RELATIONSHIPS; WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDREN

In this new year, we look for things we can change or do better. We’ve learned there are things we cannot change, like the past, other people, and that it’s best to focus on now. Now is really the only thing we can change. It’s really important to know what you can and cannot change, and focus on what you can change, if it needs changing: and to focus on YOU. The easiest and best things to be in control of are: your thoughts, beliefs, your truths and trying to understand other’s truths, attitudes, words that come out of your mouth, actions.

Even in relationships, if we focus on us, the relationships will be better. In parenting, if we focus on our parenting style: positive, encouraging, fun, communicative, planful, disciplined, active, responsible, guiding, teaching, being good managers, being preventive, being balanced(not hovering and not being distant), using good stress management, learning how to do it well; we will automatically produce “better” children. Instead of doing it badly, waiting until our children misbehave, or are irresponsible, and then reacting, punishing, and yelling, we focus on our role as a quality parent. It makes parenting much more effective, easier, and less stressful. We must let go of old, ineffective, negative attitudes, and must learn how to do it: “that child will obey me”, “I will not let that child inconvenience me”, “I will do what I want and how I want it, and the child will do what I want, and do it how I want it” (even though I don’t teach, train, encourage, tell them the rules and consequences), “I will show power and wisdom, and teach, by telling them when they do something wrong, how to do it better. I don’t allow mistakes”.

The same is true in romantic relationships. If we focus on ourselves, and learning how to do it better, and talk about it with our partner, we will hopefully produce a better relationship. But do remember that if you try and try, and do mostly the right things, and your relationship does not improve, the other person does not do their part, it is time to get help. Do not shove feelings and problems under the rug. Remember you cannot change the other person. If the other person will not get help, it is time to leave the relationship. If you find that you are giving and giving, and not getting in return, it is time to get help. We are not talking about giving money, flowers, things, having a job, as giving. We are talking about giving, without the other person asking, of yourself, your time, affection, time spent planning and scheduling, time spent scheduling dates, weekends(equal time for recreation for each partner: alone, with your partner, with the children), equal time spent managing the house, meals, and children, etc., appreciation, communicating, showing joy in the relationship, time spent encouraging, time and attention to keeping a family calendar and remembering important dates and events, time spent thinking about how you can show love and appreciation and then doing it, time spent on “family engineering”. Watch out for attitudes like: “that’s how men are”, “men have to do that to be happy”, “that’s how his father did it, so it must be OK, or I must live with it”.

Relationships involve two people. They require the desire to work on it and study it together.  It has to work for both people. Any behavior that negatively affects your rights and needs is not OK. If he is taking care of his wants and needs, and not also focusing on yours, it is not a quality relationship. So, you must voice your needs, rights, wants, feelings in a calm, respectful, planful way. We must also take care of ourselves. Each person needs to handle their own health and wellness: physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, intellectual. But it is nice if your partner is supportive and you work together to promote wellness together. In a relationship everything is better if you “do it” together. That is the whole purpose behind being in a loving relationship. If your partner makes it impossible for you to take care of yourself, including meeting wants, it is time to get help. For instance, if he goes off on weekends and takes care of his wants and needs, but refuses to stay home(with kids)  while you go off and take care of your wants and needs, on a regular basis, it is a problem. It’s called taking turns, sharing, compromising. All this should be planned in family meetings every month. Then you don’t have to “ask”, beg, complain, bring things up at the last minute. Relationships, romantic and parenting, require time management, planning, talking, fun, showing love and encouragement, respect, giving and taking, and compromise. Remembering to be respectful is so important;  to children as well as to partners.