What Women Want: Men who know what it means to be a quality partner/parent

15 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , ,

Again, how well we fare in relationships is caused mostly by how we were parented and how we saw our parents faring in relationships. Were our parents quality parents? Did they show us what great relationships look like by modeling them? Did they have great relationships with each other and with us? If your parents divorced while you were young you will have to find other adults in quality relationships to study, or read about quality relationships.

When I was at The Parenting Center, one of the groups of parents that I worked with were abusive parents referred by the courts. I did groups with them and taught them parenting classes. When teaching parenting to people that don’t want to be there and think their parenting is just fine, you have to help them understand what quality parenting looks like, and help them to see that their parents were not quality parents. Most abusive parents were abused as children. Most of us parent as our parents parented if we don’t learn how to parent differently and better: effectively, positively. In order to want to learn better ways we have to be motivated to learn to be better. Many abusive people have not seen other people parenting positively and effectively. They may think that the way they are parenting their children is “normal” or OK, (because they don’t know better). I would ask parents if they thought they were parenting well: good parents. They almost always said yes.

Then I would ask them if they thought their parents were good parents. They almost always said yes. Sometimes we put up defense mechanisms so that we can pretend we are “normal” (good people), and that our parents were normal. Maybe if we say we are good parents and that our parents were good parents it will be so. You wonder why people who were abused find it so difficult to voice that their parents were abusive. Some just block it out and never think of it again – until they have children. Then the abuse rears its ugly head. MANY dysfunctional people have a hard time admitting they are not high quality adults, not in high quality relationships. Their egos will not let them admit it, see it, and will not let them admit that they want their children to be and do better than them. So, the cycle of abuse and dysfunction repeats itself again and again. So then I would ask the parents if their parents produced happy, successful people: were they happy and successful (in relationships), and “good people”? They had to sit and think. Sometimes they would hesitate and say, “I think so”. Then I would give them a list of “qualities/skills” that experts list as qualities that happy, successful, emotionally healthy people have, and ask them to read them: honesty, integrity, hard worker, positive mental attitude, enthusiastic, loving, dependable, sense of humor, persistent, compassionate, responsible, caring, good-finder, friendly, goal-directed, wise, intelligent, good listener, organized, knowledgeable, energetic, thoughtful, able to regulate their moods…

Then I would ask them how many of those qualities/skills/attitudes they had. There would be silence. They had NEVER thought about what happy, successful looks like. They never thought about what qualities/skills they should teach/instill in their children for them to be happy/successful. Too many people just go into automatic when they become parents and just parent like their parents parented. They never stop and think, “I was abused and parented terribly. I want to learn to do it differently for the sake of my wonderful child.” Too many people also just go through life in automatic, doing relationships and everything else as their parents modeled them. We must, as adults, become self-aware and realize what it is we want to be like; what qualities we want to possess, what we want to get rid of that our parents passed along; what can help to make us happier people, and be in good relationships. So, these abusive parents had never thought about it. When we were abused we don’t have: good coping skills, good stress management skills, certainly good parenting skills. So when parenting challenges come up, or when the normal stress of parenting comes up, we not only don’t have skills, we don’t have ways to manage stress. We learned only to yell, hit and do drastic things. When yelling, hitting don’t work, behavior gets worse, and abuse occurs. After reading the list, we would sit in silence and think for a while. Soon some parents would get teary eyed. I would ask them if they thought their parents had built those qualities in them. Did they have those qualities? Did their parents’ methods of parenting build those things in them? Most people said “no”; the beginning of awareness. Even fathers in the classes would admit finally that they did not have these qualities; realized that their parents were not good parents, realized what they would like to become, and opened up to learning. Most importantly, they realized they were doing the same things to their kids as their parents had done to them.

As the classes went on, parents would continually get teary eyed as they learned positive, loving, effective parenting, and realized what they did not know. Going through life in automatic and being blind to bad parenting is not the way to go. We perpetuate the cycle, damage our children, but also continue to be damaged people going through life unhappy. Abusive/neglectful parents are often also terrible role models for what adult relationships, romantic relationships look like. So people from abusive/neglectful parents also have to learn just general relationship/people skills.

When dating, we want to find men who are good in relationships, and know what that means. The same qualities/skills we list for happy and successful people, make for people good in relationships. We need to get to know our partners very well before we marry them, or stay with them, or begin parenting with them, and look for those qualities. We need to find men who are self-aware, know what that means, and want to become more and more self aware and grow and improve. Dating in your 50’s, if you meet a man who has been a constant failure at relationships, who has never been married, or never with a woman for very long, you may want to think twice. If he thinks he is just fine and doesn’t need or want to grow and learn; run. It’s true what they say, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” (usually). Beware of men who say they are, “laid back and easy-going” (lots in their 50’s). They just want to be left alone to continue living their same old unhappy life, with no idea what real happiness looks like. They want you to hang around and do what they enjoy doing, and take care of them, and be quiet.

