RELATIONSHIPS; WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDREN

We have to redefine ourselves and grow and learn about ourselves as we get older; get in touch with ourselves; love ourselves; We can’t define ourselves by our “roles”, because those roles change. We can’t base our self esteem on our roles, “jobs”, on our egos.  When we get older and “retire” our roles change again. If we have lived our lives only defining ourselves as our job roles, we then are lost when we no longer have those roles.  We have to know ourselves internally; our hearts, souls, minds, thoughts, values, beliefs, emotions (get rid of negative thoughts and emotions); those are the only things we have control over. We control our internal things; have no control over the external.

We can’t define ourselves by what others think of us. This is called being “other-directed”. Some of us define our success and happiness, how “good” we are, by external sources, rather than internal feelings, thoughts, attitudes. Men especially are taught to define success/how good they are, by competitiveness, comparing themselves to others; praise from others; doing things better than others; looking and being better than others; thinking you have to be “like” others; These men are ego-directed. They learn to only feel good about themselves when they get praise; feel they are better than others; look better than others; have a bigger house; perform better than others; perform as they think others expect them to perform; fear being judged “negatively” by others: being called a “sissy”, etc.  They are not happy unless they think others are happy with the way they behave.

We have to learn to not be ego driven, and be inner-directed. Especially when we get older and are no longer: the best, the best looking, etc. We must be able to do self-talk; praise/encourage ourselves; know what our values, beliefs, attitudes, needs are, and let go of “bad”, ineffective values: “I value being the best, being better than you, getting praise from you”. Your value is then based on other people’s views of you and your opinion of yourself based on comparing yourself to others. You are YOU, not someone else.

Being inner-directed means we compare ourselves with ourselves; we praise and encourage ourselves; feel good about ourselves because of “who we are”. We value: improving, working hard, learning new skills/new things; PMA, enthusiasm, being loving, kind, committed, persistent, compassionate, loyal, responsible, caring, sharing, friendly, wise, intelligent, knowledgeable, thoughtful…   We have to know who we are internally, based on our values, beliefs, attitudes, words, actions.

If you have grown up being ego directed and other-directed, and wanting to control others, it is necessary to shift to knowing yourself, internally, and being in control of yourself: your thoughts, attitudes, beliefs, words, self-talk, etc.

Men who are ego-oriented talk about how others praise them, how they do things quicker, better than others, etc. This has to shift to them internally praising/encouraging themselves -good self-talk; “I am a good person…” ,not, “I am a good person because others tell me so”;  example: when you go to yoga, the goals should be to improve YOUR abilities to internally control/develop your: mind, soul, heart, thoughts, negative emotions and improve your yoga physical skills compared with yourself; how you did last time; how u have progressed.  Ego driven people while at yoga are watching others; comparing themselves with others; “I am better than him”; hoping to get praise from the instructor; while doing yoga are not working on erasing negative thoughts, ego thoughts, controlling what thoughts enter their mind, how they are feeling: happy, content, peaceful, mindful, ability to go to a “peaceful place” and focus on breathing, positives-positive self-talk; ” I am loving, kind, friendly, giving, caring, sharing, open and vulnerable, creative…”

We have to learn how to define ourselves and our happiness by focusing on this day, this moment; enjoying and appreciating little things; learning… Not looking for problems and problems to solve(using our “skills”); volunteering, focusing on our strengths apart from our “jobs”; developing a long list of things we “will do”, want to do, rather than hanging onto our long list of things we “won’t do”. Let go of old ineffective ways of doing things; attitudes, beliefs- let go of negative thoughts/emotions; guilt, anger, resentment, blaming, fear, bitterness, regret, revenge; let go of the past; love yourself-then you will attract people who are lovers. Focus on where you are now and how to move forward; being grateful for each day and what you “have” and are.

Middle age men often start feeling empty inside. They are aging, losing some of their attributes regarding how they used to define their success and happiness; things that others used to praise them for. They are dependent upon praise from others in order to feel good about themselves. They fish for praise: ask others: “How did I do?” “How do I look?”… We have to feel good about ourselves inside, for WHO we are; encourage ourselves.

When dating middle age men, notice if men seem ego-oriented, fish for praise, tell you that others think they are great, are often unable to give you compliments, unless they want to get one back from you; want to only do things they have been doing all their lives, that they are good at; seem to be unhappy people unless they are working, competing, doing tried and true activities, controlling others, solving problems, fixing things; These men will NOT retire well… all things to consider when dating middle age men. Controllers are other-directed men; outer directed. They expect praise and are manipulators: use praise to manipulate, and tell you that others think they are great in order to get you; get you to think they are great. They are not able to encourage themselves internally, nor to encourage you. They are empty inside. Look out when they are no longer able to get praise or don’t see themselves as great/great looking in other people’s eyes.