RELATIONSHIPS; WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDREN

Again, how well we fare in relationships is caused mostly by how we were parented and how we saw our parents faring in relationships. Were our parents quality parents? Did they show us what great relationships look like by modeling them? Did they have great relationships with each other and with us? If your parents divorced while you were young you will have to find other adults in quality relationships to study, or read about quality relationships.

When I was at The Parenting Center, one of the groups of parents that I worked with were abusive parents referred by the courts. I did groups with them and taught them parenting classes. When teaching parenting to people that don’t want to be there and think their parenting is just fine, you have to help them understand what quality parenting looks like, and help them to see that their parents were not quality parents. Most abusive parents were abused as children. Most of us parent as our parents parented if we don’t learn how to parent differently and better: effectively, positively. In order to want to learn better ways we have to be motivated to learn to be better. Many abusive people have not seen other people parenting positively and effectively. They may think that the way they are parenting their children is “normal” or OK, (because they don’t know better). I would ask parents if they thought they were parenting well: good parents. They almost always said yes.

Then I would ask them if they thought their parents were good parents. They almost always said yes. Sometimes we put up defense mechanisms so that we can pretend we are “normal” (good people), and that our parents were normal. Maybe if we say we are good parents and that our parents were good parents it will be so. You wonder why people who were abused find it so difficult to voice that their parents were abusive. Some just block it out and never think of it again – until they have children. Then the abuse rears its ugly head. MANY dysfunctional people have a hard time admitting they are not high quality adults, not in high quality relationships. Their egos will not let them admit it, see it, and will not let them admit that they want their children to be and do better than them. So, the cycle of abuse and dysfunction repeats itself again and again. So then I would ask the parents if their parents produced happy, successful people: were they happy and successful (in relationships), and “good people”? They had to sit and think. Sometimes they would hesitate and say, “I think so”. Then I would give them a list of “qualities/skills” that experts list as qualities that happy, successful, emotionally healthy people have, and ask them to read them: honesty, integrity, hard worker, positive mental attitude, enthusiastic, loving, dependable, sense of humor, persistent, compassionate, responsible, caring, good-finder, friendly, goal-directed, wise, intelligent, good listener, organized, knowledgeable, energetic, thoughtful, able to regulate their moods…

Then I would ask them how many of those qualities/skills/attitudes they had. There would be silence. They had NEVER thought about what happy, successful looks like. They never thought about what qualities/skills they should teach/instill in their children for them to be happy/successful. Too many people just go into automatic when they become parents and just parent like their parents parented. They never stop and think, “I was abused and parented terribly. I want to learn to do it differently for the sake of my wonderful child.” Too many people also just go through life in automatic, doing relationships and everything else as their parents modeled them. We must, as adults, become self-aware and realize what it is we want to be like; what qualities we want to possess, what we want to get rid of that our parents passed along; what can help to make us happier people, and be in good relationships. So, these abusive parents had never thought about it. When we were abused we don’t have: good coping skills, good stress management skills, certainly good parenting skills. So when parenting challenges come up, or when the normal stress of parenting comes up, we not only don’t have skills, we don’t have ways to manage stress. We learned only to yell, hit and do drastic things. When yelling, hitting don’t work, behavior gets worse, and abuse occurs. After reading the list, we would sit in silence and think for a while. Soon some parents would get teary eyed. I would ask them if they thought their parents had built those qualities in them. Did they have those qualities? Did their parents’ methods of parenting build those things in them? Most people said “no”; the beginning of awareness. Even fathers in the classes would admit finally that they did not have these qualities; realized that their parents were not good parents, realized what they would like to become, and opened up to learning. Most importantly, they realized they were doing the same things to their kids as their parents had done to them.

As the classes went on, parents would continually get teary eyed as they learned positive, loving, effective parenting, and realized what they did not know. Going through life in automatic and being blind to bad parenting is not the way to go. We perpetuate the cycle, damage our children, but also continue to be damaged people going through life unhappy. Abusive/neglectful parents are often also terrible role models for what adult relationships, romantic relationships look like. So people from abusive/neglectful parents also have to learn just general relationship/people skills.

When dating, we want to find men who are good in relationships, and know what that means. The same qualities/skills we list for happy and successful people, make for people good in relationships. We need to get to know our partners very well before we marry them, or stay with them, or begin parenting with them, and look for those qualities. We need to find men who are self-aware, know what that means, and want to become more and more self aware and grow and improve. Dating in your 50’s, if you meet a man who has been a constant failure at relationships, who has never been married, or never with a woman for very long, you may want to think twice. If he thinks he is just fine and doesn’t need or want to grow and learn; run. It’s true what they say, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” (usually). Beware of men who say they are, “laid back and easy-going” (lots in their 50’s). They just want to be left alone to continue living their same old unhappy life, with no idea what real happiness looks like. They want you to hang around and do what they enjoy doing, and take care of them, and be quiet.