RELATIONSHIPS; WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDREN

Control in a relationship comes from the parenting relationship

So, quality relationships come from two people getting together who were parented in a quality way. Control in a relationship comes from one (or two) person entering a relationship who was parented in a non-quality way.

There is an epidemic of controlling people, mostly men, in this society. It is mostly men because the cycle begins with fathers being dictatorial and controlling with their sons. They tend to be harder on their sons than on their daughters. They want to make sure their sons become strong, forceful, and “the best”. These fathers value the wrong things/traits in their sons. But mostly these fathers were fathered this way. The cycle of unhappy men is carried on from generation to generation by poor parenting—poor fathering. We tend to parent the way that we were parented unless we learn how to do it differently. The only way we learn to do it differently, or want to do it differently, or even realize we need to do it differently, is by realizing that we are unhappy;  that we are not doing well in relationships, and not doing well in life, and that was caused by very poor parenting—usually by our fathers. That is not to discount the dysfunction that can come from our mothers. But here we are talking about control mainly.

What is missing with controlling men is knowing how to develop and keep a strong relationship with a woman. What is missing is knowing how to enjoy the moment and be happy in “the now”. Controlling men are in “perfect” control when they are in their houses alone, or driving alone, or on the computer alone, or at work, as long as they get along with their bosses, or don’t have bosses. Many controllers end up having their own businesses because they cannot handle authority figures. But they want a companion to do things with. This companion is fine as long as they do what the man wants to do, how he wants it done, believes as the man believes, and doesn’t have ideas. Then the man has to be in control of another person—and it is a big job if that person is living with him. And he doesn’t mind having to be in control, except his job of dictating, judging, correcting, scolding, arguing becomes a full-time job. This is fine as long as the woman listens and doesn’t talk back or get mad. But if the woman talks back, or has ideas, he becomes unhappy—and so does she. Happiness for controlling men hinges on being in control—being in their comfort zone. These men do not know how to just be with a person—just have fun, interesting, playful, meaningful conversations—especially with women. They seem to have fun when with men, discussing or participating in sports (if they are raised on sports), or at work with other competitive men—men who sit around criticizing others, criticizing their wives, criticizing the politicians who don’t think like them…but they never learned how to just be with people—women, children, all people.

Happiness involves positive attitudes, self-acceptance, and acceptance of others as they are. These men’s controlling fathers did not model how to be successfully with a woman. They probably saw their fathers being cold, unaffectionate, unaccepting —ordering their mothers around, arguing, criticizing, expecting to be waited on. They did not see their fathers having fun with their mothers, giving affection regularly. Controlling men were raised by controlling fathers (and sometimes controlling mothers).But the scenario is usually controlling father, unhappy mother.

We need to be aware of where we came from and what effect it had on us, and on those we date. Once we are aware then we can become aware of specific “practices”, behaviors, parenting techniques that either produce healthy people or controlling people. Then we can re-parent ourselves if need be, and stay away from controllers: more in future articles.