RELATIONSHIPS; WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDREN

Myth: Women are supposed to be the nurturers. Men are supposed to be nurtured by women, and not be nurturers.

Truth: We BOTH need nurturing; lots of it. Those old roles from the agricultural days no longer apply. We separated roles for survival, according to the need for muscle strength, and need; back when living and surviving were not mechanized, and bought in stores. In good relationships both partners fully participate in all tasks. If both people work, what happens after work is even- Steven. In the modern age, girls and boys are both nurtured by their mother and father. Then when we “go away” from our parents, we both continue to have an equal need to be nurtured, cared for.  Men whose attitudes live in the Stone Age, think they are to be nurtured, with no need to nurture their partner. In counseling, you see a lot of young women, newly married, or new mothers, who suffer from depression.  One of the things that causes this is that all of a sudden they are not being nurtured, but are expected to nurture their husbands, kids, and everyone else, at the expense of their own emotional and mental health. This is not OK. Couples should discuss, while dating, expectations of roles, beliefs, values, wants, needs. Maybe you don’t yet realize what is important to you in couple life. It helps to go to classes such as Marriage Enrichment, or read and discuss books. If you realize after marriage, that you are unhappy, depressed, then it is good to discuss the issues or go to counseling. Never shove them under the rug and hope they will go away. They won’t. Of course anything you can do BEFORE MARRIAGE is best because divorce is very painful.

For those of us dating in middle age, if we meet a man who expects to be nurtured, and is not a nurturer, we need to give it up early. It is not likely a man in his 50’s is going to change. If he is also a controller, not only will he expect you to do everything that he wants you to do, he will criticize/judge you while you do it. We need to find these things out before we marry a person.

For young women who are dating, be very careful about the messages you give to your male companion while dating. Many of us want to impress our dates and so we set the stage for lots of fancy cooking, preparing wonderful meals, parties, etc. We do this to try and get a man to want to marry us, many times. And we may truly enjoy doing this, for a while. If we live together before marriage, we may, in the beginning do all the cooking, cleaning, planning, shopping, etc. But it is very important, before marrying, that you make it clear that once married you want the relationship to be one of sharing all responsibilities, as equally as possible. You do not want your role to be that of cook, planner, cleaner, bottle washer, household manager, etc. If both of you work, the rest of the responsibilities and planning needs to be shared, so that it is fair, and so that both of you nurture each other. These things may be fun when dating, but when in a married relationship, and especially when children come along, making a house, home and love work requires both partners giving equally. Parenting also should be equally shared. This needs to be made clear before marriage. So, what happens in the evening and on weekends is even-Steven. Also, parenting equally, sharing the chores, fun stuff, and experiences makes parenting more fulfilling. Parenting is a wonderful thing when it is shared with a full partner. Chores, etc. also are easier to stomach, and can be fun, if done with a partner.

You’ve heard, “walk a mile in my shoes”. Every partner, parent needs to experience the full experience of parenting, managing a relationship and a family, and running a household, so that they know what it entails fully. We also learn from each other when doing it this way.

“Working” includes a stay-at-home mom, who works out of the home raising children. Equal “duty” should happen after 5:00 and on weekends. No matter where or how you work, you need a break in the evening and on weekends. So everyone should share responsibilities in the evening and on weekends, including children; and everyone should play and have time alone, and time together, on weekends.

Again, do not go into automatic in relationships. The way that your parents did it, is not the way it is done today. Family dynamics have totally changed. AND we now know what made wives/mothers unhappy and unfulfilled, and what made husbands/fathers sink into expecting to be waited on and into letting the wife do most everything that needed to be done alone and without “help”. We now know what makes relationships fulfilling, loving and fun. We have to be very careful re attitudes from the past.  ANYONE will let people wait on them, and take care of them, and all responsibilities outside of the workplace. If you give, give, give, without expecting anything in return, then your expectations are poor, and you need to start communicating your needs and expectations for quality relationships, sharing, fairness, and giving. If your partner does not initiate mindfulness, giving, planning and sharing, just as you do, then you need to make clear that that is what you need.  Romantic relationships will only be high quality when partners share, care, take responsibility, talk, hug, and kiss while sharing, respect each other’s rights and needs, share the fun and the not fun, the ups and downs, and play together.