What Women Want: Men who are not zombies

29 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , ,

We  talk about scary things and zombies at Halloween time, and now zombies are all the rage on TV; time to be scared, fearful. Many middle aged men are scared, fearful all year long…of love, getting close, getting hurt, rejected; scared of being vulnerable. So they protect themselves from these things. They close up emotionally. All experts will tell them the only way to find true love is to put yourself out there. Take off your costumes, masks, defenses, past hurts. Be aware of the past and what was done wrong, fix what can be fixed, let go of what can’t be changed, and move on. We cannot be thinking about the past, or the future(because we can’t see the future), in a relationship. We must be fully in the present; fully with the one we are with, and fully with ourselves. We have to be skilled in shutting out negative thoughts, feelings that pop into our heads and putting ourselves back into the present and all the wonderful things in the present.

Women often talk about being with men who are “not really there” when they are with them. They are often “emotionally checked out”. They are zombies. It is scary! Another word for these men is “space cadets”. When with these men we can tell that they are “somewhere else”. Experts will tell you that their minds are in the past or future; thinking about negative things that happened in the past(worrying), or worrying about the future, even the rest of the day or week. To be emotionally available we have to let go of fear. We cannot change the past and we certainly cannot cause the future in relationships. The most effective thing we can do is be fully in the present: be into the person we are with. What’s ironic is that all the worrying we do to try to improve the present is the very thing that messes up the present.

Men also have to be willing to be hurt and/or rejected. It’s part of loving. Your fear of being hurt can cause you not ever to be hurt again: be alone for the rest of your life. You have all heard the phrase, “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” ; so true. Egos also get in the way big time. If your ego keeps you from going after someone, or saying something or doing something: sticking yourself out there, because it doesn’t what you to be rejected, you have to learn to not operate from your ego. I have also heard ego-oriented men say they don’t compliment women because they don’t want the women to get big heads: don’t want the woman to feel they are better than them. They want to keep the women “down there” so that they, the men, can elevate themselves “up there”. Egos are very bad in relationships, and in life.

There is spooky talk of zombies evolving into our day and time; that there really are zombies. Middle age women will tell you that there are LOTS of men zombies out there. They can’t listen, think, be mindful, use their 5 senses to see, feel beauty, wonder, play, touch, to really see women. They can’t feel and show real romantic love with a woman.When you talk to them, they are off somewhere else, in zombie land, with no eye contact. They grunt, look at you blankly, can’t feel, don’t like touch and giving. When driving with them they are off somewhere else. Single, middle age men become zombies after many years of fear, negativity, ego: closing themselves off: their hearts, souls, minds dry up. How more zombie can you get? It’s pretty scary!

What Women Want: Men who are not psychos

29 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , ,

Dating over the age of 50

We are born. We are parented: either poorly or in a quality way. We leave home and attempt to make it on our own. If we are parented well, we usually become happy, successful, healthy (emotionally, mentally, physically, and in relationships), responsible (behaving responsibly), and self-disciplined, able to think about how we can be positive, contributing people (mindfulness), and aware of our basic beliefs and values.

If we are parented poorly, we start off our young adult years rudderless, directionless, not responsibly, not self-disciplined, and able only to think about ourselves. We often don’t know or think about our beliefs and values: we just think as our parents told us to think. We often have “ineffective” values: I value me and mine, being rich, greed, being better than the Jones’, competition, being better than others, power and control, being “right”, getting away with doing wrong: lying, manipulating. As these young people get older and experience frustration, the consequences of their poor decisions/choices, and irresponsibility, they often grow angry, depressed: their emotional/mental health starts suffering. They find that they are not successful in relationships. They no longer have their parents there to pick up the pieces, fix things, do things for them, keep them from experiencing consequences. If the situation is really bad, some young people commit suicide. Some just go on, into life, suffering more relationship failures, career failures, and being a poor parent (keeping the cycle going). Some learn to lie and manipulate even more. Some, if they are narcissists, go on to become successful in their career, but are unsuccessful in relationships.

Some of these people just continue through life rudderless, mindless, just taking life as it comes, not thinking about whether they are happy or not. They don’t have a clue how to improve their lives, and don’t want to think about it. They don’t know what “happy, healthy” is; what good relationships are. They go into automatic: doing things as their parents did it, which is not good if their parents “did life” and relationships poorly; They stress out very easily, and so try to avoid stress at all costs. But life involves stress, good and bad stress. Moving forward, change, love, trying new things…it all involves stress. If we avoid stress, we avoid life. Often they further check-out by using alcohol or drugs.

Some of these people continue on a pattern of being unhappy, unsuccessful in relationships, and try to figure out how to fix things, but have no coping skills. They often turn to lying, manipulating, breaking the law. When they do these things, they often develop fear, defense mechanisms, delusions, paranoia. Fear begets fear, begets more lies, more manipulation, more frustration… These people sometimes become psychopaths/sociopaths. By the time these people reach their 50’s, 60’s, their mental illness is fully entrenched and reaching critical stage. Unfortunately, when dating over the age of 50, we run into these mentally ill people. Most of them are not married, so they are plentiful in the dating pool. They are masters at lying, manipulating, and pretending. Many times they have become delusional and actually believe the lies they tell. It is very difficult to discover the illness until you actually move in with a person, they realize they “have you” and can stop the hard work of pretending, and some of the façade starts breaking down. But they have to work very hard not to expose themselves and their big lies. They know you are watching them daily, and they become even more paranoid. Many new marriages over the age of 50 end quickly because of this.

We have to be especially careful of people who want to date “long distance”, as it is easier to lie and hide things when we don’t see each other often. It is an excellent idea to do a background check on potential partners which will detail criminal history, bankruptcies, numbers of marriages, divorces, relatives, numbers of addresses/moves, numbers of jobs, etc. Ask for a copy of their most recent resume, and check it for accuracy. It is also good to check a university to see if they attended, and the armed forces to find out if they served and how and why they were discharged. You will need their social security number for this. You can then call ex-wives, children, places of work, etc. to get an accurate picture of a person. Be careful about moving to another state to live with a new love interest, being especially careful if moving in with them into a house that they own. Unless you have the money to move and get out quickly if needed, and find and book a new place to live, you are at risk. You will need to be able to afford an out-of-state lawyer. If leaving a psycho you will need to find a window of opportunity, in secret, to get your belongings out of a house that he/she owns. and on it goes: very risky! If you live in the same city while dating, after you leave a psycho, you may need to get a protective order to keep him/her away from you.

