04 Mar 2016 Leave a comment

In my book, http://www.amazon.com/FLIP-SIDE-BEAUTY-BEAST-journey-ebook/dp/B00OEXSN2Q/ref=la_B00O0DZHI8_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1415926609&sr=1-1  , The Flip Side of Beauty and the Beast, I discuss the reality of coming across men, when we are over 50, who are “beauties” on the outside, but beasts on the inside: liars, cheaters, manipulators, mean, narcissistic, control freaks, shallow, mindless, …  The flip side involves hoping for a man, a companion, who is not necessarily a beauty on the outside, but is kind, loving, respectful, encouraging, intelligent and has emotional intelligence: ability to control their emotions, words, actions, anxiety (mindfulness); persist in the face of frustration, regulate his moods, control impulse, and to empathize… is good on the inside; A man who knows right and wrong, and has positive values, beliefs and attitudes, believes in empathy and compassion, is wise. We no longer are attracted to the “bad” guy, because we have been there,  done that, and know better. We are wise. But sometimes, these beasts also are experts at lying and manipulating and hiding their true selves, until they hook you.

The book also ties all of this in closely with how we were parented. Quality parenting produces men with the above traits usually. All relationships, romantic and parenting are related as that is how we get our behaviors, values, beliefs, attitudes, words, actions. Good parenting usually leads to good future relationships. When men are raised by men who are beasts: mean, dictatorial, distant, non-communicative regarding the above traits, and about life, the men often become the same way. Bad men beget bad men. But we can learn to become “good”.  It takes a lot of work.

All of this comes flooding back to me as I watch the 2020 elections unfolding. The image of male beasts is raising its scary head: monsters. The Republican candidate is pretty scary. It reminds me of Sendak’s book, Where the Wild Things Are. “Let the wild rumpus start!”  “…and the wild things roared their terrible roars, gnashed their terrible teeth, rolled their terrible eyes, and showed their terrible claws.”  And I am the king of all wild things saying, “be still!”  But then I wake up and realize it is real!

As a woman, I am also very interested in finding a president who possesses most of the above positive traits. I will not vote for a beast, nice looking on the outside, but bad on the inside. I am also looking for a mature, over 50, wise, intelligent, studious proven leader for a president. I stay away from greedy, ruthless, racist, sexist, fascistic, bullying. As a woman, I have to study the history of women and children in America, and how we developed our rights and protections.  I am aware that it was misogynistic men who rallied against giving women the right to vote, hold office, the right to own property, taking away a man’s right to own his wife and children and giving a mother rights regarding the children she gave birth to; workplace laws and protections, abuse laws,etc. I am aware that the Republican party is rife with misogynistic men who do not want any more rights, advances for women, don’t like strong, smart women, and don’t want women in politics; certainly not as President .Certain men are not going to give up control and power, certainly not to women.  I have listened to men call women sexist names. I have heard Republican men say that a woman should not be president. They hate Hillary because of these things. They hate Obama because he is black. They hate both of them because they are “liberals”. Those are the reasons they vote for candidates; not because of the above positive traits. This is the way that these men communicate that “my race, sex is better, stronger”.  They are haters, beasts, with no traits that qualify them to be President.

I have very strong beliefs about what makes a great president, and about what this country needs now. I have watched in disbelief as these men have, over the past eight years, hated, obstructed, read fairy tales, not showed up to vote, with no ideas or movements towards making this country as great as it should be; to keep it from falling apart, no movement towards solving our major problems; just creating hate and division.

All of this revolves around relationships, how we were raised, our positive traits, skills, intelligence, values, beliefs, and attitudes: beliefs in people, the basic goodness of people, developing relationships, even with those we disagree with, valuing dialogue and respect, dignity, statesmanship, valuing learning, studying, debate.

How can a leader develop productive relationships with world leaders if they can’t even develop relationships with American leaders?  How can you propose to be an American leader, the ultimate leader, if you have been a negative, devisive, egotistical, no-show elected person in the past?

My book talks about what women want: in relationships, from men they parent with, to produce in our children, especially boys. We want much the same from our leaders. It also talks about what women don’t want in relationships: control freaks, tempers, lying and cheating …

Lastly, we should all learn how to raise boys to men, who have the above positive traits and values, so that we can have more quality people running for office, and have voters who value  learning, discussing, respecting people’s opinions, being respectful, courteous, and re-examining their values, beliefs, heritage, after they reach adulthood;  and participating in the rights and privileges and responsibilities of being a citizen. Our young people need to feel responsible for doing these things. Parents must be responsible for their words, actions in front of their children; are they modeling  positive traits and responsibilities? If all you do is sit around criticizing, hating, spurting venom, laughing at people not like you, you are not responsible. If we teach separatism, regionalism, me-ism and don’t expose our children to people not like them, we are lacking. This can be done by traveling, or by reading with them, discussing with them, documentaries, videos…

Our relationships can be rewarding and character building, always with positives, struggles, unpleasant discussions done respectfully. The positives and the negatives are necessary to building strong, resilient people, as long as discussions are respectful and productive.  We need to break the cycle now, of  building people without intelligence, emotional intelligence, positive traits, great values, beliefs, mental and emotional health, and resilience, It is passed down from generation to generation. My book aims at helping people to read, study, and think about how all of this is closely related. It starts with our parenting, and then moves into our adult years where we become mindful, caring, loving adults, leaders, partners, parents. It is a cycle. We must break the cycle of raising men who are mean, dictatorial, focused on “me”, egotistical, power hungry, greedy, who believe they are better than others, control freaks, believe their sex and race are “better”, and others are “bad” or unworthy; irresponsible in their words and actions, have a sense of entitlement, believe in violence in relationships and with people. We want to be with people, and have leaders and young adults who are good inside.

You can break negative cycles by learning and exhibiting effective, positive parenting. Also by voting your conscience, values, beliefs after you examine them. And by not voting in a way that will build upon hate, racism, sexism, regionalism, separatism, or because your friends vote that way. That is how Hitler rose to power.  Don’t vote if you are not clear on what you believe and what this country needs to become great. Don’t vote straight party, because they belong to your “party”. It is irresponsible. Don’t vote if you think this is all hilarious, not important, your vote doesn’t count, or have become cynical. Don’t vote if you don’t have a lot of positive traits and beliefs, optimism. positive words. Don’t vote for someone who is “the lesser of two evils”. We can do better than that!

You can break the cycle by having respectful, important discussions with your partner regarding these elections. Discuss your values and beliefs and hopes for the future, and the future for your children and grandchildren, for America, and the world. Are you sexist? Do you believe only certain sexes and races should be President? Do you have prejudices?  This is how people and relationships thrive and grow. And disagreements are OK! Respectful, open dialogue, and open minds, hearts, souls… we owe it to each other, and to this country.

 

Link by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW

Why do we work hard at getting relationships, and then stop?

19 Oct 2014 2 Comments

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Parenting, Relationships Tags: , ,

Why do we work hard at getting relationships, and then stop?

 

Many of us work hard at finding love: a romantic partner; or we think we really want children, and some of us work very hard at getting pregnant. Some of us get pregnant without thinking at all: thinking about the meaning of it all, the importance of it all.

Then we often don’t know what to do once we have those relationships. Why would we work so hard at getting something, and then just stop trying?  We think those things will lead to happiness, or we think that’s what we are supposed to do. We don’t realize we have to keep working hard and wanting “it”—and pursuing love. We have to know how to do it, how to do them. We have to realize we are working on love – developing and sustaining love. It’s important.

We think someone else is going to make us happy. That is the wrong mindset. Relationships are going to be successful and meaningful only when we invest in them and work on them. We want to find meaning and purpose in life. Relationships can help to provide that. Then when we find meaning and purpose, contribute to life, living, and love, we will find happiness.

So, each day we can contribute in a meaningful way, in a loving way, to relationships. We can learn, each day, how to do this, by reading, listening, and talking with our partners and children. Why do some people find it difficult to say, “I love you”, to show love? Why is it easy to be negative, controlling, critical, irritable, talk about problems, but not to show love and caring?  It is often because we were raised by negative, controlling parents. So we have to let go of that and relearn how to do it. We first have to develop the attitude that it is simply not OK to be negative. We want to be positive and loving.

