He never said he loved me: thoughts for Valentine’s Day

01 Feb 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , , ,

He never said he loved me: thoughts for Valentine’s Day

We have been talking about love; showing it, feeling it. It is a necessity when in a romantic relationship and a parent/child relationship. So it is time to start leveling, to be blunt; to make it “simple”. People ask, “so what do I do?”  It is not rocket science: say, “I love you”, just like that and in other ways, daily. Then show that you love a person by being loving and giving, being mindful each day. When you say, “I love you”, you should also mean it and feel it. It is possible you were also never taught how to love and feel loved.

Many men say, “My father never told me he loved me”. Is that OK? No, it is not OK. It is important to say it and to show it. This is another example of the dynamic that we should not go into automatic and do as our parents did. So, many men who were raised this way also sink into the thoughtless, mindless method of not saying, “I love you”, and not showing and feeling real love. Human beings are capable of thinking about what was done poorly in the olden days, and improving.

I was just watching a talk television show where they had a dad and his daughter discussing how to say I love you, in a certain way, and to do it each day. The dad has been diagnosed with cancer 3 different times over the years. The daughter is now 11 years old. Before his diagnosis with cancer, when she was in elementary school, he would daily fix her a loving bag lunch, and put in a handwritten note. She loved it so much that she saved the notes and pasted them into an album. When he was first diagnosed with cancer, he realized he wanted to not only continue doing this, but wanted to write notes for every day for the future, just in case he was not there, to last at least for the next 8 years. These are love notes. A simple way to say “I love you”, and to show love each day. You could tell by watching these 2 that they are very close and love each other very much.

Why do we sometimes wait until we are near death, or being threatened by death, to realize we have not been loving to our loved ones? It happens often. We have the opportunity today, while we are living, to embrace love and cause it to flourish. All it takes is putting effort, each day, into saying and showing love. Fathers of the past would cringe if we told them that their inability and unwillingness to say “I love you” and to outwardly show love to their wives and children, would cause their sons to not do well in romantic relationships, and to not be “loving” to their children; that it perpetuates a bad cycle.

It is so “easy” to say “I love you”. But men will tell you: “I don’t do it because my father didn’t”; “I don’t know how”, etc. Many men sink into extremes of behavior, modeling their father’s poor behavior, either being cold, quiet and uninvolved, or being loud, rude, and crude. We want to find balance in our behavior, attitudes, beliefs; in our lives. It is not really that saying, “I love you” is difficult. It is really just ineffective attitudes, beliefs, and sinking into automatic, refusing to think and learn effective ways to “do life”; to show and feel love. It is sometimes, “I don’t want to”. If we want to live happy, successful lives regarding relationships, we have to get rid of the, “I don’t want to” attitude.

We can develop the attitudes, “I want to do better than my father”, “I will learn how to show love and feel love”, “I will focus on my relationships each day”, “I will be mindful of my attitudes and behavior each day, regarding my relationships”, “I will love myself and do things each day, for myself, to show that I love myself, even though my father did not show he loved me. I forgive him for not knowing how, but I can do better than that.” “I will not perpetuate that bad cycle”. “I will work on stopping bad behavior, bad attitudes: being rude and crude, being negative, being cold and distant, being mean, being quiet and uninvolved”. “I can say to my wife and children each day, ‘I love you’. And I will feel it when I say it; take a moment to feel and be thankful for the love in my life.” If I unable to do these things, and to feel love, I will get help.

What Women Want: Men who are not zombies

29 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , ,

We  talk about scary things and zombies at Halloween time, and now zombies are all the rage on TV; time to be scared, fearful. Many middle aged men are scared, fearful all year long…of love, getting close, getting hurt, rejected; scared of being vulnerable. So they protect themselves from these things. They close up emotionally. All experts will tell them the only way to find true love is to put yourself out there. Take off your costumes, masks, defenses, past hurts. Be aware of the past and what was done wrong, fix what can be fixed, let go of what can’t be changed, and move on. We cannot be thinking about the past, or the future(because we can’t see the future), in a relationship. We must be fully in the present; fully with the one we are with, and fully with ourselves. We have to be skilled in shutting out negative thoughts, feelings that pop into our heads and putting ourselves back into the present and all the wonderful things in the present.

Women often talk about being with men who are “not really there” when they are with them. They are often “emotionally checked out”. They are zombies. It is scary! Another word for these men is “space cadets”. When with these men we can tell that they are “somewhere else”. Experts will tell you that their minds are in the past or future; thinking about negative things that happened in the past(worrying), or worrying about the future, even the rest of the day or week. To be emotionally available we have to let go of fear. We cannot change the past and we certainly cannot cause the future in relationships. The most effective thing we can do is be fully in the present: be into the person we are with. What’s ironic is that all the worrying we do to try to improve the present is the very thing that messes up the present.

Men also have to be willing to be hurt and/or rejected. It’s part of loving. Your fear of being hurt can cause you not ever to be hurt again: be alone for the rest of your life. You have all heard the phrase, “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” ; so true. Egos also get in the way big time. If your ego keeps you from going after someone, or saying something or doing something: sticking yourself out there, because it doesn’t what you to be rejected, you have to learn to not operate from your ego. I have also heard ego-oriented men say they don’t compliment women because they don’t want the women to get big heads: don’t want the woman to feel they are better than them. They want to keep the women “down there” so that they, the men, can elevate themselves “up there”. Egos are very bad in relationships, and in life.

