows that men need to come home from work and have at least thirty minutes “off” while their testosterone levels balance off; something about that time of the day and their levels go up, so they need to relax until the levels level off. Did anyone do research on what a woman “needs” during the first 30 minutes at home, or during the early evening hours after raising kids all day? What her “hormone” levels are? Frankly, we don’t need to know these things. All we need to know is that you have 2 people who worked all day and are tired, and still have lots to do before going to bed. It is NOT ok to say one person is going to rest, while the other does the evening routines. If you have kids, you CAN’T both sit down and rest. You have kids to take care of. There is no reason why the evening routines should not be shared evenly.

The worst scenario is when the spouse says to the stay-at-home-parent: “what did you do all day? You sit around, watch the kids, let the house become a mess, don’t have dinner ready for me; now I am going to rest after “working” all day.” These spouses have NO idea what it is like to stay home and parent children all day. It may not be physically demanding, (but neither are office jobs), but it is stressful and requires very good parenting skills. You are around children all day, do not have a lot of adult contact, don’t get to go out to lunch, etc… miss the “adult” world. This causes stress. So the worst thing a partner can do is try to prove that their job is more tiring and stressful than the other partner’s. Also, a stay-at-home-parent is doing “parenting” all day, which we are not trained to do. The work-outside parent is usually in a job where they are skilled and trained. So they do not have the added stress during their day of constantly learning, relearning how to parent, kind of hit and miss at first, which can be very stressful. It does take skill to parent effectively and positively, and lots of patience.

If you are a couple without kids, it is OK to say, I need 30 minutes to relax and unwind. Then you both have 30 minutes to do what you “need” to do for yourself. The “30 minute unwinder” should not expect the other person to be “working” while they are relaxing.

Responsibilities should be SHARED. Plus chores/routines done together are a lot more fun than doing things by yourself.  Chores in this day and age are often boring, so we have to figure out how to get them done in a fair way. More on this in the next article.

Then there are weekends. I cannot understand how any partner can think that weekends are for them to rest, recreate, have fun, while their partner does nothing but raise the kids and keep the house! What is wrong with these people? Do they really think their relationship will survive long term if this is done? Weekends should also be shared and responsibilities and time should be doled out fairly. It is not OK for a partner to go out and have fun while the other stays home with responsibilities every weekend. So weekends have to be divvied up: one Saturday I go out to play(you take the kids or we get a babysitter); the next Saturday you go out to play(I take the kids or we get a babysitter); the next Saturday we stay home and do something fun with the kids; or if it is just adults, we do something fun together; the next Saturday I get to stay home and have alone time; the next Saturday you get to stay home and have alone time… Every other weekend should include “going out” as a couple, on a date.  When you become a couple, and /or have kids, it takes planning to make it work, because you have more than one person involved. You can’t just say, “I am going fishing this Saturday”, without consulting the other people in your life. If your partner is mentally, emotionally, socially, physically healthy, they will continue to be good partners and parents. If they are not, they will not be quality partners.  They will not be happy.  It is important to know that if a woman is around children all day, it is very important for her to get out and be with adults, and to get out and find “herself” frequently. If a woman gives up “herself” after becoming a spouse and mother, trouble is ahead.

Lastly, it is OK to have to ask occasionally for what you need or want. We are not mind readers, BUT women should not have to ask for what they need and want every week. If men don’t have to ask, women don’t have to ask. It should all be communicated, planned out and understood, as much as possible.  Some women feel they have to “ask” for everything and don’t like it: ask a partner to help, participate, ask for time alone or to go off on weekends, ask for affection and romance, not attached to sex, ask for dates and fun times… Not only should there be plans, but every now and then, men should offer a woman an act of kindness, an act of romance, an act of sentimentalism, that was not asked for or planned. If you sit around all day everyday and NEVER think of your partner in great ways and think about what you can do for her that would be nice or romantic, your relationship is in trouble.

Women just want fairness and “equality”, and to be nurtured, when it comes to adult relationships, and not be asked to give up parts of ourselves and our needs and wants. We want to share our lives in a special way with a partner. Life these days can be mundane, each day a repeat of the day before. We don’t plant and tend crops and animals, bake bread. We are not using our hands and bodies and our senses are not flooded with the wonders of nature and nurture, when we sit in offices. In this day and age our relationships can provide wonder, love, fun and experiences that tingle our senses. We can discover wonder and joy again together. But it takes planning, desire, creativity, discussions about us, learning to play and enjoy simple pleasures again, and learning to live in the moment. It takes wanting to give in a relationship, working on it, and then reaping the rewards.