Possibly also, our parents raised us to be “me” people. When in relationships, we cannot be me, me, me. We have to be we, and me and you. I want to be fulfilled by this relationship, and I want you to be fulfilled by this relationship. My actions and words will show this. When parenting, I want to be fulfilled in my parenting role, and I want you to be fulfilled as a growing and developing person. I want you to feel loved, and thus become loving.

During our days we have to be aware of whether we sit with our loved ones and always discuss negatives: negative feelings: anger, fear, frustration, etc., problems, air grievances, and how much we discuss positives, gratitude, love, encouragement, and have fun. It is a good thing, maybe once a week, to discuss the problems and negative feelings, with a partner, but most of our time should be spent discussing positives, and touching base on how our relationship is going, and how we can strengthen it; what can we do today that is loving, fun, and that will help the other person to feel fulfilled and less stressed.

With children, and partners, our days should mainly consist of positives, and quality conversations, not with negatives. We have to ask ourselves why we are so obsessed with talking about problems and negatives. If we lived in negative, and turmoil ridden homes, we probably think that is how people interact; that is how people show that they are better than you, smarter than you. Those people thrive on negative, turmoil, problems, tearing people down. They simply never learned how to build people up, contribute and love. They never learned how to converse and have great conversations; how to be interesting, and interested. They create problems so that they can try to solve them. That is how they feel alive and the “best”. They value being better and more powerful than you. They value being right.  Great relationships are not about being right and wrong. There is usually no “right”. There are always options and choices.

So, this is not rocket science. It is simply a mindset, a skillset, and realizing your childhood was not done in a quality way, and that you want to do it better; not perfectly, but better; and that you will work hard at it; that you will work hard with your partner and child. It is a “we” thing. It is a love thing. When  I work hard to get into a relationship, I will continue to work hard to sustain it and make it great. I want to be fulfilled, and I want you to be fulfilled.

We also want to find a quality partner, know what we should be looking for, and not just fall into a relationship. Keep in mind that having a great partner will help to fulfill you in the love department, but will also make parenting very fulfilling and effective. Its important!

Please see more on these topics in my new book,  THE FLIP SIDE OF BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: A Journey Through Life and Love; The Most Important Book on Parenting and Relationships, at Amazon.

 

 

Relationships: Controlling people

21 Sep 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags:

Being a Controller

Past articles have discussed the issue of control. Control in relationships causes them to fail often. Here is another example of a controlling person. They go through life trying to control others, and trying to control their environment; trying to control everything. They think that by controlling everything they will be happy. They are not happy.

Most days I walk in the beautiful park. There is a wonderful walking/biking trail. Walking on one side; biking on the other. Most days when I walk, there is a man biking, full speed ahead. I noticed that he rides as close to the center dividing line as possible, going very fast. So, he is close to the walkers on the other side of the line. I walk close to the center line because it is level and keeps my feet and legs from getting cramps from walking on sloping pavement. He rides close to the center line because he wants walkers to move over and not walk close to the line. He wants to control where everyone walks and rides.

One day I was walking and I heard, “coming up on your right”. He was whizzing by as close to me as he could get. He had 10 feet of path to ride on, but wanted to ride close to the line on the left. I noticed up ahead, he was saying that to all walkers, and getting close to them as he passed. Then, this continued every day. He also, at times, would look back at me with a scowl on his face. Most days, he would pass me several times, as he went several rotations around the trail. He clearly wanted walkers to walk on the far left so that he could have, “lots of room”.

So I started thinking about this man. There I was, doing this walk for the wonder of walking in this beautiful place, with nature, and the pleasure of walking out side with the sun on my skin, and viewing this beautiful park and people enjoying it. But he was not, “enjoying it”. He wants to control his ride, and where other people walk. He gets pleasure out of making rules, following them, and trying to make sure others follow them. It is a lot like road rage, except his rage carries onto the park walking path- his rage, I am sure, carries into most of his life experiences.

I walk, looking all around me at all the gorgeous sights, including up at the sky. He rides looking straight ahead, going very fast, and getting irritated if someone gets in his way, or causes his rules problems. I walk concentrating on breathing, seeing, feeling, smelling, hearing. He rides concentrating on control. Again a controller :

1) Is a negative person; Wants to control others; judge them, criticize them; give them advice, order them around; tell them what to do; when, where, how to do it; argues a lot; is often irritated, irritable(anger, anxiety)(anger: yelling, raging); has their own definitions of right and wrong ; “my way or the highway” attitude; there is only one way to do things: my way; wants you to do what they want to do; eat what they eat, etc.; then you must give them praise for their ideas, how they do things: they are constantly fishing for praise; perceives things and people negatively; is a very serious person (intense), looks for mistakes; These are the modes of their communication with others. They don’t really know how to carry on a “real” conversation: pleasant, fun, interesting. They instead argue your points, criticize you and others, criticize everything around them, judge you, others, and things going on around you, tell you how to do things, how to think, etc.
2) Doesn’t want to be controlled, told what to do; perceives ideas and recommendations as telling them what to do, or criticizing or challenging their ideas; when you have ideas they see you as thinking you are smarter, have better ideas than them; can’t apologize; can’t admit mistakes; if you take them somewhere (it was your idea), they are not going to enjoy it (passive aggressive), not say anything positive about it, challenge you when you say something positive; criticize where you are and the activity you have drawn them into.
3) Is not in “control” of themselves: of their actions, attitudes, words, thoughts, perceptions (mostly negative); their lives are often out of control: jobs, relationships; can’t handle frustration; lack of patience; so they try to control their immediate environment: house, loved ones; they value turmoil (so they can use their advice skills, obtain power, and get attention); are ego-oriented: have a need for approval; never feel they are good enough(due to how they were parented); controllers are actually out of control;

I feel empathy for this man. He is going through life missing out on beauty, peace, and the ability to love and be peacefully with other people. He is unaware, has no self-awareness, and is unable to live wonderfully in the “now”. Other people pass and smile, or say “good morning”; not him. He wants to focus on himself and his rights and needs. You irritate him. He has no heart and soul. He is a beast; a zombie.

Loving a wife

11 Aug 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships

Loving a wife

Do you often correct me, tell me what to do, get perturbed with me because I am not doing things like you want me to do them? Do you often find fault with me, criticize me? Do you think your way is the right way? Do you argue, disagree with me a lot? Then I should leave you.

Do you often tell me what you like about me, think about me in a positive way? ; encourage me and my strengths? ;want me to be fulfilled as a person? Love me and show it and say it? Appreciate me, respect me, show affection often, play with me, accept me as I am? Then I would like to stay with you.

Most adults wish to learn how to live life to its fullest, and to love. But we have to think about this, and know what we mean by “living life to its fullest”, and “loving”; we have to define these “things”. Some adults never think about these things, or define them, or strive towards them in a meaningful way. Many adults just go into automatic, just doing it like their parents did(mindlessly), or just drifting through each day, only concentrating on work, and then relaxing and eating when they get home. Weekends are the same, for the most part, sinking into our comfort zones, our routines, doing what we “like”, what we have always done. For some of us who are single, we fill our weekends with “going out”, social events, etc., and for men: sports, yard work, fixing things, exercise. If we have children, we fill our weekends with parenting, trying to squeeze in some time for ourselves. “Living” often becomes concentrating on making enough money to “live” on comfortably, or spending money, buying “things”.

We need to think more about living life to its fullest, and love: how to live each day as a fuller person; as a happier person. We need to do things, each day, that we enjoy, that fulfills us, that brings us joy, that shows that we value learning and growing and experiencing, apart from parenting routines or our job. One way to do this is to concentrate on our relationships, nurturing our relationships, and love; to become mindful each day of nurturing relationships and love.

A majority of marriage relationships(romantic) fail these days. We need to know what success and failure in a marriage means. Too many parent/child relationships deteriorate into poor quality ones, and do not produce “successful” young people. Why “waste” your days and years with a spouse, or parenting if you are just going to let those relationships wither on the vine? Why enter a marriage if you don’t want to work on it and nurture it fully? Why become a parent if you don’t want to learn how to do it and do it well?

