Online dating: over 45

13 Jan 2014 1 Comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , ,

DATING

Online dating in middle age is a great thing and a frustrating, bewildering thing. Middle age, newly single women strike out into the online dating world totally unprepared, with lots of new dynamics to discover about the pool of available, middle age men, some mind-blowing and dangerous. How does a middle age woman prepare herself, learn how to do this, and find a quality relationship with a man?; find the man who has improved with age?

 I recently read a book, written by a man, attempting to help people know if a person they are dating is the right one by the second date. The book is generic, not specifying whether it is referring to men or women’s issues, and it does not refer specifically to middle age dating, or any one stage of dating. As we have discussed in previous articles, dating in middle age is much different from dating in your 20’s, 30’s, and a dating, middle age woman faces issues dynamic to dating middle age men, and women’s issues. I believe that trying to make dating generic, or trying to generalize it, does not work for middle age people, or middle age women.

I do believe you can “spot” lots of positives and negatives in the first dates, if you know what to look for, and the questions to ask. But a word of caution: if the man is lying, hiding things, manipulating you, (or is mentally/emotionally ill), you will not have a clue in the first dates. Older men who are dating, and have dated for a long time, and have become desperate, (there are lots of them), have become very good at those things. An example is a man telling you he likes all the things you like, and then when you move in with him, you find out he was lying, just to please you, and “get” you. Then he becomes his true self. These are controlling men who value lying, cheating, winning (winning you over).

So to recap, it is just as important to spot the negatives in those first dates, as it is to feel and spot the positives. And you do need to know what you are looking for. We now know that just because you are attracted to someone, he makes you feel special, wines and dines you, impresses you with all his money(which may not be true), you feel butterflies, etc., there is much more to look for, and also negatives to look for.

To summarize from past articles: What women don’t want:
Negativity: Controllers:
1) Wants to control others; judge them, criticize them; give them advice, order them around; tell them what to do, when, where, how to do it; argues a lot; is often irritated, irritable(anger, anxiety)(anger: yelling, raging); has their own definitions of right and wrong ; “my way or the highway” attitude; there is only one way to do things: my way; perceives things and people negatively; looks for mistakes;
2) Doesn’t want to be controlled, told what to do; perceives ideas and recommendations as telling them what to do, or criticizing or challenging their ideas; when you have ideas they see you as thinking you are smarter, have better ideas than them; can’t apologize; can’t admit mistakes;
3) Is not in “control” of themselves: of their actions, attitudes, words, thoughts, perceptions; their lives are often out of control: jobs, relationships; can’t handle frustration; lack of patience; so they try to control their immediate environment: house, loved ones; value turmoil (so they can use their advice skills, obtain power, and get attention); are ego-oriented: have a need for approval; never feel they are good enough(due to how they were parented);
4) Has the need to stay in “their comfort zone”. This person was given messages as a child: it is not OK to make mistakes: they develop a fear of failure; so they do not usually try new things; They feel very “safe” in their home, sometimes at work, and doing things that they have always done and are good at; they are not terribly comfortable in social situations, unless it is a sporting event; they feel control when in their car;

What Women Want:
Positive: celebrates being positive, encouraging, kind and loving; a man who is thankful and grateful for all the good things
:To know what a man’s values and beliefs are; one would be to become self-aware and learn new and better skills, attitudes, perceptions, behaviors, so that we can be happy and contribute to happiness in our relationships. We need to know what our values are. Do we/our partners value power, control, being right, being the best at the expense of others, etc.? Or do we value kindness, peace, fun, happiness, enjoying the “now”, etc.? We, as adults, have to consciously decide to be positive, notice positives, and speak positives with those we care about: be respectful and encouraging, and not try to control others.
: Men who are good communicators. Controllers don’t communicate well. They argue, tell you what to do, criticize, order, command, yell, remind, nag, threaten etc
: Men who know what it means to be a quality partner and parent; Relationship skills versus control
: How to be with a woman: Eating together; a man who is touch with feelings, intimacy, romance: 1st date: eating together: ask him to close his eyes; what does he hear; then what does he feel.
: chores to be shared, learned,…
: men who are not empty inside: are …. are not “other directed”(directed by their ego);
: men who are mentally, emotionally healthy. No OCD, anxiety, depression, anger problems; has good stress management skills and problem-solving, decision making skills.
: an equal and nurturing partnership
: “Giving”
:Men who are not cheaters; don’t have addictions: sexual addiction; addiction to porn and masturbating
Men without tempers;

A man who:
Is fun; knows how to be joyful, peaceful; open minded; likes to leave his comfort zone and try new things; is able to plan and carry out special dates and plans all through the year;
Is able to leave his comfort zone and try new things, learn new things, relax and enjoy a vacation or outing with a woman;
Has a long list of things he does, wants to do, rather than a long list of things he doesn’t do, will not do;
Is able to be in the here and now; enjoy his time with you; rather than living in fear, regret, thinking about the past and worrying about the future. ( is caught up in past anger, sadness, guilt…);
Is affectionate, appreciative, encouraging and respectful; Is respectful of your feelings and needs
Is able to feel love; is sentimental, caring, sharing; is able to do this every week; not just on special occasions;
Celebrates options, ideas, choices rather than “do it my way; my way is the only way; don’t challenge me, disagree with me”; is able to compromise;
A man who is self-aware, has done self examination over the years, and has become wiser and better; is able to talk about how he was parented; where he learned about relationships and if he has learned how to be a better partner; knows where quality relationships come from;
Values sex and making love with a woman, and knows what that means; is affectionate at other times, other than when he wants sex: playful and sensual;

DATING: Things to notice on first dates: Are they good conversationalists? Have good eye contact? Do they wait for you to talk and then argue, disagree, one-up, criticize you, question you (why did you do that?), tell you what you should’ve done and how? Do they listen to you but not add to the conversation in a positive, fun way? Do they make fun of you (criticize you), even if in a sarcastic way (attempting to be funny)? Are they complementary, kind, encouraging, say funny things? Do they talk about the surroundings, what they see, hear, feel, smell (are they sensual)? What they like; positive things about the food, etc.? Are they pleasant to the wait staff? Do they complain? Do they complain about their job? Are they happy?, Or serious, reserved? Do they concentrate more on their food and eating than on you? Do they have good table manners?
Do they seem ego directed? Rather than inner directed. Do they “brag” about who they know, how they are better than others, what they do (rather than who they are, what kind of person they are), their fancy car…
Do they look healthy? (this is especially important for older men).