One thing that is missing with these men is knowing how to develop and keep a strong relationship with a woman. What is missing is knowing how to enjoy the moment and be happy in “the now”. Controlling/psycho men are in “perfect” control when they are in their houses alone, or driving alone, or on the computer alone, or at work, as long as they get along with their bosses, or don’t have bosses. Many controllers end up having their own businesses because they cannot handle authority figures. But they want a companion to do things with. This companion is fine as long as they do what the man wants to do, how he wants it done, believes as the man believes, and doesn’t have ideas. Then the man has to be in control of another person—and it is a big job if that person is living with him. And he doesn’t mind having to be in control, except his job of dictating, judging, correcting, scolding, arguing becomes a full-time job. This is fine as long as the woman listens and doesn’t talk back or get mad. But if the woman talks back, or has ideas, he becomes unhappy—and so does she.

Happiness for controlling men hinges on being in control—being in their comfort zone. These men do not know how to just be with a person—just have fun, interesting, playful, meaningful conversations—especially with women. They seem to have fun when with men, discussing or participating in sports (if they are raised on sports), or at work with other competitive men—men who sit around criticizing others, criticizing their wives, criticizing the politicians who don’t think like them…but they never learned how to just be with people—women, children, all people.

Happiness involves positive attitudes, self-acceptance, and acceptance of others as they are. These men’s controlling fathers did not model how to be successfully with a woman. They probably saw their fathers being cold, unaffectionate, unaccepting — ordering their mothers around, arguing, criticizing, expecting to be waited on. They did not see their fathers having fun with their mothers, giving affection regularly. Controlling men were raised by controlling fathers (and sometimes controlling mothers).But the scenario is usually controlling father, unhappy mother.

There is an epidemic of controlling people, mostly men, in this society. It is mostly men because the cycle begins with fathers being dictatorial and controlling with their sons. They tend to be harder on their sons than on their daughters. They want to make sure their sons become strong, forceful, and “the best”. These fathers value the wrong things/traits in their sons. But mostly these fathers were fathered this way. The cycle of unhappy men is carried on from generation to generation by poor parenting— poor fathering. We tend to parent the way that we were parented unless we learn how to do it differently. The only way we learn to do it differently, or want to do it differently, or even realize we need to do it differently, is by realizing that we are unhappy; that we are not doing well in relationships, and not doing well in life, and that was caused by very poor parenting—usually by our fathers. That is not to discount the dysfunction that can come from our mothers. But here we are talking about control mainly.

Peter had a double whammy from his parents: a mean, controlling father and a cold, unloving, unhappy mother. The father was abusive, and emotionally abusive and neglectful (neglectful of having fun and being positive with his son; showing love), but the mother was also emotionally neglectful. You have to remember though, that when a woman lives with a controlling, negative man she is very likely to become unhappy. As a result of Peter’s behaviors, lies, fear, and ego over the years, building up over the years, he developed mental illness. This man was fearful all his life—of not being “good enough”, of being wrong, not being able to “get what he wanted”, of being “found out”, being controlled by his ego—so he lied more, manipulated more. His fears brought on lies, which brought on more fears, which brought on paranoia, amnesia, depression, manic behavior, phobias, sleep and eating disorders, obsession-compulsion, delusions, delusions of grandeur, dissociative disorders. He was out of touch with reality. When he did bad things he dissociated himself from the bad thing. He was unable to see consequences. He told Linda, “sometimes I do bad things, but not on purpose”. How profound: he obviously had never thought about that statement, what it means and how to “not do bad things”. Such is mental illness.

In my opinion, and the opinions of others who have written about Donald Trump, Donald Trump is a psychopath. He is mentally ill and his disorders include narcissism and control issues, pathological lying, authoritarianism. After reading books and articles about him, the above profile meets his life growing up: mean, authoritarian, alcoholic father; unhappy mother; he was with a nurse or caregiver for many months after he was born; his mother was unable to care for him; his brother was also an alcoholic and committed suicide; parents sent him away to military school at a young age….. Trump has been unsuccessful in his marriages, and America deserves a strong, mentally healthy person as president.

What Women Want: Men who are good relationship communicators

25 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: ,

What Women Want: Men who are good relationship communicators

Controllers don’t communicate well. They argue, tell you what to do, criticize, order, command, yell, remind, nag, threaten etc. They think it implies smarts and skill. It is actually easy to argue with others. Skilled conversation means being able to initiate intelligent, meaningful, thoughtful, interesting, non-threatening conversation, or to simply be a good listener and reflecter. Communication is the glue that holds relationships together. It is so important. It says, “I enjoy talking with you”. If your parent was not a good communicator, you will have to learn how to do it, and let go of his negative, ineffective ways. All of the tips above and below will teach you how to start communicating positively and get into meaningful, connecting conversations. There is communication for many reasons, one being simply connecting and sharing. Communication is crucial. It is the 1st step in conflict resolution and prevention.

If you were raised by a controller, you were not allowed to feel and express feelings, especially negative feelings. They see it as weakness. You will have to learn how to do this and give yourself permission to feel and discuss it with others. A controller will order you to do something, put a finger in your face. When you order me to do something I am less likely to do it:
Listening: listening is one of our best communication tools. When a child or adult is talking, just listen. It is called active listening. People love it when they feel someone is really listening to them. So when someone is talking, be still and listen: turn your mind off except to be hearing their voice inflections, their feelings, except to be looking into their eyes and noticing what their eyes are doing, how they look, what they are saying, their mouth speaking, lips moving….. do not focus on correcting them, arguing with them, one-upping them; do not interrupt; do not be thinking about you are going to say next; calm down and breathe; then use reflective listening; reflect feelings; if you say something like, “wow, you must’ve been really angry…”, this will cause the conversation to continue, with feedback like, “ yea, I was because…..”. When you start giving advice or trying to fix them or fix their problem, you close off communication. People do not like to be told what to do. If you are a controller that likes to tell others what to do, but do not like to be told what to do, think about it. What a paradox!

