RELATIONSHIPS; WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDREN

What Women Want: Men who are able to feel, and enjoy being with a woman, alone

Again, here, we focus on middle age dating: the land of lots of divorced men and women, and lots of never married men. The questions that always arise are:  What caused your marriage to end?  Why have you never married?

After getting lots of vague and unbelievable answers, like, “We had not had sex in 10 years”, and after talking with lots of middle age women, I have concluded that many men just never learned how to be with a woman:  how to nurture a relationship with a woman, such as having fun with a woman, doing things that are not manly or kid oriented; how to be romantic and sexy, use “foreplay” daily, without the need for “sex”: affectionate and sexually playful; initiating lots of sitting close, hugging, kissing, touching  without the expectation of sex (in fact withholding sex after much such things can be wonderful); spending lots of quality time with your partner, including planning and executing “dates”  and play time; how to feel, be sensual, feel all your senses  and your surroundings, see and feel beauty and the wonderful qualities of your mate, and get into being in beautiful settings and around wonderful events: sunrises, sunsets, full moons, stars, beautiful trees, flowers…

Many middle age men are work-a-holics.  They enjoy their work, feel capable and skilled there. They say they are happy; But they need to also become relationship-a-holics if they want their relationship to thrive and prosper. Their partners are not happy. If men worked as hard at their relationships with women as they work “at work” , their relationships would not likely fail. They have been trained and have experience at “work”, but have not been trained or put forth any effort to learn about quality relationships with women.

Many of these men will say, “ I am fun.”  What does that mean?  His kids thought he was fun. His male friends think he is fun. But his wife did not think he was fun. They did not go out on “dates” alone, or on vacations alone. He did not plan fun alone with his wife on a regular basis, doing couple things, not just guy things such as sports… It takes being thoughtful and creative and planful and giving.

As middle age adults we have to be willing to rediscover and learn how to be alone with a partner; learn and discover new outings, new ways of having fun(playing) and exploring and getting to know our partners. We have to let go of our childhood and young adult ways of “having fun”: getting drunk, cruising for women, going to bars, sharing sob stories over a few drinks… and “days of parenting” ways of having fun, with the kids around, and discover one-on-one with the opposite sex as a middle aged person. We literally should reinvent ourselves at different stages of life, and let go of old attitudes:  “I don’t drink that because I got very sick once from it”,  “I don’t sit on the beach and roast” (his definition of the beach, from bad memories of sunburns, etc);  “I don’t go to bars ( bad memories of getting drunk, women, etc); “I have to be doing something when at the beach”: fishing, playing football or volleyball, playing with the kids… ; This man never learned how to be alone with a woman partner at the beach; Men say there’s nothing to do at the beach: no problems to solve, no planned activities; they like to do the same things they do at home on weekends.

There is a difference between a quality partner vs. a controlled partner .  Quality partners learn how to feel feelings, enjoy new experiences, new skills, leaving their comfort zone, appreciate beauty, the senses, how to have fun. The “I don’t want to sit out and roast on the beach” men need to learn how to have fun alone with a woman, invent new ways; let go of fishing, etc.  It is also attitudes:  “I don’t do that anymore;  I don’t like that;  I don’t try new ways; I prefer to do it as I have always done it”.

It means redefining your experiences and inventing wonderful new experiences: New activities/skills/experiences/feelings: “I don’t sit and roast on the beach” becomes: sitting under umbrellas in the fall/winter/spring alone with a wonderful woman and experiencing the beauty, sounds, feel of the breeze, sand, water, each other, with a tall, wonderful drink and conversation; get a condo/room ON the beach; watching the sunrise, sunset; the moon and stars “rise”, the constellations; going for long walks, holding hands, talking; reading and sharing the books; taking “naps” together(bring the Viagra); establish new traditions, rituals ( not from the old marriage, or with the kids, or from when you were young(unhealthy habits); massages; baths together, fixing wonderful grownup meals together, exploring tastes from the sea…

