The Flip Side of Beauty and the Beast: a journey through life and love

12 Oct 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Uncategorized Tags: , , ,

Please check out my book on Amazon :        http://www.amazon.com

In the beginning, and in the end, love is all there is really. Life is a journey towards love, and we are always works in progress. When we stop learning and growing we die (inside); we become zombies, beasts. When we are confronted with negative zombies from the past we must confront our beasts and turn towards love. The following words and thoughts will hopefully lead you towards real, fulfilled love, and building people who can love: being the good beast. We will focus on becoming mindful and in the moment, and how to grow our minds, hearts, and souls, and how to grow children’s minds, hearts, and souls: the art of living and loving.
Why are you parenting and in romantic relationships? Do you want to get to 45 and be loveless?; or to 60 and be loveless? Do you want to raise children who don’t particularly like you when they leave home, and who flounder when they leave home?; who are also loveless for decades or who lose one relationship after another? These things occur from generation to generation, unless we learn how to break the cycle; Thus this book.
Relationships: Romantic and parenting, shape our lives. They are dual relationships, one shaping the other. Relationships are the main determinant of happiness. They provide love, meaningfulness, growth, connection – or not. Today, many relationships are wilting, just like a rose: romantic and parenting: wilting people, wilting love. In this world we can choose to let relationships wilt, or create vibrant, growing, beautiful relationships. We can choose to have relationships with beasts or zombies. We can choose to create young people who are beasts or zombies. Or we can choose beauty within: vibrant hearts, minds, souls.

What women want: figuring out online dating

14 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , ,

What women want: figuring out online dating

Linda learned to decipher profiles that men wrote on MeetYourMate, and learned to spot certain titles and profiles that would uncover men she did not want to be with. Many men love their dogs of course. They talk about their dogs in their profiles. They would say things like, “I wish you would understand me as well as my dog does.” “My dog understands me.” They wish women were like dogs. When some men envision the woman they want to be with, they envision the way that their dog is with them:  runs to meet them at the door, jumps on them, licks them(remember the dog has just been laying around all day), is extremely happy to see them; then follows them around, looking at them with those begging, cute puppy dog eyes, sits next to them, patiently waiting, or goes back to sleep, with their warm head in their lap; begs for dinner: the man gets up and feeds the dog and himself;  takes the dog for a walk: doesn’t have to talk, be romantic, notice the moon, or any of those things; back home, the dog is always there, loyal, undemanding except for food and a walk, uncomplicated, low maintenance. The dog knows the man is the master of the house; takes commands, listens, and is content to watch the man no matter what he does in the house. The dog will even go hunting, fishing, and go for rides in the truck…

So, what does it mean for a woman to “understand him like his dog does”, or “be like his dog”??? One thing Linda found interesting is that these men like to be waited on by women; the women should do the cooking and cleaning, take care of their man. Why is it that a dog gets “waited on” by a man: fed, grocery shopped for, walked, cleaned up after, with no complaints? But this same man will not do those things for a woman partner. Linda found that many single men in their 50’s-60’s just want a companion in a woman; someone to hang around with, go to dinner, when they want to. They want a woman to greet them at the door, kiss them, beg for them( in bed), cook their meals, clean their house, seduce them with those eyes and body; just be there, with no demands, just listen, talk when talked to, do what they want to do….low-maintenance. These men are not going to change their ways, don’t like having demands made of them, and are controlling. Beware if a man’s idea of “visioning” the woman he wants to be with is, “like my dog”.

Linda met a man who had a small, grown dog. On the first date he informed Linda that the dog gets him up at 5:00 every morning for a walk, and that he has to go home for lunch every day to take him out, and has to be home by 6:00. Linda was not wanting to have a dog control her schedule, and could not imagine never getting to sleep in, or go out to dinner or for drinks after work.  She had gone through the baby years with little sleep and lots of responsibility. But that was for babies (humans) and was temporary. Babies grow up and are taught to not pee on things, tear things up; they become disciplined and have rules. It seems that some people let dogs run their lives, including not disciplining their dogs.

