RELATIONSHIPS; WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDREN

Relationships during Christmas: celebrating choices, ideas, options, new experiences, alternatives, change, learning together

We have been talking about control in relationships. Remember, controllers also do not want to be controlled, told what to do, perceive ideas and recommendations as telling them what to do, or criticizing or challenging their ideas :when you have ideas they see you as thinking you are smarter, have better taste, better ideas. So controllers are not just those who try to control you and others, they also don’t want you telling them what to do. So, you will notice that when in a relationship with a controller, your ideas, preferences will not be greeted with enthusiasm. They may even tell you you are trying to tell them what to do. Don’t fall for that trick!  Ideas, new ideas, choices, alternatives, options, learning new ways, are the spice of life, the spice of relationships. If you are a controller, don’t want or like change, are set in your ways you will not experience new wonder, new joy, new ways, new people, new relationships to their fullest! “I want to do it my way” is an immature attitude, and our goal as adults is to grow and stretch and experience new wonders, new joy. We learn to value ideas, being open minded, showing appreciation for new ideas.

Choices are wonderful. This holiday season we have a choice, to either be in a relationship, and be in it fully, or to be alone, doing whatever YOU want to do, the way you want to do it, when you want to do it. You will not experience any stress that way. All you will experience is aloneness.  You can listen to the music you want to listen to, the same ones, eat what you want, when you want it, go where you want to go: alone…

Or you can be with someone special, sharing your ideas, listening with eagerness to their ideas, listening to their past traditions, rituals, things that are special to them, let them teach you new ways, new recipes, expose you to new music; developing new traditions  and rituals just between you two; merging, redesigning old rituals/traditions, throwing some out, creating new ones: experiencing together.  If you find that you are with a person who doesn’t want to hear, discuss, change, learn; gets mad when you offer ideas, wants to do everything their “old” way, run for the hills.

Being in a relationship during special, busy times offers so much opportunity to learn about each other, to share, care, love, experience joy: to learn to compromise and enjoy doing it; to give up some things for something new and better; to learn about your partner’s values.  Being in a relationship is all about attitude and expectations. A controller expects you to want to do what they want to do and expects you to like it. Their attitude is: I know the best ways, my ideas are best; I don’t need your recommendations; your insults to my ideas; I am going to do it my way: my way or the highway.

Encouraging relationships/words look like this: “ That’s a great idea. Lets try it!” “Thanks for sharing that idea; I had a great time with you. I liked……  I liked how you….” “ let’s make that our own tradition in the future!”  “ I have an idea……”

Relationship story: Story of a new couple(in middle age) during their first Christmas together: Peter is a controller: The first week of December had come. Linda asked if they could go get a Christmas tree. Peter said he had an artificial one in the attic. Linda expressed that she would love a real tree. Finally, Peter said they would go to WMart and get a tree on Friday. Even though Linda was used to “hunting” for trees in tree lots and finding “the right one”—rituals— she said OK. They went to WMart. Peter walked in and said, “let’s take this one”.-a wrapped tree, the first one he saw. You couldn’t tell what it looked like. When they got “home” he put it in the back yard with no water. There it sat. Each night Linda would ask to bring it in. In his passive aggressive ways Peter said, “tomorrow”. A week later the tree came in, all dried out: Linda was in the kitchen with Peter. She asked if they could bring the tree in. Peter said “tomorrow”, so Linda calmly told him that the tree was dying and that if he had not really wanted to get a live tree he should’ve just said so. Peter’s face turned red, he yelled that she was not to talk to him that way—he went off in a rage. She withdrew and sat down in the den. He followed, bent over her, put his fist in her face and said, “You don’t walk off from me. I will show you how I end a fight.” She told him to get away from her. He said, “you don’t tell me what to do. I will do whatever in the hell I want to do”. He withdrew fuming and went out into the garage and continued “going through her things”. After a while, she went out and asked him to come in so that they could talk. He came in, sat across the room. She told Peter that she cannot be with someone who rages, and that for him to rage over something so minor was really scary. She needed him to apologize and say that he would not do it again. He refused. He got up and walked off. Linda knew that this was possibly the beginning of the end. She prayed for guidance. She decided she would wait and see if anything like this happened again.

Christmas Eve came. Linda was already thinking this relationship was in trouble. She was big on sentimentality and rituals. The weeks leading up to Christmas had been tense—nothing special was said or done.  The dead tree was finally brought in, and a war ensued over where to put it. Every decision had to be made by Peter or he was not happy. Linda decorated the tree herself because he never mentioned the desire to decorate it. Then when she decorated it, he came in and stared at it—his usual walk around and judge and criticize. No words of “that looks good’.  He said. “I thought we would decorate it together. I used to love to string popcorn when I was little and put it on the tree”. She was once again very weirded out.