Apologize when you have done something wrong or inconsiderate. It shows strength and character. Controllers don’t apologize because they never think that they have done anything wrong, and that it shows weakness to apologize. An apology is simply, “I’m sorry”. Don’t “take away” the apology by saying, “I’m sorry BUT, you never…you always….you need to…”. Then it becomes an attacking “you” message.

Peter: Communication when in a social situation with his wife present: He is a very poor communicator when it comes to listening and initiating meaningful, positive conversation. He is an expert in negative communication. He listens for opportunities to argue and correct people, especially his wife. So, he waits for his wife to speak and then argues, corrects, or makes fun of her. Peter had virtually no pleasant happy past, so he has a very hard time finding pleasant things to talk about. Example: at a party Peter was pointing out to everyone how many clothes and shoes Linda had, “It is ridiculous”…. He has belittled her, and then he hopes she will start arguing with him. This is conversation for Peter.

Threatening: controllers often use threats to gain control. Threats can be very damaging. In the least they are just bad. Peter used threats regularly with Linda when he was raging or angry. He thought it would force Linda to submit and behave herself: stop challenging him. All that threats do is cause the person being threatened to lose their sense of safety and security, and to not trust the person threatening. Controllers (parents) often use the following with teens: “If you don’t______ you will be out of here (out of the house).” If you do ______again, you will be out of here”. This is extremely damaging, and can destroy any trust that a child has in his parent, and his sense of security. Threatening a child, or an adult, in this manner is abuse.

Lastly, it is a parent’s job to teach good communication, good conversation. That includes how to converse with everyone: males, females, teachers, friends, strangers(social skills), how to debate, argue constructively and effectively, the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness, how to be open and not argumentative, how to listen, give and take in conversation; sharing thoughts, stopping to reflect, showing caring/compassion; to talk about meaningful, interesting subjects; to be well rounded. People should talk about what is important to them, what they value, what they believe, and learn from others: be open.

Boys need to learn to discuss and care about things other than sports and “male things”. They need to know what they value other than sports heroes, sports, male things. They value things(people) other than winning, being the best, being better than others, themselves, money, material things, “I want it now”, being right. Sons of controllers do not learn to value conversation. Their fathers are quiet except when negative communication is needed : to correct, scold, or when talking about sports. Communication for these boys becomes being “talked at”, talked over, yelled at, and criticized.

Linda dated a man for a while, in his 60’s, who had not learned how to communicate except for the above ways. He did not know how to be with a woman effectively (except to do and talk about sex). In addition he was a lawyer. If a conversation started he must be allowed to totally finish his points, his “arguments” before the woman could speak. He would get furious if she “interrupted.” She would then get the silent treatment. When he had a problem with something she did, he did not discuss it. He just got silent. He did not converse; he “argued his points”. He loved talking in a courtroom because he could argue his points without being interrupted (he objected loudly if anyone interrupted). He could make his points ’til the cows come home.
Conversation/discussion involves give and take, reflection, listening, pausing, back and forth: you make a point or offer a thought; you pause, reflect and allow the other person to interject or speak; you listen, think and reflect, comment if you like…you offer not only your points, but reflect back to the person what you heard them say, what they may be feeling, and then they can respond. You offer encouragement, appreciation for their thoughts, expressing their feelings, appreciation for their words, knowledge; appreciation for opening up; affection: touching is wonderful while talking; acceptance: “ I accept all your thoughts and feelings; I may not agree but I accept that they are your feelings…I respect them and you, and here is what I think.”

This man did not like to “confront” problems in a conversation or relationship. He did not know how to do problem solving through communication. This man lost touch with his abusive father when he was 5. His single mother raised him and 4 siblings while working. She waited on him and doted on him. He did not receive effective discipline and guidance. He did whatever he wanted and then in Catholic schools he received harsh discipline and words for his unruly, undisciplined behavior, especially in high school.

When Linda wanted to discuss their problems, issues he simply would not. He said, “It reminds me of going to the principal’s office. I hate it”. He would clam up and be silent. He would rather end a relationship than have to discuss important issues. For him, dealing with problems/issues had always been frought with fighting, loud arguing, accusations, blame, harsh words, yelling, harsh punishment, unfairness. His mother didn’t deal with them at all. His absent father had hit the children, (beat the boys) (hit the mother).

Linda asked why his last marriage ended. He said they “fought a lot”. Linda knew that what he meant by this was that they had lots of issues, problems. The wife would try to discuss them, deal with them. He would not. So the problems festered, grew, went unresolved. If they did try to discuss them, they became “fights”. He was a controller and so he also felt he was always right on issues as well. There was no need to talk about it, “I am right, you are wrong. I will do whatever in the hell I want to do.” Because he was a controller, he OFTEN was upset, got mad about things his partners did. So there were often “problems”. He created problems/anger. Because of his negative perceptions and attitudes, he often would get upset, and then of course not want to talk about it. Even if the couple was discussing politics, current events, etc., if she did not agree with his opinions/points he would get mad. “You do not disagree with my opinions; do not argue with me; you must do things the way that I want you to do them”.

Couples must learn good communication, problem solving, not only for good, wonderful conversations, but for the times when communication needs to work on issues, or talk about serious, important things; to be able to converse, bounce things off of each other, share, care, discuss feelings, explore, reflect, talk about your joy, sad times, listen, touch: all communication.
We want men who use good communication, encouragement, let go of negatives and control, are aware of their attitudes, perceptions, judging others often; know how to be responsible and self-disciplined, how to love, and how to be with a woman.

 

What Women Want: Men who want lasting, romantic relationships

25 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: ,

What Women Want: Men who want lasting, romantic relationships

It seems there are two types of men, regarding relationships with women: the bachelor type and the relationship type. The type becomes apparent when they are young. They either enter into a serious, monogamous, loving relationship or not. Many men decide to just play the field and have fun. Some men decide at some point that they want to “settle down” but are unsuccessful. They either make this decision consciously or subconsciously. Then something happens. They grow old.