Linda learned to use visioning, to envision the man she would “bring into her life”. She wanted a man whose gaze into her eyes was strong and long; while he was talking to her and listening to her his eye contact was strong and seductive. He would sit close when they were talking, lean in, touching her hand, or arm, or shoulder, or touching her face at times; if he saw something he liked while they were talking he would touch it, or tell her he “loved her….eyes”…, his face, gaze, eyes, lips were strong and expressive. He loved to talk and listen, have long conversations with her, his voice masculine, peaceful, not loud, intelligent;  a man who read books and newspapers and loved to talk about life, the world, meaningful things; yet was open, wanted to hear her words, thoughts as well; not judgmental, assuming; loved to listen to ideas, recommendations; When watching TV, or whatever, he wanted to sit close, cuddle, touch; he had wonderful ideas for fun or togetherness, being outside, experiencing nature and beauty(that did not involve hunting and fishing and sports all the time); he wanted to try new things and experience new places and people;  he wanted to grocery shop, cook with her, learning together, enjoying together, holding hands, constantly learning about each other; he told her what he liked about her often, was encouraging, loving, kind to others(including waitresses, etc),  a peaceful, happy, and exciting soul, respectful of her feelings, who wanted an equal partner to share life with. He loved music, art, architecture, plays, beaches, and was creative.

Linda wanted to find a man who, in his 50’s-60’s, was happy with the paths that he had taken in his long life, happy with his life; did not dwell on regrets, mistakes, wrong paths, fears, anger at others; a man who had a long and full life and had not used lies, manipulation, control, and ego to get what he wanted.

A dynamic of dating middle age men is that some are retired, nearing retirement, or angry because they can’t retire, or other such issues. Linda met men who had retired and this was an issue. Some men had planned for “their” retirement, for one person and of course hadn’t planned for two. They couldn’t afford for their female partner to retire also. They expected the female to keep working. This caused “problems” in the relationships. In this day and age, women often don’t have retirement savings, because they were married, stayed home to raise children, didn’t work for long, didn’t make the salaries and have the job stability, upward mobility that men had. Especially if the man has never been married, didn’t have children, or had not been married for decades: they had great retirements. They did not plan for what to do with a future partner.  There were about 10 wonderful men that Linda could not be with because the men were retired, but she could not retire. They lived very different lives, and had very different needs and expectations for their lives and partners.

Linda dated a man who was retired, had enough retirement for himself, and played golf almost every day. She worked all day and went to his house after work, ready to go out, have fun, etc. He had bad knees but would not get them worked on because “surgery might mess up his golf game.” So, at the end of the day he was home, tired from golf all day, his knees swollen, and did not want to go out. He wanted her to cook, clean for him, and put ice on his knees, and just “be with him”. She had to get up early the next morning and go to work. He did not.

Linda also learned to steer away from MeetYourMate titles such as: YourKnight, AlphaDaug, Sometimes Bad, EasyGoing, JustBrowsing, SouthernGentleman, NoBaggage, GoinFishin, HaveKids:  YourKnight was the type looking to save you; thinks you need to be saved; will control you; take care of you, but take care of you his way; AlphaDaug is the alpha male type; wants a sexy, hot woman to meet his manly needs and doesn’t mind him “straying”; lets him hunt, fish, hang with the guys; would rather be with the guys; just needs you to meet his manly needs and take care of him; is a “guys” guy; does not know how to be with a woman;  SometimesBad is the bad guy with very few scruples, values, morals; likes to be bad; no one can tell him what to do; wants a “bad” woman; a hot woman; is sometimes a sex addict, addicted to porn, and a substance abuser -and woman abuser(emotional, verbal or physical).  EasyGoing (laid-back) is a very popular description that men use of themselves. These are boring, laid-back guys who don’t want any stress, demands, demanding women; like to come home, watch the tube, drink a few beers….with no demands, expectations. JustBrowsing guys are those that have huge egos, are ashamed that they are online looking for women, and don’t want you telling anyone that you met online. They think they are wonderful and can’t understand why they can’t meet anyone, or that when they do meet someone, it does not last long.  They go through women online like they go through the TV channels. “I met you, but I am going to keep looking because I can do better; there is someone better for me out there; I deserve the best”.  The SouthernGentleman  thinks the only way to be with a woman is to open doors, pull out chairs, save her from bears and rude men, show her his road rage and toughness, control others. When she opens her own door he gets mad and insulted. You have insulted his manhood. She must act like a southern belle at all times. NoBaggage is looking for a woman with no children around, no mental illness, no elderly parents around…nothing to interfere with his life of no baggage. This is usually the man who has never been married, or hasn’t been married in a long time. The woman must be able to travel when he wants to, and move when and where he wants to.