Examples of questions to ask on the first dates:
What is your fondest memory of childhood? What is your most negative memory during childhood? Do you think you were parented well? Do you think your parents had a good relationship? Find out how long they were together. What do you consider a good relationship? Tell the man what you look for in a relationship, and what are red flags for you.
What do you do for fun, relaxation?, Favorite foods, drinks?, Foods you won’t eat. What’s in your refrigerator? What is your favorite trip that you have been on? Where do you want to go if your wishes were granted? Do you go on vacations?
What comes to mind when I say, “sex”?
How many times have you been married? What ended your marriages? If they have never married, ask them why they think that is. (men over 45).
Do you like your job? If you had your dream job, what would it be?
I like men who are givers. I am a giver. What do you consider “giving”? (other than material things and paying for things). Do you enjoy planning, shopping, cooking together, or do you like to be cooked for and served? I would sometimes give by cooking and serving you. Would you sometimes also give by cooking and serving me?
If you could retire and go anywhere, where would you go? Or would you stay here, why? What do you see yourself doing during retirement?
If you had a million dollars right now, what would you do?

What you won’t necessarily discover in the first 2 dates:
-If the man has a temper; has anger issues; is easily angered; perceives things/happenings/words negatively; (picks fights); seems to thrive on turmoil, problems;
-What the man is like outside of his comfort zone: is like on “vacations”, in places other than in his home and his town;
-You will discover a true control freak when you move into his space. That is his space, his comfort zone. Older men have pronounced comfort zones and are often set in their ways, especially if they have never married.

What to do in the first months:
-go someplace big and open and look at the moon, stars, or full moon…or a sunset….is he able to see, feel, experience it with you, sit still? Is he happy here, peaceful, able to “drink it all in”?
-go on a “vacation” together; does he “do the beach” well? (or the mountains, etc.); Not a golf, tennis, or fishing vacation unless you do those things also. Does he snore every night? Is he a morning person? Does he seem lost on a vacation? Does he need you to plan everything and execute everything? Does he “initiate”? Does he know “what to do with a woman” on a vacation?
So, we really can learn a lot in the first few dates with a man if we date smart, and if the man is honest and acts himself. Asking intelligent, interesting, guided questions will at least reveal if a man is interesting, can think and speak on his feet, is fun, and is open to being questioned. If he answers your questions and has none of his own, be wary. You may be able to spot control and negativity, but maybe not, if the man works hard to hide all that for now. You can at least start to get a feel for if a man will be fun, interesting, encouraging, respectful, loving, and kind.

Also, remember that there is usually a lot to talk about on first dates. Controlling, negative, boring men have a lot of general, first date questions to ask. They also love to hear about your past “problems”, past bad relationships. They like to talk about their past, bad relationships, bad bosses, etc. Then they like to solve your problems for you and talk about how they dealt with their problems and bad people. Nothing is ever their fault of course. So, it is good to not talk about those things on first dates. Talk about positive things, the here and now, how you are feeling(your senses), the above questions and issues.

You will only find out when a man is “boring” when those first dates are past, the general, “tell me about yourself” questions are done, and a man has to actually communicate, be interesting, fun, affectionate, and positive.

Relationships: How to be with a woman: Eating together

12 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: ,

It is almost Valentine’s Day, and many couples will “go out to eat”.

They say giving a man great food is a way to his heart. Sharing a meal with a woman, fully, with social etiquette is a way to a woman’s heart. It is a social and/or romantic happening. Often it is a “date”, and should be a date even if you are married. You can (and should)  make sharing a meal at home a social and/or romantic happening also. Often, however, men don’t know how to be with women. They are not taught social graces, social skills by their parents, nor how to be with a woman in a pleasurable or romantic way.  (social graces, table manners, also apply when you are eating with others). In middle age dating, it seems many men have never learned how to be with a woman; eat with a woman, converse with a woman at a dinner table. Many middle age men are used to being with men, or by themselves, eating, and don’t see any need to use manners, and have no need to converse in an interesting, intelligent, romantic, positive way.

Many men go out on “first” dates, to dinner, and then say that the woman does not want to go out with them again. This can happen for many reasons, but table manners, conversation, social skills are just a few things that can give a bad impression. So here are a few pointers for men:  Sharing a meal can be a wonderful “thing” to do with women, for men who say they don’t know what to do with women; how to be with a woman in a quality way:

The goals when eating with a woman are sharing good company, focusing mostly on the woman, not the food,  having a pleasant social experience, good conversation, good sharing of food and wine experience, an opportunity to sit next to one another(not across from one another) without distractions and just share an hour of eye contact, hand contact, and charming a woman. It can be very intimate!  Let go of these goals:(you learned as a child or when eating with men): to see who can finish faster, to see how much food you can shovel into your mouth in 10 minutes, to lick up every last drop(not waste food).

Please use table manners: chew with your mouth closed; hold your fork like a fork, not like a shovel. Do not shovel food into your mouth, smacking as you go, getting your mouth as close as possible to the plate; do not push food onto your fork with your fingers; do not put elbows on the table as you shovel; do not sop up your food and clang your fork/spoon 20 times on the plate/bowl at the end to get every drop; do not clean your teeth with your tongue or pick your teeth with a toothpick or anything else; do not hang a toothpick out of your mouth.