You may ask a young person, “what do you want to do with your life?” They might mention a possible career, etc. They may say, “get married and have children”. We want them to know why they want to do this; what they value; what being married successfully and parenting successfully mean. What having a great marriage and great kids looks like, and how to get there. No one should get married until they know their own heart, mind, soul, values, beliefs pretty well(know thyself), and have discussed them with their potential mate; that they are compatible; not perfectly equal, but compatible. They have to value contributing to the happiness, fulfillment, and growth of another person; giving(not things). If they want to parent, they also have to value contributing to the happiness, fulfillment and growth of a small, immature person, and a big, immature person. They have to know how to be respectful, learnful, encouraging, loving, and fun, and how to grow as the child/teen, relationship grows. They must develop great patience, love, strength, self-discipline, and responsibility regarding relationships. They can no longer be “me” people. They must become “we” people. No one should get married unless they are deeply in love, with real love, not puppy dog love. No one should get married or have children just because “that’s the next step”; or because, “that’s what I am supposed to do”. No one should get married because of fear: fear of being “alone”, etc.

You should get married if you are deeply in love with that person. You enjoy being with them, admire them, respect them, want to see them happy and joyful, and know how to help to make that happen. You think about them often and think about how important your relationship is to you.

Being an Effective Father (Parent): Building an Effective Relationship

14 Jun 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: ,

Being an Effective Father (Parent): Building an Effective Relationship

 

Too many young men are floundering in this society. One way to prevent this is to focus on effective “fathering”. We often talk about “parenting”, but often this topic revolves around “mothering”. I believe we need to talk a lot more about effective “fathering”.

We should have goals for parenting. We want to build self-disciplined and responsible, successful young men; success in career, health(including emotional intelligence), happiness, living a family life (family engineering and planning; independent living skills),  spirituality(positive outlook on life; resilience), and relationships. We want to do this in a way that also builds a strong relationship between ourselves and our sons. So, we need to learn how to do this. We need to know that being dictatorial, “tough”, negative, controlling, unloving, is not the way to do this.

As director of The Parenting Center, and throughout my life, I have seen so many young men floundering, not doing well. I believe that the main reason for these cases that I have seen is ineffective, negative, controlling fathers. Also, many of these young men do not have good relationships with their fathers.  A short phrase for this is “dictatorial parenting”. If I had to encourage men on how to build successful sons, in a short description, it would be to examine how they were fathered, and then read articles/books on successful, positive, active parenting; compare the two and relearn how to do it effectively, if they see that the way they were fathered was not so great. They will also have to “re-parent” themselves along the way. We cannot study effectiveness if we do not read methods of parenting. If we are not exposed to options, given a “tool box” of methods, we will fall back on how we were parented. We need lots of effective tools in our box. I would also encourage men to examine “attitudes” regarding “how to be a man”, “how to build a man”. The old paranoia regarding being “manly”, fearing being unmanly, ego controls regarding being “a man”, have hopefully fallen by the wayside. Dictatorial, cold, negative, non-active, controlling, does not work.

Also, fathers need to model a great romantic relationship with their wives, for their sons: respectful, loving, encouraging, fun, and wanting their wives to be fulfilled as people.

Basically, effective parenting is the same for males and females. If, for instance, a man defines manhood by being good at sports, and teaches, focuses on, and pushes this on his son(or daughter), to the exclusion of other more important things, like valuing an education, being intelligent, and the things listed in goals above, this is not good. If  this is the only thing the father and son talk about and do together, this is not good. Truly, finding balance in life, is a good thing. Examining ego issues of the father is good too. Is it you, the father that wants a sports star for a son, or is it the son that wants to do this? Is that how you define success for a boy?; succeeding at sports? Are you giving him the message that that is how to be a man? Messages, attitudes are very important. If your son gets to 17 and you and him have been focusing on sports to the detriment of everything else, including excelling at his education,  it is very likely that he will struggle in life, unless he is in the 1% that does well in professional sports. But as we know now, even those folks need all the other life skills and strengths, to truly succeed in all areas of life and living, and to have something to fall back on later, when their sports careers fade. They need to have that strong foundation, built by their parents.  Do you have a need to define being a great father, winning at fathering, as building a great sports star? That is ego driving you, not wisdom and love. Do you only talk about and focus on sports because that is all you know?; That is what you are/were good at?; That is your comfort zone? When we become parents we have to leave our comfort zones and grow and learn how to do something we have never done before, and how to do it well.

Boys need to learn to discuss and care about things other than sports and “male things”. They need to know what they value other than sports heroes, sports, male things.  They value things(people) other than winning, being the best, being better than others, themselves, money, material things, “I want it now”, being right. Sons of controllers do not learn to value conversation. Their fathers are quiet except when negative communication is needed : to correct, scold, or when talking about sports. Communication for these boys becomes being “talked at”, talked over, yelled at, and criticized.

One goal, as mentioned, should be to be self-disciplined and responsible (not controlled or controlling), and for our children to be self-disciplined and responsible. Our parents build either a self-disciplined child or a “controlled” child (actually out of control), who is only in control, “disciplined”, when around authority figures. Controlled people tend to sneak around, lie, and manipulate. Controlled children usually “cut loose” when they leave home and are no longer under the controllers’ control. They are not self-disciplined. Many “controlled” children flounder for many years when they leave home.  Our reaction to our children’s behavior determines whether it stays or goes: our behavior has to change too.

Again, effective parenting means raising self-disciplined, responsible children who can go off on their own and be successful and happy: successful in their career (if they choose one) and in relationships. It involves knowing the tools to discipline, communicate, encourage, love, etc.  Some parents think the way to parent is to “model” proper behavior, and that it will “rub off” on their kids; won’t happen! Raising “nice, polite” kids is nice, but NOT enough. If all you do is sit around and “model” behavior you have missed the boat. Then when your child’s behavior is out of control, you will punish. This will not work. That is called passive, lazy, uninvolved parenting; and it does not work. Parenting has to be active, informed, positive, effective, and teaching children life skills, values, etc.  Modeling is a small part of parenting. The more tools and knowledge you have in your skillset the easier parenting is. Knowledge also helps you to relax and not be stressed out. Reading books on parenting is something all parents should do.

Controlling parents sit around and exercise lazy, passive parenting: dictatorial. “You will do as I say”; (the only problem is they usually forget to tell the child the rules). They usually don’t “lay down the rules” until the child has done something wrong.  They do assume that the child will watch them and do as they do. The problem is, the child sees them being passive, negative, ordering the mother around, ordering them around, yelling, correcting everyone, criticizing everyone, arguing, etc. The child learns these behaviors also.

Effective teachers, leaders, and managers don’t play the roles of “know-it-all”, judge, critic, psychologist, moralist: the know-it-all lectures, advises, and shows how superior they are, that they know the best way; the moralist says “you should do this…”; the judge says I am right and you are wrong; the critic criticizes and uses sarcasm and ridicule; the psychologist tries to fix everything: knows all the answers. Neither should parents, and people in relationships, play these roles. Parents are really teachers, leaders, managers in their homes.

Again, the main dynamics of control are:  A person who is controlling:  (his parent had the same traits):

1) Is a negative person; Wants to control others; judge them, criticize them; give them advice, order them around; tell them what to do; when, where, how to do it; argues a lot; is often irritated, irritable(anger, anxiety)(anger: yelling, raging); has their own definitions of right and wrong ; “my way or the highway” attitude; there is only one way to do things: my way; wants you to do what they want to do; eat what they eat, etc.; then you must give them praise for their ideas, how they do things: they are constantly fishing for praise; perceives things and people negatively; is a very serious person (intense), looks for mistakes;  These are the modes of their communication with others. They don’t really know how to carry on a “real” conversation: pleasant, fun, interesting. They instead argue your points, criticize you and others, criticize everything around them, judge you, others, and things going on around you, tell you how to do things, how to think, etc.

2) Doesn’t want to be controlled, told what to do; perceives ideas and recommendations as telling them what to do, or criticizing or challenging their ideas; when you have ideas they see you as thinking you are smarter, have better ideas than them; can’t apologize; can’t admit mistakes. Dictatorial fathers do not allow you to disagree with them, or challenge them.

3) Is not in “control” of themselves: of their actions, attitudes, words, thoughts, perceptions (mostly negative); their lives are often out of control: jobs, relationships; can’t handle frustration; lack of patience; so they try to control their immediate environment: children; they value turmoil (so they can use their advice skills, obtain power, and get attention); are ego-oriented: have a need for approval; never feel they are good enough(due to how they were parented); controllers are actually out of control;

The opposites of being controlling: An effective father will try:

1) Operating within choices and options; using problem-solving, exploring alternatives, communication, decision making skills when there are problems, issues, decisions to be made. Learn to act and not react. Effective fathers use these methods: offer their sons choices and options and allow them to operate within those options. They allow them to try, and to fail, and then pick themselves up and try a different option. Sons develop the courage to be imperfect.