GoinFishin is trying to attract a woman by telling her he loves to fish. His profile picture is of him holding a big fish, with fishing clothes and cap on. You can’t see what he looks like, but you certainly can see what the fish looks like! His woman must love to fish, clean fish, and eat fish. Linda learned to put in her profile: “Please, no caps & sunglasses; I want to see you!” Men MUST see a picture of the woman, but often does not have a picture, or has a picture with caps and sunglasses, or bad pictures, or dark, far away pictures, or pictures 20 years old. Men say they are “visual” and must see pics. They seem to believe that women are not visual!  A picture of a fish will suffice: or a car, motorcycle, or big house, or big something else.

HaveKids: A man in his 50’s-60’s having kids at home or on weekends is absolutely no problem, in fact it can be a positive thing. It might show that he is grounded, balanced by the demands of kids. But beware of a man who uses that as his profile title. The first sentence in his profile then looks something like this: “Yes I have kids at home (or every weekend) and I will not sacrifice that role and my time with them for a woman.” A “balanced” profile would say later, maybe at the end, that he has young children and that being a father is important, and he loves doing things with his kids, just so we will know. BUT the purpose of this profile and finding the love of your life is to attract a great woman, not to tell us how angry you are that some women just don’t understand, and that that is your first priority in writing this profile. The same goes for GoinFishin. If the first thing you want me know about you is that you love fishing, and that is your strong point, and your “woman” must know that up front, you are not going to attract me.

Another frequent dynamic in dating 50-60ish men is that many have done the 2nd, 3rd, 4th marriage thing with a young woman and now have young children. This is fine as long as they are good with this and are not angry or resentful because of this. This is fine also as long as they have learned how to be single dads. It is a juggling act, a balancing act. When married with children, the mother often handles all the logistics, phone calls, appointment setting of babysitters, figuring out how to go out on dates, setting everything up. The wife is often the man’s personal assistant. Linda dated a few guys who had kids on weekends. Obviously, this is when most of us date. The men had no idea how to date and have kids also. They had not learned how to get babysitters, or did not want to. Some had not developed the attitude that it is OK for adults with kids to go out at night; that occasionally you can and should go on adult weekends and hire a sitter for the weekend. The men feel that since they only have the kids on weekends, that they should spend every minute with the kids. These beliefs are unrealistic, and not healthy, if you are a man who believes in balance and finding a healthy mate. The men wanted the woman to go on outings with them and their kids, which is fine, but the couple also has to have real dates; or the man cannot go on vacations without his kids… A couple of guys who had their kids every weekend actually wanted to try to date her only on week nights, or the guys who had kids every other weekend, would only go out every other weekend. Having kids is more difficult, but these men must be willing to work very hard at finding balance, being realistic, learning how to get sitters, plan ahead, do what is right for his kids, and also what is right for a new date or potential partner. Dating requires thinking, planning, spending lots of time together, wanting to “attract” a person to you, going out on dates. It is not the fact that men have kids that scares us away. We like kids. It is the fact that men are not willing to figure out how to make it work, put effort into it, and show us that we are important too.

So Linda was still looking for a man truly kind, loving, fun, joyful, successful in life, happy, in touch with nature and this world, balanced, in touch with his soul, not a “me” person, not focused on ego, able and eager to leave his comfort zone and try new things without judging, not mentally ill. She was looking for love, real love, Now she was getting concerned that the pool was full of controlling fish, that did not swim well with the rest of the school; that wanted to swim with the rest of the pool only if they swam where he wanted to swim, follow him, eat the type of minnows he ate, stay out of his way and not swim in front of him. These fish stay in one part of the pool where it is safe. These fish are biting fish, that snap when they get mad, which is often. Linda needed to find a new pool, with fresh fish. They could be old fish, but they must be wonderful, positive, loving, joyful old fish. She was hoping they were not extinct.

 

Online dating: over 45

13 Jan 2014 1 Comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , ,

DATING

Online dating in middle age is a great thing and a frustrating, bewildering thing. Middle age, newly single women strike out into the online dating world totally unprepared, with lots of new dynamics to discover about the pool of available, middle age men, some mind-blowing and dangerous. How does a middle age woman prepare herself, learn how to do this, and find a quality relationship with a man?; find the man who has improved with age?

 I recently read a book, written by a man, attempting to help people know if a person they are dating is the right one by the second date. The book is generic, not specifying whether it is referring to men or women’s issues, and it does not refer specifically to middle age dating, or any one stage of dating. As we have discussed in previous articles, dating in middle age is much different from dating in your 20’s, 30’s, and a dating, middle age woman faces issues dynamic to dating middle age men, and women’s issues. I believe that trying to make dating generic, or trying to generalize it, does not work for middle age people, or middle age women.