Marriages don’t die, great sex doesn’t die if partners put lots of focus on each other. Couples cannot concentrate only on children, but must focus and invest in quality time with their partners, alone. Men must learn how to be with women in a quality way. Middle age men must relearn how to be with women as a middle age person, letting go of old, bad experiences and attitudes of the young; letting go of how you were with kids around. Women don’t stop having sex because they want to. They stop having sex with a husband because he only shows interest in them when he wants sex. He does not nurture the relationship in the ways that a romantic relationship with a woman needs. If a man only touches me and nurtures me when he wants sex , I am going to feel neglected and un-sexy. I want to have sex with a man that is sexy, playful, fun (fun with a woman), respectful, encouraging, loving, giving, interesting, and puts a lot of effort into these things. I want to have sex with a man who is not boring when not in bed, and not boring in bed.

If you are dating a middle age man, you need to find out if the man is a quality partner in the above ways. The beach is just an example of a vacation/fun experience and a good test for lots of things.  Ask the man if he likes to vacation, when he last went on one, where he went, with whom, when he last went on a vacation alone with a romantic partner, what they did for fun, what “else” they did, the good parts, the bad parts. If he starts listing all the negatives, run. Ask him what he did (vacations/fun/dates) with his wife. Did they do it often? Did they go on lots of outings without the kids? (we don’t want to hear, “we couldn’t afford it”; couples must invest in alone/romantic times or they will lose their most precious investment); romantic outings do not have to cost a lot of money; it just takes an investment of time, creativity, eagerness, planning together.

Take him on a “vacation”, away from his home! This will tell you a lot!

What Women Want: men who can find and feel paradise with a woman

In the last article, we talked about the beach as an example of a place to find out if a man can be sensual, feel, and really be with a woman and with nature and beauty; to be fully in the moment and fully with a woman. If a man cannot relax and find wonder in being with a woman in paradise, then it is unlikely your every day romantic life will prosper. We have heard the phrase, “ the honeymoon’s over”. A couple goes on a honeymoon which is full of love, sex, being all over each other, enjoying each other, and then some of us go “home” and forget that life with each other is supposed to continue to be loving, sharing and enjoying one another, and going on “honeymoons”. When those things stop, the honeymoon truly is over.

So, for many men, the beach is not paradise. Linda was not sure these men had a “paradise”. They were not connected enough to life and living, loving, to themselves, to feel much of anything except negativity. They all seemed very good at complaining, judging, criticizing. They all liked to tell Linda what to do, and how to do things, and to give directions. So what is this thing where these men like to give directions, but will not take directions? They all seemed unhappy to Linda, though they said they were happy. There was no enthusiasm and joy in these men— no inner peace. They were unable to feel love and love others. You hear the suggestion to “stop and smell the roses”. So many men cannot or will not do this; In the same way they cannot go to the beach and feel and smell and listen and see the unbelievable beauty and oneness with the universe and nature. You cannot “do the beach” if you are hyperactive, if you cannot stop thinking, thinking, thinking, if you cannot slow down and pause. You cannot be open to the newness and wonders of the beach if your mind is polluted with past stories, past ways of “doing it” — if you are a closed person— if you fear newness— if you are driven by I must, I should—if you must have a “plan”, if you are unable to enjoy the now and shut out the past and future (fear and worry)—if you are a controller. All of these men did not understand when Linda wanted to end their “relationships”. They thought things were going well. Not!

People who cannot enjoy the beach have forgotten how to play and feel, hear, see beauty, smell, when they are around beauty and wonder; how to be still and focus. They usually are very good at “business” and achieving external power. They have lost internal power: the ability to know and “control” their soul, heart and senses. In the movie Pretty Woman, Edward is led by Vivian to take a day off from “business” and walk in the grass barefooted, to do simple things, eat simply, go to a diner, eat a hot dog, read a book to her in the park, talk (about things other than business), just while away the day, no plans, doing what you want to do next, having thoughts and feelings about what you want to do next…  He had forgotten how to do these things, and the importance of doing these things. He had moved into a grown up zone of staying in his comfort zone: work. He felt external power there, and talent. We, as adults, must be able to leave our comfort zones and learn and seek balance in our lives; not allow the child in us to be wiped away by values and visions of material things, power, prestige: external power.