2) Being able to regulate your attitudes, moods, negative perceptions, anxiety, frustration, (self-awareness and good stress management); and teaching this to your son.

3) Being optimistic and positive rather than negative. A positive person will use positive words with a partner or child during a day; a lot more than they say negative things, and teaching this to your son.

4) Being encouraging, kind, compassionate, and respectful to others and to yourself. No yelling, hitting; no punishing others and yourself, and teaching this to your son.

5) Knowing how to have real fun (not just competitive pleasure); find the child in yourself and play with others. Explore new fun, new experiences. Find joy in simple things. Be able to see, feel nature’s beauty and peace; Able to step out of one’s box.

6) Knowing peace; knowing happiness.

7) Being self-disciplined and responsible, but not hard on oneself and others when mistakes are made. Finds balance.

8) Being able to feel feelings, even negative ones; know it, feel it, express them effectively; work through negative ones. Know the huge range of feelings.

9) Being giving and thankful for other’s giving/gifts. Being in gratitude daily for all that is good.

10) Is open minded and a good listener; a good, eager learner:  reads, discusses, watches; experiences growth.

11) Is OK with uncertainty: freedom.

12) Being able to love and receive love; to trust; to become vulnerable.

13) Knows that winning is not what is important in relationships. What is important is relationships is: peace, love, kindness, respect, encouragement, sharing, caring, balanced give and take, fun, sex, intimacy, affection, showing appreciation, acceptance of the person for who they are, compromise (not compromising your values), knowing what your values are; choosing your battles (choosing not to battle on little things: knowing what little things and big things are); knowing how to disagree respectfully, and how to problem solve, make decisions jointly; apologizing.

Adult pointer: The opposite of control is operating within choices and options. An effective parent (person) gives choices and options and teaches a child (themselves) to operate within those choices. They know that there is usually more than one way to do things. A parent of an older child/teen teaches problem solving/exploring alternatives/ decision making ; teaches the child to think and decide on options; children of controllers do not learn to think and make decisions because the parent makes all the decisions, does all the “thinking”; gives orders and gives no choices/options. Controller: there is only one way: my way, and you will do it; In a relationship, be open to ideas, options with your partner. Explore options, enjoy it. Let go of, “My way is the best way; she comes up with other ideas because she doesn’t like mine; she is challenging me”.

Adult pointer: You may have heard (you may say), “you make me so mad”. (controllers are angry/mad a lot); It is very important that you know that no one, nothing, can “make” you mad. Someone does or says something; you perceive it negatively: you “get” mad. You choose to be mad. We choose to perceive things negatively. Controllers perceive LOTS of things/people negatively. They are negative people, looking for something to criticize. Children of a controller soon develop a need to have power over you (the controller), because they see that you value power, so they learn to value power also. One way to feel powerful as a child is to “make a parent mad”. They have made you mad. They have power over you. So if you are a controller this behavior will show up in your child: they will value controlling you also (misbehaving to get power over you). So, in a discipline situation, it is actually ineffective to “get mad” at a child (yell, etc); It accomplishes nothing. If it is done a lot, the child learns that they can “make you mad”; control you. The most effective thing to do in a discipline situation is to use calm communication and consequences (more later). We must learn to act thoughtfully in situations; not react;
So we want to discipline, not use rewards and punishment, which causes a child to be “other” directed: you do things to get rewards and to avoid punishment instead of because: doing good things, doing well, improvement feels good inside; doing the wrong thing causes consequences, natural and logical, (being inner-directed).  A controller uses rewards and punishment, devised by them, because it is a way to control the child. Punishment is ineffective and so usually escalates and becomes severe punishment or even rage. Punishment/threats can end up erasing a sense of trust and security in a child: “If you do this you are out of here”, or “I will hurt you”: builds fear.  The child then forgets about feeling bad about his act, but rather is “mad” at the parent punishment spurns revenge. “I will get back at you”. “I will hide from you and lie to avoid (resentful) for the unfairness, meanness, hurt. “I don’t trust you; you hurt me”. And severe, unfair punishment”. The tendency to lie is born when a parent uses punishment instead of discipline.  Rewards, praise, and punishment are used by controllers as ways to control children (and others). These controllers value perfectionism, being the best, being better than others, materialism; they focus on mistakes, negative possibilities, and the end results—such as winning; do not focus on process, creativity, and thought processes. Praise tends to compare children with other children, especially siblings: one is better than the other. This is not good. Siblings will always be different from one another. You cannot compare children. Each is unique with their own strengths and weaknesses.  Encouragement focuses on the strengths of each.

We want to use encouragement instead of rewards and praise. Using praise and punishment builds a child who does not have a strong conscience (inner-control). Your controlling parent is your conscience. They praise you when you do well: “You are only good when I say so”.  Praise is reserved for things well done, the best, etc. (judged according to you). It is vague and unspecific “Good!  Great job!”  Encouragement is very specific. With praise children may come to believe that their worth depends upon your opinion.  Encouragement is used for strengths, assets, effort, qualities, attitudes, improvement, trying hard, goodness, kindness, contribution, joy, having fun, sharing, caring, learned a lot, learning a new skill, creativity, patience. Things that we can encourage (in children and in ourselves) are: the ability to control anxiety, motivate ourselves, be persistent.  Encouragement teaches values and what’s important. Encouragement motivates a child to want to do better. Praise teaches a child to try to get the parents approval. “I did not feel good about my work until someone told me I was doing good”. So controlled children fish for praise, “Did I do good?”  A child needs to be able to tell himself that he did well, was responsible.  Rewards teach a child to say “what’s in it for me?” not, “what makes me feel good and makes me worthwhile.” Reinforce positives by rewarding with non-material incentives: a celebration, an outing with the family, friends. Do not reward with food. As adults we then reward and punish ourselves with food.  Material things are easy to see and value. Non-material concepts and values are not easy to “see”; they are felt: love, kindness, happiness….The child needs to feel good about themselves, inside, not be dependent upon the parent’s (or other’s) approval. Then the child develops self-talk:  “I am competent; I am doing well…”, and is able to define what they did well, what they improved upon. A controlling parent gives praise only for things extremely well done (or done to their standards). Otherwise, the child gets lots of criticism while doing tasks. A child needs to develop their own standards. A controller tends to give praise with one hand and take it away with the other:  “That was good BUT…… (this is what you did wrong)”.

Be a “good-finder” in people. Find the good in people/children, and in yourself. Controllers find the “bad”, mistakes, faults in people and in beauty. This evolves back to attitude and perceptions: seeing the beauty and positives in people and things. Peter only saw mistakes, imperfections, and used his talents to scrutinize beauty and show that he would’ve done it better. When he looked at the beautiful bronze statues, he had nothing but criticism; saw nothing but mistakes. How sad!

Second, to prevent problems and teach children up front, you must know that children must be taught to do things: trained. They do not pick things up just by watching you, or being told what to do (ordered). Controllers set children up for failure here.  So, on the weekend, think what it is you want the child to do this week. Sit down, (with older kids, have family meetings), and tell them what their chores will be this week. (with young children, one or 2 simple chores or tasks). Tell them this is how we contribute to our family, make it work smoothly. Pick one task and tell them you are going to train them. Tell them the rules for getting this done: when etc.  Tell your 4 year old that she is going to “make the salad” on Monday and Wednesday evenings. Show her the calendar and mark in pink her days. (or do salad every week night). Then you go through each step with her, in detail: with her doing it, get the lettuce out, wash it, wash your hands, put it in a salad bowl(plastic or wood), tear it up…. This is the training stage; ask her if she has any questions. When Monday rolls around tell her it is time to make the salad, “I know you can do it; go for it; ask me if you need help”. This is prevention and training. It is giving a child something constructive to do while dinner is being prepared (prevents misbehavior or boredom). She could even be munching on some lettuce on a side plate while she’s working.(prevents hunger). This is structuring for success and so much more. Don’t expect perfection. The goals of this task are not perfection. It teaches so many things. Then of course when the family is eating it, they offer encouragement: thank you, you really helped, this is so good; what skills did you learn?  what did you enjoy doing most? what was the hardest part?; … You do not correct the child at this stage. You just encourage and enjoy, and talk. If you noticed she needs a lot more instruction, you go back to the table on the weekend and re-instruct; no need to tell her what “she did wrong”; do tell her what she did right: she will want to do it again. If you only criticize, the child will not want to do it again, and it will become a battle.