I do believe you can “spot” lots of positives and negatives in the first dates, if you know what to look for, and the questions to ask. But a word of caution: if the man is lying, hiding things, manipulating you, (or is mentally/emotionally ill), you will not have a clue in the first dates. Older men who are dating, and have dated for a long time, and have become desperate, (there are lots of them), have become very good at those things. An example is a man telling you he likes all the things you like, and then when you move in with him, you find out he was lying, just to please you, and “get” you. Then he becomes his true self. These are controlling men who value lying, cheating, winning (winning you over).

So to recap, it is just as important to spot the negatives in those first dates, as it is to feel and spot the positives. And you do need to know what you are looking for. We now know that just because you are attracted to someone, he makes you feel special, wines and dines you, impresses you with all his money(which may not be true), you feel butterflies, etc., there is much more to look for, and also negatives to look for.

To summarize from past articles: What women don’t want:
Negativity: Controllers:
1) Wants to control others; judge them, criticize them; give them advice, order them around; tell them what to do, when, where, how to do it; argues a lot; is often irritated, irritable(anger, anxiety)(anger: yelling, raging); has their own definitions of right and wrong ; “my way or the highway” attitude; there is only one way to do things: my way; perceives things and people negatively; looks for mistakes;
2) Doesn’t want to be controlled, told what to do; perceives ideas and recommendations as telling them what to do, or criticizing or challenging their ideas; when you have ideas they see you as thinking you are smarter, have better ideas than them; can’t apologize; can’t admit mistakes;
3) Is not in “control” of themselves: of their actions, attitudes, words, thoughts, perceptions; their lives are often out of control: jobs, relationships; can’t handle frustration; lack of patience; so they try to control their immediate environment: house, loved ones; value turmoil (so they can use their advice skills, obtain power, and get attention); are ego-oriented: have a need for approval; never feel they are good enough(due to how they were parented);
4) Has the need to stay in “their comfort zone”. This person was given messages as a child: it is not OK to make mistakes: they develop a fear of failure; so they do not usually try new things; They feel very “safe” in their home, sometimes at work, and doing things that they have always done and are good at; they are not terribly comfortable in social situations, unless it is a sporting event; they feel control when in their car;

What Women Want:
Positive: celebrates being positive, encouraging, kind and loving; a man who is thankful and grateful for all the good things
:To know what a man’s values and beliefs are; one would be to become self-aware and learn new and better skills, attitudes, perceptions, behaviors, so that we can be happy and contribute to happiness in our relationships. We need to know what our values are. Do we/our partners value power, control, being right, being the best at the expense of others, etc.? Or do we value kindness, peace, fun, happiness, enjoying the “now”, etc.? We, as adults, have to consciously decide to be positive, notice positives, and speak positives with those we care about: be respectful and encouraging, and not try to control others.
: Men who are good communicators. Controllers don’t communicate well. They argue, tell you what to do, criticize, order, command, yell, remind, nag, threaten etc
: Men who know what it means to be a quality partner and parent; Relationship skills versus control
: How to be with a woman: Eating together; a man who is touch with feelings, intimacy, romance: 1st date: eating together: ask him to close his eyes; what does he hear; then what does he feel.
: chores to be shared, learned,…
: men who are not empty inside: are …. are not “other directed”(directed by their ego);
: men who are mentally, emotionally healthy. No OCD, anxiety, depression, anger problems; has good stress management skills and problem-solving, decision making skills.
: an equal and nurturing partnership
: “Giving”
:Men who are not cheaters; don’t have addictions: sexual addiction; addiction to porn and masturbating
Men without tempers;

A man who:
Is fun; knows how to be joyful, peaceful; open minded; likes to leave his comfort zone and try new things; is able to plan and carry out special dates and plans all through the year;
Is able to leave his comfort zone and try new things, learn new things, relax and enjoy a vacation or outing with a woman;
Has a long list of things he does, wants to do, rather than a long list of things he doesn’t do, will not do;
Is able to be in the here and now; enjoy his time with you; rather than living in fear, regret, thinking about the past and worrying about the future. ( is caught up in past anger, sadness, guilt…);
Is affectionate, appreciative, encouraging and respectful; Is respectful of your feelings and needs
Is able to feel love; is sentimental, caring, sharing; is able to do this every week; not just on special occasions;
Celebrates options, ideas, choices rather than “do it my way; my way is the only way; don’t challenge me, disagree with me”; is able to compromise;
A man who is self-aware, has done self examination over the years, and has become wiser and better; is able to talk about how he was parented; where he learned about relationships and if he has learned how to be a better partner; knows where quality relationships come from;
Values sex and making love with a woman, and knows what that means; is affectionate at other times, other than when he wants sex: playful and sensual;