Put your fork down periodically, chew, breathe, talk, touch; share the food experience…

For women, eating together can be quality time, foreplay, sensuous. Many men go into automatic when they see food, regressing back to the caveman days when food was scarce and something to fight over, and pig down; or back to childhood where food and meals have all sorts of dynamics and connotations attached.  Eating together is just one example of how to be with a woman consciously, and not go into automatic or your subconscious habits and ways. Men know how to be with a woman at night in bed but during the day, every activity can be a wonderful experience filled with touching, kissing, hugging, eye contact, sitting close, sharing conversation and experiences, focusing on the other person, GIVING as well as taking, playing, putting effort into being with the person fully. If you are not good at it, you must focus, try, learn new behaviors and attitudes.

Another skill to learn is to focus on beauty and romantic things around you: the atmosphere, surroundings, the moon, candles, the place, the woman’s beauty, and senses being stimulated, smells, tastes, touch, sights, sounds (music), the sound of her voice, how you feel… say positive things, of her, the food, the waiter, etc….”I love…”

In New Orleans, eating out is a way of life, associated with great food, wine, music, company, sharing, finding a new place every month; it is a total food/life experience usually enjoyed with much gusto, joy and pleasure. SO, eating out with a date (or partner) in New Orleans is an easy way to enjoy time with each other. Make a point to find a new place at least monthly, or go back and enjoy a favorite with your love interest. The Gambit regularly publishes a list of the best restaurants, and best new restaurants,  including the top 100!  www.bestofneworleans.com .

Most of us, as adults, want to learn how to be better in relationships with the opposite sex. It takes, many times, learning new skills, behaviors, attitudes and examining and letting go of childhood ways, or the ways of our parents if they were not good. It takes, learning, exploring, growing, listening, watching, reading… or we can continue to operate in automatic, oblivious to the world, especially the world of romance and wonderful new experiences. Going out to eat, going out on dates, can and should be a special time. In New Orleans, dining out is a total experience; the food, all the stages of the experience(courses), sharing meals,  treating the taste buds and the soul, the atmosphere, the cocktails and wine, the music, the conversation with our partner, the waiters, the chefs, etc., getting dressed up… respecting the experience, your date, the restaurant, by showing respect, appreciation, asking questions, enjoying learning. Or you can go, eat…eat quickly, silently, wolfing it down, instead of savoring it. Learning how to savor the experience, the person you are with, is a wonderful thing. Do you focus on filling your belly or the total experience, and  being a great date? Eating with your love, going to the beach with your love: these are all examples of learning how to be a great partner, lover.

 

 

 

 

 

A unique and loving Valentine’s Day

12 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: ,

We have talked about how to use special days, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New  Years  to examine the ways we relate to our loved ones and improve;  how to become focused on love, encouragement, being positive, talking about and showing what we really value and believe; improve our thoughts, attitudes, words, behaviors: how to “grow up”, grow, become wiser, and live our lives consciously, rather than unconsciously, in “automatic”.

The first step is to get out of “automatic”. We need to go through each day consciously aware of being loving, kind, positive, with positive attitudes. We should not do it “as our parents did it” (unless they had a long and very loving relationship and showed us love outwardly, unconditionally);  we must examine our past parenting, and how our parents showed love to one another(or didn’t show love to one another), know what was quality, what was not quality, and how it affected us and our words, behaviors, attitudes.  We have talked about “controlling” people and that they are that way because of their parenting.  We do not want to be with controlling people unless they have gotten counseling.  So, again those are the basics.

We have to “grow up” first in order to love and be loved, romantically. That is work we must do ourselves; then go into a relationship. We must take responsibility for our own thoughts, actions, words, feelings, and know them, and be able to feel deeply.  We cannot play the roles of “mother” or “father” in a loving relationship. It will not work. Each person has to be at a place where they take responsibility for their own mature behavior, and let the other person be themselves. Grownups make responsible choices for their behavior and words: to be loving and to receive love. Then we grow in relationships. It is everyday things that matter most in a loving relationship, not the big events.  Do you only show love, give cards, buy flowers on Valentine’s Day?  If so, your relationship is lacking. We need to daily show kindness, politeness, consideration, thoughtfulness, relate(communicate) daily, encouragement, joy, intellectual sharing, emotional sharing, doing things together, sharing activities, interests; and let go of negatives. If you are not loving, and receiving love daily, then those “symbols” like flowers, candy, cards, become meaningless, empty; because they are “symbols” of your ongoing, everyday, love and actions towards one another.

This Valentine’s Day can look like this:    The day or week before:  sit down with your partner, “I love you very much. I want to discuss this Valentine’s Day. I want it to be different and better; the beginning for our daily expression of love. I think I have been in “automatic” in our relationship; not conscious daily of what goes into a loving relationship, and putting forth effort to show you how much I love you.  I would like for both of us to get off early  and spend the evening together, at home. (if there are children, get a babysitter).  What do you think? Do you have any ideas?”    Always pause after major thoughts and give time for your partner to respond.  “Let’s sit here and do some visioning, wishing, imaging, dreaming, of what we would like to do that night”. Sit in silence, and then share what your thoughts are/were.  “These are my thoughts. I would like to prepare a few surprises for you for when you come home. I would like for us to go grocery shopping together the day before and buy food for the Day. We must buy a decadent dessert; discuss recipes and how we will prepare the food; On Valentine’s I would like for us to cook together, eat together, with wine, candle light. I want us to sit together , with soft music, candlelight, facing one another and just look into each other’s eyes, touch all parts of our body(leaving out sex parts for now), and just “be”; no need to talk unless you want to.  Then talk about our past, our future, the now; what we are feeling, what I love about you, give compliments; be able to feel the compliment , receive it with love and say thank you;  review us, if we want to; share hopes, dreams, values; share what you want your daily lives to look like in love; talk about activities you can start doing together;(for instance, working out together at a gym or at home, or outside, can be very sexy: watching that guy/gal huffing and puffing, flexing muscles: great!)  what brings you joy;  touch while talking; kiss and hug when you feel like it; then when you are through talking, listening, touching, give each other a massage, with soft music, massage oil that smells wonderful…  ask what they like while massaging.  Make a vow to touch every day, and to kiss(really long kisses) and hug each day. Smile, laugh. Your gifts to your partner are smiles, thoughts, compliments, listening, touch, a massage. Try to recite your own “card”, and/or draw/write a card. Saying “I love you” is a gift. Allow yourselves to sit in stillness and reflect; talk if you want to. Learn to be in stillness with one another and think; look at one another.   “I want to let go of negativity, negative attitude, words, thoughts and express positives to you each day.”  “I will not try to control you, dominate you, judge you.”  “If I find I need to get help, I will.”  “I will love you every day; think of you and our love every day; put effort into it every day.”  “When we have problems we will talk about them lovingly; do problem-solving if necessary.”