Thirdly, with prevention, communicate your rules, limits for behavior, your house rules, etc.  BEFORE your child does things, before they misbehave or act irresponsibly. Then communicate what the consequences will be for breaking the rules.  Rules must have consequences attached. The consequences should be logical: attached to the misbehavior. Or if you cannot set a consequence beforehand, learn to let natural consequences happen.  Example: You tell your child to put their coat on; it is cold outside; they don’t: they will get cold; the next time they will put their coat on; this will teach them more than if you drag the child back in (before they get cold) and punish them, and yell and scream; Example: you are going to the store with your child. You tell them before leaving, where you are going, what you are going for. These are the behaviors I expect from you:……   If you misbehave (list some misbehaviors:  stand up in the cart, beg for candy, cry, throw temper tantrums….) you will not be allowed to play outside for one hour when we get back. You can buy one snack, not candy, so be thinking about what you want.  If the child is well behaved, when you get back you offer encouragement: thank you, your behavior really helped me; the other people in the store really appreciate it…. Now you can go out to play. How many times do you see children misbehaving in stores? These parents have not learned effective, preventive, positive parenting.

Prevention includes setting structure, schedules, routines for children. They need to know when to get up, eat, go to bed, do homework etc.  This prevents misbehavior, and gives children a sense of security. Having rules and routines gives children predictability. Having an unstable, unpredictable parent causes insecurity.

Controlling parents do not use these positive/preventive techniques. They simply “control” their children; are constantly telling them what to do, when to do it: “now”; or criticizing/punishing children for doing things wrong. They are dictators. Children raised in this way become angry and defiant. It comes to fruition when they are two and need to start feeling a sense of self and some degree of independence, smarts, and talents. If they are raised by controllers, they develop the words: “no”, “I don’t want to”, “I want to do it myself”, and use those phrases all the time (along with the attitudes and behaviors). They throw temper tantrums. Controlling parents then bear down even harder, get angrier, and punish more. These children get stuck in this stage, and then when they are adults they still go by: “no, don’t tell me what to do”, “I don’t want to”, “I want to do it myself (my way), “I am not going to listen to you”; they throw temper tantrums: they are now controllers.

Fourth, on prevention, be respectful to your child, just as you would with an adult. It will prevent misbehavior. Example: A father is playing football in the yard with his son. A neighbor walks over and all of a sudden the father stops and walks over to the neighbor to talk. The 8 year old gets angry and is pouting; he walks over and is pulling on his dad and telling him to hurry up; Prevention, respect: “excuse me son, I am going to talk to Joe. When I am through I will come back and we will play”.     Example: You are in the kitchen. Your children are in the next room playing and being loud. It is not a misbehavior. The phone rings and you are trying to talk to a friend. All of a sudden the behavior becomes a misbehavior, but the kids don’t know that. A controller would yell for them to be quiet and get angry. An effective parent will walk into their room and tell them that she is now trying to talk on the phone and so they need to now be quiet. She will tell them when she is off.  Children must be told how their behavior affects you (the consequences for you) (affects others).  Use “I” messages: Example: Your child is sitting on the sofa with her feet on the sofa. You walk up “When you put your feet on the sofa, the sofa will get dirty. I get very frustrated when you do this. The consequence for me is that I will either have to clean it myself or pay to have it cleaned. This is not OK with me. You can either sit with your feet on the floor or sit on the floor.” (choices). When we give children choices we communicate respect. “I laid your clothes for school on your bed. There are 3 choices. Please pick one and put it on.”   A controller does not give choices, is not respectful to children, and does not use positive, preventive parenting. They only know how to order, yell, remind, scold, criticize, punish and get mad when these don’t work. Their children learn to use power, revenge, attention getting behaviors, and display of inadequacy.

Also, do not ignore positive behavior—encourage it. That is what we are trying to build. Example: Usually your kids are quiet on Saturday mornings knowing you want to sleep. One morning they are being noisy and wake you up. You quickly let them know this is not OK and use a consequence.  But just as important is to encourage them and thank them on mornings when they are quiet. Positive behavior should not go unnoticed.  Our question should be how do I build positive behavior, values, not how do I get rid of misbehavior. Children are learning how to act appropriately.

Lastly, make sure there are lots of positives in your child’s day (and in yours). The list of positives for them, should be longer than their list of negatives: what they did wrong, how many times they were corrected etc.  Do things with your child, even if it is just chores. Create chores so that you can be together. Try to have some one on one with your child each day. Most importantly, have fun with your child. Learn to play again.

 

 

 

The First Six Years are Crucial for Dads

14 Jun 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: ,

Experts now say that the first 6 years of a child’s life are the most important years. During those years he develops his basic personality, self-esteem and outlook on life.   By about age 4, he has developed 50% of his intellectual growth through stimulation. By age 2 he has become a social being, and active fathering has encouraged a child who will be explorative and independent.  By age 1 the child has developed his self-concept, and this is influenced by the atmosphere in his home.

In the past many fathers postponed active fathering until the children were old enough to play games, sports or activities that were also fun for the father. Fathers often indicated playing with babies was boring and tedious. Much of this was due to lack of information on children’s developmental stages and what can be done from month to month, year to year, to stimulate growth and learning in children.

Fathers are now enjoying reading about their developing children and are finding it challenging to stimulate a certain trait or ability in their children. Children are benefitting from the different types of attention from each parent and are leading truly interesting, fulfilling lives.

The time for fathers to be especially giving of their time and energy is during those first six years when intelligence, social capacity, personality, and self-esteem are being developed. This is also the time when the new mother especially needs the active participation of the father. Not only does the baby or child benefit from active fathering, but the mother, the father, and the husband/wife relationship also benefit.

When a baby enters the picture where it was previously just a husband and wife, things begin to change at a rapid pace. Especially in today’s society, where a large number of marriages remain childless for many years, and have developed certain constant habits and lifestyles, change associated with a new baby can become a major upheaval in a couple’s life. Sharing in the care and nurturing of a child can make a marriage stronger. Both parents bond and attach to the baby and can share feelings, experiences, frustrations, and joys more effectively.

In certain areas of caretaking mothers are more effective, but also in certain areas fathers are more effective, such as rocking or walking the baby. Studies have shown that many babies as young as 8 months prefer playing with their Dads. The child can perceive an atmosphere of calmness or tenseness from his handlers and in his home. When a mother is given respite from constant baby care she is much less tense and experiences less stress. When both parents are involved in caring for the child, a child learns that his needs will be met. If one parent is overly stressed, the other parent takes over and the child’s needs are met in a much calmer atmosphere. These children will have a great sense of being able to influence their environment.

Fathers are also discovering that through strong interaction with their children they are getting to know themselves better and are rediscovering interests and pleasures that they enjoyed as children. The new forms of interaction also include child-care. Fathers report the close contact involved in child-care often enhances a close, loving relationship. Child-care time has become “quality time” for many fathers. Indeed, fathers are changing their priorities. Effective parenting and personal, family life have become top priorities for many men.

 

Being a Mother: Living, Loving, and creating our future

10 May 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , , ,

Being a Mother: Living, Loving, and creating our future

To all you mothers out there, Happy Mother’s Day! You have one of the most important jobs in this world, raising our future.  It can also be one of the most fulfilling and wonderful experiences of your life, if you do it well and with love.  Do it well, not perfect, as that is impossible. Have the courage to be imperfect, and relax, enjoy. Read and learn how to do it, then relax.  Mothering is one of those fulfilling jobs where you actually can enjoy each moment, each day, be in the moment, because children change and grow each day. It is fascinating. We must learn this and focus on this rather than any “negatives”.  Children are “imperfect” in some people’s eyes, because they don’t do things like adults. They are imperfect, but actually perfect little children. They are born “perfect”. It is all our weirdness, attitudes, egos, lack of courage to be imperfect,  negativity that mess them up.  If done in a quality way, you can experience living, loving, growing, learning and creating  in the most wonderful way.

