RELATIONSHIPS; WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDREN

We want to try to identify men who might become cheaters BEFORE we marry them!…  just as we want to identify controllers before we marry them.  We’ve already discussed controlling men and their tendency to cheat. So, one category of potential cheaters are controlling men. We already know we want to stay away from controlling men, who also lie, cheat, and manipulate. Another category of cheating men is those who are in a marriage at some point where they are no longer happy in the marriage: they have fallen out of love, fallen “out of like”, and they end up cheating. The marriage has died on the vine. The right thing to do at that point would be to either try to fix the marriage or get out. This is extremely difficult for some people to do, can be costly in money, emotions, sense of security, and can feel like a failure. But the right thing to do is to be truthful and respectful to yourself and to your spouse and get out or get help.

This category of cheaters is impossible to spot before marriage, but the other category, the controllers who will likely also cheat, can be spotted before marriage. My book is about spotting the risky men BEFORE marriage. Most new books out on cheating address cheating men during marriage and attempt to help women see the cheating and know what to do about it. Most of these books are written by men, and by men who have done research on cheating men (from the cheating man’s perspective: clients who are cheaters). They did not interview the wives of the cheaters to get their perspectives. (This may be due to confidentiality and the fact that some of the cheaters have not disclosed to their wives). Nevertheless this is a one sided research methodology, and not very revealing considering you are dealing with couples. None of the books talk about helping women spot potential partners who might be controllers and cheaters. This might be a little bit easier in middle age because you may be able to find out if the man has cheated before (but you may not be able to find out because these men are liars and manipulators). Needless to say, if the man has cheated before he may be very likely to cheat again.

Some of the books out now on cheating men (written by men) suggest that there is simply something wrong with the marital relationship. There are things missing in the relationship. Some of them say that the books are aimed at prevention also: telling married women what men need in a marriage to prevent cheating (good relationship skills). These books are simply more books on how to have quality marital relationships. There are lots of those!  But they also tend to blame the woman for letting the relationship deteriorate to the point where the man cheats. They say nothing about what the man has failed to do in their marriage to make it better. Marriage is a two way street and it takes two to make it work. You cannot put the burden on women! Some of the books say the typical relationship pluses such as, “the woman should show more appreciation (admiration) for the man and all his hard work, etc.”  “…more sex and intimacy”.  These books say nothing about the man showing more appreciation for the woman. They do not examine why a woman might lose interest in more sex with her husband!  (what a woman needs and wants from sex and intimacy: making love): what she is not getting from the man. So, in these books on married men, they say they want more appreciation, affection, attention, more emotional attachment, more sex.  These are the basics of good relationships besides respect, encouragement, fun and love. These books also do not talk about the fact that some marriages end because the people have “grown up”, changed, become different people, become incompatible, developed new knowledge about themselves, new wisdom, and learned more about what they value, need and want in a partner and in life.

These books on cheating men do not address why those things are not present in the marriage (underlying causes), what women need and the personality syndromes that can predict a man will become a cheater (controlling syndrome). There are books out now discussing a Tiger Woods syndrome. They are really just addressing the controlling men syndrome. My book is also addressing the controlling men syndrome and attempts to help women identify these men before marriage. Remember, we are not trying to identify the category of cheaters who simply become cheaters because of a dying marriage. We are talking about the men who don’t really know how to love, how to feel deep and abiding love. They have not seen real love, or felt real love. Their parents were not loving to one another nor to them (it is possible the father cheated on their mothers). Their parent(s) showed that they valued other things:    control, power, prestige, winning, being right, being the best, being more skilled than others…

One popular author says that the number one reason men cheat isn’t about the sex—it’s about seeking an emotional connection. The men he interviewed reported this as their reason for cheating.  He does not address the issue of controlling men who usually CANNOT feel deep emotional connections no matter who they are with….but they continue to try.   Yes, they are seeking an emotional connection, but they cannot “find” one because they cannot feel emotional connections with a woman. These men cannot feel “love”. They think having sex shows what it feels like to be loved and to show love.

Remember, when we are dating, we are sometimes looking for the perfect man. This is unrealistic but nonetheless this opens the door to men who will deceive you into thinking they are perfect. They will lie and manipulate regarding who and what they are and about their past. Then once they have you they become the person that they really are: controlling, negative, emotionally vacant, sex becomes mechanical and they move on to the next conquest.

We are noticing a large number of “successful”, powerful men in the spotlight who are cheaters.  They cheat because they can.  For them cheating shows skill, winning, sexual prowess and skills, that they are charming to women. Sexual orgasm with a “new” woman involves thrill, a hormonal high similar to drugs, excitement. They feel “things”; Not deep emotional attachment, but things. This is great for them considering they are emotionally empty. They lie to and manipulate the new women as well.  Most of these men were raised by controlling fathers who lived through their sons. If their sons became highly successful (in a prestigious sport or profession), that would mean they were great fathers.  They pushed their sons to be the best, to win. Their relationship with their sons (daughters) involved pushing the skill (sports, dancing, politics) on the youngster constantly. Their lives were totally out of balance. These parents never consider that one day the child will need other “skills”, other strengths, other traits, to make it through life happily. What happens to these children, now grownups, who can no longer do their sport, or are no longer the best, or lose elections?  Their entire life is wrapped around being “great” in a chosen sport or lifestyle.  They never learned people skills, kindness, how to be happy outside their glory “sport”, relationship skills, joy in little things, compassion, how to think of others’ wants and needs, how to feel love and emotional attachment. Their entire identity and ego is tied up in being the best at what they do, not in who they are. They never learned what to value, the most important values in order to be happy. They don’t have to learn people skills because people (women) throw themselves at them. They never learned to say “no”, “this is wrong”. They do not value truth. They value lying and manipulating in order to get what they want.

So, when dating we need to stay away from controlling men. Just by doing this, we will stay away from most cheaters. We must date them for a long time and move in with them (to some degree) to finally uncover the “real” guy. If you hook up with a very powerful, successful man you must find out what their values really are and if they are capable of love, intimacy, “making love”, emotional intimacy, feeling and expressing feelings, good communication (intimate communication), talking with you regarding serious, meaningful matters, and all the other things discussed in past articles. Are they able to lead a balanced life or are they consumed by their “profession”?  Are they going to be dedicated to the marriage and making it work and what is their description of these things?  If they were raised by a domineering parent who focused only on success/being the best in sports, etc., beware.  Did their fathers also cheat on their mothers?

We cannot look for “perfect” men, just as we are not perfect. So we must identify what qualities we must have in a man, which qualities are most important; which qualities are most likely to lead to happiness, intimacy, sharing, couple fun, mutual respect, compatibility, mutual growth and deep love.  Controllers are not happy people. They are looking for someone to make them happy.  No one can make them happy. They are content when they are in control; are achieving, winning, conquering you, competing, watching competition, judging others. Controllers, liars, cheaters often turn to substances,sex, possessions, material things to “make them happy”. Then they become addicted to these things. Soon their lives come crashing down. The controllers have lost control of their lives.