It was the first time she had been without her children on Christmas.  She was feeling a little down. She told him this and he got the blank stare on his face and said/did nothing. On Christmas Eve she was hoping to do something special—to establish their own rituals and special times. They did nothing.  She got up on Christmas Eve morning and he was in the office on the computer. She fixed eggs and ate them outside by the pool, with her coffee, by herself. It was a beautiful day; warm, sunshine. She went back in and was feeling very sad. She turned on beautiful Christmas music and felt better instantly. She sat down with a book to read. As soon as she did, Peter walked into the den and asked what she was doing. She said, “Good Morning!, reading and listening to music, what would you like to do today?” He didn’t answer, and had that serious look on his face. He could not stand to watch her reading and listening peacefully to music: things he could not do. Peace was not in his being. He could not listen to “her” music, and he did not read. Controllers don’t read much: books “tell them what to do”, and expose how unhappy they are. Books “demand” that you sometimes lose yourself and have to sit for hours reading…  Peter would walk through the room, see that Linda was enjoying herself without him, that she had rituals; he had no ideas except for decorating the house in a way to show off to the neighbors. So he did what he does best: yardwork: controlling his home environment.

He then went into the back yard and started doing yard work, his favorite thing to do on weekends. Because this was a special day, he decided to take on a huge project: trimming back freeze bitten bushes and plants.  He had planted some wonderful , tall “prairie grasses” (sea grasses) around the pool, that turned a beautiful purple in the winter, and bent and swayed, and rustled in the wind, and sounded wonderful. They reminded Linda of the sea oats at the beach, and she told Peter that many times. This day he decided it was time to cut them back. They were not dead—they do not die in the winter. They just change, and turn colors. They were still wonderful. Peter probably noticed how much she enjoyed them. Well, this was the day they were to meet Peter. He went out and started cutting them back—and then of course they have to be raked up and bagged etc—on Christmas Eve. After about half an hour, he came in, red in the face, and said, “ You could at least come help”. He was mad. She got up, went outside, put the gloves on, and started crying. She was miserable. She was grossed out. She was disappointed. This was what he chose to do on Christmas.

So, on Christmas Eve, she was crying and bagging bushes. She really cut loose. Everything came to a head. She could not believe this was happening to her.  She was very unhappy. Peter just watched her cry and said nothing.

Another important skill to learn with a partner (a teenager, at work), especially during holidays, with new partners, during times with lots of options, is problem-solving/ exploring alternatives,  decision making. This is one of the most important skills you can use and teach in life—use in relationships. It teaches people to solve their own problems, to think; to learn how to discuss options and ideas.  Controllers try to solve everyone’s problems for them, because they have all the answers. Controllers do not use problem solving for themselves— they are very reactive and out of control; are not good at calm, logical decision making. They tend to use old, ineffective ways over and over again. Remember they think there is only one way to solve a problem or do something: their way. They have their own definitions of right and wrong, and the best way to do things. They do not think through consequences, pluses and minuses, etc.  So doing problem solving, exploring alternatives with them is very important: teaching them (yourself) to do this.

Problem solving: When things don’t go as planned it is an opportunity for teaching and learning. Life involves constant learning (or should). Controllers do not learn. They are stuck in old ways of doing things. They are fearful of trying new ways. If they try new things, they may not do well, may look stupid, things will be “out of control”. They think they are “happy” staying in their comfort zones. But they are not happy.

Being healthy and happy involves learning how to manage our lives; how to solve problems: now. We cannot do anything about what happened to us in the past. Let it go. Learn how to solve problems in the now: You, and children, will feel empowered when you are able to problem solve intelligently, and together. Problem solving, decision making teaches you to think, reason BEFORE you react or act. Each time you solve a problem, or make a decision, you will grow:

— sit at a table. Talk about the problem/( the ideas/options); try to define it;  it is your problem: how it is affecting you: your rights and your needs:

—discuss options/choices for solving the problem: let the person affected throw out options 1^st (brainstorming); then you (and others) throw out options; NEVER poo-poo someone else’s ideas; A controller would say, “that’s a bad idea; that will never work, here’s a better idea…” All ideas are valid. Learn to embrace possibilities.

—then evaluate each option: pluses, minuses; strengths weaknesses of using that option; consequences of using that option; do research if necessary;(if you cannot come up with a good option, learn to use outside resources: children and adults need to learn to use outside resources for problem solving: there is a vast amount of expertise in this world; there is no need to reinvent the wheel). Controllers do not ask others for advice, ideas, because they already have all the answers. “I don’t need to ask anyone, I know the answer”.  Say “ what will happen if we do this”? “Why is this  a good choice? Bad choice?”

—then choose an option and try it; set a time to come back and evaluate the results.

—come back to the table and evaluate; if it worked great: talk about it; if it didn’t work, pick another option.

When doing problem solving, you are communicating, “I like hearing your ideas and thoughts” “I value your input”.

Use this method also for simply discussing ideas ( exploring options), and decision making.  At Christmas time, when you are trying what to decide to do, which ideas/options to explore/do,  sit down and discuss options, pros and cons. Discuss how each of you did things in the past, what is important to you, what you can give up, and let the other person know you are interested in learning about them.

Christmas, special times, can and should be wonderful opportunities for togetherness, sharing, learning, growing, experiencing. Use it as a time also to learn if you are compatible with a special someone. Use it as a time to learn about yourself and love yourself and others.