Edward loved what he felt when he walked in the grass in bare feet. He went back the next day by himself to experience it again. He felt, reflected, remembered how it made him feel about Vivian; He felt things! He had forgotten how to notice when he was feeling the other types of happiness, or maybe what real happiness was. These thoughts and feelings brought him back to his childhood for the first time since he was an adult. He started remembering what brought him pleasure as a child. He remembered loving building blocks, building things, creating things, being creative. His job involved destroying and buying businesses; bringing pain to others. He was very rich and had lots of external power. But he was not “happy”. He now realized he needed to work on this. He decided to join with a business owner that he had wanted to destroy and build a stronger and better business rather than destroying the business and the man and his family. He also started thinking about the fact that he and his father did not get along and that he did not want to “do life” as his father did it. It takes conscious thought and action to change our paths; to get us out of “automatic” and our comfort zones. In the movie, Edward did that: changed his path, actions, thoughts, and stepped way out of his comfort zone.

As children, most of us know how to play and do it to the max, feel our feelings, have immense curiosity and joy when we discover new wonders, love our parents, love ourselves(without ego), love life. When a child sees a beautiful flower he wants to touch it, get closer, smell it…When a child sees the sea and the beach he runs with delight to feel the sand, put his feet in the water, jump in, swim, play, build sand castles, whereby you get sand all over you. Where along the way do we lose these needs, wants and abilities?   “Life” and negative people enter our lives. We are told by controlling, negative parents to “stop doing that”, “that is childish”, “you are going to get sand all over you and have to take another shower, you are going to get sunburned, you are going to get stung by a jellyfish”, “the castle is just going to get washed away; you put it too close to the water”, “hurry up, we have to go shopping”. We are told not to feel deep feelings (especially boys), not to express deep feelings, etc; to “act like a man”, whatever that means.  It is important to rediscover the child in us, if it is lost.

This same person when taken to the beach by a woman, a grown up, will, at first,  walk on the sand in bare feet and not feel it, not experience it. He may be thinking he needs to keep his sandals on so that he “does not feel the sand and its warmth”. Maybe the feel of the sand irritates him, as do many things.  Or maybe he is thinking about “something else” and just forgets to take his sandals off. He forgets to grab the hand of the woman he is with.  He will have to retrain his soul, his heart, to feel, to focus, to see beauty and get overwhelmed by it.  He has forgotten how to play. His mind is elsewhere: thinking about other things. He will feel no desire to dip his feet in the water to feel the temperature and the feel of waves on his legs, pushing him. He will walk on the beach, or sit on the beach, but not be aware of what is going on around him: the beauty, happenings (birds, fish, boats, dolphins, changing tides, clouds, waves crashing), the warmth of the sun penetrating his skin and soul. He is afraid of getting sunburned but refuses to put sun screen on. He will later complain all night because he is sunburned. He will go in the water but has forgotten how to play in it. He will walk and notice the expensive condos, wonder how much they cost, wish he had one; will sit on the beach thinking about how he can work harder so that he can “acquire” one.  He is not there to play, experience wonder, beauty, peace, his soul, his heart, relax. At night, he will cook and eat, maybe go out to eat, come back and watch football or something. He does not even think about the sunset, then the moon and stars and the sounds of the night on the beach.

            Our adult habits (control; constant thinking: about the past and future) cause us not to be able to focus on beauty, our 5 senses and our internal needs. For instance, it helps when sitting in front of nature to close your eyes so that you can train yourself to focus on sounds, smells, breathing. For those of us who are out of practice, trying to focus on all 5 senses can be overwhelming, and we go back to “thinking” and lose the beauty of all 5 senses. When we close our eyes, we then hear everything, smell the air, etc. Maybe our sense of sight is well trained and overtakes our other senses that we don’t focus on.  And so it is with all our senses, abilities; what is not trained and used, we lose. So it is with love, feelings, thoughts… awareness.  Doing the beach is a learned skill, as is doing life.  The simple things are also the most extraordinary, but only the wise can see them (Paulo Coelho).

