RELATIONSHIPS; WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDREN

Quality relationships: where they come from

In past articles we have been talking about connecting with potential partners and partners and the dynamics of control in a relationship. So where does a controlling person come from? They come from their parents; how they were parented. When we talk about relationships, we should talk about all close relationships, including parenting. This is where we learn how to form relationships and what relationships look like. So as we talk about romantic relationships, keep in mind that all close relationships need the same things, (the positive things we talked about in past articles).

There is a huge number of people in their 40’s, 50’s, 60’s who are control freaks, and are unhappy, and unsuccessful in relationships—both adult relationships and in parenting relationships. It is in my view an epidemic and one which needs to be curtailed. It is passed from generation to generation by parents. The easiest way to break this epidemic is to learn effective, positive parenting, but if you are past that stage and are having trouble with relationships, due to control and negativity, you can re-parent yourself by learning how to let go of negative parenting (how you were parented), and re-learn how to develop relationships and love yourself. We now know that the old way of parenting: dictatorial, negative, controlling, was not effective in producing happy, successful adults, who were/are successful in relationships. Also, this discussion will help you to identify controlling people .

As we discuss effective, positive parenting, just plug in your parents. You will realize that you either had quality parenting, or not. Awareness is step one. Then you just start using the skills, attitudes, qualities in your relationships, and with yourself: be kind to yourself. All of these parenting tips are simply good relationship skills, good management skills. Remember that control characteristics occur on a continuum: You, or a potential partner, may have very few, or no, controlling tendencies. Or you may be only moderately controlling. However, the pointers and self awareness tips in this article, and future articles, are simply positive living and loving tips that can be helpful to everyone. Take what you need and leave the rest. That is really what we should do in any situation with people, books, news shows: take what is helpful and leave the rest. It is always good to hear “other points of view”, other ideas, to expand one’s horizons. Only a controlling person is unable or unwilling to listen to, read what others have to say. Listening to all points of view is one way we tend to move to “the center”, be balanced.

So how do you know if your parents were positive/effective parents? If you ask people in counseling if they think their parents did a good job, most will say “yes”. Here are some questions to ask yourself:  the goals of parenting are to raise happy, successful people. So you can ask yourself,  “do I have the following qualities for success and happiness?” :  (does my potential partner have these qualities?):  honesty, positive mental attitude, loving, dependable, committed, persistent, loyal, responsible,  a “good-finder”, have wisdom, a good listener, thoughtful;  or as Daniel Goleman states in , Emotional Intelligence,  http://danielgoleman.info/topics/emotional-intelligence/  , do you have these qualities: optimism, hope, ability to control anxiety, motivate oneself, persist in the face of frustration, regulate one’s moods, ability to control impulse, to empathize?

Future articles will discuss how to re-parent yourself to have these qualities, (and continue to identify and stay away from super control freaks). Remember, you were a child when you were parented. Your qualities, skills, behaviors, attitudes, beliefs, values, perceptions, expectations were shaped when you were an immature child. When we become adults it is our job to re-examine, re-think all these things with our adult minds, abilities, desire and wisdom. That is how we become wise. You will discover that if your parent(s) were controlling, you will need to rethink many things, and learn new attitudes, skills, ways of being with people. We should never just say, “ well, that’s how I was raised, so I will do it that way”,  or  think necessarily that the way our parents did it is a quality way. We should always be open to improvement, as adults; learning new things. Controllers are not open to learning, learning new ways; they think they already have all the answers. “You do not need to tell me that. I already knew that. Don’t tell me what to do. Don’t try to change me!”