RELATIONSHIPS; WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDREN

Relationships “on the beach”

As we discussed in previous articles, dating is the time to “discover” your potential life partner, and that control is one indicator of bad things ahead.  We mentioned that one of the indicators of a controlling person is the need to stay in “their comfort zone”. This person was given messages as a child: it is not OK to make mistakes: they develop a fear of failure; so they do not usually try new things; They feel very “safe” in their home, sometimes at work, and doing things that they have always done and are good at. Also, controllers are taught not to feel; not to feel deep feelings and express them. They must be in control of themselves.  We looked at an example of a date on a beach vacation.

Of course “doing the beach” is just an example of being able to enjoy life in the moment; to be able to enjoy moments where you cannot control, judge, cause what is going to happen next; of being able to relax and not think, not think of the past, the future, what is happening at work; to let go of “I must”, “I should”, “I need to”…

Linda never realized until dating that there were so many people who are “asleep” at the beach…asleep in life. As Father Anthony de Mello said, ”Most  people, even though they don’t know it, are asleep…they never understand the loveliness and the beauty of this thing that we call human existence”.  http://www.ascensiongateway.com/quotes/anthony-de-mello/index.htm    She also realized lots of “grown-up” men have pronounced comfort zones, where they feel comfortable, and don’t like leaving those comfort zones— to reach out and try and experience new things, new feelings. These men say they like trying new things, but they don’t. They say lots of things in their dating profiles, which are not true. Some of these men actually are not lying on purpose. They use the verbage, ”love to try new things; love the beach, am a romantic ,etc” . They just don’t know what those things mean. It was rather amazing.

So, for many men, the beach is not paradise. Linda was not sure these men had a “paradise”. They were not connected enough to life and living, loving, to themselves, to feel much of anything except negativity. They all seemed very good at complaining, judging, criticizing. They all liked to tell Linda what to do, and how to do things, and to give directions. So what is this thing where these men like to give directions, but will not take directions? They all seemed unhappy to Linda, though they said they were happy. There was no enthusiasm and joy in these men— no inner peace. They were unable to feel love and love others. You hear the suggestion to “stop and smell the roses”. So many men cannot or will not do this; In the same way they cannot go to the beach and feel and smell and listen and see the unbelievable beauty and oneness with the universe and nature. You cannot “do the beach” if you are hyperactive, if you cannot stop thinking, thinking, thinking, if you cannot slow down and pause. You cannot be open to the newness and wonders of the beach if your mind is polluted with past stories, past ways of “doing it” — if you are a closed person— if you fear newness— if you are driven by I must, I should—if you must have a “plan”, if you are unable to enjoy the now and shut out the past and future (fear and worry)—if you are a controller. All of these men did not understand when Linda wanted to end their “relationships”. They thought things were going well. Not!

Part of “being with someone” is being able to enjoy your life together. To talk, to feel, to laugh, play, to enjoy romance, enjoy the world around us together, to enjoy intimacy often, not just when having sex. When dating, we should figure out if our partner not only enjoys his or her fun activities with friends, and by themselves, but also when with us.  Are we in touch with each other, with beauty, with couple fun, with “making love”; are we good at “letting go” and just enjoying one another?  Does your partner just “need” someone to be with on dates, for dinner, etc., or do they want  to be with YOU? Do they experience joy and happiness when with you? Are they open to experiencing you and learning about you and liking what they learn?