Relationships “on the beach”

As we discussed in previous articles, dating is the time to “discover” your potential life partner, and that control is one indicator of bad things ahead.  We mentioned that one of the indicators of a controlling person is the need to stay in “their comfort zone”. This person was given messages as a child: it is not OK to make mistakes: they develop a fear of failure; so they do not usually try new things; They feel very “safe” in their home, sometimes at work, and doing things that they have always done and are good at. Also, controllers are taught not to feel; not to feel deep feelings and express them. They must be in control of themselves.  We looked at an example of a date on a beach vacation.

Of course “doing the beach” is just an example of being able to enjoy life in the moment; to be able to enjoy moments where you cannot control, judge, cause what is going to happen next; of being able to relax and not think, not think of the past, the future, what is happening at work; to let go of “I must”, “I should”, “I need to”…

Linda never realized until dating that there were so many people who are “asleep” at the beach…asleep in life. As Father Anthony de Mello said, ”Most  people, even though they don’t know it, are asleep…they never understand the loveliness and the beauty of this thing that we call human existence”.  http://www.ascensiongateway.com/quotes/anthony-de-mello/index.htm    She also realized lots of “grown-up” men have pronounced comfort zones, where they feel comfortable, and don’t like leaving those comfort zones— to reach out and try and experience new things, new feelings. These men say they like trying new things, but they don’t. They say lots of things in their dating profiles, which are not true. Some of these men actually are not lying on purpose. They use the verbage, ”love to try new things; love the beach, am a romantic ,etc” . They just don’t know what those things mean. It was rather amazing.

So, for many men, the beach is not paradise. Linda was not sure these men had a “paradise”. They were not connected enough to life and living, loving, to themselves, to feel much of anything except negativity. They all seemed very good at complaining, judging, criticizing. They all liked to tell Linda what to do, and how to do things, and to give directions. So what is this thing where these men like to give directions, but will not take directions? They all seemed unhappy to Linda, though they said they were happy. There was no enthusiasm and joy in these men— no inner peace. They were unable to feel love and love others. You hear the suggestion to “stop and smell the roses”. So many men cannot or will not do this; In the same way they cannot go to the beach and feel and smell and listen and see the unbelievable beauty and oneness with the universe and nature. You cannot “do the beach” if you are hyperactive, if you cannot stop thinking, thinking, thinking, if you cannot slow down and pause. You cannot be open to the newness and wonders of the beach if your mind is polluted with past stories, past ways of “doing it” — if you are a closed person— if you fear newness— if you are driven by I must, I should—if you must have a “plan”, if you are unable to enjoy the now and shut out the past and future (fear and worry)—if you are a controller. All of these men did not understand when Linda wanted to end their “relationships”. They thought things were going well. Not!

Part of “being with someone” is being able to enjoy your life together. To talk, to feel, to laugh, play, to enjoy romance, enjoy the world around us together, to enjoy intimacy often, not just when having sex. When dating, we should figure out if our partner not only enjoys his or her fun activities with friends, and by themselves, but also when with us.  Are we in touch with each other, with beauty, with couple fun, with “making love”; are we good at “letting go” and just enjoying one another?  Does your partner just “need” someone to be with on dates, for dinner, etc., or do they want  to be with YOU? Do they experience joy and happiness when with you? Are they open to experiencing you and learning about you and liking what they learn?

Control in relationships

In my previous article I introduced the issue of “control” in relationships.  I identified it as one of the most negative “conditions” that keeps quality relationships from developing and that destroys relationships. There is an epidemic of control in this society and we need to stem it. Not only do we need to be able to identify a potential partner that is controlling, but we also need to identify controlling tendencies in ourselves, become self-aware and learn new and better skills, attitudes, perceptions, behaviors, so that we can be happy and contribute to happiness in our relationships.  We need to know what our values are. Do we/our partners value power, control, being right, being the best at the expense of others, etc.?  Or do we value kindness, peace, fun, happiness, enjoying the “now”, etc.? We, as adults, have to consciously decide to be positive, notice positives, and speak positives with those we care about: be respectful and encouraging, and not try to control others.