What Women Want: Men who know what it means to be a quality partner/parent

15 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , ,

Again, how well we fare in relationships is caused mostly by how we were parented and how we saw our parents faring in relationships. Were our parents quality parents? Did they show us what great relationships look like by modeling them? Did they have great relationships with each other and with us? If your parents divorced while you were young you will have to find other adults in quality relationships to study, or read about quality relationships.

When I was at The Parenting Center, one of the groups of parents that I worked with were abusive parents referred by the courts. I did groups with them and taught them parenting classes. When teaching parenting to people that don’t want to be there and think their parenting is just fine, you have to help them understand what quality parenting looks like, and help them to see that their parents were not quality parents. Most abusive parents were abused as children. Most of us parent as our parents parented if we don’t learn how to parent differently and better: effectively, positively. In order to want to learn better ways we have to be motivated to learn to be better. Many abusive people have not seen other people parenting positively and effectively. They may think that the way they are parenting their children is “normal” or OK, (because they don’t know better). I would ask parents if they thought they were parenting well: good parents. They almost always said yes.

Then I would ask them if they thought their parents were good parents. They almost always said yes. Sometimes we put up defense mechanisms so that we can pretend we are “normal” (good people), and that our parents were normal. Maybe if we say we are good parents and that our parents were good parents it will be so. You wonder why people who were abused find it so difficult to voice that their parents were abusive. Some just block it out and never think of it again – until they have children. Then the abuse rears its ugly head. MANY dysfunctional people have a hard time admitting they are not high quality adults, not in high quality relationships. Their egos will not let them admit it, see it, and will not let them admit that they want their children to be and do better than them. So, the cycle of abuse and dysfunction repeats itself again and again. So then I would ask the parents if their parents produced happy, successful people: were they happy and successful (in relationships), and “good people”? They had to sit and think. Sometimes they would hesitate and say, “I think so”. Then I would give them a list of “qualities/skills” that experts list as qualities that happy, successful, emotionally healthy people have, and ask them to read them: honesty, integrity, hard worker, positive mental attitude, enthusiastic, loving, dependable, sense of humor, persistent, compassionate, responsible, caring, good-finder, friendly, goal-directed, wise, intelligent, good listener, organized, knowledgeable, energetic, thoughtful, able to regulate their moods…

Then I would ask them how many of those qualities/skills/attitudes they had. There would be silence. They had NEVER thought about what happy, successful looks like. They never thought about what qualities/skills they should teach/instill in their children for them to be happy/successful. Too many people just go into automatic when they become parents and just parent like their parents parented. They never stop and think, “I was abused and parented terribly. I want to learn to do it differently for the sake of my wonderful child.” Too many people also just go through life in automatic, doing relationships and everything else as their parents modeled them. We must, as adults, become self-aware and realize what it is we want to be like; what qualities we want to possess, what we want to get rid of that our parents passed along; what can help to make us happier people, and be in good relationships. So, these abusive parents had never thought about it. When we were abused we don’t have: good coping skills, good stress management skills, certainly good parenting skills. So when parenting challenges come up, or when the normal stress of parenting comes up, we not only don’t have skills, we don’t have ways to manage stress. We learned only to yell, hit and do drastic things. When yelling, hitting don’t work, behavior gets worse, and abuse occurs. After reading the list, we would sit in silence and think for a while. Soon some parents would get teary eyed. I would ask them if they thought their parents had built those qualities in them. Did they have those qualities? Did their parents’ methods of parenting build those things in them? Most people said “no”; the beginning of awareness. Even fathers in the classes would admit finally that they did not have these qualities; realized that their parents were not good parents, realized what they would like to become, and opened up to learning. Most importantly, they realized they were doing the same things to their kids as their parents had done to them.

As the classes went on, parents would continually get teary eyed as they learned positive, loving, effective parenting, and realized what they did not know. Going through life in automatic and being blind to bad parenting is not the way to go. We perpetuate the cycle, damage our children, but also continue to be damaged people going through life unhappy. Abusive/neglectful parents are often also terrible role models for what adult relationships, romantic relationships look like. So people from abusive/neglectful parents also have to learn just general relationship/people skills.