YOU are the gift, the present to your partner! Every day! You don’t have to wrap yourself up in red wrappings(unless you want to!) but you do have to put in love, make yourself attractive to him/her, be “giving” each day. Material things are nice but not what truly will make you loving, or make you feel loved.

Make love at the end of the night if you want to. (you will want to)

The next day, reflect about your Valentine’s Day! ; what you loved about it! Say “thank you”.

 

 

Valentine’s Day- A day of Love

12 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: ,

We have another special day to celebrate love, relationships; to show the specialness of rituals and traditions.  Human beings want to love and be loved.  Some of us are equipped to love and be loved; some of us are not.  We have been talking about characteristics of people who do well in relationships, and of those who do not. Those who do not do well are raised by negative, unloving parent(s). They are often controllers in relationships.  We must know if our parents were unloving, unaffectionate, unaccepting, unappreciative; if they were negative, dominating, poor communicators, controllers, poor problem-solvers.  We have talked about loving yourself(but letting go of ego).  We cannot give love fully, or receive love fully if we do not love ourselves.  So this is always the first step: self awareness;  To know where we came from, examine it, then let it go and forgive; then learn new skills, attitudes and become a loved and loving person.  In order to love and be loved we must be willing to be vulnerable, to feel feelings, emotions deeply, and express them deeply. 

Following are the skills, attitudes, behaviors we must learn and use in order to be loving and loved:

These are the basics that we have talked about over and over. That is what we have to do as imperfect humans: think about positives every day; how to love and be loved daily:

Be open and vulnerable, able to feel all feelings deeply: joy, love, fear, grief, frustration; to be able to laugh and cry with a special person; to risk; to put your heart and soul “out there”.

Use unconditional Love:  I love you all the time; not just when you are “good”; unconditional love includes communicating when there are disagreements using respect, courtesy, good stress management, good communication, touching, reflecting feelings, good problem solving skills.  Let go of “I am right”:  

  • acceptance, “I accept you as you are”;
  • allowing people to just be: allowed to make mistakes;
  • show appreciation to people and to yourself: for who you are; for what you do to help: “I appreciate you”;  “thank you”; show gratitude each day;
  • give attention (positive): spend time together, have fun together;  if you are parents, go out on a date at least every other weekend; take care of your relationship: “the couple that plays together stays together”;
  • love (show love; say “I love you”); I love you regardless of how many mistakes you make, etc; (but I do not tolerate abuse);
  • kindness; encouragement;  patience. Let go of control. Forgive yourself and forgive others. Let go of irritability, anger, fear, ego. Say, “I’m sorry”. These are powerful words; very courageous. Controllers think these words show weakness;
  • respect: “I respect you; I will respect your thoughts, feelings, words, ideas, right to not be yelled at…”;”I respect YOU; I like you”;  “I respect your rights and your needs”. Peter’s definition of respect was opening doors for Linda. He had been told by his father to respect women. But he didn’t know what that meant. So he saw his father opening doors for his mother and thought that was it. He also saw his father belittling his mother, ordering her around, criticizing, arguing with her… When you constantly belittle or argue with a partner/child, you are not showing respect;
  • celebrate the wonders of this world with your partner (child); connect with nature and learn to enjoy simple things, simple wonders; experience joy;
  • ­­­­­affection:  give affection each day; not just affection aimed at “getting sex” ; intimacy on a regular basis; not just seductive affection; affection for good times and in bad times;

 Valentine’s Day, as with all “special days”, can also be a time for examination and reflection for setting new goals for love.  Set goals for improvement.   Special days with emphasis can be days that jump up and hit us in the face; wake us up to life and how we are doing.  Linda went shopping for Valentine’s cards for her husband of many years.  She was reading hundreds of cards looking for “just the right one”.  She started crying. She could not find one to express what her relationship looked like; what love looked like in her relationship; how she “felt”. There was no love left in the relationship. For years she and her husband “settled on” funny cards. They could not give a card saying, “I love you with all my heart and soul”, “you are my best friend and lover”, and all the other “mushy” things that cards say. Reading the cards made them realize that their love was dying on the vine.  They did not say it to one another anymore. There was no love expressed in their marriage.  It was time to get help or get out. There was no love, joy, affection, kindness, appreciation, intimacy expressed or felt.

Loving involves putting forth effort every day to love and be loved, to be positive and let go of negatives. Loving people has the effect of helping them to improve, to be better people. Being negative, critical, neutral, unloving, judgmental and dominating causes a person to withdraw, feel shame, fear and feel bad. It is not enough to “fall in love”.  We want to continue the feeling of loving and being loved each day, even in this imperfect world with our imperfect lives.  Love can be our haven from stress and strain, love can be wondrous. It should be a place to grow and learn, not to feel bad.

 

Relationships: Prevention and enhancement via positives, in relationships and in parenting

10 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Uncategorized

 In relationships, in parenting, we should not let things lapse into focusing on negatives: how to fight fair, how to deal with problems, how to communicate when there is a problem, how to deal with misbehavior. Why do we seek help when there is a problem, or when problems have gotten to a critical stage? Why do we not learn and read how to do relationships and parenting well, positively, preventively, so that we build a wonderful thing from the beginning and hold on to it?; so that we can build wonderful children and relationships, and not just pay attention when things go wrong, or let things get really bad? When we focus on negatives, we may get through negative times, but we are not building wonderful times.