There is spooky talk of zombies evolving into our day and time; that there really are zombies. Middle age women will tell you that there are LOTS of men zombies out there. They can’t listen, think, be mindful, use their 5 senses to see, feel beauty, wonder, play, touch, to really see women. They can’t feel and show real romantic love with a woman.When you talk to them, they are off somewhere else, in zombie land, with no eye contact. They grunt, look at you blankly, can’t feel, don’t like touch and giving. When driving with them they are off somewhere else. Single, middle age men become zombies after many years of fear, negativity, ego: closing themselves off: their hearts, souls, minds dry up. How more zombie can you get? It’s pretty scary!

What Women Want: Men who are not psychos

29 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , ,

Dating over the age of 50

We are born. We are parented: either poorly or in a quality way. We leave home and attempt to make it on our own. If we are parented well, we usually become happy, successful, healthy (emotionally, mentally, physically, and in relationships), responsible (behaving responsibly), and self-disciplined, able to think about how we can be positive, contributing people (mindfulness), and aware of our basic beliefs and values.

If we are parented poorly, we start off our young adult years rudderless, directionless, not responsibly, not self-disciplined, and able only to think about ourselves. We often don’t know or think about our beliefs and values: we just think as our parents told us to think. We often have “ineffective” values: I value me and mine, being rich, greed, being better than the Jones’, competition, being better than others, power and control, being “right”, getting away with doing wrong: lying, manipulating. As these young people get older and experience frustration, the consequences of their poor decisions/choices, and irresponsibility, they often grow angry, depressed: their emotional/mental health starts suffering. They find that they are not successful in relationships. They no longer have their parents there to pick up the pieces, fix things, do things for them, keep them from experiencing consequences. If the situation is really bad, some young people commit suicide. Some just go on, into life, suffering more relationship failures, career failures, and being a poor parent (keeping the cycle going). Some learn to lie and manipulate even more. Some, if they are narcissists, go on to become successful in their career, but are unsuccessful in relationships.

Some of these people just continue through life rudderless, mindless, just taking life as it comes, not thinking about whether they are happy or not. They don’t have a clue how to improve their lives, and don’t want to think about it. They don’t know what “happy, healthy” is; what good relationships are. They go into automatic: doing things as their parents did it, which is not good if their parents “did life” and relationships poorly; They stress out very easily, and so try to avoid stress at all costs. But life involves stress, good and bad stress. Moving forward, change, love, trying new things…it all involves stress. If we avoid stress, we avoid life. Often they further check-out by using alcohol or drugs.

Some of these people continue on a pattern of being unhappy, unsuccessful in relationships, and try to figure out how to fix things, but have no coping skills. They often turn to lying, manipulating, breaking the law. When they do these things, they often develop fear, defense mechanisms, delusions, paranoia. Fear begets fear, begets more lies, more manipulation, more frustration… These people sometimes become psychopaths/sociopaths. By the time these people reach their 50’s, 60’s, their mental illness is fully entrenched and reaching critical stage. Unfortunately, when dating over the age of 50, we run into these mentally ill people. Most of them are not married, so they are plentiful in the dating pool. They are masters at lying, manipulating, and pretending. Many times they have become delusional and actually believe the lies they tell. It is very difficult to discover the illness until you actually move in with a person, they realize they “have you” and can stop the hard work of pretending, and some of the façade starts breaking down. But they have to work very hard not to expose themselves and their big lies. They know you are watching them daily, and they become even more paranoid. Many new marriages over the age of 50 end quickly because of this.

We have to be especially careful of people who want to date “long distance”, as it is easier to lie and hide things when we don’t see each other often. It is an excellent idea to do a background check on potential partners which will detail criminal history, bankruptcies, numbers of marriages, divorces, relatives, numbers of addresses/moves, numbers of jobs, etc. Ask for a copy of their most recent resume, and check it for accuracy. It is also good to check a university to see if they attended, and the armed forces to find out if they served and how and why they were discharged. You will need their social security number for this. You can then call ex-wives, children, places of work, etc. to get an accurate picture of a person. Be careful about moving to another state to live with a new love interest, being especially careful if moving in with them into a house that they own. Unless you have the money to move and get out quickly if needed, and find and book a new place to live, you are at risk. You will need to be able to afford an out-of-state lawyer. If leaving a psycho you will need to find a window of opportunity, in secret, to get your belongings out of a house that he/she owns. and on it goes: very risky! If you live in the same city while dating, after you leave a psycho, you may need to get a protective order to keep him/her away from you.

One thing that is missing with these men is knowing how to develop and keep a strong relationship with a woman. What is missing is knowing how to enjoy the moment and be happy in “the now”. Controlling/psycho men are in “perfect” control when they are in their houses alone, or driving alone, or on the computer alone, or at work, as long as they get along with their bosses, or don’t have bosses. Many controllers end up having their own businesses because they cannot handle authority figures. But they want a companion to do things with. This companion is fine as long as they do what the man wants to do, how he wants it done, believes as the man believes, and doesn’t have ideas. Then the man has to be in control of another person—and it is a big job if that person is living with him. And he doesn’t mind having to be in control, except his job of dictating, judging, correcting, scolding, arguing becomes a full-time job. This is fine as long as the woman listens and doesn’t talk back or get mad. But if the woman talks back, or has ideas, he becomes unhappy—and so does she.