Some categories of men over 45 are:

1. Married young(early 20’s); married a long time; now single
2. Married young; divorced within 10 years; single since then
3. Married in 30’s; divorced within 10 years
4. Married in 30’s; married a long time
5. Married in 40’s; married a short time
6. Never married
7. Divorced in 40’s: married one or two very young women after that; now single
8. Married multiple times: 3-6 times

Then we have men over 45 who either still want to “be single”, but want someone to hang around with and have sex with, or have decided they might like to enter into a real, serious, romantic relationship with one woman. The problem is, they don’t know how to do this and have lost their youthful looks and youth. Trying to date these men is difficult because it is hard to figure out which category a man fits into. They are usually not going to tell us. They may now realize they have a problem; now have a track record or divorces; no marriages; short marriages; or non-quality marriages. They may see that they don’t do well in relationships with women. Perhaps all their lives they have focused on money and power, their jobs. Now they want to try to focus on a relationship.

The men who married young and were married a long time and then divorced, often were also focused on jobs, children, growing up, etc.; everything but their romantic relationships. Then 20-30 years later their marriages end, due to neglect, and/or growing up and apart.

For many of us, we simply don’t know how to do romantic relationships, or don’t know the value of loving, romantic relationships. Then one day we wake up and realize this. Some of us never wake up. The bottom line is that we should value loving, committed, wonderful romantic relationships and commit at an early age to learning about relationships, and working on finding them and making them strong. Young and old adults have to pay attention to relationships and be aware daily of making them wonderful and strong. Gone are the days of thinking relationships will develop and thrive on their own, with no giving and work done by us. The only way to get rid of the old and tired beliefs on relationships is to examine your parents’ relationships, read what a quality relationship looks like, and re-parent yourself. No one should go into automatic unless you saw a loving, wonderful relationship between your parents, and learned from it; and if your parents parented you in a loving, strong, kind, peaceful, communicative, instructful, successful way, devoid of teaching you ego, bad values, self-centeredness, taking and not giving, fear, control, and negativity.

So many men over 45 left long, bad marriages and don’t have a clue regarding the underlying causes of the relationship’s failings. Some have never thought about it. Some were so hurt by it that they give up on romantic relationships rather than learn how to do quality relationships. Women then meet men who have been unsuccessful in relationships all their lives. Rather than try to figure out why and which category a man is in, it is easier, and better, to just ask if they are looking for a real, romantic, committed, monogamous relationship. Then ask them to explain what they think that is, and ask if they have done some reading and discussing, relearning, re-parenting. Ask if they feel their parents had a great relationship, and explain that. Then you want to know if they are willing to pay attention to, nurture, become aware of, and work on a relationship. Explain what you mean by this. If they don’t know, or say no, you should walk away. Remember, many men, in their online dating profiles say that they want to be laid back, easy going, have no stress, etc. These men are probably not good candidates for giving attention to, learning about, talking about, planning good relationships. What we want to find out is: are you a relationship person or a confirmed “bachelor type” person? Do you believe quality relationships don’t require any attention, awareness, learning? Do you think you know how to love and be loved?(not talking about sex); What are you looking for in a relationship? What is quality to you?

Many single men have gone through 30-50 years of their lives not thinking about romantic/love relationships, no matter whether they were married or not. Again, they have focused on work, money, power, children’s activities, their good looks and egos, watching other people and trying to be like them( keeping up with the Jones’), etc. Then, we reach 45, and are without our past, and have to re-think our lives. Some people are equipped and eager to do this and some are not. In the dating world, that is the toughest part to find out.
It is also important to keep in mind that some men, after decades of relationship failures, become emotionally or mentally ill, or emotionally unavailable. Women will also need to figure this out when dating. It is not easy. For instance, one disorder is sexual addiction. These men thrive on attracting and “catching” women, and having new and exciting sex with them (whether the men are married or not). Usually once they have “won” them, they move on to their next conquest. The only way these men “feel” is when having sex. They cannot “love”. Also, feel-good chemicals and hormones are released during sex, acting much like a drug to sexual addicts. Attracting and conquering women boosts their egos. They are ego dependent. It shows(they think) that they are very attractive, know how to “win”, that they are talented, and better than other men. They do not respect women. They need to have new women oohing and aahing over them. This disorder is also not easy to uncover.

Finally, there are reasons that single people over 45 have not been successful in romantic relationships. It is important not to look at “end results”, or the final reasons people list as the “reason our marriage broke up”, or the “reason our relationship ended”. Keep in mind that just because a person was married for 20 years does not mean that they were ever good at relationships. If you were married for 20 years and never discussed your relationship, didn’t take time, every now and then to review the past, and talk about the future with your partner, to talk about all the things you appreciate about them, etc., you probably did not have a good relationship. It is more important to look at the big picture. Why has a man never been successful at relationships? What effect has it had on him? Are faithful, romantic relationships important to him? Has he become self-aware and wanting to learn how to do it “right”?

Couples can decide just to co-exist together: provide companionship and sex. But the fact that long marriages end after many years of doing this, shows that humans are not happy with a romantic relationship that never becomes a real, loving, fulfilling relationship after the honeymoon period is over. We want more. Evolved and complex humans are capable of great love, great intellectual and emotional stimulation, great affection and touching, great things, great relationships. But first we have to be aware, thinking, feeling, and self-actualized humans. We are capable of learning how to do things, move past instincts and fight and flight, and fear, discussing things, learning from each other, thinking about unhealthy pasts, and breaking cycles of unhealthy pasts, and evolving to be higher functioning, healthier and happier humans. We can and should re-parent ourselves. Humans are capable of using all resources available to them to learn and grow, and to seek out those resources. Unevolved humans don’t do those things. They don’t think about their relationships or seek to learn more, discuss with others, and seek out resources. They don’t seek to experience life at a grander and fuller level. Most of our higher level learning and growing should occur after the age of 21: learning about life, love, and fulfillment. When we kick into automatic, do what’s easy, get lazy with life, we are no better than lower level animals. We are not using the gifts our creator gave us. It starts with, “I want to do this.”

