RELATIONSHIPS; WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDREN

Relationships- Get rid of your temper

If you watched The Bachelor  in a recent year you know that  Brad ended up engaged to Emily. You also know that they broke up after the show and were trying to work it out.  You learned that, according to Emily, “Brad has a temper… and so do I…”  They have things they still need to learn about one another before they get married. .. “How we fight…” .  She said his family asked her if she had poked the bear yet, (seen his temper yet).

Needless to say, these issues are important, and they do need to know these things before they get married, and work on resolving them.  We have been talking about the syndrome of control and controlling people.  People who are controlling need to have power and control over you. One trait they have is a temper, the tendency to rage.  We have talked about control being a syndrome consisting of many traits, not just one or two.  Also, all behavior occurs on a continuum, from mild to severe. All of us have small bits of most behaviors, good and bad. But when bad behaviors occur often or are severe, then there is a problem.  A person who is controlling becomes emotionally and verbally abusive, and over the years becomes “mentally ill” if they don’t get help.  Part of emotional and verbal abuse involves yelling/raging at a partner/child.

First, being out of control, and yelling/raging at a person is not OK.  Again, what’s ironic is that controlling people, who need to be in control, are OUT of control when they are raging. (Their behavior, attitudes/perceptions/maturity are out of control ). They think they are in control because they all of sudden are scaring you, shutting you up, talking over you: they are getting power over you, getting your undivided attention, showing they are more powerful, threatening you.  That is “power” to them.  It is external power. What they lack is internal power: the ability to regulate moods, thoughts, words, perceptions.  They are immature in that they perceive you as a threat, challenging them. Remember that we have said controllers are unable to control their words, thoughts, attitudes, perceptions.  Anger comes when we perceive things/people negatively and incorrectly, our attitudes are negative.  Anger comes when we think we must be “in control”.  Our beliefs are that to be strong we must be in control and better than others.  We value control and power instead of peace, harmony, loving our partner or child, showing love, kindness, growing during disagreements, problem-times.  If we yell/rage during problem times we do not grow/learn, and problems issues grow and escalate.  Raging often escalates into hitting; Losing control and jumping in a car and speeding through a neighborhood because you are “mad”.  The thing is, you really are “mad”: out of control.

So how do we stop these behaviors and quit yelling and raging? Again, we learn most of our behaviors, attitudes, beliefs from our parents. We become controlling because we had a parent who was controlling.  Read previous articles and you will recall that the way to grow, mature and get rid of dysfunctional and ineffective behaviors/beliefs/attitudes is to realize that your parent did it wrong, parented you poorly, and then re-parent yourself: relearn how to be with people, in relationships effectively; how to love; what love means, what a quality relationship looks like.

So how do we “learn how to fight”?  We examine how our parents did it. Read and talk about quality relationships, and re-learn how to communicate during disagreements and problem times.  Brad and Emily both now know that they both have “a temper” and that it feels bad and is not working.  If your behavior, words make you feel bad, make others feel bad, they are bad,  (Although Emily may have just been reacting to Brad’s temper).

There is a difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness. Assertiveness is good. Aggressiveness is bad (except in severe situations).  Yelling/raging, hitting, calling names, belittling, threatening, blaming are aggressive.  Telling someone how you feel, how their behavior affects you; affects your rights and needs; what your rights and needs are,  is assertive; Using “I messages”, instead of “you messages” (attacking messages).  Raising your voice is normal in certain situations where you are needing to put emphasis on your feelings, but is usually not necessary.  But “raging”, yelling at the top of your lungs, moving towards a person in a threatening manner, is not OK.

Rage/yelling (a temper: proneness to anger) is a combination of behavior, attitudes, lack of communication skills, need for power, lack of maturity and is learned (learned from your parents).  So, it has to be unlearned.  Young people like Brad and Emily realize something is wrong after spending lots of real time together: getting out of lala land, when having to deal with real life.  Learning how to communicate effectively , and problem-solve, in a relationship is something young people must learn. You can’t just “do it like my parents did it”.  Then by the time you are middle age you should be “mature” ,  a good communicator and problem solver. So as I speak of middle age dating, that is an issue: middle age people who still have not learned how to communicate effectively and lovingly during conflict, problems, issues, decision making times, and even just during regular conversation (or they don’t know how to just have regular conversation).  These people are controllers, and their need to control becomes greater as they get older and have not developed new skills and maturity.  Remember that the way controllers communicate is:

judge you, criticize you; give you advice; tell you what to do; when, where, how to do it; argues a lot; is often irritated, irritable(anger, anxiety)(anger: yelling, raging); has their own definitions of right and wrong ; “my way or the highway” attitude; there is only one way to do things: my way; perceives things and people negatively; looks for mistakes;  These are the modes of their communication with others. They don’t really know how to carry on a “real” conversation: pleasant, fun, interesting. They instead argue your points, criticize you and others, criticize everything around them, judge you, others, and things going on around you, tell you how to do things, how to think, etc.;