Happiness for controlling men hinges on being in control—being in their comfort zone. These men do not know how to just be with a person—just have fun, interesting, playful, meaningful conversations—especially with women. They seem to have fun when with men, discussing or participating in sports (if they are raised on sports), or at work with other competitive men—men who sit around criticizing others, criticizing their wives, criticizing the politicians who don’t think like them…but they never learned how to just be with people—women, children, all people.

Happiness involves positive attitudes, self-acceptance, and acceptance of others as they are. These men’s controlling fathers did not model how to be successfully with a woman. They probably saw their fathers being cold, unaffectionate, unaccepting — ordering their mothers around, arguing, criticizing, expecting to be waited on. They did not see their fathers having fun with their mothers, giving affection regularly. Controlling men were raised by controlling fathers (and sometimes controlling mothers).But the scenario is usually controlling father, unhappy mother.

There is an epidemic of controlling people, mostly men, in this society. It is mostly men because the cycle begins with fathers being dictatorial and controlling with their sons. They tend to be harder on their sons than on their daughters. They want to make sure their sons become strong, forceful, and “the best”. These fathers value the wrong things/traits in their sons. But mostly these fathers were fathered this way. The cycle of unhappy men is carried on from generation to generation by poor parenting— poor fathering. We tend to parent the way that we were parented unless we learn how to do it differently. The only way we learn to do it differently, or want to do it differently, or even realize we need to do it differently, is by realizing that we are unhappy; that we are not doing well in relationships, and not doing well in life, and that was caused by very poor parenting—usually by our fathers. That is not to discount the dysfunction that can come from our mothers. But here we are talking about control mainly.

Peter had a double whammy from his parents: a mean, controlling father and a cold, unloving, unhappy mother. The father was abusive, and emotionally abusive and neglectful (neglectful of having fun and being positive with his son; showing love), but the mother was also emotionally neglectful. You have to remember though, that when a woman lives with a controlling, negative man she is very likely to become unhappy. As a result of Peter’s behaviors, lies, fear, and ego over the years, building up over the years, he developed mental illness. This man was fearful all his life—of not being “good enough”, of being wrong, not being able to “get what he wanted”, of being “found out”, being controlled by his ego—so he lied more, manipulated more. His fears brought on lies, which brought on more fears, which brought on paranoia, amnesia, depression, manic behavior, phobias, sleep and eating disorders, obsession-compulsion, delusions, delusions of grandeur, dissociative disorders. He was out of touch with reality. When he did bad things he dissociated himself from the bad thing. He was unable to see consequences. He told Linda, “sometimes I do bad things, but not on purpose”. How profound: he obviously had never thought about that statement, what it means and how to “not do bad things”. Such is mental illness.

In my opinion, and the opinions of others who have written about Donald Trump, Donald Trump is a psychopath. He is mentally ill and his disorders include narcissism and control issues, pathological lying, authoritarianism. After reading books and articles about him, the above profile meets his life growing up: mean, authoritarian, alcoholic father; unhappy mother; he was with a nurse or caregiver for many months after he was born; his mother was unable to care for him; his brother was also an alcoholic and committed suicide; parents sent him away to military school at a young age….. Trump has been unsuccessful in his marriages, and America deserves a strong, mentally healthy person as president.

What Women Want: Men who are good relationship communicators

25 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: ,

What Women Want: Men who are good relationship communicators

Controllers don’t communicate well. They argue, tell you what to do, criticize, order, command, yell, remind, nag, threaten etc. They think it implies smarts and skill. It is actually easy to argue with others. Skilled conversation means being able to initiate intelligent, meaningful, thoughtful, interesting, non-threatening conversation, or to simply be a good listener and reflecter. Communication is the glue that holds relationships together. It is so important. It says, “I enjoy talking with you”. If your parent was not a good communicator, you will have to learn how to do it, and let go of his negative, ineffective ways. All of the tips above and below will teach you how to start communicating positively and get into meaningful, connecting conversations. There is communication for many reasons, one being simply connecting and sharing. Communication is crucial. It is the 1st step in conflict resolution and prevention.

If you were raised by a controller, you were not allowed to feel and express feelings, especially negative feelings. They see it as weakness. You will have to learn how to do this and give yourself permission to feel and discuss it with others. A controller will order you to do something, put a finger in your face. When you order me to do something I am less likely to do it:
Listening: listening is one of our best communication tools. When a child or adult is talking, just listen. It is called active listening. People love it when they feel someone is really listening to them. So when someone is talking, be still and listen: turn your mind off except to be hearing their voice inflections, their feelings, except to be looking into their eyes and noticing what their eyes are doing, how they look, what they are saying, their mouth speaking, lips moving….. do not focus on correcting them, arguing with them, one-upping them; do not interrupt; do not be thinking about you are going to say next; calm down and breathe; then use reflective listening; reflect feelings; if you say something like, “wow, you must’ve been really angry…”, this will cause the conversation to continue, with feedback like, “ yea, I was because…..”. When you start giving advice or trying to fix them or fix their problem, you close off communication. People do not like to be told what to do. If you are a controller that likes to tell others what to do, but do not like to be told what to do, think about it. What a paradox!

Apologize when you have done something wrong or inconsiderate. It shows strength and character. Controllers don’t apologize because they never think that they have done anything wrong, and that it shows weakness to apologize. An apology is simply, “I’m sorry”. Don’t “take away” the apology by saying, “I’m sorry BUT, you never…you always….you need to…”. Then it becomes an attacking “you” message.

