RELATIONSHIPS; WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDREN

What Women Want: Men who are good relationship communicators

Controllers don’t communicate well. They argue, tell you what to do, criticize, order, command, yell, remind, nag, threaten etc. They think it implies smarts and skill. It is actually easy to argue with others. Skilled conversation means being able to initiate intelligent, meaningful, thoughtful, interesting, non-threatening conversation, or to simply be a good listener and reflecter. Communication is the glue that holds relationships together. It is so important. It says, “I enjoy talking with you”. If your parent was not a good communicator, you will have to learn how to do it, and let go of his negative, ineffective ways. All of the tips above and below will teach you how to start communicating positively and get into meaningful, connecting conversations. There is communication for many reasons, one being simply connecting and sharing. Communication is crucial. It is the 1st step in conflict resolution and prevention.

If you were raised by a controller, you were not allowed to feel and express feelings, especially negative feelings. They see it as weakness. You will have to learn how to do this and give yourself permission to feel and discuss it with others. A controller will order you to do something, put a finger in your face. When you order me to do something I am less likely to do it:
Listening: listening is one of our best communication tools. When a child or adult is talking, just listen. It is called active listening. People love it when they feel someone is really listening to them. So when someone is talking, be still and listen: turn your mind off except to be hearing their voice inflections, their feelings, except to be looking into their eyes and noticing what their eyes are doing, how they look, what they are saying, their mouth speaking, lips moving….. do not focus on correcting them, arguing with them, one-upping them; do not interrupt; do not be thinking about you are going to say next; calm down and breathe; then use reflective listening; reflect feelings; if you say something like, “wow, you must’ve been really angry…”, this will cause the conversation to continue, with feedback like, “ yea, I was because…..”. When you start giving advice or trying to fix them or fix their problem, you close off communication. People do not like to be told what to do. If you are a controller that likes to tell others what to do, but do not like to be told what to do, think about it. What a paradox!

Apologize when you have done something wrong or inconsiderate. It shows strength and character. Controllers don’t apologize because they never think that they have done anything wrong, and that it shows weakness to apologize. An apology is simply, “I’m sorry”. Don’t “take away” the apology by saying, “I’m sorry BUT, you never…you always….you need to…”. Then it becomes an attacking “you” message.

Peter: Communication when in a social situation with his wife present: He is a very poor communicator when it comes to listening and initiating meaningful, positive conversation. He is an expert in negative communication. He listens for opportunities to argue and correct people, especially his wife. So, he waits for his wife to speak and then argues, corrects, or makes fun of her. Peter had virtually no pleasant happy past, so he has a very hard time finding pleasant things to talk about. Example: at a party Peter was pointing out to everyone how many clothes and shoes Linda had, “It is ridiculous”…. He has belittled her, and then he hopes she will start arguing with him. This is conversation for Peter.

Threatening: controllers often use threats to gain control. Threats can be very damaging. In the least they are just bad. Peter used threats regularly with Linda when he was raging or angry. He thought it would force Linda to submit and behave herself: stop challenging him. All that threats do is cause the person being threatened to lose their sense of safety and security, and to not trust the person threatening. Controllers (parents) often use the following with teens: “If you don’t______ you will be out of here (out of the house).” If you do ______again, you will be out of here”. This is extremely damaging, and can destroy any trust that a child has in his parent, and his sense of security. Threatening a child, or an adult, in this manner is abuse.

Lastly, it is a parent’s job to teach good communication, good conversation. That includes how to converse with everyone: males, females, teachers, friends, strangers(social skills), how to debate, argue constructively and effectively, the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness, how to be open and not argumentative, how to listen, give and take in conversation; sharing thoughts, stopping to reflect, showing caring/compassion; to talk about meaningful, interesting subjects; to be well rounded. People should talk about what is important to them, what they value, what they believe, and learn from others: be open.

Boys need to learn to discuss and care about things other than sports and “male things”. They need to know what they value other than sports heroes, sports, male things. They value things(people) other than winning, being the best, being better than others, themselves, money, material things, “I want it now”, being right. Sons of controllers do not learn to value conversation. Their fathers are quiet except when negative communication is needed : to correct, scold, or when talking about sports. Communication for these boys becomes being “talked at”, talked over, yelled at, and criticized.

Linda dated a man for a while, in his 60’s, who had not learned how to communicate except for the above ways. He did not know how to be with a woman effectively (except to do and talk about sex). In addition he was a lawyer. If a conversation started he must be allowed to totally finish his points, his “arguments” before the woman could speak. He would get furious if she “interrupted.” She would then get the silent treatment. When he had a problem with something she did, he did not discuss it. He just got silent. He did not converse; he “argued his points”. He loved talking in a courtroom because he could argue his points without being interrupted (he objected loudly if anyone interrupted). He could make his points ’til the cows come home.
Conversation/discussion involves give and take, reflection, listening, pausing, back and forth: you make a point or offer a thought; you pause, reflect and allow the other person to interject or speak; you listen, think and reflect, comment if you like…you offer not only your points, but reflect back to the person what you heard them say, what they may be feeling, and then they can respond. You offer encouragement, appreciation for their thoughts, expressing their feelings, appreciation for their words, knowledge; appreciation for opening up; affection: touching is wonderful while talking; acceptance: “ I accept all your thoughts and feelings; I may not agree but I accept that they are your feelings…I respect them and you, and here is what I think.”

This man did not like to “confront” problems in a conversation or relationship. He did not know how to do problem solving through communication. This man lost touch with his abusive father when he was 5. His single mother raised him and 4 siblings while working. She waited on him and doted on him. He did not receive effective discipline and guidance. He did whatever he wanted and then in Catholic schools he received harsh discipline and words for his unruly, undisciplined behavior, especially in high school.

When Linda wanted to discuss their problems, issues he simply would not. He said, “It reminds me of going to the principal’s office. I hate it”. He would clam up and be silent. He would rather end a relationship than have to discuss important issues. For him, dealing with problems/issues had always been frought with fighting, loud arguing, accusations, blame, harsh words, yelling, harsh punishment, unfairness. His mother didn’t deal with them at all. His absent father had hit the children, (beat the boys) (hit the mother).

Linda asked why his last marriage ended. He said they “fought a lot”. Linda knew that what he meant by this was that they had lots of issues, problems. The wife would try to discuss them, deal with them. He would not. So the problems festered, grew, went unresolved. If they did try to discuss them, they became “fights”. He was a controller and so he also felt he was always right on issues as well. There was no need to talk about it, “I am right, you are wrong. I will do whatever in the hell I want to do.” Because he was a controller, he OFTEN was upset, got mad about things his partners did. So there were often “problems”. He created problems/anger. Because of his negative perceptions and attitudes, he often would get upset, and then of course not want to talk about it. Even if the couple was discussing politics, current events, etc., if she did not agree with his opinions/points he would get mad. “You do not disagree with my opinions; do not argue with me; you must do things the way that I want you to do them”.

Couples must learn good communication, problem solving, not only for good, wonderful conversations, but for the times when communication needs to work on issues, or talk about serious, important things; to be able to converse, bounce things off of each other, share, care, discuss feelings, explore, reflect, talk about your joy, sad times, listen, touch: all communication.
We want men who use good communication, encouragement, let go of negatives and control, are aware of their attitudes, perceptions, judging others often; know how to be responsible and self-disciplined, how to love, and how to be with a woman.