If we are raised by negative parents, it is likely that we are somewhat negative people; focusing on negatives, problems, things that are wrong, need to be fixed, people doing things “wrong”. We probably have negative attitudes, perceive things negatively; complain, judge people negatively, correct people, cut people down, tell people what to do… These parents don’t focus on being positive, preventive, effective parents. They focus on misbehavior and what to do about it after it occurs, fixing it, problems with the child (waiting for problems to occur), criticizing the child, telling them what they did wrong after they did it. 

Positive, effective parents do things like:

-learn stress management and how to have positive attitudes and expectations; realistic expectations of children; read about babies and children, so that they know what to expect at each stage

-communicate the rules beforehand and tell the kids what the consequences will be

-train the kids when you assign a task, before they do it; then supervise, do problem-solving, then turn it over to them; then encourage; tell them what they are doing right, improving upon, etc.

-teach kids stress management and problem-solving

-lots of positives during the day

-let them do lots of things on their own, with training and encouragement

-structure for success: routines, rituals, expectations, activities that children succeed at; playing with children

-have family meetings and let kids help assign chores, do decision making, etc.

-model positivity, talk without anger and temper, use good stress management; have wonderful conversations with their children and spouses; do not talk poorly about other people in front of the children; do not let children talk poorly of other people

-understand what kids are capable of; developmental stages; and how to help them successfully through stages …

Learning how to communicate, including when feeling resentment or that something negative has happened is so important; using good stress management, getting rid of temper, anger etc. ; but I would go a step farther and say that too often we focus on the negatives; how to deal with negatives, how to fight fair, etc. Marriages are going to have “fights”; but a way to prevent, and build up positive feelings, and defuse negatives, is to make sure couples do positives each day:

  Affection: A kiss good morning

 A long hug and sign of affection in the afternoon

 A compliment

 A love note during the day

 Appreciation: A kind, encouraging word; saying thank you; gratitude for …

 Attention: A thoughtful gesture

…and then on weekends we need to add lots of fun, affection during the day!

With children, the list of positives we say, do, to our children each day should also be longer than the negatives: Affection, Appreciation, Attention, Acceptance (I accept you as you are);

 We have to learn how to be POSITIVE, preventive people/parents.If we make sure our positives each day outnumber our negatives, including perceiving things negatively, seeing things negatively… then the negatives are less likely to occur, and will be less volatile when they do occur. When we are not happy we tend to see things negatively, have negative attitudes; our partner can’t do anything right… soooo we need to focus on positives; doing positive things, encouraging one another… When we are negative, controlling parents, our children will become negative, unhappy, misbehaving children. In life, we build wonderful lives by being, thinking, speaking positively. We cannot let negative parents, people, society, news, drag us into negativity. One of my favorite books is Raising Positive Kids in a Negative World by Zig Ziglar. I encourage everyone to read books on building great relationships and parenting, and not wait until you have to go to a counselor who will focus on problem solving and diagnosing, after the fact, or to a divorce court. It is much easier and more fun to structure for success and love, than to clean up messes. If you are an adult raised by negative parents, you can read in order to re-parent yourself and become positive and loving, including loving yourself(without ego).

 

 

What you can control: for quality relationships

09 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: ,

 

In this new year, we look for things we can change or do better. We’ve learned there are things we cannot change, like the past, other people, and that it’s best to focus on now. Now is really the only thing we can change. It’s really important to know what you can and cannot change, and focus on what you can change, if it needs changing: and to focus on YOU. The easiest and best things to be in control of are: your thoughts, beliefs, your truths and trying to understand other’s truths, attitudes, words that come out of your mouth, actions.

Even in relationships, if we focus on us, the relationships will be better. In parenting, if we focus on our parenting style: positive, encouraging, fun, communicative, planful, disciplined, active, responsible, guiding, teaching, being good managers, being preventive, being balanced(not hovering and not being distant), using good stress management, learning how to do it well; we will automatically produce “better” children. Instead of doing it badly, waiting until our children misbehave, or are irresponsible, and then reacting, punishing, and yelling, we focus on our role as a quality parent. It makes parenting much more effective, easier, and less stressful. We must let go of old, ineffective, negative attitudes, and must learn how to do it: “that child will obey me”, “I will not let that child inconvenience me”, “I will do what I want and how I want it, and the child will do what I want, and do it how I want it” (even though I don’t teach, train, encourage, tell them the rules and consequences), “I will show power and wisdom, and teach, by telling them when they do something wrong, how to do it better. I don’t allow mistakes”.

The same is true in romantic relationships. If we focus on ourselves, and learning how to do it better, and talk about it with our partner, we will hopefully produce a better relationship. But do remember that if you try and try, and do mostly the right things, and your relationship does not improve, the other person does not do their part, it is time to get help. Do not shove feelings and problems under the rug. Remember you cannot change the other person. If the other person will not get help, it is time to leave the relationship. If you find that you are giving and giving, and not getting in return, it is time to get help. We are not talking about giving money, flowers, things, having a job, as giving. We are talking about giving, without the other person asking, of yourself, your time, affection, time spent planning and scheduling, time spent scheduling dates, weekends(equal time for recreation for each partner: alone, with your partner, with the children), equal time spent managing the house, meals, and children, etc., appreciation, communicating, showing joy in the relationship, time spent encouraging, time and attention to keeping a family calendar and remembering important dates and events, time spent thinking about how you can show love and appreciation and then doing it, time spent on “family engineering”. Watch out for attitudes like: “that’s how men are”, “men have to do that to be happy”, “that’s how his father did it, so it must be OK, or I must live with it”.