DATING: Things to notice on first dates: Are they good conversationalists? Have good eye contact? Do they wait for you to talk and then argue, disagree, one-up, criticize you, question you (why did you do that?), tell you what you should’ve done and how? Do they listen to you but not add to the conversation in a positive, fun way? Do they make fun of you (criticize you), even if in a sarcastic way (attempting to be funny)? Are they complementary, kind, encouraging, say funny things? Do they talk about the surroundings, what they see, hear, feel, smell (are they sensual)? What they like; positive things about the food, etc.? Are they pleasant to the wait staff? Do they complain? Do they complain about their job? Are they happy?, Or serious, reserved? Do they concentrate more on their food and eating than on you? Do they have good table manners?
Do they seem ego directed? Rather than inner directed. Do they “brag” about who they know, how they are better than others, what they do (rather than who they are, what kind of person they are), their fancy car…
Do they look healthy? (this is especially important for older men).

Examples of questions to ask on the first dates:
What is your fondest memory of childhood? What is your most negative memory during childhood? Do you think you were parented well? Do you think your parents had a good relationship? Find out how long they were together. What do you consider a good relationship? Tell the man what you look for in a relationship, and what are red flags for you.
What do you do for fun, relaxation?, Favorite foods, drinks?, Foods you won’t eat. What’s in your refrigerator? What is your favorite trip that you have been on? Where do you want to go if your wishes were granted? Do you go on vacations?
What comes to mind when I say, “sex”?
How many times have you been married? What ended your marriages? If they have never married, ask them why they think that is. (men over 45).
Do you like your job? If you had your dream job, what would it be?
I like men who are givers. I am a giver. What do you consider “giving”? (other than material things and paying for things). Do you enjoy planning, shopping, cooking together, or do you like to be cooked for and served? I would sometimes give by cooking and serving you. Would you sometimes also give by cooking and serving me?
If you could retire and go anywhere, where would you go? Or would you stay here, why? What do you see yourself doing during retirement?
If you had a million dollars right now, what would you do?

What you won’t necessarily discover in the first 2 dates:
-If the man has a temper; has anger issues; is easily angered; perceives things/happenings/words negatively; (picks fights); seems to thrive on turmoil, problems;
-What the man is like outside of his comfort zone: is like on “vacations”, in places other than in his home and his town;
-You will discover a true control freak when you move into his space. That is his space, his comfort zone. Older men have pronounced comfort zones and are often set in their ways, especially if they have never married.

What to do in the first months:
-go someplace big and open and look at the moon, stars, or full moon…or a sunset….is he able to see, feel, experience it with you, sit still? Is he happy here, peaceful, able to “drink it all in”?
-go on a “vacation” together; does he “do the beach” well? (or the mountains, etc.); Not a golf, tennis, or fishing vacation unless you do those things also. Does he snore every night? Is he a morning person? Does he seem lost on a vacation? Does he need you to plan everything and execute everything? Does he “initiate”? Does he know “what to do with a woman” on a vacation?
So, we really can learn a lot in the first few dates with a man if we date smart, and if the man is honest and acts himself. Asking intelligent, interesting, guided questions will at least reveal if a man is interesting, can think and speak on his feet, is fun, and is open to being questioned. If he answers your questions and has none of his own, be wary. You may be able to spot control and negativity, but maybe not, if the man works hard to hide all that for now. You can at least start to get a feel for if a man will be fun, interesting, encouraging, respectful, loving, and kind.

Also, remember that there is usually a lot to talk about on first dates. Controlling, negative, boring men have a lot of general, first date questions to ask. They also love to hear about your past “problems”, past bad relationships. They like to talk about their past, bad relationships, bad bosses, etc. Then they like to solve your problems for you and talk about how they dealt with their problems and bad people. Nothing is ever their fault of course. So, it is good to not talk about those things on first dates. Talk about positive things, the here and now, how you are feeling(your senses), the above questions and issues.

You will only find out when a man is “boring” when those first dates are past, the general, “tell me about yourself” questions are done, and a man has to actually communicate, be interesting, fun, affectionate, and positive.