RELATIONSHIPS; WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDREN

“If you were raised by an abusive father, please don’t write to me.” An entry in an online dating profile

Past articles have talked about issues of mental and emotional health, including control in relationships. We also discussed where our mental and emotional health, our relationship skills, come from primarily; from how we were parented. All of us need to be aware of our level of mental/emotional/relationship health: self-awareness. Past articles have given you information on what those things look like and have encouraged you to examine the levels in your life. Many people don’t think about those things. It is not healthy to go through life never thinking about self-awareness; how healthy am I? How am I doing in relationships? How was I raised and how does that affect my relationships, mental and emotional health? What do I need to know to re-parent myself and let go of non-quality parenting.

Everyone needs to know what abuse and neglect are; what they look like. There is physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. There is also physical and emotional neglect. When these things occur in extremes, they are against the law regarding children. With adults, physical abuse is against the law. But you should not remain with a person who is abusive and neglectful in other ways: are unhealthy in relationships.

We discussed the issue of control which is present in so many unhealthy relationships.

Most behaviors occur on a continuum, including control; from low level to high level:

Low level  ____________________medium__________________________high level                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           (abuse)

Verbal abuse                                                                        Battering

Emotional abuse                                                   Mental illness

Controllers are verbally and emotionally abusive. They are also emotionally neglectful to partners and children. See past articles for examples of what control looks like and what healthy relationships look like. You should be aware if your parents were abusive and/or neglectful. You should also know that control can become physical abuse when controllers are confronted or constantly frustrated/challenged.

Neglect occurs for children on a basic level when there is lack of food, clothing, medical care, supervision, shelter. It occurs on the next level when there is emotional neglect. MANY children are emotionally neglected or abused. Controllers are emotionally neglectful and abusive. Did your father ignore you except to correct you, criticize you, judge you, order you around, punish you? (with the exception of discussing sports). Did he use “bad touch” on a regular basis? Did he use “good touch”: hugging, pats, etc. on a regular basis? Did he discuss important things: teaching you/training you, values, beliefs, life, priorities, ethics, finding good in people, etc.? Did he encourage you regularly? Did he respect you by not yelling, putting you down, etc.? Did he listen and show that he enjoyed conversing with you, have fun with you? Did he tell you he loved you?  If those things did not happen, you were neglected emotionally, and need to learn to do those things in order to be healthy. You need to use positive self-talk as well as doing those things in relationships.

We must unlearn abusive/neglectful behavior, and learn what healthy looks like. Women are looking for men who are emotionally/mentally healthy. We are looking for respect, encouragement, love, and fun. Men who came from abusive, neglectful, controlling parents are not going to offer those things if they have not realized their parenting was poor quality and relearned how to be with people in a quality way. Awareness is the first step. A good question to ask is, “Am I happy/healthy in relationships?”

When dating over the age of 45, women will encounter many single men who had abusive, controlling, emotionally neglectful, mean fathers. It is good to find this out early on during the dating phase. Most of these men have been unsuccessful in relationships, both romantic and parenting. Unless they have done major re-parenting work, it is good to stay away from them. They may not be physically abusive to people, but the other ineffective things may remain: control issues, ego issues, tempers, frequent bad moods, some depression, negative attitudes, inability to love, feel loved, trust issues… They do not have the courage to be imperfect, and live in fear of not being good enough. They often have not learned good communication skills and so fall back on finding fault, criticizing, one-ups-manship, judging, telling people what to do, making fun of people…

There are lots of attitudes: don’t tell me what to do, I want to do it myself…  There are attitudes regarding respect. Abusive fathers often demand respect, and think it is something they deserve. They don’t know that respect is earned. Being mean, abusive, aloof, neglectful, dictatorial does not earn respect from children.  You have to be a quality, respectful, loving, guiding, involved parent in order to gain respect. You have to show respect to wives and children in order to gain respect. If your children do not love and respect you, you will be an ineffective parent. Everything, including discipline, works only when your children have a good, respectful relationship with you.

Many single men over 45 have also developed poor relationships with their children. These are often men who were abused or neglected as children, by their fathers. They often also have the attitude that it is the kids’ job to clean up the relationship, make amends, and be respectful, “because I am their father”. They don’t realize that it is their job, as the father, to earn respect, to learn unconditional love, and to learn skills in re-building a strong relationship. We have to let go of attitudes of, “You will respect me”. We must all earn respect. You cannot be mean, neglectful, distant, controlling: emotionally, verbally;  and expect to be respected. When dating older men, we need to know if a man has been unsuccessful in relationships. We need to try to figure out if they are mentally, emotionally healthy.