As I mentioned, the dating months are a good time to identify positives and negatives.  Following is an example of control in a dating situation.

Sam was a man who professed to “love the beach”. Linda and Sam  went to the beach for 4 days. Linda quickly learned Sam could not do the beach without booze—lots of it. He could only sit still on the beach if he had a drink in his hand. He was a planner. He had planned all his “drinks” for the week and brought all the fixings. Before leaving to go out of town, he also planned what they would eat each day, at each meal and for appetizers. Most of the fixings he bought beforehand. Sam was a control freak. He wanted to control what Linda did, when she did it, how she did it, so that he could do what he wanted to do, when and how he wanted to do it. He told her when they would go down to the beach each day, how long they would stay, what they would bring, when and what lunch and dinner would be. He was a person who went to the beach as a child and young adult. He was raised on “doing activities” while at the beach: fishing, crabbing, kayaking, shopping, etc. So he also had not learned how to “enjoy the beach”. Whenever there was a pause in the day with Linda he would say, “OK, what now?” Pausing, just relaxing, just “being”, was not in his makeup. One day they needed to go to the grocery store for dinner. Sam had decided what the menu would be. They traveled the aisles with Sam saying, “We need this….” Linda would say, ”Let’s get this”. Sam would say no.

The final indicators came on the departure morning—time to pack. Sam decided to pack the ice chest with the vast amount of food and drinks left in the refrigerator. He got started. Linda could tell there was a “strict” way to pack his ice chest. About 5 minutes later he said, ”why don’t you come help!?”  She started placing things in the chest. Immediately he said, ”no, no, that goes here, that goes there; you have to do it right.” So Linda walked away so that Sam could do it according to his rules. Out at the huge SUV, Sam started putting stuff into the car. Linda started helping, putting her stuff in. Immediately Sam said,” No, that can’t go in yet. No that has to go there”. He took her things out, so she walked away and let Sam do it. He was very perturbed at Linda. He told her so. So she explained to him that he was a control freak and had been all week and had to have things his way and that they would not be compatible. She found him over the top weird. Those are things you uncover by spending 4 days with a person, especially on a “vacation”. In the mornings he would stand in the doorway of the bathroom while she got ready and tap his foot. She thought at first he was just enjoying watching her get ready, but soon realized it was his way of saying, “hurry up, I’m ready to go”.

Sam is controlling. We may tend, in the beginning of dating, to think that this person is trying to “take care of me”, do nice things for me. There is a huge difference. Controlling behavior is a syndrome made up of lots of behaviors, attitudes… Look back at the four indicators of control. Awareness is step one.

How to have encouragement in a relationship

Use encouragement with your partner. Learn to celebrate being with a female (or male). They are different from you, just as children are. Don’t try to make them like you, compare them to you. Examples of encouraging words: (what you value), you are: considerate, giving, kind, loving, affectionate, funny, a good friend, patient, a great help, fun to be with, you enjoyed that, thanks, you are good at…, worked so hard on that, brave, honest, tackled that problem, are a thinker. Remember, you will not be able to use encouragement if you are not involved in your partner’s (child’s) life: If you don’t do things together, share experiences, have fun together, have intellectual interests, (things in common); you won’t have things to talk about and share; if you are a man, don’t expect your partner to only do “male” things: watch sports, etc. Partners need to find  things to do together that is good for both of them. You have to have something to talk about with a woman and children besides sports.  As a couple, try doing “things” together around the house: chores, cooking, anything!  Everything is a lot more fun if done with a loved one.

