RELATIONSHIPS; WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDREN

Time to Give; Time to receive

“It is important to know when we can give attention and when we need attention. Often we are inclined to give, give, give without every asking anything in return. We may think this is a sign of generosity or even heroism. But it might be little else than a proud attitude that says: “I don’t need help from others. I only want to give.” When we keep giving without receiving we burn out quickly…there is a time to give and a time to receive. We need equal time for both if we want to live healthy lives.”

Henri Nouwen in Bread for the Journey

So, what does this mean? We have looked at holidays and other “special days”. These are recognized as days of giving and giving thanks, being in gratitude. BUT, relationship experts know that the most successful romantic relationships involve men and women who learn how to do those things each day. GIVING is not just giving material things: flowers, perfume, gifts, etc. The best “things” to give are actually non-material things; to give of yourself is better.

One quick note: Speaking of “special” days such as anniversaries, birthdays…One behavior/attitude that communicates a great deal of “giving” and respect for your partner’s feelings is REMEMBERING special days. It is not OK for a woman to be conscious of remembering special days while her partner does not! This is a huge complaint from many women. Every man in a relationship should learn how to use a calendar with important relationship dates on it. “I forgot” does not hold water. If you care enough to remember and calendar your work appointments, deadlines; and your golf dates, then you can care enough to remember and calendar your relationship dates.

So, giving involves putting effort into “giving” each day, opening up and being vulnerable, and sometimes leaving your comfort zone:

• · show appreciation to your date: “I appreciate you”; “thank you”; show gratitude each day; “I appreciate it when you…”
• · give attention (positive): spend time together, have fun together; “the couple that plays together stays together”; learn to be “in the moment”: concentrate on the moment and the person you are with; are you ever with people who you feel are “not there”? do not think of the past, the future, your past experiences, betrayal, fear, anger, bitterness….let it go and be fully with this woman in the moment
• · love (show love; say “I love you”); I love you regardless of how many mistakes you make, etc; (but I do not tolerate abuse); listen to your heart. It will tell you how to love and give. This takes sitting still each day; concentrating and listening to your heart, knowing how you feel, feeling your feelings about this partner, and telling your partner how you feel. When doing this do not allow the past; past feelings to enter your heart. If fear, past feelings: anger, hurt, bitterness, lack of trust enter your heart from past relationships, you need to get help and talk to your partner about it. You cannot love fully until you can let all that go. It also helps to learn meditation; to learn to be in the moment, with your feelings about this person, and how to not let other thoughts enter your heart, mind, and soul.
• · give kindness; encouragement; patience. Let go of control .Let go of irritability, anger, fear, ego. Say, “I’m sorry”. These are powerful words; very courageous. Controllers think these words show weakness;
• · show respect: “I respect you; I will respect your thoughts, feelings, words, ideas, right to not be yelled at…”;”I respect YOU; I like you”; “I respect your rights and your needs”; “I know one of your desires and needs is for me to remember special days”;
• · plan fun together: celebrate the wonders of this world with your partner ; connect with nature and learn to enjoy simple things, simple wonders; experience joy; when dating, is for men to take the lead in giving and planning, (but this does not mean controlling). Men should often plan dates, dinner, entertainment, and an occasional “dress up” date. This is giving; putting forth effort and showing that you care.
• · when planning fun or something to do together, step out of your comfort zone; do something new; something she likes to do, but maybe you have not done before, or don’t know if you like; let go of the attitudes and habit of saying, “I don’t want to”, “I don’t do that”; I don’t like to do that” (attitudes from a negative childhood); play together; rediscover the child in you; It is through playing with other children that children learn, on their own, with no lectures, how to meet their own needs while, at the same time, satisfying the needs of others. This is one of the most important lessons that people in any society can learn. Men who are raised by controllers often never learn how to play socially. They often learn only controlled play: games with rules, outcomes, expectations for achievement (sports, golf…). They learn competition and comparing themselves to others; the need to better. But when a child sits on the beach and builds a sand castle with another child they learn how to satisfy their own needs and how to satisfy the needs of others. They learn social skills: sharing, compromising, talking and creating together, enjoying sharing the experience with another child (it is more fun to do it with someone rather than to do it alone); I like to see my own creativity as well as that of my friend. I enjoy the company. He makes me laugh. I learn to make him laugh. We quit when both of us are ready; we learn to be considerate. We encourage each other and tell the other child what we like about their design, methods. We say, “we are good together!”
• · ­­­­­initiate affection: give affection each day; not just affection aimed at “getting sex” ; intimacy on a regular basis; not just seductive affection; affection for good times and in bad times; Touching: touching your date randomly throughout the day: kissing, hugging (just for nothing), sitting close, putting your arm around her, touching/caressing her face, arm, leg… Walk up behind her and kiss her neck, pinch her butt… When dating, in the beginning, women want men to initiate affection. Then men will receive!
• · give compliments; controllers and ego-centered men find it very difficult to give compliments
• · think of your date during the day; give her a call or text; if you go through your work day and do not think of your date or spouse, something is wrong! It is a sign that you are either not really into this person or that you go through life in “automatic” (unconscious), not ever focusing on IMPORTANT THINGS: how to give in relationships; how to make your partner happy, how they make you happy
• · get out of automatic; become a conscious giver; think and feel during the day; go through your day in a conscious fashion, thinking of the other person, how she makes you feel; what you can “give” to her; tell her! show her!
• · know what you are passionate about; know what your date is passionate about; do things with her that she is passionate about, then she will want to do things that you are passionate about; find something that you are both passionate about
• · doing things around the house: chores, cooking, etc.: this needs to be a shared thing; it is more fun and giving to do it together. When women give, give, give and do not get in return, bad things happen to relationships
• · develop interests together: take dance lessons, etc. Do not get stuck in “doing things the way you did” them when you were 25; Show that you are interested in evolving, learning, changing, WITH her
• · make love! Over time a couple should be able to move from “sex” to “making love”; this is the ultimate gift, act of giving; this also involves being fully with THIS woman; fully in the moment: no fantasizing about other women, other experiences….. open your eyes and get into this woman, take your time, give fully… don’t go into automatic. Explore; figure out what THIS WOMAN wants;
• · be romantic! Learn how to do this! Plan and execute it! “When you sing to me”, when you want to watch full moons, when you wake me up at dawn and guide me down to watch the sunrise, sunsets, lay in the grass and watch the stars, have picnics, give backrubs, take showers together… See the article , “Eating With a Woman”; This is an example of giving! The act of going out to dinner and paying for it is material giving. The act of putting effort into making it a romantic and great experience is giving of yourself.
• · Do not give advice; give the gift of listening, caring, reflecting feelings; give the gift of your time; to sit down and talk and listen.

When dating, remember that you will not be able to tell much just when going out on brief “dates”. The relationship must move to spending weekends together and hanging out in each other’s space. One of the best ways to figure out compatibility, see control issues, and figure out if a guy is a giver and able to “vacation” with a woman is to go on a vacation together.

Spend a whole weekend together and play. In New Orleans there are many places to play besides the Quarter. Discover the child in you again. http://neworleanscitypark.com/attractions.html City Park is the 6th-largest and 7th-most-visited urban public park in the United States. City Park is approximately 50% larger than Central Park in New York City. You can easily spend a whole weekend there! Go to the website and check it out. Enjoy sharing one another.