What Women Want: Men who give

15 Jan 2014 1 Comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: ,

Myth: Women are supposed to be the nurturers. Men are supposed to be nurtured by women, and not be nurturers.

Truth: We BOTH need nurturing; lots of it. Those old roles from the agricultural days no longer apply. We separated roles for survival, according to the need for muscle strength, and need; back when living and surviving were not mechanized, and bought in stores. In good relationships both partners fully participate in all tasks. If both people work, what happens after work is even- Steven. In the modern age, girls and boys are both nurtured by their mother and father. Then when we “go away” from our parents, we both continue to have an equal need to be nurtured, cared for.  Men whose attitudes live in the Stone Age, think they are to be nurtured, with no need to nurture their partner. In counseling, you see a lot of young women, newly married, or new mothers, who suffer from depression.  One of the things that causes this is that all of a sudden they are not being nurtured, but are expected to nurture their husbands, kids, and everyone else, at the expense of their own emotional and mental health. This is not OK. Couples should discuss, while dating, expectations of roles, beliefs, values, wants, needs. Maybe you don’t yet realize what is important to you in couple life. It helps to go to classes such as Marriage Enrichment, or read and discuss books. If you realize after marriage, that you are unhappy, depressed, then it is good to discuss the issues or go to counseling. Never shove them under the rug and hope they will go away. They won’t. Of course anything you can do BEFORE MARRIAGE is best because divorce is very painful.

For those of us dating in middle age, if we meet a man who expects to be nurtured, and is not a nurturer, we need to give it up early. It is not likely a man in his 50’s is going to change. If he is also a controller, not only will he expect you to do everything that he wants you to do, he will criticize/judge you while you do it. We need to find these things out before we marry a person.

For young women who are dating, be very careful about the messages you give to your male companion while dating. Many of us want to impress our dates and so we set the stage for lots of fancy cooking, preparing wonderful meals, parties, etc. We do this to try and get a man to want to marry us, many times. And we may truly enjoy doing this, for a while. If we live together before marriage, we may, in the beginning do all the cooking, cleaning, planning, shopping, etc. But it is very important, before marrying, that you make it clear that once married you want the relationship to be one of sharing all responsibilities, as equally as possible. You do not want your role to be that of cook, planner, cleaner, bottle washer, household manager, etc. If both of you work, the rest of the responsibilities and planning needs to be shared, so that it is fair, and so that both of you nurture each other. These things may be fun when dating, but when in a married relationship, and especially when children come along, making a house, home and love work requires both partners giving equally. Parenting also should be equally shared. This needs to be made clear before marriage. So, what happens in the evening and on weekends is even-Steven. Also, parenting equally, sharing the chores, fun stuff, and experiences makes parenting more fulfilling. Parenting is a wonderful thing when it is shared with a full partner. Chores, etc. also are easier to stomach, and can be fun, if done with a partner.

You’ve heard, “walk a mile in my shoes”. Every partner, parent needs to experience the full experience of parenting, managing a relationship and a family, and running a household, so that they know what it entails fully. We also learn from each other when doing it this way.

“Working” includes a stay-at-home mom, who works out of the home raising children. Equal “duty” should happen after 5:00 and on weekends. No matter where or how you work, you need a break in the evening and on weekends. So everyone should share responsibilities in the evening and on weekends, including children; and everyone should play and have time alone, and time together, on weekends.

Again, do not go into automatic in relationships. The way that your parents did it, is not the way it is done today. Family dynamics have totally changed. AND we now know what made wives/mothers unhappy and unfulfilled, and what made husbands/fathers sink into expecting to be waited on and into letting the wife do most everything that needed to be done alone and without “help”. We now know what makes relationships fulfilling, loving and fun. We have to be very careful re attitudes from the past.  ANYONE will let people wait on them, and take care of them, and all responsibilities outside of the workplace. If you give, give, give, without expecting anything in return, then your expectations are poor, and you need to start communicating your needs and expectations for quality relationships, sharing, fairness, and giving. If your partner does not initiate mindfulness, giving, planning and sharing, just as you do, then you need to make clear that that is what you need.  Romantic relationships will only be high quality when partners share, care, take responsibility, talk, hug, and kiss while sharing, respect each other’s rights and needs, share the fun and the not fun, the ups and downs, and play together.

 

Online dating: over 45

13 Jan 2014 1 Comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , ,

DATING

Online dating in middle age is a great thing and a frustrating, bewildering thing. Middle age, newly single women strike out into the online dating world totally unprepared, with lots of new dynamics to discover about the pool of available, middle age men, some mind-blowing and dangerous. How does a middle age woman prepare herself, learn how to do this, and find a quality relationship with a man?; find the man who has improved with age?