Mothering is also one of those jobs where we learn “on the job”. Mothers have to be strong and interested in learning how to do it as we go. Usually we are trained, educated in our “ jobs”. It is less stressful when this happens. So mothers must learn, learn, learn and enjoy learning how to mother. Mothering can be such a pleasure and growing experience if we read and learn. Learning includes how to build a self-disciplined, responsible , happy, loving young person. If a woman does not want to put forth lots of effort and love, and lots of learning, into mothering, she should not become a mother. If she does not want her life to change, she should not become a mother.

Parenting can make you a better person, refine your values, if you are a strong, stable person. If you are not yet strong and stable, you should get there, before you become a parent.

Dating in my  50’s , I had gotten to the point where I date only men who have had a child, have fathered a child, and done a good job;  you can learn so much by being a parent: lose your self-centeredness, become giving, learn deep, unconditional love, dedication to the right things, compromise, fun through a child’s eyes, how to play, deep sense of responsibility, how to be frustrated and understand that that is part of living with another human being, especially a child human being, how to value children; giving up things that are bad for you so that you can be a better parent, person, and model good living, sacrifice, reexamining your values and beliefs, so that you can live them and teach them; how to share, care and feel deeply, be thoughtful and mindful, be imaginative, informed, knowledgeable, so that you can be a better parent and person, know how to fully consider another person’s needs and wants,  the importance of being positive, encouraging, optimistic, so that your child will be those things also, learning to watch what comes out of your mouth, controlling your negative emotions and acts, and learning stress management. It causes you to reach, grow…  For me, this works because I have parented 3 children, and will have more in common with a man who has fathered successfully.

It is important to note here, that the word “successfully” , is important. When dating in middle age, that is one of the things we want to find out about a man; if he fathered, was he a quality dad?  Does he have good relationships now with his kids? Are his kids reasonably happy, healthy and successful?

Moms should remember , like all jobs,  not to totally live your life doing this and nothing else meaningful, because, like all jobs, the active phase  will end, the years of active parenting,  and you need to have something else that you do and love. Your life needs to be balanced, always. You will be a better mother if you keep things balanced.  If you have a partner, a romantic lover, maintaining that loving relationship is also very important! The ideal is to have that relationship last and grow, through the parenting years, and be with you when active parenting ends. Think about that… you want to have a wonderful partner with you forever, not just during the parenting years. So, you want to mother/father in a way that builds wonderful relationships: with your children and with your partner. The best way to keep relationships in balance (parenting vs romantic),  is to have a partner who fully participates in the parenting role, even Steven. Remember, your years of active mothering will and should end. Work on building your life for post-parenting.

Being a mother can be one of the most wonderful times of your life. It is a very important, fulfilling job. This society should value the mothering role more, providing support groups, learning opportunities, and quality child care and play groups and opportunities for mothers and children. Communities should be safe, nurturing, and provide parks, green space and recreation for families. If we want to prevent mental illness and build a strong future, we will focus on supporting strong mothers and children.

Mother’s Day was born due to strong, pioneering women back in the early 1900’s who wanted to teach this country to focus on the importance of mothers. They advocated and pushed men, presidents to recognize and appreciate mothers, and to start focusing policy on the job of mothering, and on communities being quality places for mothers and children.

For me, mothering has been a full time job, but also occupies my soul, mind, political goals regarding this country, and supporting all mothers and children. It is one of the most important jobs in this country. It is prevention and quality of life, and values, which are just as important as money and power. If this country wants to be the best country, it will also focus on quality of life for mothers and children.

So, on Mother’s Day, we can be thankful for wonderful, loving mothers, and for the amazing opportunity to be a mother.  We celebrate how mothering teaches us to love, and live fully, focusing on the most important “things”.  I am thankful for the amazing experiences, memories, and wonderful children that I have. I am thankful for what mothering has taught me. I will continue to advocate for them, and for a wonderful country for all mothers and children. Mothers are advocates for children, and can encourage all people to focus on strong children and thus a strong future. But most importantly, mothers are love. We celebrate love and a country full of loving and loved people.

 

Single Parenting

06 Apr 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , ,

Single Parenting

The last article discussed bonding at birth and after: bonding between parent and baby, and between husband and wife. What we are really talking about is quality parenting and quality marriages and relationships.  The ideal way to do parenting, for the average person, is to do it with a dedicated, healthy partner. It is great if a baby can have 2 great, healthy parents. It is great if a female baby can have a great female role model. It is great if a male baby can have a great male role model. It is good for a child to see 2 people model a great relationship, and to model love, working together as a team effectively. We do want our children to see a great romantic relationship, so that they can be better prepared and motivated to do that when they are grown. But if they don’t, the child can always study and learn how to do relationships later.

These days, of course, lots of women are single parenting, choosing to have a child outside of marriage, or single parenting after a divorce. Research has shown that this option can be just as healthy and effective if done in a quality way. It is actually healthier than having a family where one parent in the home is not emotionally/mentally healthy, or is abusive/neglectful. Remember abuse/neglect includes  emotional, verbal, physical. Abuse/neglect by one parent not only affects the child negatively, it affects the other parent negatively.

If a single parent has plenty of money, it is easier to single parent because she can pay for support systems, and the other needs of the child, and the needs of the mother, and add in recreation and fun.  Having money and resources does make single parenting easier and less stressful.

I worked with abusive/neglectful parents. It is usually best to remove the abusive parent from the home. Also, if a parent knows that their child is being abused by the other parent and does nothing to get help or stop the behavior, that parent is also guilty of abuse/neglect, unless they have been threatened. The healthy parent in that home needs to know that it is healthier to parent alone than to parent with an unhealthy person. Studies have shown that as long as a child has one very healthy, strong, loving parent, and no negative/neglectful/bad parent in the home, they will do fine.  So, it is better to parent alone than to try to parent with an unhealthy person, or an unhealthy relationship in the home. Home, for a child, and for a person, means peace, love, mutual nurturing, support, trust, security, feeling safe, sharing, caring, encouragement, learning, growing, contributing…  When a man and a woman live together without a great relationship, and try to parent with one parent/partner being a bad parent or partner, there will instead be tension and instability in the home. The above things are not present. It is then better to parent alone, and live without that person in the home.

Also, it is important to remember that living with a bad partner/bad relationship affects the woman negatively. It is hard to be a good parent when you are being dragged down by negative energy, stress, poor behavior, or a dead-beat who expects to be waited on and does not do their part in the relationship. You also do not want the child to grow up with that negative energy, and seeing an unhappy mother, unhappy relationship.

So, a single parent home can be just as quality as a two-parent home. It just requires either more money, or more effort to pull together resources, support systems, and to pull loving people and fun into your lives. The basics of good relationships are: love, encouragement, fun, and respect. We want to have homes for our kids, and for ourselves, for our relationships, where these things are present. If these things are not present, or when neglect, abuse(physical, verbal, emotional), negativity, control, are present, it is best to raise yourself and your child alone, in a peaceful, nurturing home. It is good to have a happy mother. It is difficult for a child to be happy, well-adjusted, with an unhappy mother. We  see marriages with self-centered, unhealthy, unloving, disrespectful, boring, negative, controlling/demanding men, and unhappy women. It is best to leave these marriages, and to not raise children in these atmospheres.

Finally, as long as a baby bonds with one loving person at birth, she/ he will be fine as far as the bonding stage. The baby must be held, touched, nurtured, get eye contact, hear a loving voice, etc. It is great to have two people to bond with. The more the merrier. We should value loving, sharing, nurturing, fun relationships. But we do not want to live with people, parent with people, who do not lift us up, who do not contribute to peace, love, joy, growth, and health. Two people trying to parent together in the same home need to have a strong love and respect for one another, and want each other to be happy and fulfilled.

Valuing marriages, relationships, parenting, and demonstrating that

05 Apr 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , , ,

Valuing marriages, relationships, parenting, and demonstrating that

 

Being a responsible man, husband, father, community member, who knows how to demonstrate the most important values:

This article is a followup to the newsworthy reports on New York Mets second baseman Daniel Murphy who had been getting criticized by sports radio men for missing a game due to the birth of his child.

