RELATIONSHIPS; WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDREN

How to have encouragement in a relationship

Use encouragement with your partner. Learn to celebrate being with a female (or male). They are different from you, just as children are. Don’t try to make them like you, compare them to you. Examples of encouraging words: (what you value), you are: considerate, giving, kind, loving, affectionate, funny, a good friend, patient, a great help, fun to be with, you enjoyed that, thanks, you are good at…, worked so hard on that, brave, honest, tackled that problem, are a thinker. Remember, you will not be able to use encouragement if you are not involved in your partner’s (child’s) life: If you don’t do things together, share experiences, have fun together, have intellectual interests, (things in common); you won’t have things to talk about and share; if you are a man, don’t expect your partner to only do “male” things: watch sports, etc. Partners need to find  things to do together that is good for both of them. You have to have something to talk about with a woman and children besides sports.  As a couple, try doing “things” together around the house: chores, cooking, anything!  Everything is a lot more fun if done with a loved one.

One of the traits of controlling people is the tendency to do the “I want to do it myself, mommy” thing. They want to do everything “themselves”; because they do it better, and the way they want it done, the best way, better than you, quicker than you. They do not do “group” activities well. They do not do “couple” activities well. They do not do tasks “with” their children. When they want something done they either do it themselves (and get mad because no one else helped, or someone else did it poorly and they have to redo it correctly), or get a child (or partner) to do it. Then when the child (partner) has finished, they criticize and tell them how they should’ve done it. These controllers are stuck in the 2 year old stage. When they tried to exert themselves as 2 year olds, do things themselves, they were thwarted. Their parent was furious when they exerted themselves. This parent continued to do everything for the 2 year old because a 2 year old does not do things well. A controller cannot tolerate how a child does things: not up to par; not like I would do it. So this parent finds it “easier” and less time consuming, less stressful, to just do it themselves. “ It is better, quicker, easier done by me”. When this 2 year old did actually do things, was allowed to do things, he was criticized for not doing it well enough. They start getting the message, “I am not good enough. I don’t do anything well. I am a failure”.  This child continues to get these messages for the rest of their childhood years. When they become adults—parents and/or partners, are in relationships— they still need to show that they are valuable and “good enough”; still have a need to “do it myself mommy”; to control their situations. And their controlling parent has instilled in them that the only way to do things is perfectly; that what you value when you do things is perfection; doing it better than others. So good parenting with a 2 year old involves letting them “do it”!; and then encourage them;  encourage them to be proud of themselves, not expecting perfection, be positive and lose the negativity and  need to control and judge, AND developing a good relationship with an adult (romantic interest/spouse) involves the same things: be positive, lose the negativity, the need to judge and control, don’t expect them to do things as you do them, encourage and respect them and how they do things, and have lots of fun together.

So, when in a relationship with a controller, you will not find someone who enjoys cooking together (being playful while cooking; having great conversation, learning new skills, trying new recipes, messing up, food fights, messing up the kitchen, making a new concoction made up of both of your strengths and weaknesses…). You will find a person who wants to do it themselves, the way that they do it, or have you do it, and them either criticize it, not eat it, or turn their nose up at it, or offer ways to do it better. You will not find a person who enjoys “couple” activities. He needs to “be” with someone, in order not to be alone, but you will often feel as if you are “alone”, “lonely”, even when you are with him. He just does not know how to “be” with someone—how to connect emotionally, mentally, intellectually, playfully.

Use encouragement with yourself: encourage yourself when you are aware of your moods, attitudes, and thoughts, when you are thinking and saying positive things, when you feel joy. Think how happy you will be when you give up the need to control.

With children, it is the parent’s job to structure a child’s life so that they do things that they enjoy and are good at: have activities that they value. (males need to have something besides sports); controllers will set children up for failure: give them tasks that they know the child may not be good at; may not know how to do; and then correct them, criticize them. Controlling fathers enjoy getting their son into sports and then pushing them, criticizing them, comparing them, emphasizing winning (being the best) etc.  Boys must also be involved in activities where they can learn to value the other things listed above. I found that discipline (using consequences) does not work if a child does not have activities that they value, enjoy doing, and are good at; BECAUSE these are the things we take away, use as consequences, when disciplining. You cannot say to a teen, (as a consequence): “You cannot go walk the streets today”. They don’t care; it is not a consequence. Teens must have activities that they value. It is the parent’s job to make sure that they do.

Effective teachers, leaders, and managers don’t play the roles of “know-it-all”, judge, critic, psychologist, moralist: the know-it–all lectures, advises, and shows how superior they are, that they know the best way; the moralist says “you should do this…”; the judge says I am right and you are wrong; the critic criticizes and uses sarcasm and ridicule; the psychologist tries to fix everything: knows all the answers. Neither should parents, and people in relationships, play these roles. Parents are really teachers, leaders, managers in their homes.

Plug in all the above as ways to be with people in a relationship; learn to use encouragement; avoid criticism; focus on your partner’s strengths and assets. Be kind.  Know that there are other ways of doing things besides your way. Adults use punishment too: withdrawing love and affection. Adults need to, instead, use communication, consequences, and express feelings about things that affect them negatively: use “I” messages, (more later).