Relationships involve two people. They require the desire to work on it and study it together.  It has to work for both people. Any behavior that negatively affects your rights and needs is not OK. If he is taking care of his wants and needs, and not also focusing on yours, it is not a quality relationship. So, you must voice your needs, rights, wants, feelings in a calm, respectful, planful way. We must also take care of ourselves. Each person needs to handle their own health and wellness: physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, intellectual. But it is nice if your partner is supportive and you work together to promote wellness together. In a relationship everything is better if you “do it” together. That is the whole purpose behind being in a loving relationship. If your partner makes it impossible for you to take care of yourself, including meeting wants, it is time to get help. For instance, if he goes off on weekends and takes care of his wants and needs, but refuses to stay home(with kids)  while you go off and take care of your wants and needs, on a regular basis, it is a problem. It’s called taking turns, sharing, compromising. All this should be planned in family meetings every month. Then you don’t have to “ask”, beg, complain, bring things up at the last minute. Relationships, romantic and parenting, require time management, planning, talking, fun, showing love and encouragement, respect, giving and taking, and compromise. Remembering to be respectful is so important;  to children as well as to partners.

What most women want: men who love

08 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags:

What most women want:  men who love

“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”   Paulo Coelho

What do many women look for when dating over the age of 45?  What do we notice and look for when we read online dating profiles of men over 45?  One of the first things we notice in profiles is that men must think we are looking for “laid back and easy-going”. MANY men say this in their first sentence. Then they want us to know that they enjoy “fishing, golf, hunting”.  Then they want us to know that they want a good-looking woman.

Online dating is a good way to do research on men. It gives us a huge number of men over 45 who are single and looking. As I see the huge numbers of the above quotes I begin to wonder if these men really describe themselves this way, if they really think this is the way to attract great women, or if they have just read other men’s profiles and see this as a popular way that many men describe themselves.  I also begin to wonder if these men have really put a lot of thought into what they really want in a relationship, what they have done wrong in the past, and what type of women they are not compatible with.  These profiles have been done quickly and easily. Many other profiles are short and unsweet, with many, “thinking of something to say”, or “I’ll tell you later”. Some of them have no pictures, and virtually no content. They expect the woman to have a pic and talk, but it is OK if the man does not share, and cannot think and talk, and is unattractive.  I advise women to delete these profiles, unless they are looking for “just a companion”, a warm body, with no substance and depth.

Another thing to look for in a profile is the age range of women the men are looking for. If they are looking for women at least 10 years younger than them, then they are probably looking for arm candy and sex, as the most important things. So you may be automatically out of the running, and you should want to be!

Not many men say, “I am looking for love.”  We have to remember that the reason many of us are online is to look for quality relationships. For many of us women, when we see the above descriptions we scratch our heads, and see, “man looking for good and faithful dog, companion.”  But then the men say, “…someone to go out to dinner with and to a movie”. Ah-hah, dogs can’t do those things. Do they just want a companion, and that’s all? Of course arm candy is nice as well as good sex.

It seems that perhaps some men think they have to define themselves as a “man” and have old outdated ways of defining “men”. So they look at what other men say about themselves. Many men who are unsure of themselves look at other “men” and what they are doing in order to define manhood. These men are ego oriented and have weak egos.

But most single women over 45 are looking for more. We want real love, warmth and pleasure in a relationship, above and beyond good sex.  Chemistry is important, but other things are also important. I should mention that some women are just looking for men with money. In those cases, it doesn’t matter what a man’s profile says, or what the pic looks like. If he puts down a high income, he will have lots of women respond, from all over the world!

Most women over 45 want in a romantic relationship: love, making love, mindfulness about the relationship, wisdom and knowledge, loving learning, positive words and attitudes, a good communicator and listener, a positive approach to life and to this country and the world, warmth, kindness, lots of affection apart from sex, fun, respect for our needs, feelings, and wants, and giving.

So how can a man do these things in romantic relationships if he has not done them in 25 years?  One of the best ways is to become mindful of what makes up a good romantic relationship. If he did not see this from his parents then he needs to either read or get help.  One of the worse things we can do is go into automatic using our parents as a model.   If you did not see your parents actively involved in a really good relationship then you have to relearn relationships. We now know that many people in long relationships say that they are not really happy. It has become a relationship of convenience, or one where the people stay together out of fear.  If you did not see your parents:  openly affectionate, kissing, hugging, saying “I love you”, openly involved in good conversation, having fun as a couple, going out on dates,  giving and taking, with each of them giving to the other, then you did not see a good relationship.  If you saw a man who came home and expected to be waited on, did not sit and converse with his wife, have fun with his wife, touch his wife, laugh with his wife; instead gave orders, was negative, critical, you did not see a good relationship. If you saw lots of fighting, arguing, angry, quiet, unhappy people, you will have to relearn relationships.

Lastly, you did not see your parents having or not having sex, so you just need to know that good romantic relationships involve frequent sex and making love.  You may have to read books by professionals to learn what making love means.  It is a major giving and taking, feeling and sharing. Making love, giving love and receiving love, speaking of love, is also something you may have to learn if you did not feel loved by your parents, or never saw love between your parents. If you never learned how to feel deep feelings, or give, you will have to learn how to do this.  A common problem in long relationships is the lack of sex, making love, touch, affection. It is safe to say that those are not quality romantic relationships.  An important part of sex and making love involves “foreplay”; affection and playfulness, touch, during the days. It involves feeling love and loved. If you never saw these things between your parents, you can assume their love making was not good or non-existent. Why would you want to repeat these ways?

Women who are doing online dating over the age of 45 report that the men who say they are “laid back and easy-going”  actually:   want to do it as their father did it, or as they did it in all their relationships: come home, do as they please, get served dinner and have someone to do chores, have someone to arrange and plan everything and go to dinner  and a movie with them; understand that they will go fishing on weekends, or do what they want to do, then relax and watch TV and have a beer; they want no demands, complaining, etc.  They are laid back and easy going as long as they can do as they please, and someone takes care of them, and does not challenge them, or argue with them, and gives them sex when they want it.  We can also add boring to the list. Quality romantic relationships involve couples having fun together, laughing together; with each partner planning quality time together, and couples sharing quality conversations and learning and growing together, sharing deep thoughts as well as light moments.

