RELATIONSHIPS; WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDREN

Relationships that are quality

How do we find happiness in a relationship?  We start by finding a quality partner.  Future articles will discuss what to do if you are already in a relationship, married, etc., and what to do to improve quality. But we should take the dating stage very seriously. If we think we will just get married and that things will “get better”, we are deceiving ourselves. Or if we think that love conquers all, we are not being realistic. When dating, we have to be able to focus on not only infatuation, butterflies, and all the good things, but also on the negative things. If there are too many negative things red flags should go up: negative  words, attitudes, values, behavior, lots of anger…  In the end, years later, the negatives will outweigh the positives.

What is quality? Some of the things we are looking for are love and intimacy, fun, a happy person, respect, encouragement, good communication, chemistry, acceptance, affection, attention, appreciation(focusing on your positives), love of life, good problem solving,  and a person who handles stress well. In a later article we will explore what these things really mean.  You are not going to keep dating a person if the positives are not there. But just as important is to make sure you notice and address the negatives.  When looking for a partner we will of course see people with a few bad qualities. We all have these. It is our job to figure out which bad qualities we can live with, which quirks or bad qualities might work with our own quirks, who we are compatible with. But what we need to identify is those people with lots of bad qualities.

One way to do this is to be able to identify “controlling” people. These people have many bad qualities. You do not want to be with these people long term unless you know they realize they are controlling and are willing to learn new skills, values, attitudes, behaviors. But also realize this awareness and willingness to learn and change are rare with controllers.  It is a good idea to stay away from controlling people. They usually are not happy and will make you unhappy. A few traits of controlling people are:

1)      Wants to control others; judge them, criticize them; give them advice, order them around; tell them what to do, when, where, how to do it; argues a lot; is often irritated, irritable(anger, anxiety)(anger: yelling, raging); has their own definitions of right and wrong ; “my way or the highway” attitude; there is only one way to do things: my way; perceives things and people negatively; looks for mistakes;

2)      Doesn’t want to be controlled, told what to do; perceives ideas and recommendations as telling them what to do, or criticizing or challenging their ideas;  when you have ideas they see you as thinking you are smarter, have better ideas than them; can’t apologize; can’t admit mistakes;

3)      Is not in “control” of themselves: of their actions, attitudes, words, thoughts, perceptions; their lives are often out of control: jobs, relationships; can’t handle frustration; lack of patience; so they try to control their immediate environment: house, loved ones; value turmoil (so they can use their advice skills, obtain power, and get attention); are ego-oriented: have a need for approval; never feel they are good enough(due to how they were parented);

4)      Has the need to stay in “their comfort zone”. This person was given messages as a child: it is not OK to make mistakes: they develop a fear of failure; so they do not usually try new things; They feel very “safe” in their home, sometimes at work, and doing things that they have always done and are good at; they are not terribly comfortable in social situations, unless it is a sporting event;  they feel control when in their car;

Lastly, don’t forget to talk about what you are looking for in a relationship and about things that scare you off, with your potential partner. Tell your dating partner what you like about them often, but talk about red flags also.