One of the traits of controlling people is the tendency to do the “I want to do it myself, mommy” thing. They want to do everything “themselves”; because they do it better, and the way they want it done, the best way, better than you, quicker than you. They do not do “group” activities well. They do not do “couple” activities well. They do not do tasks “with” their children. When they want something done they either do it themselves (and get mad because no one else helped, or someone else did it poorly and they have to redo it correctly), or get a child (or partner) to do it. Then when the child (partner) has finished, they criticize and tell them how they should’ve done it. These controllers are stuck in the 2 year old stage. When they tried to exert themselves as 2 year olds, do things themselves, they were thwarted. Their parent was furious when they exerted themselves. This parent continued to do everything for the 2 year old because a 2 year old does not do things well. A controller cannot tolerate how a child does things: not up to par; not like I would do it. So this parent finds it “easier” and less time consuming, less stressful, to just do it themselves. “ It is better, quicker, easier done by me”. When this 2 year old did actually do things, was allowed to do things, he was criticized for not doing it well enough. They start getting the message, “I am not good enough. I don’t do anything well. I am a failure”.  This child continues to get these messages for the rest of their childhood years. When they become adults—parents and/or partners, are in relationships— they still need to show that they are valuable and “good enough”; still have a need to “do it myself mommy”; to control their situations. And their controlling parent has instilled in them that the only way to do things is perfectly; that what you value when you do things is perfection; doing it better than others. So good parenting with a 2 year old involves letting them “do it”!; and then encourage them;  encourage them to be proud of themselves, not expecting perfection, be positive and lose the negativity and  need to control and judge, AND developing a good relationship with an adult (romantic interest/spouse) involves the same things: be positive, lose the negativity, the need to judge and control, don’t expect them to do things as you do them, encourage and respect them and how they do things, and have lots of fun together.

So, when in a relationship with a controller, you will not find someone who enjoys cooking together (being playful while cooking; having great conversation, learning new skills, trying new recipes, messing up, food fights, messing up the kitchen, making a new concoction made up of both of your strengths and weaknesses…). You will find a person who wants to do it themselves, the way that they do it, or have you do it, and them either criticize it, not eat it, or turn their nose up at it, or offer ways to do it better. You will not find a person who enjoys “couple” activities. He needs to “be” with someone, in order not to be alone, but you will often feel as if you are “alone”, “lonely”, even when you are with him. He just does not know how to “be” with someone—how to connect emotionally, mentally, intellectually, playfully.

Use encouragement with yourself: encourage yourself when you are aware of your moods, attitudes, and thoughts, when you are thinking and saying positive things, when you feel joy. Think how happy you will be when you give up the need to control.

With children, it is the parent’s job to structure a child’s life so that they do things that they enjoy and are good at: have activities that they value. (males need to have something besides sports); controllers will set children up for failure: give them tasks that they know the child may not be good at; may not know how to do; and then correct them, criticize them. Controlling fathers enjoy getting their son into sports and then pushing them, criticizing them, comparing them, emphasizing winning (being the best) etc.  Boys must also be involved in activities where they can learn to value the other things listed above. I found that discipline (using consequences) does not work if a child does not have activities that they value, enjoy doing, and are good at; BECAUSE these are the things we take away, use as consequences, when disciplining. You cannot say to a teen, (as a consequence): “You cannot go walk the streets today”. They don’t care; it is not a consequence. Teens must have activities that they value. It is the parent’s job to make sure that they do.

Effective teachers, leaders, and managers don’t play the roles of “know-it-all”, judge, critic, psychologist, moralist: the know-it–all lectures, advises, and shows how superior they are, that they know the best way; the moralist says “you should do this…”; the judge says I am right and you are wrong; the critic criticizes and uses sarcasm and ridicule; the psychologist tries to fix everything: knows all the answers. Neither should parents, and people in relationships, play these roles. Parents are really teachers, leaders, managers in their homes.

Plug in all the above as ways to be with people in a relationship; learn to use encouragement; avoid criticism; focus on your partner’s strengths and assets. Be kind.  Know that there are other ways of doing things besides your way. Adults use punishment too: withdrawing love and affection. Adults need to, instead, use communication, consequences, and express feelings about things that affect them negatively: use “I” messages, (more later).

