RELATIONSHIPS; WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDREN

What Women Want: men who can find and feel paradise with a woman

In the last article, we talked about the beach as an example of a place to find out if a man can be sensual, feel, and really be with a woman and with nature and beauty; to be fully in the moment and fully with a woman. If a man cannot relax and find wonder in being with a woman in paradise, then it is unlikely your every day romantic life will prosper. We have heard the phrase, “ the honeymoon’s over”. A couple goes on a honeymoon which is full of love, sex, being all over each other, enjoying each other, and then some of us go “home” and forget that life with each other is supposed to continue to be loving, sharing and enjoying one another, and going on “honeymoons”. When those things stop, the honeymoon truly is over.

So, for many men, the beach is not paradise. Linda was not sure these men had a “paradise”. They were not connected enough to life and living, loving, to themselves, to feel much of anything except negativity. They all seemed very good at complaining, judging, criticizing. They all liked to tell Linda what to do, and how to do things, and to give directions. So what is this thing where these men like to give directions, but will not take directions? They all seemed unhappy to Linda, though they said they were happy. There was no enthusiasm and joy in these men— no inner peace. They were unable to feel love and love others. You hear the suggestion to “stop and smell the roses”. So many men cannot or will not do this; In the same way they cannot go to the beach and feel and smell and listen and see the unbelievable beauty and oneness with the universe and nature. You cannot “do the beach” if you are hyperactive, if you cannot stop thinking, thinking, thinking, if you cannot slow down and pause. You cannot be open to the newness and wonders of the beach if your mind is polluted with past stories, past ways of “doing it” — if you are a closed person— if you fear newness— if you are driven by I must, I should—if you must have a “plan”, if you are unable to enjoy the now and shut out the past and future (fear and worry)—if you are a controller. All of these men did not understand when Linda wanted to end their “relationships”. They thought things were going well. Not!

People who cannot enjoy the beach have forgotten how to play and feel, hear, see beauty, smell, when they are around beauty and wonder; how to be still and focus. They usually are very good at “business” and achieving external power. They have lost internal power: the ability to know and “control” their soul, heart and senses. In the movie Pretty Woman, Edward is led by Vivian to take a day off from “business” and walk in the grass barefooted, to do simple things, eat simply, go to a diner, eat a hot dog, read a book to her in the park, talk (about things other than business), just while away the day, no plans, doing what you want to do next, having thoughts and feelings about what you want to do next…  He had forgotten how to do these things, and the importance of doing these things. He had moved into a grown up zone of staying in his comfort zone: work. He felt external power there, and talent. We, as adults, must be able to leave our comfort zones and learn and seek balance in our lives; not allow the child in us to be wiped away by values and visions of material things, power, prestige: external power.

Edward loved what he felt when he walked in the grass in bare feet. He went back the next day by himself to experience it again. He felt, reflected, remembered how it made him feel about Vivian; He felt things! He had forgotten how to notice when he was feeling the other types of happiness, or maybe what real happiness was. These thoughts and feelings brought him back to his childhood for the first time since he was an adult. He started remembering what brought him pleasure as a child. He remembered loving building blocks, building things, creating things, being creative. His job involved destroying and buying businesses; bringing pain to others. He was very rich and had lots of external power. But he was not “happy”. He now realized he needed to work on this. He decided to join with a business owner that he had wanted to destroy and build a stronger and better business rather than destroying the business and the man and his family. He also started thinking about the fact that he and his father did not get along and that he did not want to “do life” as his father did it. It takes conscious thought and action to change our paths; to get us out of “automatic” and our comfort zones. In the movie, Edward did that: changed his path, actions, thoughts, and stepped way out of his comfort zone.

As children, most of us know how to play and do it to the max, feel our feelings, have immense curiosity and joy when we discover new wonders, love our parents, love ourselves(without ego), love life. When a child sees a beautiful flower he wants to touch it, get closer, smell it…When a child sees the sea and the beach he runs with delight to feel the sand, put his feet in the water, jump in, swim, play, build sand castles, whereby you get sand all over you. Where along the way do we lose these needs, wants and abilities?   “Life” and negative people enter our lives. We are told by controlling, negative parents to “stop doing that”, “that is childish”, “you are going to get sand all over you and have to take another shower, you are going to get sunburned, you are going to get stung by a jellyfish”, “the castle is just going to get washed away; you put it too close to the water”, “hurry up, we have to go shopping”. We are told not to feel deep feelings (especially boys), not to express deep feelings, etc; to “act like a man”, whatever that means.  It is important to rediscover the child in us, if it is lost.

This same person when taken to the beach by a woman, a grown up, will, at first,  walk on the sand in bare feet and not feel it, not experience it. He may be thinking he needs to keep his sandals on so that he “does not feel the sand and its warmth”. Maybe the feel of the sand irritates him, as do many things.  Or maybe he is thinking about “something else” and just forgets to take his sandals off. He forgets to grab the hand of the woman he is with.  He will have to retrain his soul, his heart, to feel, to focus, to see beauty and get overwhelmed by it.  He has forgotten how to play. His mind is elsewhere: thinking about other things. He will feel no desire to dip his feet in the water to feel the temperature and the feel of waves on his legs, pushing him. He will walk on the beach, or sit on the beach, but not be aware of what is going on around him: the beauty, happenings (birds, fish, boats, dolphins, changing tides, clouds, waves crashing), the warmth of the sun penetrating his skin and soul. He is afraid of getting sunburned but refuses to put sun screen on. He will later complain all night because he is sunburned. He will go in the water but has forgotten how to play in it. He will walk and notice the expensive condos, wonder how much they cost, wish he had one; will sit on the beach thinking about how he can work harder so that he can “acquire” one.  He is not there to play, experience wonder, beauty, peace, his soul, his heart, relax. At night, he will cook and eat, maybe go out to eat, come back and watch football or something. He does not even think about the sunset, then the moon and stars and the sounds of the night on the beach.

            Our adult habits (control; constant thinking: about the past and future) cause us not to be able to focus on beauty, our 5 senses and our internal needs. For instance, it helps when sitting in front of nature to close your eyes so that you can train yourself to focus on sounds, smells, breathing. For those of us who are out of practice, trying to focus on all 5 senses can be overwhelming, and we go back to “thinking” and lose the beauty of all 5 senses. When we close our eyes, we then hear everything, smell the air, etc. Maybe our sense of sight is well trained and overtakes our other senses that we don’t focus on.  And so it is with all our senses, abilities; what is not trained and used, we lose. So it is with love, feelings, thoughts… awareness.  Doing the beach is a learned skill, as is doing life.  The simple things are also the most extraordinary, but only the wise can see them (Paulo Coelho).