RELATIONSHIPS; WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDREN

The days of strictly divided and defined roles of man and woman from the agricultural days, the caveman days are gone. These roles were defined by need, strength of men, the woman bearing children. A woman’s job entailed skills and hard work to prepare foods from the field/farm, use time and labor intensive skills to prepare and cook meals with no machines, etc. It was hard but fulfilling work, using their hands, creativity; being skilled in creating a meal from start to finish with many steps involved. There was pleasure involved in producing a baked loaf of bread. All senses and talents were used: touch, sight, smell, with the rewards being the final product and a family who appreciated their hard work and talent, and product. They knew they had worked hard all day to produce the meals, often while taking care of children (often lots of children).

The men did the same. Worked hard all day, but usually outside, using their strength and skills. It was fulfilling, but hard work, using their hands, senses, enjoying the outdoors. Because of the intense manual labor, they often were very tired at night. And so was the woman; no machines to wash their dishes, etc. The children were EXPECTED to contribute and “work” also; doing chores and helping with the younger children. Again, even doing chores was fulfilling. Getting your hands dirty, gardening and making bread, was a lot more fun than “loading a dishwasher”. Children were trained by their parents, and did the work WITH their parents, siblings, in stages: parent gives instructions, child watches parent, child does it with their parent, then child does it alone with some supervision, parent gives feedback, child improves and gets encouragement, and is able to see the fruits of their labor.

Now, we are defined as either working in the home (including parenting), or working outside the home, whether you are male or female. Thus most people work all day and then come home (or are still at home) and want and need the same things in the evening and on weekends. If children are present, someone has to take care of parenting in the evenings and on weekends. Relationships and their roles are no longer defined by need, strength, division of labor by sex. Some men are still stuck in the old roles and old definitions; old expectations.

Women now want “equality”, as much as things can be equal, in the handling of who does what around the house in the evenings and on weekends. Men and women have the same needs: rest, recreation, a sharing of responsibilities so that it is fair for both, time alone, time with friends, time to pursue interests, time together as a couple, time for fun as a couple, the need to “receive” from your partner, time together as a family having fun… If there are no children, the needs are the same.

What is not fair is for one or the other to feel they have a right to getting needs met, while the other partner does not have these rights.  Believe it or not, women were also nurtured by parents, and continue to have a need to be nurtured when with a partner. We like to give and nurture but only when the nurturing is returned. We love to have someone cook for us, help around the house without being asked, offer to do nice and thoughtful things, plan fun, etc. When a woman or man is a “stay-at-home-parent”, that is a full time job, and the evening and weekend hours should have the same rights and privileges as a person who works outside the home. We all need to rest, recharge, and enjoy time with a partner and or kids.

There is a new opinion out by a famous male author which says that new research shows that men need to come home from work and have at least thirty minutes “off” while their testosterone levels balance off; something about that time of the day and their levels go up, so they need to relax until the levels level off. Did anyone do research on what a woman “needs” during the first 30 minutes at home, or during the early evening hours after raising kids all day? What her “hormone” levels are? Frankly, we don’t need to know these things. All we need to know is that you have 2 people who worked all day and are tired, and still have lots to do before going to bed. It is NOT ok to say one person is going to rest, while the other does the evening routines. If you have kids, you CAN’T both sit down and rest. You have kids to take care of. There is no reason why the evening routines should not be shared evenly.

The worst scenario is when the spouse says to the stay-at-home-parent: “what did you do all day? You sit around, watch the kids, let the house become a mess, don’t have dinner ready for me; now I am going to rest after “working” all day.” These spouses have NO idea what it is like to stay home and parent children all day. It may not be physically demanding, (but neither are office jobs), but it is stressful and requires very good parenting skills. You are around children all day, do not have a lot of adult contact, don’t get to go out to lunch, etc… miss the “adult” world. This causes stress. So the worst thing a partner can do is try to prove that their job is more tiring and stressful than the other partner’s. Also, a stay-at-home-parent is doing “parenting” all day, which we are not trained to do. The work-outside parent is usually in a job where they are skilled and trained. So they do not have the added stress during their day of constantly learning, relearning how to parent, kind of hit and miss at first, which can be very stressful. It does take skill to parent effectively and positively, and lots of patience.

If you are a couple without kids, it is OK to say, I need 30 minutes to relax and unwind. Then you both have 30 minutes to do what you “need” to do for yourself. The “30 minute unwinder” should not expect the other person to be “working” while they are relaxing.

Responsibilities should be SHARED. Plus chores/routines done together are a lot more fun than doing things by yourself.  Chores in this day and age are often boring, so we have to figure out how to get them done in a fair way. More on this in the next article.

Then there are weekends. I cannot understand how any partner can think that weekends are for them to rest, recreate, have fun, while their partner does nothing but raise the kids and keep the house! What is wrong with these people? Do they really think their relationship will survive long term if this is done? Weekends should also be shared and responsibilities and time should be doled out fairly. It is not OK for a partner to go out and have fun while the other stays home with responsibilities every weekend. So weekends have to be divvied up: one Saturday I go out to play(you take the kids or we get a babysitter); the next Saturday you go out to play(I take the kids or we get a babysitter); the next Saturday we stay home and do something fun with the kids; or if it is just adults, we do something fun together; the next Saturday I get to stay home and have alone time; the next Saturday you get to stay home and have alone time… Every other weekend should include “going out” as a couple, on a date.  When you become a couple, and /or have kids, it takes planning to make it work, because you have more than one person involved. You can’t just say, “I am going fishing this Saturday”, without consulting the other people in your life. If your partner is mentally, emotionally, socially, physically healthy, they will continue to be good partners and parents. If they are not, they will not be quality partners.  They will not be happy.  It is important to know that if a woman is around children all day, it is very important for her to get out and be with adults, and to get out and find “herself” frequently. If a woman gives up “herself” after becoming a spouse and mother, trouble is ahead.

Lastly, it is OK to have to ask occasionally for what you need or want. We are not mind readers, BUT women should not have to ask for what they need and want every week. If men don’t have to ask, women don’t have to ask. It should all be communicated, planned out and understood, as much as possible.  Some women feel they have to “ask” for everything and don’t like it: ask a partner to help, participate, ask for time alone or to go off on weekends, ask for affection and romance, not attached to sex, ask for dates and fun times… Not only should there be plans, but every now and then, men should offer a woman an act of kindness, an act of romance, an act of sentimentalism, that was not asked for or planned. If you sit around all day everyday and NEVER think of your partner in great ways and think about what you can do for her that would be nice or romantic, your relationship is in trouble.

Women just want fairness and “equality”, and to be nurtured, when it comes to adult relationships, and not be asked to give up parts of ourselves and our needs and wants. We want to share our lives in a special way with a partner. Life these days can be mundane, each day a repeat of the day before. We don’t plant and tend crops and animals, bake bread. We are not using our hands and bodies and our senses are not flooded with the wonders of nature and nurture, when we sit in offices. In this day and age our relationships can provide wonder, love, fun and experiences that tingle our senses. We can discover wonder and joy again together. But it takes planning, desire, creativity, discussions about us, learning to play and enjoy simple pleasures again, and learning to live in the moment. It takes wanting to give in a relationship, working on it, and then reaping the rewards.