Relationship skills versus control

We want to break the cycle of controlling people. There are two ways. One is to parent in a positive, effective way. The other is to become aware of how to be a positive, happy person, how we were parented, and to re-parent ourselves. All of the following “parenting”  techniques/attitudes can also be used in adult romantic relationships, and with yourself.

A basic: The opposite of control is operating within choices and options. An effective parent (person) gives choices and options and teaches a child (themselves) to operate within those choices. They know that there is usually more than one way to do things. A parent of an older child/teen teaches problem solving/exploring alternatives/decision making ; teaches the child to think and decide on options; children of controllers do not learn to think and make decisions because the parent makes all the decisions, does all the “thinking”; gives orders and gives no choices/options. Controller: there is only one way: my way, and you will do it; In a relationship, be open to ideas, options with your partner. Explore options, Enjoy it. Let go of, “My way is the best way; she comes up with other ideas because she doesn’t like mine; she is challenging me”.

A basic: You may have heard (you may say), “you make me so mad”. (controllers are angry/mad a lot); It is very important that you know that no one, nothing, can “make” you mad. Someone does or says something; you perceive it negatively: you “get” mad. You choose to be mad. We choose to perceive things negatively. Controllers perceive LOTS of things/people negatively. They are negative people, looking for something to criticize. Children of a controller soon develop a need to have power over you (the controller), because they see that you value power, so they learn to value power also. One way to feel powerful as a child is to “make a parent mad”. They have made you mad. They have power over you. So if you are a controller this behavior will show up in your child: they will value controlling you also (misbehaving to get power over you). So, in a discipline situation, it is actually ineffective to “get mad” at a child (yell, etc); It accomplishes nothing. If it is done a lot, the child learns that they can “make you mad”; control you. The most effective thing to do in a discipline situation is to use calm communication and consequences (more later). We must learn to act thoughtfully in situations; not react;  As adults,  we choose to either be calm and communicative, or to “get mad”, yell, lose control, (with children and with partners).

Encouragement is one of the most effective tools we can learn to use in relationships. We want to use encouragement instead of rewards and praise. Using praise and punishment builds a child who does not have a strong conscience (inner-control). Your controlling parent is your conscience. They praise you when you do well: “You are only good when I say so” . Praise is reserved for things well done, the best etc. (judged according to you). It is vague and unspecific “Good!  Great job!”  Encouragement is very specific. With praise children may come to believe that their worth depends upon your opinion.  Encouragement is used for strengths, assets, effort, qualities, attitudes, improvement, trying hard, goodness, kindness, contribution, joy, having fun, sharing, caring, learned a lot, learning a new skill, creativity, patience. Things that we can encourage (in children and in ourselves) are: the ability to control anxiety, motivate ourselves, be persistent.  Encouragement teaches values and what’s important. Encouragement motivates a child to want to do better. Praise teaches a child to try to get the parents approval. “I did not feel good about my work until someone told me I was doing good”. So controlled children fish for praise, “Did I do good?”  A child needs to be able to tell himself that he did well, was responsible.  Rewards teach a child to say “what’s in it for me?” not, “what makes me feel good and makes me worthwhile.” Reinforce positives by rewarding with non-material incentives: a celebration, an outing with the family, friends. Do not reward with food. As adults we then reward and punish ourselves with food .  Material things are easy to see and value. Non-material concepts and values are not easy to “see”; they are felt: love, kindness, happiness….The child needs to feel good about themselves, inside, not be dependent upon the parent’s ( or other’s) approval. Then the child develops self-talk:  “ I am competent; I am doing well…”.  A controlling parent gives praise only for things extremely well done (or done to their standards). Otherwise, the child gets lots of criticism while doing tasks. A child needs to develop their own standards. A controller tends to give praise with one hand and take it away with the other:  “That was good BUT…… (this is what you did wrong)”.