Peter: Communication when in a social situation with his wife present: He is a very poor communicator when it comes to listening and initiating meaningful, positive conversation. He is an expert in negative communication. He listens for opportunities to argue and correct people, especially his wife. So, he waits for his wife to speak and then argues, corrects, or makes fun of her. Peter had virtually no pleasant happy past, so he has a very hard time finding pleasant things to talk about. Example: at a party Peter was pointing out to everyone how many clothes and shoes Linda had, “It is ridiculous”…. He has belittled her, and then he hopes she will start arguing with him. This is conversation for Peter.

Threatening: controllers often use threats to gain control. Threats can be very damaging. In the least they are just bad. Peter used threats regularly with Linda when he was raging or angry. He thought it would force Linda to submit and behave herself: stop challenging him. All that threats do is cause the person being threatened to lose their sense of safety and security, and to not trust the person threatening. Controllers (parents) often use the following with teens: “If you don’t______ you will be out of here (out of the house).” If you do ______again, you will be out of here”. This is extremely damaging, and can destroy any trust that a child has in his parent, and his sense of security. Threatening a child, or an adult, in this manner is abuse.

Lastly, it is a parent’s job to teach good communication, good conversation. That includes how to converse with everyone: males, females, teachers, friends, strangers(social skills), how to debate, argue constructively and effectively, the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness, how to be open and not argumentative, how to listen, give and take in conversation; sharing thoughts, stopping to reflect, showing caring/compassion; to talk about meaningful, interesting subjects; to be well rounded. People should talk about what is important to them, what they value, what they believe, and learn from others: be open.

Boys need to learn to discuss and care about things other than sports and “male things”. They need to know what they value other than sports heroes, sports, male things. They value things(people) other than winning, being the best, being better than others, themselves, money, material things, “I want it now”, being right. Sons of controllers do not learn to value conversation. Their fathers are quiet except when negative communication is needed : to correct, scold, or when talking about sports. Communication for these boys becomes being “talked at”, talked over, yelled at, and criticized.

Linda dated a man for a while, in his 60’s, who had not learned how to communicate except for the above ways. He did not know how to be with a woman effectively (except to do and talk about sex). In addition he was a lawyer. If a conversation started he must be allowed to totally finish his points, his “arguments” before the woman could speak. He would get furious if she “interrupted.” She would then get the silent treatment. When he had a problem with something she did, he did not discuss it. He just got silent. He did not converse; he “argued his points”. He loved talking in a courtroom because he could argue his points without being interrupted (he objected loudly if anyone interrupted). He could make his points ’til the cows come home.
Conversation/discussion involves give and take, reflection, listening, pausing, back and forth: you make a point or offer a thought; you pause, reflect and allow the other person to interject or speak; you listen, think and reflect, comment if you like…you offer not only your points, but reflect back to the person what you heard them say, what they may be feeling, and then they can respond. You offer encouragement, appreciation for their thoughts, expressing their feelings, appreciation for their words, knowledge; appreciation for opening up; affection: touching is wonderful while talking; acceptance: “ I accept all your thoughts and feelings; I may not agree but I accept that they are your feelings…I respect them and you, and here is what I think.”

This man did not like to “confront” problems in a conversation or relationship. He did not know how to do problem solving through communication. This man lost touch with his abusive father when he was 5. His single mother raised him and 4 siblings while working. She waited on him and doted on him. He did not receive effective discipline and guidance. He did whatever he wanted and then in Catholic schools he received harsh discipline and words for his unruly, undisciplined behavior, especially in high school.

When Linda wanted to discuss their problems, issues he simply would not. He said, “It reminds me of going to the principal’s office. I hate it”. He would clam up and be silent. He would rather end a relationship than have to discuss important issues. For him, dealing with problems/issues had always been frought with fighting, loud arguing, accusations, blame, harsh words, yelling, harsh punishment, unfairness. His mother didn’t deal with them at all. His absent father had hit the children, (beat the boys) (hit the mother).

Linda asked why his last marriage ended. He said they “fought a lot”. Linda knew that what he meant by this was that they had lots of issues, problems. The wife would try to discuss them, deal with them. He would not. So the problems festered, grew, went unresolved. If they did try to discuss them, they became “fights”. He was a controller and so he also felt he was always right on issues as well. There was no need to talk about it, “I am right, you are wrong. I will do whatever in the hell I want to do.” Because he was a controller, he OFTEN was upset, got mad about things his partners did. So there were often “problems”. He created problems/anger. Because of his negative perceptions and attitudes, he often would get upset, and then of course not want to talk about it. Even if the couple was discussing politics, current events, etc., if she did not agree with his opinions/points he would get mad. “You do not disagree with my opinions; do not argue with me; you must do things the way that I want you to do them”.

Couples must learn good communication, problem solving, not only for good, wonderful conversations, but for the times when communication needs to work on issues, or talk about serious, important things; to be able to converse, bounce things off of each other, share, care, discuss feelings, explore, reflect, talk about your joy, sad times, listen, touch: all communication.
We want men who use good communication, encouragement, let go of negatives and control, are aware of their attitudes, perceptions, judging others often; know how to be responsible and self-disciplined, how to love, and how to be with a woman.

 

What Women Want: Men who want lasting, romantic relationships

25 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: ,

What Women Want: Men who want lasting, romantic relationships

It seems there are two types of men, regarding relationships with women: the bachelor type and the relationship type. The type becomes apparent when they are young. They either enter into a serious, monogamous, loving relationship or not. Many men decide to just play the field and have fun. Some men decide at some point that they want to “settle down” but are unsuccessful. They either make this decision consciously or subconsciously. Then something happens. They grow old.