It is hard to understand how men go to work and talk about the past successes and failures, strategically plan for the future, and discuss improvement, quality, etc., but do not do this with their romantic relationships at home. It has to do with attitude, beliefs, values, lack of examination of values, lack of skills. It also has to do with how they were parented and what they saw their parents’ relationship as; their attitude towards authority figures, talking through problems, control issues, etc. Linda dated a man who, when they had a fight, refused to discuss it and work through it. Issues were never discussed. He said that discussing issues in relationships reminded him of going to the principal’s office. Somehow he transposed talking with an authority figure as being the same as talking with a romantic partner; saw it the same way. As a teen, he was parented poorly: thus never learned how to discuss his behavior, thoughts, feelings, etc. Punishment was used on him rather than discipline. He feared talking and thinking about himself. Men like this are able to talk about themselves and promote themselves at work because it is ego talking. They feel skilled in talking about their work. But talking about themselves at home, with a partner, is leaving ego, and talking about your heart, mind, soul, dreams, values regarding love, communication, etc. This man was a lawyer and his job was to talk, argue, help his clients. But he was unable to help himself and his relationships; unable to talk about them. For him communicating involved arguing, talking without being interrupted(control) (not knowing how to “discuss”), trying to win, being right, competing. He never learned how to communicate with a woman; a romantic partner, except about sex. With men he discussed his job, sports, sex, and women’s bodies. The only things he read about women were girly magazines. That teens and young adults never learn to talk about being healthy socially, emotionally, life, people, successful behavior, and relationship skills, is sad. We must learn to value healthy relationships and quality parenting.

 

What Women Want: Giving

25 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: ,

Time to Give; Time to receive

“It is important to know when we can give attention and when we need attention. Often we are inclined to give, give, give without every asking anything in return. We may think this is a sign of generosity or even heroism. But it might be little else than a proud attitude that says: “I don’t need help from others. I only want to give.” When we keep giving without receiving we burn out quickly…there is a time to give and a time to receive. We need equal time for both if we want to live healthy lives.”

Henri Nouwen in Bread for the Journey

So, what does this mean? We have looked at holidays and other “special days”. These are recognized as days of giving and giving thanks, being in gratitude. BUT, relationship experts know that the most successful romantic relationships involve men and women who learn how to do those things each day. GIVING is not just giving material things: flowers, perfume, gifts, etc. The best “things” to give are actually non-material things; to give of yourself is better.

One quick note: Speaking of “special” days such as anniversaries, birthdays…One behavior/attitude that communicates a great deal of “giving” and respect for your partner’s feelings is REMEMBERING special days. It is not OK for a woman to be conscious of remembering special days while her partner does not! This is a huge complaint from many women. Every man in a relationship should learn how to use a calendar with important relationship dates on it. “I forgot” does not hold water. If you care enough to remember and calendar your work appointments, deadlines; and your golf dates, then you can care enough to remember and calendar your relationship dates.

So, giving involves putting effort into “giving” each day, opening up and being vulnerable, and sometimes leaving your comfort zone:

  • · show appreciation to your date: “I appreciate you”; “thank you”; show gratitude each day; “I appreciate it when you…”
  • · give attention (positive): spend time together, have fun together; “the couple that plays together stays together”; learn to be “in the moment”: concentrate on the moment and the person you are with; are you ever with people who you feel are “not there”? do not think of the past, the future, your past experiences, betrayal, fear, anger, bitterness….let it go and be fully with this woman in the moment
  • · love (show love; say “I love you”); I love you regardless of how many mistakes you make, etc; (but I do not tolerate abuse); listen to your heart. It will tell you how to love and give. This takes sitting still each day; concentrating and listening to your heart, knowing how you feel, feeling your feelings about this partner, and telling your partner how you feel. When doing this do not allow the past; past feelings to enter your heart. If fear, past feelings: anger, hurt, bitterness, lack of trust enter your heart from past relationships, you need to get help and talk to your partner about it. You cannot love fully until you can let all that go. It also helps to learn meditation; to learn to be in the moment, with your feelings about this person, and how to not let other thoughts enter your heart, mind, and soul.
  • · give kindness; encouragement; patience. Let go of control .Let go of irritability, anger, fear, ego. Say, “I’m sorry”. These are powerful words; very courageous. Controllers think these words show weakness;
  • · show respect: “I respect you; I will respect your thoughts, feelings, words, ideas, right to not be yelled at…”;”I respect YOU; I like you”; “I respect your rights and your needs”; “I know one of your desires and needs is for me to remember special days”;
  • · plan fun together: celebrate the wonders of this world with your partner ; connect with nature and learn to enjoy simple things, simple wonders; experience joy; when dating, is for men to take the lead in giving and planning, (but this does not mean controlling). Men should often plan dates, dinner, entertainment, and an occasional “dress up” date. This is giving; putting forth effort and showing that you care.
  • · when planning fun or something to do together, step out of your comfort zone; do something new; something she likes to do, but maybe you have not done before, or don’t know if you like; let go of the attitudes and habit of saying, “I don’t want to”, “I don’t do that”; I don’t like to do that” (attitudes from a negative childhood); play together; rediscover the child in you; It is through playing with other children that children learn, on their own, with no lectures, how to meet their own needs while, at the same time, satisfying the needs of others. This is one of the most important lessons that people in any society can learn. Men who are raised by controllers often never learn how to play socially. They often learn only controlled play: games with rules, outcomes, expectations for achievement (sports, golf…). They learn competition and comparing themselves to others; the need to better. But when a child sits on the beach and builds a sand castle with another child they learn how to satisfy their own needs and how to satisfy the needs of others. They learn social skills: sharing, compromising, talking and creating together, enjoying sharing the experience with another child (it is more fun to do it with someone rather than to do it alone); I like to see my own creativity as well as that of my friend. I enjoy the company. He makes me laugh. I learn to make him laugh. We quit when both of us are ready; we learn to be considerate. We encourage each other and tell the other child what we like about their design, methods. We say, “we are good together!”
  • · ­­­­­initiate affection: give affection each day; not just affection aimed at “getting sex” ; intimacy on a regular basis; not just seductive affection; affection for good times and in bad times; Touching: touching your date randomly throughout the day: kissing, hugging (just for nothing), sitting close, putting your arm around her, touching/caressing her face, arm, leg… Walk up behind her and kiss her neck, pinch her butt… When dating, in the beginning, women want men to initiate affection. Then men will receive!
  • · give compliments; controllers and ego-centered men find it very difficult to give compliments
  • · think of your date during the day; give her a call or text; if you go through your work day and do not think of your date or spouse, something is wrong! It is a sign that you are either not really into this person or that you go through life in “automatic” (unconscious), not ever focusing on IMPORTANT THINGS: how to give in relationships; how to make your partner happy, how they make you happy
  • · get out of automatic; become a conscious giver; think and feel during the day; go through your day in a conscious fashion, thinking of the other person, how she makes you feel; what you can “give” to her; tell her! show her!
  • · know what you are passionate about; know what your date is passionate about; do things with her that she is passionate about, then she will want to do things that you are passionate about; find something that you are both passionate about
  • · doing things around the house: chores, cooking, etc.: this needs to be a shared thing; it is more fun and giving to do it together. When women give, give, give and do not get in return, bad things happen to relationships
  • · develop interests together: take dance lessons, etc. Do not get stuck in “doing things the way you did” them when you were 25; Show that you are interested in evolving, learning, changing, WITH her
  • · make love! Over time a couple should be able to move from “sex” to “making love”; this is the ultimate gift, act of giving; this also involves being fully with THIS woman; fully in the moment: no fantasizing about other women, other experiences….. open your eyes and get into this woman, take your time, give fully… don’t go into automatic. Explore; figure out what THIS WOMAN wants;
  • · be romantic! Learn how to do this! Plan and execute it! “When you sing to me”, when you want to watch full moons, when you wake me up at dawn and guide me down to watch the sunrise, sunsets, lay in the grass and watch the stars, have picnics, give backrubs, take showers together… See the article , “Eating With a Woman”; This is an example of giving! The act of going out to dinner and paying for it is material giving. The act of putting effort into making it a romantic and great experience is giving of yourself.
  • · Do not give advice; give the gift of listening, caring, reflecting feelings; give the gift of your time; to sit down and talk and listen.