Be a “good-finder” in people. Find the good in people/children, and in yourself. Controllers find the “bad”, mistakes, faults in people and in beauty. This evolves back to attitude and perceptions: seeing the beauty and positives in people and things.  Positive people find positives and the good in you, in the world. If you were raised by negative parents, it takes a lot of focus, work, and awareness to change your focus to positives. During your day,  when with people: children, adults, partners,  make sure you speak, feel more positives with those people than negatives.  In the beginning, it is good to actually count how many times you say something negative, and how many times you feel/say something positive. With dates/partners notice how many times your “love” says negatives versus positives to you, about you, about others, about the world, during the day.

Quality relationships: where they come from

In past articles we have been talking about connecting with potential partners and partners and the dynamics of control in a relationship. So where does a controlling person come from? They come from their parents; how they were parented. When we talk about relationships, we should talk about all close relationships, including parenting. This is where we learn how to form relationships and what relationships look like. So as we talk about romantic relationships, keep in mind that all close relationships need the same things, (the positive things we talked about in past articles).

There is a huge number of people in their 40’s, 50’s, 60’s who are control freaks, and are unhappy, and unsuccessful in relationships—both adult relationships and in parenting relationships. It is in my view an epidemic and one which needs to be curtailed. It is passed from generation to generation by parents. The easiest way to break this epidemic is to learn effective, positive parenting, but if you are past that stage and are having trouble with relationships, due to control and negativity, you can re-parent yourself by learning how to let go of negative parenting (how you were parented), and re-learn how to develop relationships and love yourself. We now know that the old way of parenting: dictatorial, negative, controlling, was not effective in producing happy, successful adults, who were/are successful in relationships. Also, this discussion will help you to identify controlling people .

As we discuss effective, positive parenting, just plug in your parents. You will realize that you either had quality parenting, or not. Awareness is step one. Then you just start using the skills, attitudes, qualities in your relationships, and with yourself: be kind to yourself. All of these parenting tips are simply good relationship skills, good management skills. Remember that control characteristics occur on a continuum: You, or a potential partner, may have very few, or no, controlling tendencies. Or you may be only moderately controlling. However, the pointers and self awareness tips in this article, and future articles, are simply positive living and loving tips that can be helpful to everyone. Take what you need and leave the rest. That is really what we should do in any situation with people, books, news shows: take what is helpful and leave the rest. It is always good to hear “other points of view”, other ideas, to expand one’s horizons. Only a controlling person is unable or unwilling to listen to, read what others have to say. Listening to all points of view is one way we tend to move to “the center”, be balanced.

So how do you know if your parents were positive/effective parents? If you ask people in counseling if they think their parents did a good job, most will say “yes”. Here are some questions to ask yourself:  the goals of parenting are to raise happy, successful people. So you can ask yourself,  “do I have the following qualities for success and happiness?” :  (does my potential partner have these qualities?):  honesty, positive mental attitude, loving, dependable, committed, persistent, loyal, responsible,  a “good-finder”, have wisdom, a good listener, thoughtful;  or as Daniel Goleman states in , Emotional Intelligence,  http://danielgoleman.info/topics/emotional-intelligence/  , do you have these qualities: optimism, hope, ability to control anxiety, motivate oneself, persist in the face of frustration, regulate one’s moods, ability to control impulse, to empathize?

Future articles will discuss how to re-parent yourself to have these qualities, (and continue to identify and stay away from super control freaks). Remember, you were a child when you were parented. Your qualities, skills, behaviors, attitudes, beliefs, values, perceptions, expectations were shaped when you were an immature child. When we become adults it is our job to re-examine, re-think all these things with our adult minds, abilities, desire and wisdom. That is how we become wise. You will discover that if your parent(s) were controlling, you will need to rethink many things, and learn new attitudes, skills, ways of being with people. We should never just say, “ well, that’s how I was raised, so I will do it that way”,  or  think necessarily that the way our parents did it is a quality way. We should always be open to improvement, as adults; learning new things. Controllers are not open to learning, learning new ways; they think they already have all the answers. “You do not need to tell me that. I already knew that. Don’t tell me what to do. Don’t try to change me!”