Some categories of men over 45 are:

1. Married young(early 20’s); married a long time; now single
2. Married young; divorced within 10 years; single since then
3. Married in 30’s; divorced within 10 years
4. Married in 30’s; married a long time
5. Married in 40’s; married a short time
6. Never married
7. Divorced in 40’s: married one or two very young women after that; now single
8. Married multiple times: 3-6 times

Then we have men over 45 who either still want to “be single”, but want someone to hang around with and have sex with, or have decided they might like to enter into a real, serious, romantic relationship with one woman. The problem is, they don’t know how to do this and have lost their youthful looks and youth. Trying to date these men is difficult because it is hard to figure out which category a man fits into. They are usually not going to tell us. They may now realize they have a problem; now have a track record or divorces; no marriages; short marriages; or non-quality marriages. They may see that they don’t do well in relationships with women. Perhaps all their lives they have focused on money and power, their jobs. Now they want to try to focus on a relationship.

The men who married young and were married a long time and then divorced, often were also focused on jobs, children, growing up, etc.; everything but their romantic relationships. Then 20-30 years later their marriages end, due to neglect, and/or growing up and apart.

For many of us, we simply don’t know how to do romantic relationships, or don’t know the value of loving, romantic relationships. Then one day we wake up and realize this. Some of us never wake up. The bottom line is that we should value loving, committed, wonderful romantic relationships and commit at an early age to learning about relationships, and working on finding them and making them strong. Young and old adults have to pay attention to relationships and be aware daily of making them wonderful and strong. Gone are the days of thinking relationships will develop and thrive on their own, with no giving and work done by us. The only way to get rid of the old and tired beliefs on relationships is to examine your parents’ relationships, read what a quality relationship looks like, and re-parent yourself. No one should go into automatic unless you saw a loving, wonderful relationship between your parents, and learned from it; and if your parents parented you in a loving, strong, kind, peaceful, communicative, instructful, successful way, devoid of teaching you ego, bad values, self-centeredness, taking and not giving, fear, control, and negativity.

So many men over 45 left long, bad marriages and don’t have a clue regarding the underlying causes of the relationship’s failings. Some have never thought about it. Some were so hurt by it that they give up on romantic relationships rather than learn how to do quality relationships. Women then meet men who have been unsuccessful in relationships all their lives. Rather than try to figure out why and which category a man is in, it is easier, and better, to just ask if they are looking for a real, romantic, committed, monogamous relationship. Then ask them to explain what they think that is, and ask if they have done some reading and discussing, relearning, re-parenting. Ask if they feel their parents had a great relationship, and explain that. Then you want to know if they are willing to pay attention to, nurture, become aware of, and work on a relationship. Explain what you mean by this. If they don’t know, or say no, you should walk away. Remember, many men, in their online dating profiles say that they want to be laid back, easy going, have no stress, etc. These men are probably not good candidates for giving attention to, learning about, talking about, planning good relationships. What we want to find out is: are you a relationship person or a confirmed “bachelor type” person? Do you believe quality relationships don’t require any attention, awareness, learning? Do you think you know how to love and be loved?(not talking about sex); What are you looking for in a relationship? What is quality to you?

Many single men have gone through 30-50 years of their lives not thinking about romantic/love relationships, no matter whether they were married or not. Again, they have focused on work, money, power, children’s activities, their good looks and egos, watching other people and trying to be like them( keeping up with the Jones’), etc. Then, we reach 45, and are without our past, and have to re-think our lives. Some people are equipped and eager to do this and some are not. In the dating world, that is the toughest part to find out.
It is also important to keep in mind that some men, after decades of relationship failures, become emotionally or mentally ill, or emotionally unavailable. Women will also need to figure this out when dating. It is not easy. For instance, one disorder is sexual addiction. These men thrive on attracting and “catching” women, and having new and exciting sex with them (whether the men are married or not). Usually once they have “won” them, they move on to their next conquest. The only way these men “feel” is when having sex. They cannot “love”. Also, feel-good chemicals and hormones are released during sex, acting much like a drug to sexual addicts. Attracting and conquering women boosts their egos. They are ego dependent. It shows(they think) that they are very attractive, know how to “win”, that they are talented, and better than other men. They do not respect women. They need to have new women oohing and aahing over them. This disorder is also not easy to uncover.

Finally, there are reasons that single people over 45 have not been successful in romantic relationships. It is important not to look at “end results”, or the final reasons people list as the “reason our marriage broke up”, or the “reason our relationship ended”. Keep in mind that just because a person was married for 20 years does not mean that they were ever good at relationships. If you were married for 20 years and never discussed your relationship, didn’t take time, every now and then to review the past, and talk about the future with your partner, to talk about all the things you appreciate about them, etc., you probably did not have a good relationship. It is more important to look at the big picture. Why has a man never been successful at relationships? What effect has it had on him? Are faithful, romantic relationships important to him? Has he become self-aware and wanting to learn how to do it “right”?

