RELATIONSHIPS; WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDREN

Encouragement: a relationship skill that controllers lack

In the last article we talked about encouragement: what it is. “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.”  We must find ourselves, and find the ability to appreciate beauty, talent, and uniqueness. Controllers are unable to let their breath be taken; they are too “controlled”.  A controller would look at a rose and feel nothing; have no desire to smell it, touch it. He would only see the thorns and notice that it would be dead soon and need to be cut to keep his garden neat. Remember the old adage that we have to take the thorns with the beauty of the rose; that life is like a rose with beauty and thorns; it is a package deal. A controller only sees the thorns: the things “wrong”; sees how God could’ve done better. This is the way controllers look at children (and at you);  Lots of imperfections!  And “I am great at spotting your imperfections!” ( I am smart and talented).  “I can tell you how to improve!”

A controller would look at a beach and not feel anything; nothing on that beach will take their breath away. A controller looks at children and sees imperfect beings needing lots of instruction and advice; someone who messes up his house and his world. The beauty, wonder, and joy of children will never take his breath away. A controller can practice getting in touch with beauty (and stress management) by sitting in front of a rose: focus only on the rose and its beauty, smell, touch; try to see every petal, every remarkable shape, color change, texture change…everything! Look at the stem, its twists and turns, the thorns, the pattern they are in; let go of all thoughts of the past and future; be in the now; breathe. Do not let your thoughts drift to negatives; negative judgment etc.

Remember, praise is reserved for things well done. It is fake with 2-4 year olds because they don’t do things “very well”; certainly not up to an adult controller’s standards. So, young kids don’t get much “praise” from controllers. They do get lots of advice and criticism: advice after having done a task (having done it “wrong”). We need to use encouragement with young children, and all people. An example of encouragement: my 4 year old daughter brought home a “drawing” from preschool. She said,  “ Here mom. Here is my artwork from today”. It looked like she had folded it 4 ways and scribbled different colors in each of 4 squares. A negative, controller would either put it down without saying anything (because it is not very good, or not worth commenting about: they are disappointed), or say, “ You should not have even bothered; it looks like scribbles”, “what is it?”,(laugh at it), or ”you should try to make it look like something, put more effort into it”, or even use praise: “that’s great”, which is meaningless and fake. The child would then either grab it and throw it away, or quit trying to do artwork at school. The child will be angry at you; feel criticized: all bad.

A positive, encourager would look at it for a while trying to think like a 4 year old, try to imagine what it could be, what thought went into it, if any; and if maybe no thought went into it, you can put some thought into it and teach creativity for the next time.  Say, “ This looks like the 4 seasons to me. I see fall colors in this square, summer, winter, spring colors in these squares. Is that what you saw?” Encouragement teaches you to focus on all the good things in life and teach them to your children. It opens up communication instead of cutting it off. It teaches the child to self-evaluate and self-praise.  My daughter said,  “yea, mom that’s what it is”, with enthusiasm. It teaches you to celebrate children and what they are all about. You may be an adult already who appreciates Picasso and all the greats. But when we have children we have to learn to appreciate children, and celebrate the wonders of childhood; to use enjoyment and enthusiasm.  Encouragement says, “ I enjoy being with you, listening to you”.  Encouragement teaches unconditional love: my love is not tied to good behavior; you doing it the best; Even when I’m correcting you I love you. Not, “I love you only when you do what I say”.  We become teachers, leaders, and managers as parents. Think about it; teachers, leaders, and managers don’t criticize people; focus on negativity and all those negative things controlling parents do. Controlling parents don’t teach anything but negativity, the need to control and have power over others, the “I can’t do it attitude”. They do not build the “courage to be imperfect”.

Controllers can’t encourage because they don’t see the goodness of life, of beauty, of children, of people they are in relationships with; don’t know what to value and encourage. They do not have realistic expectations of people and beauty, this world, and  have controllers’ attitudes: “I wanna do it myself: I do it better; it is better done by me”;  “She needs to do it “right” (like I do it)”. Controllers don’t have(see) opportunities for encouragement; often don’t have things/activities in their lives to encourage(like fun): more in the next article.

When a child(partner) is: working hard, contributing, being kind, having fun, putting forth effort, being “good”, thinking something through, exercising stress management,  being happy, improving,  etc., it is time to encourage!  It is not time to criticize! It is our job to notice and find those times, and create those times. When a child(partner) is having a hard time, is frustrated, etc., it is time to encourage! It is not time to tell them what they did wrong, tell them how to do it better(training/problem solving can be done later); use reflective listening(understand how they are feeling); listen and hug.