Murphy got word late on a Sunday night that his wife was in labor, and rushed to Florida to be with her. He was there for the birth of their first child the next day, Monday, which also happened to be Opening Day. The Mets had Tuesday off, and Murphy decided to stay with his wife Wednesday. Murphy told ESPN that he and his wife decided together that it would be best for him to stay the extra day. “Having me there helped a lot, and vice versa, to take some of the load off,” he said. “It felt, for us, like the right decision to make.”

For a number of sports commentators, however, Murphy’s decision seemed ludicrous. A New York-based radio host kicked off the outrage, devoting his entire show to asking, exasperatedly, why on earth a man would need to take off more than the few hours during which his child is actually born. “For a baseball player, you take a day. All right, back in the lineup the next day. What are you doing? What would you be doing? I guarantee you’re not sitting there holding you’re wife’s hand.” “You can hire a nurse to take care of the baby if your wife needs help…Are you gonna sit there and look at your wife in the hospital bed for two days?”

“What do you do? You work the next day, then you take off three months, to do what? Have a party? ‘The baby was born…But I took maternity leave three months later.’ For what? To take pictures? I mean, what would you possibly be doing? That makes no sense. I didn’t even know there was such a thing.”

Another host said, “To me, and this is just my sensibility: 24 hours, You stay there, baby’s good, you have a good support system for the mom and the baby. You get your ass back to your team and you play baseball.”

Another host thought even 24 hours was too much time: “Quite frankly, I would’ve said, ‘C-section before the season starts. I need to be at Opening Day.”

This country needs to start valuing marriage, relationships, and parenting. Men especially need to work on this. There is a realization that many men are mentally ill, and that it is men who go on shooting sprees and kill people with guns. Gun enthusiasts like to point out that it is the men, not guns, that do this. Some men will say that we need to work on mental illness, etc., but then do nothing to make this happen. If it means taking any of their money or their time to work on mental illness in this country, then forget it. It is someone else’s problem. Any major, widespread problem in this country is OUR problem, not someone else’s problem.

There are ways to prevent much mental illness, including mentally ill men who are angry, violent, feeling isolated, unloved, are rudderless, have no effective life skills, and then become psychopaths.  This country does not talk much about prevention. We like to wait until things get bad before we act. Needless to say, this is much less effective, and very expensive. Prevention is much more effective, cheaper, and much more humane. So how do we prevent a lot of mental illness: men who grow up angry, violent, feeling isolated, unloved, are rudderless, have no effective life skills, and then become psychopaths? We value and focus on quality marriages and quality parenting. This parenting includes quality FATHERING.

Quality parenting and  a quality parenting partnership begins with the birth of your child. Lots of studies have been done showing the importance of these beginning days, months, and year. This is when bonding occurs. I will not expound on bonding studies, except to say that bonding with your child, and your child bonding with you, both of you, is extremely important. It is when you connect with your heart and soul. It is when you learn how to feel, feelings so profound they are hard to explain. It is when you hold each other, TOUCH, establish eye contact and heart contact. It is when you learn to give and take like you have never done before. It is when 3 people become a we, when a man and woman become real partners , about to do something very important for 18 years, and when their marriage takes on new meaning and value; Or not. It is when a woman can figure out if she married to a man who has very little heart and soul, the wrong values, is capable of love and feeling loved; and if he really has depth and real life skills, relationship skills. The men described above do not have the right values, and I would guess, are poor in relationships, and not great fathers, if they are fathers. They don’t have a clue regarding living life successfully in love, relationships and parenting.

The first year of  life of a child is when we learn our parenting style, our relationship style, our emotional stability and depth, our ability to feel and love, our ability to give, to compromise, to be inconvenienced, to focus on other’s needs, to practice stress management, and to move out of our comfort zone…and to examine our attitudes, beliefs and how our parents parented vs how we want to parent: father.

Read previous articles regarding what effective fathering and partnering looks like. Being a detached father/partner does not work. I had an uncle who was a  major league baseball player/coach. He was married and had 3 sons. All I saw was 3 rudderless boys, with a father who was “never there”. They ended up as total flops in life and living: mentally, emotionally ill, with zero life skills. Their mother went to a lot of games and left the kids with babysitters. The father, even when he was home, was “not there”. He was not there emotionally, mentally, actively for his boys. The only thing he knew how to do was be with men, play baseball, drink beer, and spit tobacco. For him, women were for sex, looking at, companionship, and to take care of his house and kids. He couldn’t be bothered by “fathering”.  He had the same attitudes as the sports hosts listed above.

Then there are athletes like Drew Brees. This seems to be a man, husband, father who truly has the “right” values, knows how to father, be a husband, and show responsibility; is emotionally, mentally healthy, balanced. When we are emotionally, mentally healthy, we are able to juggle, and live life effectively, including living our relationships in a quality way. This is a  man who has heart and soul and feelings, and is not ashamed to show it. He  does not go around trying to show he is a man. He is a quality man.

Even though he is away a lot during season, when he is home he knows how to do that in a quality, devoted way. He, I’m sure, is shaking his head at the idiots listed above. He is also a man who loves his community, gives back, and feels a duty to give back due to his blessings. He lives in gratitude and love.

Linda, in previous articles, also had a husband who did these unloving, uncaring things, as listed above. When their daughter was born, her husband said ,”well, you are fine, she is fine, I am going to go to the football game.” So within hours of the birth, he went to the game. Linda was in disbelief, feeling sad, and abandoned. He also said that he could go because she and the baby would be sleeping. This man had no depth, sentimentality, and really was unable to feel real love and awe in living. He only felt deeply when watching sports and having sex. Feeling and thinking with his heart and soul was not part of him. And so, this day, this act of his, became symbolic for how he developed his relationship with his daughter, and with his wife over the years. It was a surface relationship, with no depth. He did things when asked to, but never volunteered.  He never thought about his relationships; just went into automatic. This man seemed overwhelmed by life and its demands. He was able to do his “job”, at work, but anything else, like relationships and parenting, running a household and life,  he punted to his wife and others.  This man was born to a detached, unsentimental, negative, verbally abusive father. He did not bond with his father at birth, or after that. His father did not bond with his son at birth. The father did not bond with his wife at the birth, nor after that. She went through life parenting, basically alone, and often feeling alone and overwhelmed. Parenting does not mean just taking care of feeding, clothing, supervision, routines. It means so much more than that.

This country, and its men, need to start talking about what is really important to build people who are healthy: mentally, emotionally, physically, intellectually, responsible, and with a sense of contributing and giving back. It takes all of us; not just women, wives, mothers. The roles of father, husband, are so important. Doing this life with quality partners, fathers, mothers, is absolutely the best and most fulfilling way. We now know that poor parenting produces very unhealthy people. Good parents teach us to love, feel trust, bond with people, like ourselves, teach us values, attitudes, teach us life skills, people skills. Good parents are involved, good communicators, spend time with us, teach us not to be angry, self-discipline, how to be responsible, how to feel and care. Good parenting involves a full partner so that parenting does not overwhelm and isolate us. Sharing experiences fully with great human beings is what makes things fulfilling. No mother, wife should ever feel alone and overwhelmed.

When a child is born, we can either raise a great person, or we can punt(toss the ball to someone else). It is a time to say, “I am here for you honey and this child, and I will always be. I will learn with you, how to do this. We will do this together in a quality way; in good times and in stressful times. We will focus on our marriage also because our love is so important. We will be full partners and lovers.” Being there in the beginning is symbolic as well as necessary to bonding.

Or we can just continue to say guns don’t do it: people do. We need to start raising boys, men in a quality way. It starts with quality fathering and quality marriages. Each man can contribute in this way, or we can build a huge mental health system and jail system, and live in fear of mentally ill shooters, and blame mothers.

 

 

Relationships- Get rid of your temper

01 Mar 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: ,

Relationships- Get rid of your temper

If you watched The Bachelor  in a recent year you know that  Brad ended up engaged to Emily. You also know that they broke up after the show and were trying to work it out.  You learned that, according to Emily, “Brad has a temper… and so do I…”  They have things they still need to learn about one another before they get married. .. “How we fight…” .  She said his family asked her if she had poked the bear yet, (seen his temper yet).