Couples can decide just to co-exist together: provide companionship and sex. But the fact that long marriages end after many years of doing this, shows that humans are not happy with a romantic relationship that never becomes a real, loving, fulfilling relationship after the honeymoon period is over. We want more. Evolved and complex humans are capable of great love, great intellectual and emotional stimulation, great affection and touching, great things, great relationships. But first we have to be aware, thinking, feeling, and self-actualized humans. We are capable of learning how to do things, move past instincts and fight and flight, and fear, discussing things, learning from each other, thinking about unhealthy pasts, and breaking cycles of unhealthy pasts, and evolving to be higher functioning, healthier and happier humans. We can and should re-parent ourselves. Humans are capable of using all resources available to them to learn and grow, and to seek out those resources. Unevolved humans don’t do those things. They don’t think about their relationships or seek to learn more, discuss with others, and seek out resources. They don’t seek to experience life at a grander and fuller level. Most of our higher level learning and growing should occur after the age of 21: learning about life, love, and fulfillment. When we kick into automatic, do what’s easy, get lazy with life, we are no better than lower level animals. We are not using the gifts our creator gave us. It starts with, “I want to do this.”

It is hard to understand how men go to work and talk about the past successes and failures, strategically plan for the future, and discuss improvement, quality, etc., but do not do this with their romantic relationships at home. It has to do with attitude, beliefs, values, lack of examination of values, lack of skills. It also has to do with how they were parented and what they saw their parents’ relationship as; their attitude towards authority figures, talking through problems, control issues, etc. Linda dated a man who, when they had a fight, refused to discuss it and work through it. Issues were never discussed. He said that discussing issues in relationships reminded him of going to the principal’s office. Somehow he transposed talking with an authority figure as being the same as talking with a romantic partner; saw it the same way. As a teen, he was parented poorly: thus never learned how to discuss his behavior, thoughts, feelings, etc. Punishment was used on him rather than discipline. He feared talking and thinking about himself. Men like this are able to talk about themselves and promote themselves at work because it is ego talking. They feel skilled in talking about their work. But talking about themselves at home, with a partner, is leaving ego, and talking about your heart, mind, soul, dreams, values regarding love, communication, etc. This man was a lawyer and his job was to talk, argue, help his clients. But he was unable to help himself and his relationships; unable to talk about them. For him communicating involved arguing, talking without being interrupted(control) (not knowing how to “discuss”), trying to win, being right, competing. He never learned how to communicate with a woman; a romantic partner, except about sex. With men he discussed his job, sports, sex, and women’s bodies. The only things he read about women were girly magazines. That teens and young adults never learn to talk about being healthy socially, emotionally, life, people, successful behavior, and relationship skills, is sad. We must learn to value healthy relationships and quality parenting.

 

What women want: figuring out online dating

14 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , ,

What women want: figuring out online dating

Linda learned to decipher profiles that men wrote on MeetYourMate, and learned to spot certain titles and profiles that would uncover men she did not want to be with. Many men love their dogs of course. They talk about their dogs in their profiles. They would say things like, “I wish you would understand me as well as my dog does.” “My dog understands me.” They wish women were like dogs. When some men envision the woman they want to be with, they envision the way that their dog is with them:  runs to meet them at the door, jumps on them, licks them(remember the dog has just been laying around all day), is extremely happy to see them; then follows them around, looking at them with those begging, cute puppy dog eyes, sits next to them, patiently waiting, or goes back to sleep, with their warm head in their lap; begs for dinner: the man gets up and feeds the dog and himself;  takes the dog for a walk: doesn’t have to talk, be romantic, notice the moon, or any of those things; back home, the dog is always there, loyal, undemanding except for food and a walk, uncomplicated, low maintenance. The dog knows the man is the master of the house; takes commands, listens, and is content to watch the man no matter what he does in the house. The dog will even go hunting, fishing, and go for rides in the truck…

So, what does it mean for a woman to “understand him like his dog does”, or “be like his dog”??? One thing Linda found interesting is that these men like to be waited on by women; the women should do the cooking and cleaning, take care of their man. Why is it that a dog gets “waited on” by a man: fed, grocery shopped for, walked, cleaned up after, with no complaints? But this same man will not do those things for a woman partner. Linda found that many single men in their 50’s-60’s just want a companion in a woman; someone to hang around with, go to dinner, when they want to. They want a woman to greet them at the door, kiss them, beg for them( in bed), cook their meals, clean their house, seduce them with those eyes and body; just be there, with no demands, just listen, talk when talked to, do what they want to do….low-maintenance. These men are not going to change their ways, don’t like having demands made of them, and are controlling. Beware if a man’s idea of “visioning” the woman he wants to be with is, “like my dog”.

Linda met a man who had a small, grown dog. On the first date he informed Linda that the dog gets him up at 5:00 every morning for a walk, and that he has to go home for lunch every day to take him out, and has to be home by 6:00. Linda was not wanting to have a dog control her schedule, and could not imagine never getting to sleep in, or go out to dinner or for drinks after work.  She had gone through the baby years with little sleep and lots of responsibility. But that was for babies (humans) and was temporary. Babies grow up and are taught to not pee on things, tear things up; they become disciplined and have rules. It seems that some people let dogs run their lives, including not disciplining their dogs.