 I recently read a book, written by a man, attempting to help people know if a person they are dating is the right one by the second date. The book is generic, not specifying whether it is referring to men or women’s issues, and it does not refer specifically to middle age dating, or any one stage of dating. As we have discussed in previous articles, dating in middle age is much different from dating in your 20’s, 30’s, and a dating, middle age woman faces issues dynamic to dating middle age men, and women’s issues. I believe that trying to make dating generic, or trying to generalize it, does not work for middle age people, or middle age women.

I do believe you can “spot” lots of positives and negatives in the first dates, if you know what to look for, and the questions to ask. But a word of caution: if the man is lying, hiding things, manipulating you, (or is mentally/emotionally ill), you will not have a clue in the first dates. Older men who are dating, and have dated for a long time, and have become desperate, (there are lots of them), have become very good at those things. An example is a man telling you he likes all the things you like, and then when you move in with him, you find out he was lying, just to please you, and “get” you. Then he becomes his true self. These are controlling men who value lying, cheating, winning (winning you over).

So to recap, it is just as important to spot the negatives in those first dates, as it is to feel and spot the positives. And you do need to know what you are looking for. We now know that just because you are attracted to someone, he makes you feel special, wines and dines you, impresses you with all his money(which may not be true), you feel butterflies, etc., there is much more to look for, and also negatives to look for.

To summarize from past articles: What women don’t want:
Negativity: Controllers:
1) Wants to control others; judge them, criticize them; give them advice, order them around; tell them what to do, when, where, how to do it; argues a lot; is often irritated, irritable(anger, anxiety)(anger: yelling, raging); has their own definitions of right and wrong ; “my way or the highway” attitude; there is only one way to do things: my way; perceives things and people negatively; looks for mistakes;
2) Doesn’t want to be controlled, told what to do; perceives ideas and recommendations as telling them what to do, or criticizing or challenging their ideas; when you have ideas they see you as thinking you are smarter, have better ideas than them; can’t apologize; can’t admit mistakes;
3) Is not in “control” of themselves: of their actions, attitudes, words, thoughts, perceptions; their lives are often out of control: jobs, relationships; can’t handle frustration; lack of patience; so they try to control their immediate environment: house, loved ones; value turmoil (so they can use their advice skills, obtain power, and get attention); are ego-oriented: have a need for approval; never feel they are good enough(due to how they were parented);
4) Has the need to stay in “their comfort zone”. This person was given messages as a child: it is not OK to make mistakes: they develop a fear of failure; so they do not usually try new things; They feel very “safe” in their home, sometimes at work, and doing things that they have always done and are good at; they are not terribly comfortable in social situations, unless it is a sporting event; they feel control when in their car;

What Women Want:
Positive: celebrates being positive, encouraging, kind and loving; a man who is thankful and grateful for all the good things
:To know what a man’s values and beliefs are; one would be to become self-aware and learn new and better skills, attitudes, perceptions, behaviors, so that we can be happy and contribute to happiness in our relationships. We need to know what our values are. Do we/our partners value power, control, being right, being the best at the expense of others, etc.? Or do we value kindness, peace, fun, happiness, enjoying the “now”, etc.? We, as adults, have to consciously decide to be positive, notice positives, and speak positives with those we care about: be respectful and encouraging, and not try to control others.
: Men who are good communicators. Controllers don’t communicate well. They argue, tell you what to do, criticize, order, command, yell, remind, nag, threaten etc
: Men who know what it means to be a quality partner and parent; Relationship skills versus control
: How to be with a woman: Eating together; a man who is touch with feelings, intimacy, romance: 1st date: eating together: ask him to close his eyes; what does he hear; then what does he feel.
: chores to be shared, learned,…
: men who are not empty inside: are …. are not “other directed”(directed by their ego);
: men who are mentally, emotionally healthy. No OCD, anxiety, depression, anger problems; has good stress management skills and problem-solving, decision making skills.
: an equal and nurturing partnership
: “Giving”
:Men who are not cheaters; don’t have addictions: sexual addiction; addiction to porn and masturbating
Men without tempers;