Needless to say, these issues are important, and they do need to know these things before they get married, and work on resolving them.  We have been talking about the syndrome of control and controlling people.  People who are controlling need to have power and control over you. One trait they have is a temper, the tendency to rage.  We have talked about control being a syndrome consisting of many traits, not just one or two.  Also, all behavior occurs on a continuum, from mild to severe. All of us have small bits of most behaviors, good and bad. But when bad behaviors occur often or are severe, then there is a problem.  A person who is controlling becomes emotionally and verbally abusive, and over the years becomes “mentally ill” if they don’t get help.  Part of emotional and verbal abuse involves yelling/raging at a partner/child.

First, being out of control, and yelling/raging at a person is not OK.  Again, what’s ironic is that controlling people, who need to be in control, are OUT of control when they are raging. (Their behavior, attitudes/perceptions/maturity are out of control ). They think they are in control because they all of sudden are scaring you, shutting you up, talking over you: they are getting power over you, getting your undivided attention, showing they are more powerful, threatening you.  That is “power” to them.  It is external power. What they lack is internal power: the ability to regulate moods, thoughts, words, perceptions.  They are immature in that they perceive you as a threat, challenging them. Remember that we have said controllers are unable to control their words, thoughts, attitudes, perceptions.  Anger comes when we perceive things/people negatively and incorrectly, our attitudes are negative.  Anger comes when we think we must be “in control”.  Our beliefs are that to be strong we must be in control and better than others.  We value control and power instead of peace, harmony, loving our partner or child, showing love, kindness, growing during disagreements, problem-times.  If we yell/rage during problem times we do not grow/learn, and problems issues grow and escalate.  Raging often escalates into hitting; Losing control and jumping in a car and speeding through a neighborhood because you are “mad”.  The thing is, you really are “mad”: out of control.

So how do we stop these behaviors and quit yelling and raging? Again, we learn most of our behaviors, attitudes, beliefs from our parents. We become controlling because we had a parent who was controlling.  Read previous articles and you will recall that the way to grow, mature and get rid of dysfunctional and ineffective behaviors/beliefs/attitudes is to realize that your parent did it wrong, parented you poorly, and then re-parent yourself: relearn how to be with people, in relationships effectively; how to love; what love means, what a quality relationship looks like.

So how do we “learn how to fight”?  We examine how our parents did it. Read and talk about quality relationships, and re-learn how to communicate during disagreements and problem times.  Brad and Emily both now know that they both have “a temper” and that it feels bad and is not working.  If your behavior, words make you feel bad, make others feel bad, they are bad,  (Although Emily may have just been reacting to Brad’s temper).

There is a difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness. Assertiveness is good. Aggressiveness is bad (except in severe situations).  Yelling/raging, hitting, calling names, belittling, threatening, blaming are aggressive.  Telling someone how you feel, how their behavior affects you; affects your rights and needs; what your rights and needs are,  is assertive; Using “I messages”, instead of “you messages” (attacking messages).  Raising your voice is normal in certain situations where you are needing to put emphasis on your feelings, but is usually not necessary.  But “raging”, yelling at the top of your lungs, moving towards a person in a threatening manner, is not OK.

Rage/yelling (a temper: proneness to anger) is a combination of behavior, attitudes, lack of communication skills, need for power, lack of maturity and is learned (learned from your parents).  So, it has to be unlearned.  Young people like Brad and Emily realize something is wrong after spending lots of real time together: getting out of lala land, when having to deal with real life.  Learning how to communicate effectively , and problem-solve, in a relationship is something young people must learn. You can’t just “do it like my parents did it”.  Then by the time you are middle age you should be “mature” ,  a good communicator and problem solver. So as I speak of middle age dating, that is an issue: middle age people who still have not learned how to communicate effectively and lovingly during conflict, problems, issues, decision making times, and even just during regular conversation (or they don’t know how to just have regular conversation).  These people are controllers, and their need to control becomes greater as they get older and have not developed new skills and maturity.  Remember that the way controllers communicate is:

judge you, criticize you; give you advice; tell you what to do; when, where, how to do it; argues a lot; is often irritated, irritable(anger, anxiety)(anger: yelling, raging); has their own definitions of right and wrong ; “my way or the highway” attitude; there is only one way to do things: my way; perceives things and people negatively; looks for mistakes;  These are the modes of their communication with others. They don’t really know how to carry on a “real” conversation: pleasant, fun, interesting. They instead argue your points, criticize you and others, criticize everything around them, judge you, others, and things going on around you, tell you how to do things, how to think, etc.;

Doesn’t want to be controlled, told what to do; perceives ideas and recommendations as telling them what to do, or criticizing or challenging their ideas;  when you have ideas they see you as thinking you are smarter, have better ideas than them; can’t apologize; can’t admit mistakes; if you take them somewhere(it was your idea), they are not going to enjoy it(passive aggressive), not say anything positive about it, challenge you when you say something positive;

Is not in “control” of themselves: of their actions, attitudes, words, thoughts, perceptions; their lives are often out of control: jobs, relationships; can’t handle frustration; lack of patience; so they try to control their immediate environment: house, loved ones; they value turmoil (so they can use their advice skills, obtain power, and get attention); are ego-oriented: have a need for approval; never feel they are good enough (due to how they were parented);

Brad admitted over and over again during the show that he had problems with relationships.  He is 38 years old and has not been successful in a relationship yet. His father left him, his family, when he was very young. His father was a rager.  Brad said he has been to counseling, but he has much work still to do. They now need to go to counseling together, or learn together, so that the counselor can get the perspective of the person Brad is trying to be in a loving relationship with.  Sometimes counseling does not work if the counselor only hears the “perspective” of the person needing help; also people often don’t reveal pertinent information.  Counseling a “relationship” is very different from counseling one-on-one.  They need to learn relationship skills and let go of  “my temper.” Learn  “how to fight”.

Brad and Emily needed to learn together: how to communicate: good communication up front PREVENTS anger and misunderstandings;  how to disagree without anger, yelling/raging,  attitudes about yelling/raging, control, power, how to be loving, kind, peaceful; how to do problem-solving, decision making (these are skills);  how to use “I messages”, etc. ; how to identify their feelings, acknowledge them, and communicate them (learn words for feelings);  mature adults need to learn the wide range of negative feelings/words, not just “I am angry”. We must know: “I am: frustrated, feeling left out, feeling disrespected, feeling misunderstood, feeling attacked, feeling discounted(my ideas are not important to you),  …   ; disgusted, resentful, bitter, fed-up, sad, depressed,  dissatisfied,  worn-out, useless, weak, hopeless, forlorn, rejected, guilty,  bewildered, frightened, anxious, dismayed, apprehensive, disturbed, torn, hate, unloved,  hurt, miserable, pain, lonely,  worthless, impotent, futile,  abandoned, estranged, degraded, humiliated, shocked, panicky, trapped, horrified, afraid, scared, terrified, threatened, infuriated, furious, exhausted;”       attitudes: “ I want to change, learn, grow with you, show vulnerability”;   People who “blow up” tend to not feel and express negative feelings until they fester and grow and blow up. They are taught by parents that it is not OK to feel and express negative feelings.

They need to discuss what they value: love(and how to show it), kindness, compassion, peace, fun…   and do not value power, control, being better than you…  During the shows you could tell that Brad is very intense, uptight, closed, not a good communicator with women.  You did not see some of the negatives because he was in FULL control of the show, the women, the dates, and the outcome.  He loved being in a control situation.  Of course what we look for in those initial days of dating, especially when thrown into paradise(not real life), are things like, physical attractions, “vibes”, sexual attraction, feeling comfortable with the person, fun dates, a successful  person…  It’s when we “get home”, live together, that we discover the real person. You will not see a controller in full view until you move into their space and their life, with real issues, real life.

It is also common for controlling men to look for “sweet” women;  those that seem to be non-combative and easily pliable.  You will notice that Brad picked the woman who seemed the “sweetest; with a good soul”.  (as well as the “prettiest”).  Now Emily is finding out that Brad is not so “sweet”, and Brad is finding out that Emily is not easily controlled and manipulated.   They have a lot of work to do.

Of course what we really want to learn to do is “not fight” as much; how to communicate, prevent “fights”, how to disagree respectfully and to learn and grow as a result, how to problem solve, how to express what we are feeling and listen when our loved ones express feelings;  how to mature and “choose our battles” : let things go that are not important; value peace and love more than being right and fighting.  Let go of “might means right”.  Mature people are able to stop and think, regulate moods, attitudes, words; choose the high road, and choose LOVE.

 

 

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