Linda learned to use visioning, to envision the man she would “bring into her life”. She wanted a man whose gaze into her eyes was strong and long; while he was talking to her and listening to her his eye contact was strong and seductive. He would sit close when they were talking, lean in, touching her hand, or arm, or shoulder, or touching her face at times; if he saw something he liked while they were talking he would touch it, or tell her he “loved her….eyes”…, his face, gaze, eyes, lips were strong and expressive. He loved to talk and listen, have long conversations with her, his voice masculine, peaceful, not loud, intelligent;  a man who read books and newspapers and loved to talk about life, the world, meaningful things; yet was open, wanted to hear her words, thoughts as well; not judgmental, assuming; loved to listen to ideas, recommendations; When watching TV, or whatever, he wanted to sit close, cuddle, touch; he had wonderful ideas for fun or togetherness, being outside, experiencing nature and beauty(that did not involve hunting and fishing and sports all the time); he wanted to try new things and experience new places and people;  he wanted to grocery shop, cook with her, learning together, enjoying together, holding hands, constantly learning about each other; he told her what he liked about her often, was encouraging, loving, kind to others(including waitresses, etc),  a peaceful, happy, and exciting soul, respectful of her feelings, who wanted an equal partner to share life with. He loved music, art, architecture, plays, beaches, and was creative.

Linda wanted to find a man who, in his 50’s-60’s, was happy with the paths that he had taken in his long life, happy with his life; did not dwell on regrets, mistakes, wrong paths, fears, anger at others; a man who had a long and full life and had not used lies, manipulation, control, and ego to get what he wanted.

A dynamic of dating middle age men is that some are retired, nearing retirement, or angry because they can’t retire, or other such issues. Linda met men who had retired and this was an issue. Some men had planned for “their” retirement, for one person and of course hadn’t planned for two. They couldn’t afford for their female partner to retire also. They expected the female to keep working. This caused “problems” in the relationships. In this day and age, women often don’t have retirement savings, because they were married, stayed home to raise children, didn’t work for long, didn’t make the salaries and have the job stability, upward mobility that men had. Especially if the man has never been married, didn’t have children, or had not been married for decades: they had great retirements. They did not plan for what to do with a future partner.  There were about 10 wonderful men that Linda could not be with because the men were retired, but she could not retire. They lived very different lives, and had very different needs and expectations for their lives and partners.

Linda dated a man who was retired, had enough retirement for himself, and played golf almost every day. She worked all day and went to his house after work, ready to go out, have fun, etc. He had bad knees but would not get them worked on because “surgery might mess up his golf game.” So, at the end of the day he was home, tired from golf all day, his knees swollen, and did not want to go out. He wanted her to cook, clean for him, and put ice on his knees, and just “be with him”. She had to get up early the next morning and go to work. He did not.

Linda also learned to steer away from MeetYourMate titles such as: YourKnight, AlphaDaug, Sometimes Bad, EasyGoing, JustBrowsing, SouthernGentleman, NoBaggage, GoinFishin, HaveKids:  YourKnight was the type looking to save you; thinks you need to be saved; will control you; take care of you, but take care of you his way; AlphaDaug is the alpha male type; wants a sexy, hot woman to meet his manly needs and doesn’t mind him “straying”; lets him hunt, fish, hang with the guys; would rather be with the guys; just needs you to meet his manly needs and take care of him; is a “guys” guy; does not know how to be with a woman;  SometimesBad is the bad guy with very few scruples, values, morals; likes to be bad; no one can tell him what to do; wants a “bad” woman; a hot woman; is sometimes a sex addict, addicted to porn, and a substance abuser -and woman abuser(emotional, verbal or physical).  EasyGoing (laid-back) is a very popular description that men use of themselves. These are boring, laid-back guys who don’t want any stress, demands, demanding women; like to come home, watch the tube, drink a few beers….with no demands, expectations. JustBrowsing guys are those that have huge egos, are ashamed that they are online looking for women, and don’t want you telling anyone that you met online. They think they are wonderful and can’t understand why they can’t meet anyone, or that when they do meet someone, it does not last long.  They go through women online like they go through the TV channels. “I met you, but I am going to keep looking because I can do better; there is someone better for me out there; I deserve the best”.  The SouthernGentleman  thinks the only way to be with a woman is to open doors, pull out chairs, save her from bears and rude men, show her his road rage and toughness, control others. When she opens her own door he gets mad and insulted. You have insulted his manhood. She must act like a southern belle at all times. NoBaggage is looking for a woman with no children around, no mental illness, no elderly parents around…nothing to interfere with his life of no baggage. This is usually the man who has never been married, or hasn’t been married in a long time. The woman must be able to travel when he wants to, and move when and where he wants to.

GoinFishin is trying to attract a woman by telling her he loves to fish. His profile picture is of him holding a big fish, with fishing clothes and cap on. You can’t see what he looks like, but you certainly can see what the fish looks like! His woman must love to fish, clean fish, and eat fish. Linda learned to put in her profile: “Please, no caps & sunglasses; I want to see you!” Men MUST see a picture of the woman, but often does not have a picture, or has a picture with caps and sunglasses, or bad pictures, or dark, far away pictures, or pictures 20 years old. Men say they are “visual” and must see pics. They seem to believe that women are not visual!  A picture of a fish will suffice: or a car, motorcycle, or big house, or big something else.

HaveKids: A man in his 50’s-60’s having kids at home or on weekends is absolutely no problem, in fact it can be a positive thing. It might show that he is grounded, balanced by the demands of kids. But beware of a man who uses that as his profile title. The first sentence in his profile then looks something like this: “Yes I have kids at home (or every weekend) and I will not sacrifice that role and my time with them for a woman.” A “balanced” profile would say later, maybe at the end, that he has young children and that being a father is important, and he loves doing things with his kids, just so we will know. BUT the purpose of this profile and finding the love of your life is to attract a great woman, not to tell us how angry you are that some women just don’t understand, and that that is your first priority in writing this profile. The same goes for GoinFishin. If the first thing you want me know about you is that you love fishing, and that is your strong point, and your “woman” must know that up front, you are not going to attract me.