When dating, remember that you will not be able to tell much just when going out on brief “dates”. The relationship must move to spending weekends together and hanging out in each other’s space. One of the best ways to figure out compatibility, see control issues, and figure out if a guy is a giver and able to “vacation” with a woman is to go on a vacation together.

Spend a whole weekend together and play. In New Orleans there are many places to play besides the Quarter. Discover the child in you again. http://neworleanscitypark.com/attractions.html City Park is the 6th-largest and 7th-most-visited urban public park in the United States. City Park is approximately 50% larger than Central Park in New York City. You can easily spend a whole weekend there! Go to the website and check it out. Enjoy sharing one another.

 

Political bullying

17 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags:

Political bullying

Our Congressional politicians are supposed to be wise, lawmakers, budget makers, problem-solvers, diplomats, etc. Many of them have simply become bullies, using lying, manipulating, yelling, anger, attitudes of might means right, abusing power, name calling, attacking, laughing at people, threats; goals of harming or intimidating, social aggression, controlling and dominating.

Bullying and threats have often produced a sequestration budget federally. Our lawmakers can’t even produce an efficient, effective budget. An across-the-board budget cut, with no analysis of how to do it in a quality way, is the stupidest move we have seen in a long time. Also,lawmakers use tactics of passing laws and new programming, and then don’t fund them, or defund them. It is political maneuvering.

I worked for federal judges. We are victims of the sequestration budget, as are all federal programs except the military, Pentagon, and a few other political favorites. We have across the board cuts, and a stand-still budget, cannot replace judges who retire or leave, and important staff who retire. If you think you are now going to get your swift day in court, think again. We have had several judges retire, with no replacements. We serve a region, with many southern states covered. If you live out of our town, in another state, and you think our judges are going to get to you in a timely manner, think again. Our travel budget has been reduced, not increased, as the number of cases increase.  Our Constitution requires a timely day in court, etc., but our lawmakers thumb their nose at the Constitution with across-the-board cuts. Congress created new Whistleblower laws and procedures. Our judges preside over those cases. Now Congress is not fully funding the offices meant to enforce those laws/procedures.

If you think you want LESS government, you need to study all the federal programs that enforce laws, your rights, your safety, and your safety net. Bullying targets the poor, women, weaker and at-risk populations, to support their push towards defunding government. They don’t talk about how all of us, the average American is affected by a defunded, inefficient, ineffective central government. Congresspeople are supposed to study and be aware of federal programming; strengths, weaknesses, needs, etc., and represent the federal government regarding pushing for efficiency, and effectiveness, and enforcing the Constitution and laws. Government staff cannot lobby. It is against the law. Government does not have million dollar lobbyists, as the private sector does, to push and influence Congress. We depend on competent Congresspeople, and an informed and advocating public. Sequestration came about due to bullying, threatening, obstructionism, power gone astray, fear mongering, and the inability of lots of people to govern effectively.

We, as citizens, have a responsibility to stay informed by intelligent sources, and elect intelligent, informed, non-bullies to do their job in Washington, and then to write to them, etc., watch them and try to insure they are doing what is best for this country, as well as for their states. Many issues are federal issues and initiatives that must or should be done on a national level, for the good of the union.

Believe it or not, our Congresspeople are supposed to form workable, respectful relationships with one another, so that they can govern effectively. They are not supposed to be bullies. Those bullies are probably also bullies in their other relationships, and form cultures of bullying. We need to put a stop to bullying at all levels.

Reveal the “good” in you

16 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , ,

We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is, knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the good stuff out

— Ray Bradbury

We need to learn how to let the goodness in us spill out!; how to talk and discuss about good, interesting and fun things. Many of us heard messages like: you are to be seen and not heard, from our parents. We have to let go of all those bad messages and “not good” things that we saw in our parents.