A man who:
Is fun; knows how to be joyful, peaceful; open minded; likes to leave his comfort zone and try new things; is able to plan and carry out special dates and plans all through the year;
Is able to leave his comfort zone and try new things, learn new things, relax and enjoy a vacation or outing with a woman;
Has a long list of things he does, wants to do, rather than a long list of things he doesn’t do, will not do;
Is able to be in the here and now; enjoy his time with you; rather than living in fear, regret, thinking about the past and worrying about the future. ( is caught up in past anger, sadness, guilt…);
Is affectionate, appreciative, encouraging and respectful; Is respectful of your feelings and needs
Is able to feel love; is sentimental, caring, sharing; is able to do this every week; not just on special occasions;
Celebrates options, ideas, choices rather than “do it my way; my way is the only way; don’t challenge me, disagree with me”; is able to compromise;
A man who is self-aware, has done self examination over the years, and has become wiser and better; is able to talk about how he was parented; where he learned about relationships and if he has learned how to be a better partner; knows where quality relationships come from;
Values sex and making love with a woman, and knows what that means; is affectionate at other times, other than when he wants sex: playful and sensual;

DATING: Things to notice on first dates: Are they good conversationalists? Have good eye contact? Do they wait for you to talk and then argue, disagree, one-up, criticize you, question you (why did you do that?), tell you what you should’ve done and how? Do they listen to you but not add to the conversation in a positive, fun way? Do they make fun of you (criticize you), even if in a sarcastic way (attempting to be funny)? Are they complementary, kind, encouraging, say funny things? Do they talk about the surroundings, what they see, hear, feel, smell (are they sensual)? What they like; positive things about the food, etc.? Are they pleasant to the wait staff? Do they complain? Do they complain about their job? Are they happy?, Or serious, reserved? Do they concentrate more on their food and eating than on you? Do they have good table manners?
Do they seem ego directed? Rather than inner directed. Do they “brag” about who they know, how they are better than others, what they do (rather than who they are, what kind of person they are), their fancy car…
Do they look healthy? (this is especially important for older men).

Examples of questions to ask on the first dates:
What is your fondest memory of childhood? What is your most negative memory during childhood? Do you think you were parented well? Do you think your parents had a good relationship? Find out how long they were together. What do you consider a good relationship? Tell the man what you look for in a relationship, and what are red flags for you.
What do you do for fun, relaxation?, Favorite foods, drinks?, Foods you won’t eat. What’s in your refrigerator? What is your favorite trip that you have been on? Where do you want to go if your wishes were granted? Do you go on vacations?
What comes to mind when I say, “sex”?
How many times have you been married? What ended your marriages? If they have never married, ask them why they think that is. (men over 45).
Do you like your job? If you had your dream job, what would it be?
I like men who are givers. I am a giver. What do you consider “giving”? (other than material things and paying for things). Do you enjoy planning, shopping, cooking together, or do you like to be cooked for and served? I would sometimes give by cooking and serving you. Would you sometimes also give by cooking and serving me?
If you could retire and go anywhere, where would you go? Or would you stay here, why? What do you see yourself doing during retirement?
If you had a million dollars right now, what would you do?

What you won’t necessarily discover in the first 2 dates:
-If the man has a temper; has anger issues; is easily angered; perceives things/happenings/words negatively; (picks fights); seems to thrive on turmoil, problems;
-What the man is like outside of his comfort zone: is like on “vacations”, in places other than in his home and his town;
-You will discover a true control freak when you move into his space. That is his space, his comfort zone. Older men have pronounced comfort zones and are often set in their ways, especially if they have never married.

What to do in the first months:
-go someplace big and open and look at the moon, stars, or full moon…or a sunset….is he able to see, feel, experience it with you, sit still? Is he happy here, peaceful, able to “drink it all in”?
-go on a “vacation” together; does he “do the beach” well? (or the mountains, etc.); Not a golf, tennis, or fishing vacation unless you do those things also. Does he snore every night? Is he a morning person? Does he seem lost on a vacation? Does he need you to plan everything and execute everything? Does he “initiate”? Does he know “what to do with a woman” on a vacation?
So, we really can learn a lot in the first few dates with a man if we date smart, and if the man is honest and acts himself. Asking intelligent, interesting, guided questions will at least reveal if a man is interesting, can think and speak on his feet, is fun, and is open to being questioned. If he answers your questions and has none of his own, be wary. You may be able to spot control and negativity, but maybe not, if the man works hard to hide all that for now. You can at least start to get a feel for if a man will be fun, interesting, encouraging, respectful, loving, and kind.

Also, remember that there is usually a lot to talk about on first dates. Controlling, negative, boring men have a lot of general, first date questions to ask. They also love to hear about your past “problems”, past bad relationships. They like to talk about their past, bad relationships, bad bosses, etc. Then they like to solve your problems for you and talk about how they dealt with their problems and bad people. Nothing is ever their fault of course. So, it is good to not talk about those things on first dates. Talk about positive things, the here and now, how you are feeling(your senses), the above questions and issues.

You will only find out when a man is “boring” when those first dates are past, the general, “tell me about yourself” questions are done, and a man has to actually communicate, be interesting, fun, affectionate, and positive.

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