Another frequent dynamic in dating 50-60ish men is that many have done the 2nd, 3rd, 4th marriage thing with a young woman and now have young children. This is fine as long as they are good with this and are not angry or resentful because of this. This is fine also as long as they have learned how to be single dads. It is a juggling act, a balancing act. When married with children, the mother often handles all the logistics, phone calls, appointment setting of babysitters, figuring out how to go out on dates, setting everything up. The wife is often the man’s personal assistant. Linda dated a few guys who had kids on weekends. Obviously, this is when most of us date. The men had no idea how to date and have kids also. They had not learned how to get babysitters, or did not want to. Some had not developed the attitude that it is OK for adults with kids to go out at night; that occasionally you can and should go on adult weekends and hire a sitter for the weekend. The men feel that since they only have the kids on weekends, that they should spend every minute with the kids. These beliefs are unrealistic, and not healthy, if you are a man who believes in balance and finding a healthy mate. The men wanted the woman to go on outings with them and their kids, which is fine, but the couple also has to have real dates; or the man cannot go on vacations without his kids… A couple of guys who had their kids every weekend actually wanted to try to date her only on week nights, or the guys who had kids every other weekend, would only go out every other weekend. Having kids is more difficult, but these men must be willing to work very hard at finding balance, being realistic, learning how to get sitters, plan ahead, do what is right for his kids, and also what is right for a new date or potential partner. Dating requires thinking, planning, spending lots of time together, wanting to “attract” a person to you, going out on dates. It is not the fact that men have kids that scares us away. We like kids. It is the fact that men are not willing to figure out how to make it work, put effort into it, and show us that we are important too.

So Linda was still looking for a man truly kind, loving, fun, joyful, successful in life, happy, in touch with nature and this world, balanced, in touch with his soul, not a “me” person, not focused on ego, able and eager to leave his comfort zone and try new things without judging, not mentally ill. She was looking for love, real love, Now she was getting concerned that the pool was full of controlling fish, that did not swim well with the rest of the school; that wanted to swim with the rest of the pool only if they swam where he wanted to swim, follow him, eat the type of minnows he ate, stay out of his way and not swim in front of him. These fish stay in one part of the pool where it is safe. These fish are biting fish, that snap when they get mad, which is often. Linda needed to find a new pool, with fresh fish. They could be old fish, but they must be wonderful, positive, loving, joyful old fish. She was hoping they were not extinct.

 

What Women Want: more on foreplay

05 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , ,

What Women Want: more on foreplay

 

“…a runner’s high doesn’t come from thinking about the end result; to a runner so affected, the end result is assured. Instead, they think only of the moment, one step, one breath, and one heartbeat at a time.”

 

The last article talked about what women consider foreplay. We talked about focusing on the moments during the day, one moment, one breath, one heartbeat at a time, and creating and focusing on those moments, not the end result, even though the end result will be wonderful if the moments along the way, the journey, are wonderful. It’s also good not to overdefine, over focus on the end result: the orgasm; Especially for those of us over 50, reality is that orgasms sometimes lessen in frequency and intensity, although if couples focus on lots of loving during the day, the end pleasure is more likely, and more pleasurable. As we age we have to redefine and re-invent our intimacy and love-making. We have to be willing to evolve, and not get stuck in ways of doing things, and definitions, from when we were young. It actually can be LOTS of fun reinventing closeness and intimacy.

 

While dating over 50, Linda experienced men who were hung up on, stressed about, the inability to get erections, have orgasms frequently, as they did when they were young. So, the whole issue of touching a lot, kissing and hugging a lot, etc. became an uncomfortable situation when men thought they were expected to “have sex” again when a women got close, and lots of” touching” occurred.  Maybe the couple had already had sex in the morning, and Linda wanted to “get close” during the day. A man would say, “ Geez, you are wearing me out!”.  He thought he was supposed to “perform” every time she got close and intimate. Communication is so important for couples, as we all know. But communicating at this time is also so important. Linda should tell the man that she does not expect erections or orgasms every time she touches him intimately; that she just wants to play and be close; that she DOESN’T want intercourse or orgasms (reverse psychology); but that she does expect lots of closeness, touching and intimacy with her partner. This will free up her partner to touch and accept touch without getting uptight.

Also, we have talked about control issues a lot. If you are dating a controlling person, you will notice that they also want to control when, where, how sex happens. A control freak will not like it if you have ideas, suggestions for how to make your intimate life more fulfilling and wonderful. Remember, controllers think that when you have ideas, suggestions, you are trying to tell them what to do, or criticize the way they do things. They don’t like to try new things, because they are afraid of failure and making mistakes; don’t like to leave their comfort zone. If you notice this behavior, run.  Controllers are going to be miserable as they age because they are losing their skills, looks, charm, abilities in bed, etc., and they are not likely to develop new skills, attitudes…

Dating, or loving, at any age can be enhanced by lots of foreplay and brain play(thinking about) during the day. Maybe we all should have an understanding that touching and being close does not mean jumping in bed and climaxing must follow. The pleasure of the journey is having pleasure hormones spread all over your body, tingling, feeling, getting to “know” your partner, getting to know every inch of their body, getting to know all sorts of touch and pleasuring, learning to play, receive and give, and just feeling GOOD, without feeling you have to do anything in response or as a final achievement.