We want love, warmth and pleasure in our romantic relationships, which involves each partner being mindful each day about how they can contribute to a quality relationship. We do not want “laid back and easy-going” unless that includes,  “and giving lots to insure that our love grows and flourishes.” Mindfulness includes realizing daily how much you love your partner, thinking about it, and speaking it, feeling it. When this stops, the relationship is in trouble. We want men who strive to be better at relationships; who strive to be better. We want relationships that grow and become better over the years, rather than those that die on the vine.

 

The parenting relationship produces you and your relationships

05 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags:

The parenting relationship produces you and your relationships

We need to become aware of parenting practices, behaviors, techniques, attitudes that produce healthy, happy people, not controllers. (These same techniques work in all relationships). Our goal should be to be self-disciplined and responsible (not controlled or controlling), and for our children to be self-disciplined and responsible. Our parents build either a self-disciplined child or a “controlled” child (actually out of control), who is only in control, “disciplined”, when around authority figures. Controlled people tend to sneak around, lie, and manipulate. Controlled children usually “cut loose” when they leave home and are no longer under the controllers’ control. They are not self-disciplined. Many “controlled” children flounder for many years when they leave home.  Our reaction to our children’s behavior determines whether it stays or goes: our behavior has to change too.

Again, effective parenting means raising self-disciplined, responsible children who can go off on their own and be successful and happy: successful in their career (if they choose one) and in relationships. It involves knowing the tools to discipline, communicate, encourage, love, etc. Again, some parents think the way to parent is to “model” proper behavior, and that it will “rub off” on their kids; won’t happen! Raising “nice, polite” kids is nice, but NOT enough. If all you do is sit around and “model” behavior you have missed the boat. Then when your child’s behavior is out of control, you will punish. This will not work. That is called passive, lazy, uninvolved parenting; and it does not work. Parenting has to be active, informed, positive, effective and teaching children life skills, values, etc.  Modeling is a small part of parenting. The more tools and knowledge you have in your skillset the easier parenting is. Knowledge also helps you to relax and not be stressed out. Reading books on parenting is something all parents should do.

Controlling parents sit around and exercise lazy, passive parenting: dictatorial. “You will do as I say”; ( the only problem is they usually forget to tell the child the rules). They usually don’t “lay down the rules” until the child has done something wrong.  They do assume that the child will watch them and do as they do. The problem is, the child sees them being passive, negative, ordering the mother around, ordering them around, yelling, correcting everyone, criticizing everyone, arguing etc. The child learns these behaviors also.

So we want to discipline, not use rewards and punishment, which causes a child to be “other” directed: you do things to get rewards and to avoid punishment instead of because: doing good things, doing well, improvement feels good inside; doing the wrong thing causes consequences, natural and logical, (being inner-directed).  A controller uses rewards and punishment, devised by them, because it is a way to control the child. Punishment is ineffective and so usually escalates and becomes severe punishment or even rage. Punishment/threats can end up erasing a sense of trust and security in a child: “If you do this you are out of here”, or “I will hurt you”: builds fear.  The child then forgets about feeling bad about his act, but rather is “mad” at the parent (resentful) for the unfairness, meanness, hurt. “I don’t trust you; you hurt me”. And punishment spurns revenge. “I will get back at you”. “I will hide from you and lie to avoid severe, unfair punishment”. The tendency to lie is born when a parent uses punishment instead of discipline.  Rewards, praise and punishment are used by controllers as ways to control children (and others). These controllers value perfectionism, being the best, being better than others, materialism; they focus on mistakes, negative possibilities and the end results—such as winning; do not focus on process, creativity, and thought processes. Praise tends to compare children with other children, especially siblings: one is better than the other. This is not good. Siblings will always be different from one another. You cannot compare children. Each is unique with their own strengths and weaknesses.  Encouragement focuses on the strengths of each.

Positive, effective parenting utilizes encouragement, consequences for behavior: both positive and negative behaviors;  communication of rules and consequences up front; communication of expectations; training; good communication and listening; prevention of misbehavior and irresponsibility;  recognizing , discussing and accepting all feelings; teaching and practicing stress management; speaking respectfully; teaching responsibility and values; teaching problem solving and decision making; fun and positives every day; expressing love and appreciation each day; celebrating the wonders of this world with your  child (partner); connect with nature and learn to enjoy simple things, simple wonders; experience joy; kindness and patience.  More on these in future articles.

 

 

 

Encouragement: a relationship skill that controllers lack

05 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags:

Encouragement: a relationship skill that controllers lack

In the last article we talked about encouragement: what it is. “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.”  We must find ourselves, and find the ability to appreciate beauty, talent, and uniqueness. Controllers are unable to let their breath be taken; they are too “controlled”.  A controller would look at a rose and feel nothing; have no desire to smell it, touch it. He would only see the thorns and notice that it would be dead soon and need to be cut to keep his garden neat. Remember the old adage that we have to take the thorns with the beauty of the rose; that life is like a rose with beauty and thorns; it is a package deal. A controller only sees the thorns: the things “wrong”; sees how God could’ve done better. This is the way controllers look at children (and at you);  Lots of imperfections!  And “I am great at spotting your imperfections!” ( I am smart and talented).  “I can tell you how to improve!”

A controller would look at a beach and not feel anything; nothing on that beach will take their breath away. A controller looks at children and sees imperfect beings needing lots of instruction and advice; someone who messes up his house and his world. The beauty, wonder, and joy of children will never take his breath away. A controller can practice getting in touch with beauty (and stress management) by sitting in front of a rose: focus only on the rose and its beauty, smell, touch; try to see every petal, every remarkable shape, color change, texture change…everything! Look at the stem, its twists and turns, the thorns, the pattern they are in; let go of all thoughts of the past and future; be in the now; breathe. Do not let your thoughts drift to negatives; negative judgment etc.

