RELATIONSHIPS; WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDREN

What most women want:  men who love

“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”   Paulo Coelho

What do many women look for when dating over the age of 45?  What do we notice and look for when we read online dating profiles of men over 45?  One of the first things we notice in profiles is that men must think we are looking for “laid back and easy-going”. MANY men say this in their first sentence. Then they want us to know that they enjoy “fishing, golf, hunting”.  Then they want us to know that they want a good-looking woman.

Online dating is a good way to do research on men. It gives us a huge number of men over 45 who are single and looking. As I see the huge numbers of the above quotes I begin to wonder if these men really describe themselves this way, if they really think this is the way to attract great women, or if they have just read other men’s profiles and see this as a popular way that many men describe themselves.  I also begin to wonder if these men have really put a lot of thought into what they really want in a relationship, what they have done wrong in the past, and what type of women they are not compatible with.  These profiles have been done quickly and easily. Many other profiles are short and unsweet, with many, “thinking of something to say”, or “I’ll tell you later”. Some of them have no pictures, and virtually no content. They expect the woman to have a pic and talk, but it is OK if the man does not share, and cannot think and talk, and is unattractive.  I advise women to delete these profiles, unless they are looking for “just a companion”, a warm body, with no substance and depth.

Another thing to look for in a profile is the age range of women the men are looking for. If they are looking for women at least 10 years younger than them, then they are probably looking for arm candy and sex, as the most important things. So you may be automatically out of the running, and you should want to be!

Not many men say, “I am looking for love.”  We have to remember that the reason many of us are online is to look for quality relationships. For many of us women, when we see the above descriptions we scratch our heads, and see, “man looking for good and faithful dog, companion.”  But then the men say, “…someone to go out to dinner with and to a movie”. Ah-hah, dogs can’t do those things. Do they just want a companion, and that’s all? Of course arm candy is nice as well as good sex.

It seems that perhaps some men think they have to define themselves as a “man” and have old outdated ways of defining “men”. So they look at what other men say about themselves. Many men who are unsure of themselves look at other “men” and what they are doing in order to define manhood. These men are ego oriented and have weak egos.

But most single women over 45 are looking for more. We want real love, warmth and pleasure in a relationship, above and beyond good sex.  Chemistry is important, but other things are also important. I should mention that some women are just looking for men with money. In those cases, it doesn’t matter what a man’s profile says, or what the pic looks like. If he puts down a high income, he will have lots of women respond, from all over the world!

Most women over 45 want in a romantic relationship: love, making love, mindfulness about the relationship, wisdom and knowledge, loving learning, positive words and attitudes, a good communicator and listener, a positive approach to life and to this country and the world, warmth, kindness, lots of affection apart from sex, fun, respect for our needs, feelings, and wants, and giving.

So how can a man do these things in romantic relationships if he has not done them in 25 years?  One of the best ways is to become mindful of what makes up a good romantic relationship. If he did not see this from his parents then he needs to either read or get help.  One of the worse things we can do is go into automatic using our parents as a model.   If you did not see your parents actively involved in a really good relationship then you have to relearn relationships. We now know that many people in long relationships say that they are not really happy. It has become a relationship of convenience, or one where the people stay together out of fear.  If you did not see your parents:  openly affectionate, kissing, hugging, saying “I love you”, openly involved in good conversation, having fun as a couple, going out on dates,  giving and taking, with each of them giving to the other, then you did not see a good relationship.  If you saw a man who came home and expected to be waited on, did not sit and converse with his wife, have fun with his wife, touch his wife, laugh with his wife; instead gave orders, was negative, critical, you did not see a good relationship. If you saw lots of fighting, arguing, angry, quiet, unhappy people, you will have to relearn relationships.

Lastly, you did not see your parents having or not having sex, so you just need to know that good romantic relationships involve frequent sex and making love.  You may have to read books by professionals to learn what making love means.  It is a major giving and taking, feeling and sharing. Making love, giving love and receiving love, speaking of love, is also something you may have to learn if you did not feel loved by your parents, or never saw love between your parents. If you never learned how to feel deep feelings, or give, you will have to learn how to do this.  A common problem in long relationships is the lack of sex, making love, touch, affection. It is safe to say that those are not quality romantic relationships.  An important part of sex and making love involves “foreplay”; affection and playfulness, touch, during the days. It involves feeling love and loved. If you never saw these things between your parents, you can assume their love making was not good or non-existent. Why would you want to repeat these ways?

Women who are doing online dating over the age of 45 report that the men who say they are “laid back and easy-going”  actually:   want to do it as their father did it, or as they did it in all their relationships: come home, do as they please, get served dinner and have someone to do chores, have someone to arrange and plan everything and go to dinner  and a movie with them; understand that they will go fishing on weekends, or do what they want to do, then relax and watch TV and have a beer; they want no demands, complaining, etc.  They are laid back and easy going as long as they can do as they please, and someone takes care of them, and does not challenge them, or argue with them, and gives them sex when they want it.  We can also add boring to the list. Quality romantic relationships involve couples having fun together, laughing together; with each partner planning quality time together, and couples sharing quality conversations and learning and growing together, sharing deep thoughts as well as light moments.

We want love, warmth and pleasure in our romantic relationships, which involves each partner being mindful each day about how they can contribute to a quality relationship. We do not want “laid back and easy-going” unless that includes,  “and giving lots to insure that our love grows and flourishes.” Mindfulness includes realizing daily how much you love your partner, thinking about it, and speaking it, feeling it. When this stops, the relationship is in trouble. We want men who strive to be better at relationships; who strive to be better. We want relationships that grow and become better over the years, rather than those that die on the vine.