RELATIONSHIPS; WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDREN

 In relationships, in parenting, we should not let things lapse into focusing on negatives: how to fight fair, how to deal with problems, how to communicate when there is a problem, how to deal with misbehavior. Why do we seek help when there is a problem, or when problems have gotten to a critical stage? Why do we not learn and read how to do relationships and parenting well, positively, preventively, so that we build a wonderful thing from the beginning and hold on to it?; so that we can build wonderful children and relationships, and not just pay attention when things go wrong, or let things get really bad? When we focus on negatives, we may get through negative times, but we are not building wonderful times.

If we are raised by negative parents, it is likely that we are somewhat negative people; focusing on negatives, problems, things that are wrong, need to be fixed, people doing things “wrong”. We probably have negative attitudes, perceive things negatively; complain, judge people negatively, correct people, cut people down, tell people what to do… These parents don’t focus on being positive, preventive, effective parents. They focus on misbehavior and what to do about it after it occurs, fixing it, problems with the child (waiting for problems to occur), criticizing the child, telling them what they did wrong after they did it. 

Positive, effective parents do things like:

-learn stress management and how to have positive attitudes and expectations; realistic expectations of children; read about babies and children, so that they know what to expect at each stage

-communicate the rules beforehand and tell the kids what the consequences will be

-train the kids when you assign a task, before they do it; then supervise, do problem-solving, then turn it over to them; then encourage; tell them what they are doing right, improving upon, etc.

-teach kids stress management and problem-solving

-lots of positives during the day

-let them do lots of things on their own, with training and encouragement

-structure for success: routines, rituals, expectations, activities that children succeed at; playing with children

-have family meetings and let kids help assign chores, do decision making, etc.

-model positivity, talk without anger and temper, use good stress management; have wonderful conversations with their children and spouses; do not talk poorly about other people in front of the children; do not let children talk poorly of other people

-understand what kids are capable of; developmental stages; and how to help them successfully through stages …

Learning how to communicate, including when feeling resentment or that something negative has happened is so important; using good stress management, getting rid of temper, anger etc. ; but I would go a step farther and say that too often we focus on the negatives; how to deal with negatives, how to fight fair, etc. Marriages are going to have “fights”; but a way to prevent, and build up positive feelings, and defuse negatives, is to make sure couples do positives each day:

  Affection: A kiss good morning

 A long hug and sign of affection in the afternoon

 A compliment

 A love note during the day

 Appreciation: A kind, encouraging word; saying thank you; gratitude for …

 Attention: A thoughtful gesture

…and then on weekends we need to add lots of fun, affection during the day!

With children, the list of positives we say, do, to our children each day should also be longer than the negatives: Affection, Appreciation, Attention, Acceptance (I accept you as you are);

 We have to learn how to be POSITIVE, preventive people/parents.If we make sure our positives each day outnumber our negatives, including perceiving things negatively, seeing things negatively… then the negatives are less likely to occur, and will be less volatile when they do occur. When we are not happy we tend to see things negatively, have negative attitudes; our partner can’t do anything right… soooo we need to focus on positives; doing positive things, encouraging one another… When we are negative, controlling parents, our children will become negative, unhappy, misbehaving children. In life, we build wonderful lives by being, thinking, speaking positively. We cannot let negative parents, people, society, news, drag us into negativity. One of my favorite books is Raising Positive Kids in a Negative World by Zig Ziglar. I encourage everyone to read books on building great relationships and parenting, and not wait until you have to go to a counselor who will focus on problem solving and diagnosing, after the fact, or to a divorce court. It is much easier and more fun to structure for success and love, than to clean up messes. If you are an adult raised by negative parents, you can read in order to re-parent yourself and become positive and loving, including loving yourself(without ego).