Doesn’t want to be controlled, told what to do; perceives ideas and recommendations as telling them what to do, or criticizing or challenging their ideas;  when you have ideas they see you as thinking you are smarter, have better ideas than them; can’t apologize; can’t admit mistakes; if you take them somewhere(it was your idea), they are not going to enjoy it(passive aggressive), not say anything positive about it, challenge you when you say something positive;

Is not in “control” of themselves: of their actions, attitudes, words, thoughts, perceptions; their lives are often out of control: jobs, relationships; can’t handle frustration; lack of patience; so they try to control their immediate environment: house, loved ones; they value turmoil (so they can use their advice skills, obtain power, and get attention); are ego-oriented: have a need for approval; never feel they are good enough (due to how they were parented);

Brad admitted over and over again during the show that he had problems with relationships.  He is 38 years old and has not been successful in a relationship yet. His father left him, his family, when he was very young. His father was a rager.  Brad said he has been to counseling, but he has much work still to do. They now need to go to counseling together, or learn together, so that the counselor can get the perspective of the person Brad is trying to be in a loving relationship with.  Sometimes counseling does not work if the counselor only hears the “perspective” of the person needing help; also people often don’t reveal pertinent information.  Counseling a “relationship” is very different from counseling one-on-one.  They need to learn relationship skills and let go of  “my temper.” Learn  “how to fight”.

Brad and Emily needed to learn together: how to communicate: good communication up front PREVENTS anger and misunderstandings;  how to disagree without anger, yelling/raging,  attitudes about yelling/raging, control, power, how to be loving, kind, peaceful; how to do problem-solving, decision making (these are skills);  how to use “I messages”, etc. ; how to identify their feelings, acknowledge them, and communicate them (learn words for feelings);  mature adults need to learn the wide range of negative feelings/words, not just “I am angry”. We must know: “I am: frustrated, feeling left out, feeling disrespected, feeling misunderstood, feeling attacked, feeling discounted(my ideas are not important to you),  …   ; disgusted, resentful, bitter, fed-up, sad, depressed,  dissatisfied,  worn-out, useless, weak, hopeless, forlorn, rejected, guilty,  bewildered, frightened, anxious, dismayed, apprehensive, disturbed, torn, hate, unloved,  hurt, miserable, pain, lonely,  worthless, impotent, futile,  abandoned, estranged, degraded, humiliated, shocked, panicky, trapped, horrified, afraid, scared, terrified, threatened, infuriated, furious, exhausted;”       attitudes: “ I want to change, learn, grow with you, show vulnerability”;   People who “blow up” tend to not feel and express negative feelings until they fester and grow and blow up. They are taught by parents that it is not OK to feel and express negative feelings.

They need to discuss what they value: love(and how to show it), kindness, compassion, peace, fun…   and do not value power, control, being better than you…  During the shows you could tell that Brad is very intense, uptight, closed, not a good communicator with women.  You did not see some of the negatives because he was in FULL control of the show, the women, the dates, and the outcome.  He loved being in a control situation.  Of course what we look for in those initial days of dating, especially when thrown into paradise(not real life), are things like, physical attractions, “vibes”, sexual attraction, feeling comfortable with the person, fun dates, a successful  person…  It’s when we “get home”, live together, that we discover the real person. You will not see a controller in full view until you move into their space and their life, with real issues, real life.

It is also common for controlling men to look for “sweet” women;  those that seem to be non-combative and easily pliable.  You will notice that Brad picked the woman who seemed the “sweetest; with a good soul”.  (as well as the “prettiest”).  Now Emily is finding out that Brad is not so “sweet”, and Brad is finding out that Emily is not easily controlled and manipulated.   They have a lot of work to do.

Of course what we really want to learn to do is “not fight” as much; how to communicate, prevent “fights”, how to disagree respectfully and to learn and grow as a result, how to problem solve, how to express what we are feeling and listen when our loved ones express feelings;  how to mature and “choose our battles” : let things go that are not important; value peace and love more than being right and fighting.  Let go of “might means right”.  Mature people are able to stop and think, regulate moods, attitudes, words; choose the high road, and choose LOVE.