RELATIONSHIPS; WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDREN

We have talked about how to use special days, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New  Years  to examine the ways we relate to our loved ones and improve;  how to become focused on love, encouragement, being positive, talking about and showing what we really value and believe; improve our thoughts, attitudes, words, behaviors: how to “grow up”, grow, become wiser, and live our lives consciously, rather than unconsciously, in “automatic”.

The first step is to get out of “automatic”. We need to go through each day consciously aware of being loving, kind, positive, with positive attitudes. We should not do it “as our parents did it” (unless they had a long and very loving relationship and showed us love outwardly, unconditionally);  we must examine our past parenting, and how our parents showed love to one another(or didn’t show love to one another), know what was quality, what was not quality, and how it affected us and our words, behaviors, attitudes.  We have talked about “controlling” people and that they are that way because of their parenting.  We do not want to be with controlling people unless they have gotten counseling.  So, again those are the basics.

We have to “grow up” first in order to love and be loved, romantically. That is work we must do ourselves; then go into a relationship. We must take responsibility for our own thoughts, actions, words, feelings, and know them, and be able to feel deeply.  We cannot play the roles of “mother” or “father” in a loving relationship. It will not work. Each person has to be at a place where they take responsibility for their own mature behavior, and let the other person be themselves. Grownups make responsible choices for their behavior and words: to be loving and to receive love. Then we grow in relationships. It is everyday things that matter most in a loving relationship, not the big events.  Do you only show love, give cards, buy flowers on Valentine’s Day?  If so, your relationship is lacking. We need to daily show kindness, politeness, consideration, thoughtfulness, relate(communicate) daily, encouragement, joy, intellectual sharing, emotional sharing, doing things together, sharing activities, interests; and let go of negatives. If you are not loving, and receiving love daily, then those “symbols” like flowers, candy, cards, become meaningless, empty; because they are “symbols” of your ongoing, everyday, love and actions towards one another.

This Valentine’s Day can look like this:    The day or week before:  sit down with your partner, “I love you very much. I want to discuss this Valentine’s Day. I want it to be different and better; the beginning for our daily expression of love. I think I have been in “automatic” in our relationship; not conscious daily of what goes into a loving relationship, and putting forth effort to show you how much I love you.  I would like for both of us to get off early  and spend the evening together, at home. (if there are children, get a babysitter).  What do you think? Do you have any ideas?”    Always pause after major thoughts and give time for your partner to respond.  “Let’s sit here and do some visioning, wishing, imaging, dreaming, of what we would like to do that night”. Sit in silence, and then share what your thoughts are/were.  “These are my thoughts. I would like to prepare a few surprises for you for when you come home. I would like for us to go grocery shopping together the day before and buy food for the Day. We must buy a decadent dessert; discuss recipes and how we will prepare the food; On Valentine’s I would like for us to cook together, eat together, with wine, candle light. I want us to sit together , with soft music, candlelight, facing one another and just look into each other’s eyes, touch all parts of our body(leaving out sex parts for now), and just “be”; no need to talk unless you want to.  Then talk about our past, our future, the now; what we are feeling, what I love about you, give compliments; be able to feel the compliment , receive it with love and say thank you;  review us, if we want to; share hopes, dreams, values; share what you want your daily lives to look like in love; talk about activities you can start doing together;(for instance, working out together at a gym or at home, or outside, can be very sexy: watching that guy/gal huffing and puffing, flexing muscles: great!)  what brings you joy;  touch while talking; kiss and hug when you feel like it; then when you are through talking, listening, touching, give each other a massage, with soft music, massage oil that smells wonderful…  ask what they like while massaging.  Make a vow to touch every day, and to kiss(really long kisses) and hug each day. Smile, laugh. Your gifts to your partner are smiles, thoughts, compliments, listening, touch, a massage. Try to recite your own “card”, and/or draw/write a card. Saying “I love you” is a gift. Allow yourselves to sit in stillness and reflect; talk if you want to. Learn to be in stillness with one another and think; look at one another.   “I want to let go of negativity, negative attitude, words, thoughts and express positives to you each day.”  “I will not try to control you, dominate you, judge you.”  “If I find I need to get help, I will.”  “I will love you every day; think of you and our love every day; put effort into it every day.”  “When we have problems we will talk about them lovingly; do problem-solving if necessary.”

YOU are the gift, the present to your partner! Every day! You don’t have to wrap yourself up in red wrappings(unless you want to!) but you do have to put in love, make yourself attractive to him/her, be “giving” each day. Material things are nice but not what truly will make you loving, or make you feel loved.

Make love at the end of the night if you want to. (you will want to)

The next day, reflect about your Valentine’s Day! ; what you loved about it! Say “thank you”.