When you saw a father who was silent most of the time.; sitting in his easy chair, silent,

Thinking, thinking, thinking, like a zombie; Never speaking his thoughts.  He was never in the “now”; Thinking thoughts of, fear, uncertainty; about the past: his day; worrying about tomorrow; like the walking dead: fear, worry about the past and tomorrow; can’t enjoy now, today;

Thinking about other people(not their spouse and children); impressing others, how others act, behave; how I can be like that;  issues, problems;  not thinking about my family relationships, my marriage, how to be a great father; how to get up right now and do something good, new, different, positive, to contribute to my relationships now, today;

-How to let the good in me come out; how to let the boy in me come out and play, and talk, and cut loose; how to just be in the moment with my wife and children. Just get up and go cook with my wife, talk about their day with my children, without giving advice, criticizing. Read a book with my children or wife; talk about fun plans for the weekend…

Many men, in their dating profiles, on the first line, say, “I am a good man”; “people say I am a good man”. What does that mean?  Some say, “ I am nice; respectful; I laugh a lot”. Men need to be able to define what, “a good man” means. They need to be able to define their values, beliefs, attitudes, strengths; how they contribute to their family’s, and their own, emotional, mental, physical, intellectual, spiritual health.  Monetary health is important, but it is NOT the only thing. Money is not what makes you happy. It helps, but it is not the only thing. If it is the only thing we focus on (plus sports) we are missing the boat on “good man”. A “good man” is not one who, when with his pals, jokes about negative things, cuts people down(in fun!), talks about problems, says bad things about his wife and women; nothing but negative, negative, negative, (and then laugh about it).

We need to remember that most serial killers, shooters, abusers, are described by people, after the fact, as being “nice, a good man”, etc. “I would never have guessed this!”. Raising a child to appear “nice”, “good”, “respectful”, is good, but not enough.

Linda was dating a man who was a self-confessed taker, not a giver. He was a “me” person. He described himself, and his father, as “a good man”.

He had a daughter. One night, he and Linda were watching TV and scrolling through movies. Choices included the Star Wars movies, Harry Potter movies… Linda asked if he had seen all these great series. He said, “No. My daughter always wanted me to watch those with her, but I don’t like those kinds of movies.” Did you watch great Disney movies with her?  “No, I don’t like those kinds of movies”.  This man was unable to give to his daughter:  the gift of doing something with him that she enjoyed doing, but maybe he didn’t enjoy doing yet. When we give this type of gift to a loved one we find that we do receive pleasure (learn to like new things because we are doing it together), and give great pleasure. He missed great opportunities, and great opportunities for growing and learning, great opportunities for GIVING. Linda asked him what he is sentimental about. He said, “I am not very sentimental”; She was not sure he knew what that meant. He was a “surface” person; Lived on the surface of life, never diving down deep.

Now that he is 60, he is unable, unwilling to do “things that don’t interest me”, “things that don’t hold my attention”.  On dates, when they would sit down and watch movies, he fell asleep, even if they were top-rated action adventures. He only liked comedies. When they went to watch outdoor concerts, he would always lay down and go to sleep. When they went to the beach to sit, enjoy, and talk, he would lay down and go to sleep with his hat over his face.  He was not connecting with his date!! He was not giving of himself!  He was boring! When at concerts, or walking around, he never talked. Linda would look at him, trying to figure out “where he was”. She would ask him, “Where are you? Because you are not “with me”. Over time she figured out he was always thinking. He had had a lot of bad relationships. A couple of wives cheated on him, etc. He just was not a very happy man, although he said he laughed all the time with male friends(on the golf course). She noticed he watched people a lot; Thinking, thinking, thinking. Linda felt he had gotten to the point in life where he was afraid, unsure of himself, and trying to figure out “what happened”; didn’t know how to act anymore. He was not going to open up and “do or say something wrong”. He watched people as if he was trying to learn how to be; how to act. He was walking around thinking about his past and scared of the future. He was totally unable to be in the now with a woman. He was walking around comparing himself with other people.

When a man gets to 60, and has had a lot of bad relationships, and things have not gone well for him(except maybe in his job), he may become depressed, scared, mentally ill, etc. Women dating, over the age of 45, need to beware of this dynamic. We need to look for lots of positive things in a man, but also beware of strange things. Men must be able to show you “the good stuff” in them, and not have a long list of things they don’t do.

This man had a LONG list of things he “does not do, does not like doing” “does not interest him”, and a very short list of things he enjoyed doing; many things he had not tried. Women want men without a long list of  “I don’t do’s”.  Women want men who are fun and not boring, and willing to try new things.  You hear people say that men become set in their ways. It is not that they become set in their ways. It is that they have always been that way: Their fathers/male friends gave them clear messages regarding what “men” do and do not do. They also just have STRONG preferences regarding what they will and will not do. They are persnickety. They live in absolutes, “I never…I will not…I don’t do that…I must…”. We want to be with men who have learned what is “good” about them, like themselves,  and can show us what is good about them, and tell us what they like about us.

 

What Women Want: an equal and nurturing partnership

15 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: ,

The days of strictly divided and defined roles of man and woman from the agricultural days, the caveman days are gone. These roles were defined by need, strength of men, the woman bearing children. A woman’s job entailed skills and hard work to prepare foods from the field/farm, use time and labor intensive skills to prepare and cook meals with no machines, etc. It was hard but fulfilling work, using their hands, creativity; being skilled in creating a meal from start to finish with many steps involved. There was pleasure involved in producing a baked loaf of bread. All senses and talents were used: touch, sight, smell, with the rewards being the final product and a family who appreciated their hard work and talent, and product. They knew they had worked hard all day to produce the meals, often while taking care of children (often lots of children).

The men did the same. Worked hard all day, but usually outside, using their strength and skills. It was fulfilling, but hard work, using their hands, senses, enjoying the outdoors. Because of the intense manual labor, they often were very tired at night. And so was the woman; no machines to wash their dishes, etc. The children were EXPECTED to contribute and “work” also; doing chores and helping with the younger children. Again, even doing chores was fulfilling. Getting your hands dirty, gardening and making bread, was a lot more fun than “loading a dishwasher”. Children were trained by their parents, and did the work WITH their parents, siblings, in stages: parent gives instructions, child watches parent, child does it with their parent, then child does it alone with some supervision, parent gives feedback, child improves and gets encouragement, and is able to see the fruits of their labor.

