RELATIONSHIPS; WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDREN

Control in relationships

In my previous article I introduced the issue of “control” in relationships.  I identified it as one of the most negative “conditions” that keeps quality relationships from developing and that destroys relationships. There is an epidemic of control in this society and we need to stem it. Not only do we need to be able to identify a potential partner that is controlling, but we also need to identify controlling tendencies in ourselves, become self-aware and learn new and better skills, attitudes, perceptions, behaviors, so that we can be happy and contribute to happiness in our relationships.  We need to know what our values are. Do we/our partners value power, control, being right, being the best at the expense of others, etc.?  Or do we value kindness, peace, fun, happiness, enjoying the “now”, etc.? We, as adults, have to consciously decide to be positive, notice positives, and speak positives with those we care about: be respectful and encouraging, and not try to control others.

As I mentioned, the dating months are a good time to identify positives and negatives.  Following is an example of control in a dating situation.

Sam was a man who professed to “love the beach”. Linda and Sam  went to the beach for 4 days. Linda quickly learned Sam could not do the beach without booze—lots of it. He could only sit still on the beach if he had a drink in his hand. He was a planner. He had planned all his “drinks” for the week and brought all the fixings. Before leaving to go out of town, he also planned what they would eat each day, at each meal and for appetizers. Most of the fixings he bought beforehand. Sam was a control freak. He wanted to control what Linda did, when she did it, how she did it, so that he could do what he wanted to do, when and how he wanted to do it. He told her when they would go down to the beach each day, how long they would stay, what they would bring, when and what lunch and dinner would be. He was a person who went to the beach as a child and young adult. He was raised on “doing activities” while at the beach: fishing, crabbing, kayaking, shopping, etc. So he also had not learned how to “enjoy the beach”. Whenever there was a pause in the day with Linda he would say, “OK, what now?” Pausing, just relaxing, just “being”, was not in his makeup. One day they needed to go to the grocery store for dinner. Sam had decided what the menu would be. They traveled the aisles with Sam saying, “We need this….” Linda would say, ”Let’s get this”. Sam would say no.

The final indicators came on the departure morning—time to pack. Sam decided to pack the ice chest with the vast amount of food and drinks left in the refrigerator. He got started. Linda could tell there was a “strict” way to pack his ice chest. About 5 minutes later he said, ”why don’t you come help!?”  She started placing things in the chest. Immediately he said, ”no, no, that goes here, that goes there; you have to do it right.” So Linda walked away so that Sam could do it according to his rules. Out at the huge SUV, Sam started putting stuff into the car. Linda started helping, putting her stuff in. Immediately Sam said,” No, that can’t go in yet. No that has to go there”. He took her things out, so she walked away and let Sam do it. He was very perturbed at Linda. He told her so. So she explained to him that he was a control freak and had been all week and had to have things his way and that they would not be compatible. She found him over the top weird. Those are things you uncover by spending 4 days with a person, especially on a “vacation”. In the mornings he would stand in the doorway of the bathroom while she got ready and tap his foot. She thought at first he was just enjoying watching her get ready, but soon realized it was his way of saying, “hurry up, I’m ready to go”.

Sam is controlling. We may tend, in the beginning of dating, to think that this person is trying to “take care of me”, do nice things for me. There is a huge difference. Controlling behavior is a syndrome made up of lots of behaviors, attitudes… Look back at the four indicators of control. Awareness is step one.