RELATIONSHIPS; WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDREN

We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is, knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the good stuff out

— Ray Bradbury

We need to learn how to let the goodness in us spill out!; how to talk and discuss about good, interesting and fun things. Many of us heard messages like: you are to be seen and not heard, from our parents. We have to let go of all those bad messages and “not good” things that we saw in our parents.

When you saw a father who was silent most of the time.; sitting in his easy chair, silent,

Thinking, thinking, thinking, like a zombie; Never speaking his thoughts.  He was never in the “now”; Thinking thoughts of, fear, uncertainty; about the past: his day; worrying about tomorrow; like the walking dead: fear, worry about the past and tomorrow; can’t enjoy now, today;

Thinking about other people(not their spouse and children); impressing others, how others act, behave; how I can be like that;  issues, problems;  not thinking about my family relationships, my marriage, how to be a great father; how to get up right now and do something good, new, different, positive, to contribute to my relationships now, today;

-How to let the good in me come out; how to let the boy in me come out and play, and talk, and cut loose; how to just be in the moment with my wife and children. Just get up and go cook with my wife, talk about their day with my children, without giving advice, criticizing. Read a book with my children or wife; talk about fun plans for the weekend…

Many men, in their dating profiles, on the first line, say, “I am a good man”; “people say I am a good man”. What does that mean?  Some say, “ I am nice; respectful; I laugh a lot”. Men need to be able to define what, “a good man” means. They need to be able to define their values, beliefs, attitudes, strengths; how they contribute to their family’s, and their own, emotional, mental, physical, intellectual, spiritual health.  Monetary health is important, but it is NOT the only thing. Money is not what makes you happy. It helps, but it is not the only thing. If it is the only thing we focus on (plus sports) we are missing the boat on “good man”. A “good man” is not one who, when with his pals, jokes about negative things, cuts people down(in fun!), talks about problems, says bad things about his wife and women; nothing but negative, negative, negative, (and then laugh about it).

We need to remember that most serial killers, shooters, abusers, are described by people, after the fact, as being “nice, a good man”, etc. “I would never have guessed this!”. Raising a child to appear “nice”, “good”, “respectful”, is good, but not enough.

Linda was dating a man who was a self-confessed taker, not a giver. He was a “me” person. He described himself, and his father, as “a good man”.

He had a daughter. One night, he and Linda were watching TV and scrolling through movies. Choices included the Star Wars movies, Harry Potter movies… Linda asked if he had seen all these great series. He said, “No. My daughter always wanted me to watch those with her, but I don’t like those kinds of movies.” Did you watch great Disney movies with her?  “No, I don’t like those kinds of movies”.  This man was unable to give to his daughter:  the gift of doing something with him that she enjoyed doing, but maybe he didn’t enjoy doing yet. When we give this type of gift to a loved one we find that we do receive pleasure (learn to like new things because we are doing it together), and give great pleasure. He missed great opportunities, and great opportunities for growing and learning, great opportunities for GIVING. Linda asked him what he is sentimental about. He said, “I am not very sentimental”; She was not sure he knew what that meant. He was a “surface” person; Lived on the surface of life, never diving down deep.

Now that he is 60, he is unable, unwilling to do “things that don’t interest me”, “things that don’t hold my attention”.  On dates, when they would sit down and watch movies, he fell asleep, even if they were top-rated action adventures. He only liked comedies. When they went to watch outdoor concerts, he would always lay down and go to sleep. When they went to the beach to sit, enjoy, and talk, he would lay down and go to sleep with his hat over his face.  He was not connecting with his date!! He was not giving of himself!  He was boring! When at concerts, or walking around, he never talked. Linda would look at him, trying to figure out “where he was”. She would ask him, “Where are you? Because you are not “with me”. Over time she figured out he was always thinking. He had had a lot of bad relationships. A couple of wives cheated on him, etc. He just was not a very happy man, although he said he laughed all the time with male friends(on the golf course). She noticed he watched people a lot; Thinking, thinking, thinking. Linda felt he had gotten to the point in life where he was afraid, unsure of himself, and trying to figure out “what happened”; didn’t know how to act anymore. He was not going to open up and “do or say something wrong”. He watched people as if he was trying to learn how to be; how to act. He was walking around thinking about his past and scared of the future. He was totally unable to be in the now with a woman. He was walking around comparing himself with other people.

When a man gets to 60, and has had a lot of bad relationships, and things have not gone well for him(except maybe in his job), he may become depressed, scared, mentally ill, etc. Women dating, over the age of 45, need to beware of this dynamic. We need to look for lots of positive things in a man, but also beware of strange things. Men must be able to show you “the good stuff” in them, and not have a long list of things they don’t do.

This man had a LONG list of things he “does not do, does not like doing” “does not interest him”, and a very short list of things he enjoyed doing; many things he had not tried. Women want men without a long list of  “I don’t do’s”.  Women want men who are fun and not boring, and willing to try new things.  You hear people say that men become set in their ways. It is not that they become set in their ways. It is that they have always been that way: Their fathers/male friends gave them clear messages regarding what “men” do and do not do. They also just have STRONG preferences regarding what they will and will not do. They are persnickety. They live in absolutes, “I never…I will not…I don’t do that…I must…”. We want to be with men who have learned what is “good” about them, like themselves,  and can show us what is good about them, and tell us what they like about us.