RELATIONSHIPS; WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDREN

Being a Controller

Past articles have discussed the issue of control. Control in relationships causes them to fail often. Here is another example of a controlling person. They go through life trying to control others, and trying to control their environment; trying to control everything. They think that by controlling everything they will be happy. They are not happy.

Most days I walk in the beautiful park. There is a wonderful walking/biking trail. Walking on one side; biking on the other. Most days when I walk, there is a man biking, full speed ahead. I noticed that he rides as close to the center dividing line as possible, going very fast. So, he is close to the walkers on the other side of the line. I walk close to the center line because it is level and keeps my feet and legs from getting cramps from walking on sloping pavement. He rides close to the center line because he wants walkers to move over and not walk close to the line. He wants to control where everyone walks and rides.

One day I was walking and I heard, “coming up on your right”. He was whizzing by as close to me as he could get. He had 10 feet of path to ride on, but wanted to ride close to the line on the left. I noticed up ahead, he was saying that to all walkers, and getting close to them as he passed. Then, this continued every day. He also, at times, would look back at me with a scowl on his face. Most days, he would pass me several times, as he went several rotations around the trail. He clearly wanted walkers to walk on the far left so that he could have, “lots of room”.

So I started thinking about this man. There I was, doing this walk for the wonder of walking in this beautiful place, with nature, and the pleasure of walking out side with the sun on my skin, and viewing this beautiful park and people enjoying it. But he was not, “enjoying it”. He wants to control his ride, and where other people walk. He gets pleasure out of making rules, following them, and trying to make sure others follow them. It is a lot like road rage, except his rage carries onto the park walking path- his rage, I am sure, carries into most of his life experiences.

I walk, looking all around me at all the gorgeous sights, including up at the sky. He rides looking straight ahead, going very fast, and getting irritated if someone gets in his way, or causes his rules problems. I walk concentrating on breathing, seeing, feeling, smelling, hearing. He rides concentrating on control. Again a controller :

1) Is a negative person; Wants to control others; judge them, criticize them; give them advice, order them around; tell them what to do; when, where, how to do it; argues a lot; is often irritated, irritable(anger, anxiety)(anger: yelling, raging); has their own definitions of right and wrong ; “my way or the highway” attitude; there is only one way to do things: my way; wants you to do what they want to do; eat what they eat, etc.; then you must give them praise for their ideas, how they do things: they are constantly fishing for praise; perceives things and people negatively; is a very serious person (intense), looks for mistakes; These are the modes of their communication with others. They don’t really know how to carry on a “real” conversation: pleasant, fun, interesting. They instead argue your points, criticize you and others, criticize everything around them, judge you, others, and things going on around you, tell you how to do things, how to think, etc.
2) Doesn’t want to be controlled, told what to do; perceives ideas and recommendations as telling them what to do, or criticizing or challenging their ideas; when you have ideas they see you as thinking you are smarter, have better ideas than them; can’t apologize; can’t admit mistakes; if you take them somewhere (it was your idea), they are not going to enjoy it (passive aggressive), not say anything positive about it, challenge you when you say something positive; criticize where you are and the activity you have drawn them into.
3) Is not in “control” of themselves: of their actions, attitudes, words, thoughts, perceptions (mostly negative); their lives are often out of control: jobs, relationships; can’t handle frustration; lack of patience; so they try to control their immediate environment: house, loved ones; they value turmoil (so they can use their advice skills, obtain power, and get attention); are ego-oriented: have a need for approval; never feel they are good enough(due to how they were parented); controllers are actually out of control;

I feel empathy for this man. He is going through life missing out on beauty, peace, and the ability to love and be peacefully with other people. He is unaware, has no self-awareness, and is unable to live wonderfully in the “now”. Other people pass and smile, or say “good morning”; not him. He wants to focus on himself and his rights and needs. You irritate him. He has no heart and soul. He is a beast; a zombie.