Remember, praise is reserved for things well done. It is fake with 2-4 year olds because they don’t do things “very well”; certainly not up to an adult controller’s standards. So, young kids don’t get much “praise” from controllers. They do get lots of advice and criticism: advice after having done a task (having done it “wrong”). We need to use encouragement with young children, and all people. An example of encouragement: my 4 year old daughter brought home a “drawing” from preschool. She said,  “ Here mom. Here is my artwork from today”. It looked like she had folded it 4 ways and scribbled different colors in each of 4 squares. A negative, controller would either put it down without saying anything (because it is not very good, or not worth commenting about: they are disappointed), or say, “ You should not have even bothered; it looks like scribbles”, “what is it?”,(laugh at it), or ”you should try to make it look like something, put more effort into it”, or even use praise: “that’s great”, which is meaningless and fake. The child would then either grab it and throw it away, or quit trying to do artwork at school. The child will be angry at you; feel criticized: all bad.

A positive, encourager would look at it for a while trying to think like a 4 year old, try to imagine what it could be, what thought went into it, if any; and if maybe no thought went into it, you can put some thought into it and teach creativity for the next time.  Say, “ This looks like the 4 seasons to me. I see fall colors in this square, summer, winter, spring colors in these squares. Is that what you saw?” Encouragement teaches you to focus on all the good things in life and teach them to your children. It opens up communication instead of cutting it off. It teaches the child to self-evaluate and self-praise.  My daughter said,  “yea, mom that’s what it is”, with enthusiasm. It teaches you to celebrate children and what they are all about. You may be an adult already who appreciates Picasso and all the greats. But when we have children we have to learn to appreciate children, and celebrate the wonders of childhood; to use enjoyment and enthusiasm.  Encouragement says, “ I enjoy being with you, listening to you”.  Encouragement teaches unconditional love: my love is not tied to good behavior; you doing it the best; Even when I’m correcting you I love you. Not, “I love you only when you do what I say”.  We become teachers, leaders, and managers as parents. Think about it; teachers, leaders, and managers don’t criticize people; focus on negativity and all those negative things controlling parents do. Controlling parents don’t teach anything but negativity, the need to control and have power over others, the “I can’t do it attitude”. They do not build the “courage to be imperfect”.

Controllers can’t encourage because they don’t see the goodness of life, of beauty, of children, of people they are in relationships with; don’t know what to value and encourage. They do not have realistic expectations of people and beauty, this world, and  have controllers’ attitudes: “I wanna do it myself: I do it better; it is better done by me”;  “She needs to do it “right” (like I do it)”. Controllers don’t have(see) opportunities for encouragement; often don’t have things/activities in their lives to encourage(like fun): more in the next article.

When a child(partner) is: working hard, contributing, being kind, having fun, putting forth effort, being “good”, thinking something through, exercising stress management,  being happy, improving,  etc., it is time to encourage!  It is not time to criticize! It is our job to notice and find those times, and create those times. When a child(partner) is having a hard time, is frustrated, etc., it is time to encourage! It is not time to tell them what they did wrong, tell them how to do it better(training/problem solving can be done later); use reflective listening(understand how they are feeling); listen and hug.

Control in a relationship comes from the parenting relationship

05 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags:

Control in a relationship comes from the parenting relationship

So, quality relationships come from two people getting together who were parented in a quality way. Control in a relationship comes from one (or two) person entering a relationship who was parented in a non-quality way.

There is an epidemic of controlling people, mostly men, in this society. It is mostly men because the cycle begins with fathers being dictatorial and controlling with their sons. They tend to be harder on their sons than on their daughters. They want to make sure their sons become strong, forceful, and “the best”. These fathers value the wrong things/traits in their sons. But mostly these fathers were fathered this way. The cycle of unhappy men is carried on from generation to generation by poor parenting—poor fathering. We tend to parent the way that we were parented unless we learn how to do it differently. The only way we learn to do it differently, or want to do it differently, or even realize we need to do it differently, is by realizing that we are unhappy;  that we are not doing well in relationships, and not doing well in life, and that was caused by very poor parenting—usually by our fathers. That is not to discount the dysfunction that can come from our mothers. But here we are talking about control mainly.

What is missing with controlling men is knowing how to develop and keep a strong relationship with a woman. What is missing is knowing how to enjoy the moment and be happy in “the now”. Controlling men are in “perfect” control when they are in their houses alone, or driving alone, or on the computer alone, or at work, as long as they get along with their bosses, or don’t have bosses. Many controllers end up having their own businesses because they cannot handle authority figures. But they want a companion to do things with. This companion is fine as long as they do what the man wants to do, how he wants it done, believes as the man believes, and doesn’t have ideas. Then the man has to be in control of another person—and it is a big job if that person is living with him. And he doesn’t mind having to be in control, except his job of dictating, judging, correcting, scolding, arguing becomes a full-time job. This is fine as long as the woman listens and doesn’t talk back or get mad. But if the woman talks back, or has ideas, he becomes unhappy—and so does she. Happiness for controlling men hinges on being in control—being in their comfort zone. These men do not know how to just be with a person—just have fun, interesting, playful, meaningful conversations—especially with women. They seem to have fun when with men, discussing or participating in sports (if they are raised on sports), or at work with other competitive men—men who sit around criticizing others, criticizing their wives, criticizing the politicians who don’t think like them…but they never learned how to just be with people—women, children, all people.

Happiness involves positive attitudes, self-acceptance, and acceptance of others as they are. These men’s controlling fathers did not model how to be successfully with a woman. They probably saw their fathers being cold, unaffectionate, unaccepting —ordering their mothers around, arguing, criticizing, expecting to be waited on. They did not see their fathers having fun with their mothers, giving affection regularly. Controlling men were raised by controlling fathers (and sometimes controlling mothers).But the scenario is usually controlling father, unhappy mother.

We need to be aware of where we came from and what effect it had on us, and on those we date. Once we are aware then we can become aware of specific “practices”, behaviors, parenting techniques that either produce healthy people or controlling people. Then we can re-parent ourselves if need be, and stay away from controllers: more in future articles.

 

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