When dating, we want to find men who are good in relationships, and know what that means. The same qualities/skills we list for happy and successful people, make for people good in relationships. We need to get to know our partners very well before we marry them, or stay with them, or begin parenting with them, and look for those qualities. We need to find men who are self-aware, know what that means, and want to become more and more self aware and grow and improve. Dating in your 50’s, if you meet a man who has been a constant failure at relationships, who has never been married, or never with a woman for very long, you may want to think twice. If he thinks he is just fine and doesn’t need or want to grow and learn; run. It’s true what they say, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” (usually). Beware of men who say they are, “laid back and easy-going” (lots in their 50’s). They just want to be left alone to continue living their same old unhappy life, with no idea what real happiness looks like. They want you to hang around and do what they enjoy doing, and take care of them, and be quiet.

What you can control: for quality relationships

09 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: ,

 

In this new year, we look for things we can change or do better. We’ve learned there are things we cannot change, like the past, other people, and that it’s best to focus on now. Now is really the only thing we can change. It’s really important to know what you can and cannot change, and focus on what you can change, if it needs changing: and to focus on YOU. The easiest and best things to be in control of are: your thoughts, beliefs, your truths and trying to understand other’s truths, attitudes, words that come out of your mouth, actions.

Even in relationships, if we focus on us, the relationships will be better. In parenting, if we focus on our parenting style: positive, encouraging, fun, communicative, planful, disciplined, active, responsible, guiding, teaching, being good managers, being preventive, being balanced(not hovering and not being distant), using good stress management, learning how to do it well; we will automatically produce “better” children. Instead of doing it badly, waiting until our children misbehave, or are irresponsible, and then reacting, punishing, and yelling, we focus on our role as a quality parent. It makes parenting much more effective, easier, and less stressful. We must let go of old, ineffective, negative attitudes, and must learn how to do it: “that child will obey me”, “I will not let that child inconvenience me”, “I will do what I want and how I want it, and the child will do what I want, and do it how I want it” (even though I don’t teach, train, encourage, tell them the rules and consequences), “I will show power and wisdom, and teach, by telling them when they do something wrong, how to do it better. I don’t allow mistakes”.

The same is true in romantic relationships. If we focus on ourselves, and learning how to do it better, and talk about it with our partner, we will hopefully produce a better relationship. But do remember that if you try and try, and do mostly the right things, and your relationship does not improve, the other person does not do their part, it is time to get help. Do not shove feelings and problems under the rug. Remember you cannot change the other person. If the other person will not get help, it is time to leave the relationship. If you find that you are giving and giving, and not getting in return, it is time to get help. We are not talking about giving money, flowers, things, having a job, as giving. We are talking about giving, without the other person asking, of yourself, your time, affection, time spent planning and scheduling, time spent scheduling dates, weekends(equal time for recreation for each partner: alone, with your partner, with the children), equal time spent managing the house, meals, and children, etc., appreciation, communicating, showing joy in the relationship, time spent encouraging, time and attention to keeping a family calendar and remembering important dates and events, time spent thinking about how you can show love and appreciation and then doing it, time spent on “family engineering”. Watch out for attitudes like: “that’s how men are”, “men have to do that to be happy”, “that’s how his father did it, so it must be OK, or I must live with it”.

Relationships involve two people. They require the desire to work on it and study it together.  It has to work for both people. Any behavior that negatively affects your rights and needs is not OK. If he is taking care of his wants and needs, and not also focusing on yours, it is not a quality relationship. So, you must voice your needs, rights, wants, feelings in a calm, respectful, planful way. We must also take care of ourselves. Each person needs to handle their own health and wellness: physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, intellectual. But it is nice if your partner is supportive and you work together to promote wellness together. In a relationship everything is better if you “do it” together. That is the whole purpose behind being in a loving relationship. If your partner makes it impossible for you to take care of yourself, including meeting wants, it is time to get help. For instance, if he goes off on weekends and takes care of his wants and needs, but refuses to stay home(with kids)  while you go off and take care of your wants and needs, on a regular basis, it is a problem. It’s called taking turns, sharing, compromising. All this should be planned in family meetings every month. Then you don’t have to “ask”, beg, complain, bring things up at the last minute. Relationships, romantic and parenting, require time management, planning, talking, fun, showing love and encouragement, respect, giving and taking, and compromise. Remembering to be respectful is so important;  to children as well as to partners.