RELATIONSHIPS; WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDREN

In my book, http://www.amazon.com/FLIP-SIDE-BEAUTY-BEAST-journey-ebook/dp/B00OEXSN2Q/ref=la_B00O0DZHI8_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1415926609&sr=1-1  , The Flip Side of Beauty and the Beast, I discuss the reality of coming across men, when we are over 50, who are “beauties” on the outside, but beasts on the inside: liars, cheaters, manipulators, mean, narcissistic, control freaks, shallow, mindless, …  The flip side involves hoping for a man, a companion, who is not necessarily a beauty on the outside, but is kind, loving, respectful, encouraging, intelligent and has emotional intelligence: ability to control their emotions, words, actions, anxiety (mindfulness); persist in the face of frustration, regulate his moods, control impulse, and to empathize… is good on the inside; A man who knows right and wrong, and has positive values, beliefs and attitudes, believes in empathy and compassion, is wise. We no longer are attracted to the “bad” guy, because we have been there,  done that, and know better. We are wise. But sometimes, these beasts also are experts at lying and manipulating and hiding their true selves, until they hook you.

The book also ties all of this in closely with how we were parented. Quality parenting produces men with the above traits usually. All relationships, romantic and parenting are related as that is how we get our behaviors, values, beliefs, attitudes, words, actions. Good parenting usually leads to good future relationships. When men are raised by men who are beasts: mean, dictatorial, distant, non-communicative regarding the above traits, and about life, the men often become the same way. Bad men beget bad men. But we can learn to become “good”.  It takes a lot of work.

All of this comes flooding back to me as I watch the 2020 elections unfolding. The image of male beasts is raising its scary head: monsters. The Republican candidate is pretty scary. It reminds me of Sendak’s book, Where the Wild Things Are. “Let the wild rumpus start!”  “…and the wild things roared their terrible roars, gnashed their terrible teeth, rolled their terrible eyes, and showed their terrible claws.”  And I am the king of all wild things saying, “be still!”  But then I wake up and realize it is real!

As a woman, I am also very interested in finding a president who possesses most of the above positive traits. I will not vote for a beast, nice looking on the outside, but bad on the inside. I am also looking for a mature, over 50, wise, intelligent, studious proven leader for a president. I stay away from greedy, ruthless, racist, sexist, fascistic, bullying. As a woman, I have to study the history of women and children in America, and how we developed our rights and protections.  I am aware that it was misogynistic men who rallied against giving women the right to vote, hold office, the right to own property, taking away a man’s right to own his wife and children and giving a mother rights regarding the children she gave birth to; workplace laws and protections, abuse laws,etc. I am aware that the Republican party is rife with misogynistic men who do not want any more rights, advances for women, don’t like strong, smart women, and don’t want women in politics; certainly not as President .Certain men are not going to give up control and power, certainly not to women.  I have listened to men call women sexist names. I have heard Republican men say that a woman should not be president. They hate Hillary because of these things. They hate Obama because he is black. They hate both of them because they are “liberals”. Those are the reasons they vote for candidates; not because of the above positive traits. This is the way that these men communicate that “my race, sex is better, stronger”.  They are haters, beasts, with no traits that qualify them to be President.

I have very strong beliefs about what makes a great president, and about what this country needs now. I have watched in disbelief as these men have, over the past eight years, hated, obstructed, read fairy tales, not showed up to vote, with no ideas or movements towards making this country as great as it should be; to keep it from falling apart, no movement towards solving our major problems; just creating hate and division.

All of this revolves around relationships, how we were raised, our positive traits, skills, intelligence, values, beliefs, and attitudes: beliefs in people, the basic goodness of people, developing relationships, even with those we disagree with, valuing dialogue and respect, dignity, statesmanship, valuing learning, studying, debate.

How can a leader develop productive relationships with world leaders if they can’t even develop relationships with American leaders?  How can you propose to be an American leader, the ultimate leader, if you have been a negative, devisive, egotistical, no-show elected person in the past?

My book talks about what women want: in relationships, from men they parent with, to produce in our children, especially boys. We want much the same from our leaders. It also talks about what women don’t want in relationships: control freaks, tempers, lying and cheating …

Lastly, we should all learn how to raise boys to men, who have the above positive traits and values, so that we can have more quality people running for office, and have voters who value  learning, discussing, respecting people’s opinions, being respectful, courteous, and re-examining their values, beliefs, heritage, after they reach adulthood;  and participating in the rights and privileges and responsibilities of being a citizen. Our young people need to feel responsible for doing these things. Parents must be responsible for their words, actions in front of their children; are they modeling  positive traits and responsibilities? If all you do is sit around criticizing, hating, spurting venom, laughing at people not like you, you are not responsible. If we teach separatism, regionalism, me-ism and don’t expose our children to people not like them, we are lacking. This can be done by traveling, or by reading with them, discussing with them, documentaries, videos…

Our relationships can be rewarding and character building, always with positives, struggles, unpleasant discussions done respectfully. The positives and the negatives are necessary to building strong, resilient people, as long as discussions are respectful and productive.  We need to break the cycle now, of  building people without intelligence, emotional intelligence, positive traits, great values, beliefs, mental and emotional health, and resilience, It is passed down from generation to generation. My book aims at helping people to read, study, and think about how all of this is closely related. It starts with our parenting, and then moves into our adult years where we become mindful, caring, loving adults, leaders, partners, parents. It is a cycle. We must break the cycle of raising men who are mean, dictatorial, focused on “me”, egotistical, power hungry, greedy, who believe they are better than others, control freaks, believe their sex and race are “better”, and others are “bad” or unworthy; irresponsible in their words and actions, have a sense of entitlement, believe in violence in relationships and with people. We want to be with people, and have leaders and young adults who are good inside.

You can break negative cycles by learning and exhibiting effective, positive parenting. Also by voting your conscience, values, beliefs after you examine them. And by not voting in a way that will build upon hate, racism, sexism, regionalism, separatism, or because your friends vote that way. That is how Hitler rose to power.  Don’t vote if you are not clear on what you believe and what this country needs to become great. Don’t vote straight party, because they belong to your “party”. It is irresponsible. Don’t vote if you think this is all hilarious, not important, your vote doesn’t count, or have become cynical. Don’t vote if you don’t have a lot of positive traits and beliefs, optimism. positive words. Don’t vote for someone who is “the lesser of two evils”. We can do better than that!

You can break the cycle by having respectful, important discussions with your partner regarding these elections. Discuss your values and beliefs and hopes for the future, and the future for your children and grandchildren, for America, and the world. Are you sexist? Do you believe only certain sexes and races should be President? Do you have prejudices?  This is how people and relationships thrive and grow. And disagreements are OK! Respectful, open dialogue, and open minds, hearts, souls… we owe it to each other, and to this country.