RELATIONSHIPS; WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDREN

What Women Want: Men who are able to feel, and enjoy being with a woman, alone

Again, here, we focus on middle age dating: the land of lots of divorced men and women, and lots of never married men. The questions that always arise are:  What caused your marriage to end?  Why have you never married?

After getting lots of vague and unbelievable answers, like, “We had not had sex in 10 years”, and after talking with lots of middle age women, I have concluded that many men just never learned how to be with a woman:  how to nurture a relationship with a woman, such as having fun with a woman, doing things that are not manly or kid oriented; how to be romantic and sexy, use “foreplay” daily, without the need for “sex”: affectionate and sexually playful; initiating lots of sitting close, hugging, kissing, touching  without the expectation of sex (in fact withholding sex after much such things can be wonderful); spending lots of quality time with your partner, including planning and executing “dates”  and play time; how to feel, be sensual, feel all your senses  and your surroundings, see and feel beauty and the wonderful qualities of your mate, and get into being in beautiful settings and around wonderful events: sunrises, sunsets, full moons, stars, beautiful trees, flowers…

Many middle age men are work-a-holics.  They enjoy their work, feel capable and skilled there. They say they are happy; But they need to also become relationship-a-holics if they want their relationship to thrive and prosper. Their partners are not happy. If men worked as hard at their relationships with women as they work “at work” , their relationships would not likely fail. They have been trained and have experience at “work”, but have not been trained or put forth any effort to learn about quality relationships with women.

Many of these men will say, “ I am fun.”  What does that mean?  His kids thought he was fun. His male friends think he is fun. But his wife did not think he was fun. They did not go out on “dates” alone, or on vacations alone. He did not plan fun alone with his wife on a regular basis, doing couple things, not just guy things such as sports… It takes being thoughtful and creative and planful and giving.

As middle age adults we have to be willing to rediscover and learn how to be alone with a partner; learn and discover new outings, new ways of having fun(playing) and exploring and getting to know our partners. We have to let go of our childhood and young adult ways of “having fun”: getting drunk, cruising for women, going to bars, sharing sob stories over a few drinks… and “days of parenting” ways of having fun, with the kids around, and discover one-on-one with the opposite sex as a middle aged person. We literally should reinvent ourselves at different stages of life, and let go of old attitudes:  “I don’t drink that because I got very sick once from it”,  “I don’t sit on the beach and roast” (his definition of the beach, from bad memories of sunburns, etc);  “I don’t go to bars ( bad memories of getting drunk, women, etc); “I have to be doing something when at the beach”: fishing, playing football or volleyball, playing with the kids… ; This man never learned how to be alone with a woman partner at the beach; Men say there’s nothing to do at the beach: no problems to solve, no planned activities; they like to do the same things they do at home on weekends.

There is a difference between a quality partner vs. a controlled partner .  Quality partners learn how to feel feelings, enjoy new experiences, new skills, leaving their comfort zone, appreciate beauty, the senses, how to have fun. The “I don’t want to sit out and roast on the beach” men need to learn how to have fun alone with a woman, invent new ways; let go of fishing, etc.  It is also attitudes:  “I don’t do that anymore;  I don’t like that;  I don’t try new ways; I prefer to do it as I have always done it”.

It means redefining your experiences and inventing wonderful new experiences: New activities/skills/experiences/feelings: “I don’t sit and roast on the beach” becomes: sitting under umbrellas in the fall/winter/spring alone with a wonderful woman and experiencing the beauty, sounds, feel of the breeze, sand, water, each other, with a tall, wonderful drink and conversation; get a condo/room ON the beach; watching the sunrise, sunset; the moon and stars “rise”, the constellations; going for long walks, holding hands, talking; reading and sharing the books; taking “naps” together(bring the Viagra); establish new traditions, rituals ( not from the old marriage, or with the kids, or from when you were young(unhealthy habits); massages; baths together, fixing wonderful grownup meals together, exploring tastes from the sea…

Marriages don’t die, great sex doesn’t die if partners put lots of focus on each other. Couples cannot concentrate only on children, but must focus and invest in quality time with their partners, alone. Men must learn how to be with women in a quality way. Middle age men must relearn how to be with women as a middle age person, letting go of old, bad experiences and attitudes of the young; letting go of how you were with kids around. Women don’t stop having sex because they want to. They stop having sex with a husband because he only shows interest in them when he wants sex. He does not nurture the relationship in the ways that a romantic relationship with a woman needs. If a man only touches me and nurtures me when he wants sex , I am going to feel neglected and un-sexy. I want to have sex with a man that is sexy, playful, fun (fun with a woman), respectful, encouraging, loving, giving, interesting, and puts a lot of effort into these things. I want to have sex with a man who is not boring when not in bed, and not boring in bed.

If you are dating a middle age man, you need to find out if the man is a quality partner in the above ways. The beach is just an example of a vacation/fun experience and a good test for lots of things.  Ask the man if he likes to vacation, when he last went on one, where he went, with whom, when he last went on a vacation alone with a romantic partner, what they did for fun, what “else” they did, the good parts, the bad parts. If he starts listing all the negatives, run. Ask him what he did (vacations/fun/dates) with his wife. Did they do it often? Did they go on lots of outings without the kids? (we don’t want to hear, “we couldn’t afford it”; couples must invest in alone/romantic times or they will lose their most precious investment); romantic outings do not have to cost a lot of money; it just takes an investment of time, creativity, eagerness, planning together.

Take him on a “vacation”, away from his home! This will tell you a lot!