Now, we are defined as either working in the home (including parenting), or working outside the home, whether you are male or female. Thus most people work all day and then come home (or are still at home) and want and need the same things in the evening and on weekends. If children are present, someone has to take care of parenting in the evenings and on weekends. Relationships and their roles are no longer defined by need, strength, division of labor by sex. Some men are still stuck in the old roles and old definitions; old expectations.

Women now want “equality”, as much as things can be equal, in the handling of who does what around the house in the evenings and on weekends. Men and women have the same needs: rest, recreation, a sharing of responsibilities so that it is fair for both, time alone, time with friends, time to pursue interests, time together as a couple, time for fun as a couple, the need to “receive” from your partner, time together as a family having fun… If there are no children, the needs are the same.

What is not fair is for one or the other to feel they have a right to getting needs met, while the other partner does not have these rights.  Believe it or not, women were also nurtured by parents, and continue to have a need to be nurtured when with a partner. We like to give and nurture but only when the nurturing is returned. We love to have someone cook for us, help around the house without being asked, offer to do nice and thoughtful things, plan fun, etc. When a woman or man is a “stay-at-home-parent”, that is a full time job, and the evening and weekend hours should have the same rights and privileges as a person who works outside the home. We all need to rest, recharge, and enjoy time with a partner and or kids.

There is a new opinion out by a famous male author which says that new research shows that men need to come home from work and have at least thirty minutes “off” while their testosterone levels balance off; something about that time of the day and their levels go up, so they need to relax until the levels level off. Did anyone do research on what a woman “needs” during the first 30 minutes at home, or during the early evening hours after raising kids all day? What her “hormone” levels are? Frankly, we don’t need to know these things. All we need to know is that you have 2 people who worked all day and are tired, and still have lots to do before going to bed. It is NOT ok to say one person is going to rest, while the other does the evening routines. If you have kids, you CAN’T both sit down and rest. You have kids to take care of. There is no reason why the evening routines should not be shared evenly.

The worst scenario is when the spouse says to the stay-at-home-parent: “what did you do all day? You sit around, watch the kids, let the house become a mess, don’t have dinner ready for me; now I am going to rest after “working” all day.” These spouses have NO idea what it is like to stay home and parent children all day. It may not be physically demanding, (but neither are office jobs), but it is stressful and requires very good parenting skills. You are around children all day, do not have a lot of adult contact, don’t get to go out to lunch, etc… miss the “adult” world. This causes stress. So the worst thing a partner can do is try to prove that their job is more tiring and stressful than the other partner’s. Also, a stay-at-home-parent is doing “parenting” all day, which we are not trained to do. The work-outside parent is usually in a job where they are skilled and trained. So they do not have the added stress during their day of constantly learning, relearning how to parent, kind of hit and miss at first, which can be very stressful. It does take skill to parent effectively and positively, and lots of patience.

If you are a couple without kids, it is OK to say, I need 30 minutes to relax and unwind. Then you both have 30 minutes to do what you “need” to do for yourself. The “30 minute unwinder” should not expect the other person to be “working” while they are relaxing.

Responsibilities should be SHARED. Plus chores/routines done together are a lot more fun than doing things by yourself.  Chores in this day and age are often boring, so we have to figure out how to get them done in a fair way. More on this in the next article.

Then there are weekends. I cannot understand how any partner can think that weekends are for them to rest, recreate, have fun, while their partner does nothing but raise the kids and keep the house! What is wrong with these people? Do they really think their relationship will survive long term if this is done? Weekends should also be shared and responsibilities and time should be doled out fairly. It is not OK for a partner to go out and have fun while the other stays home with responsibilities every weekend. So weekends have to be divvied up: one Saturday I go out to play(you take the kids or we get a babysitter); the next Saturday you go out to play(I take the kids or we get a babysitter); the next Saturday we stay home and do something fun with the kids; or if it is just adults, we do something fun together; the next Saturday I get to stay home and have alone time; the next Saturday you get to stay home and have alone time… Every other weekend should include “going out” as a couple, on a date.  When you become a couple, and /or have kids, it takes planning to make it work, because you have more than one person involved. You can’t just say, “I am going fishing this Saturday”, without consulting the other people in your life. If your partner is mentally, emotionally, socially, physically healthy, they will continue to be good partners and parents. If they are not, they will not be quality partners.  They will not be happy.  It is important to know that if a woman is around children all day, it is very important for her to get out and be with adults, and to get out and find “herself” frequently. If a woman gives up “herself” after becoming a spouse and mother, trouble is ahead.

Lastly, it is OK to have to ask occasionally for what you need or want. We are not mind readers, BUT women should not have to ask for what they need and want every week. If men don’t have to ask, women don’t have to ask. It should all be communicated, planned out and understood, as much as possible.  Some women feel they have to “ask” for everything and don’t like it: ask a partner to help, participate, ask for time alone or to go off on weekends, ask for affection and romance, not attached to sex, ask for dates and fun times… Not only should there be plans, but every now and then, men should offer a woman an act of kindness, an act of romance, an act of sentimentalism, that was not asked for or planned. If you sit around all day everyday and NEVER think of your partner in great ways and think about what you can do for her that would be nice or romantic, your relationship is in trouble.

Women just want fairness and “equality”, and to be nurtured, when it comes to adult relationships, and not be asked to give up parts of ourselves and our needs and wants. We want to share our lives in a special way with a partner. Life these days can be mundane, each day a repeat of the day before. We don’t plant and tend crops and animals, bake bread. We are not using our hands and bodies and our senses are not flooded with the wonders of nature and nurture, when we sit in offices. In this day and age our relationships can provide wonder, love, fun and experiences that tingle our senses. We can discover wonder and joy again together. But it takes planning, desire, creativity, discussions about us, learning to play and enjoy simple pleasures again, and learning to live in the moment. It takes wanting to give in a relationship, working on it, and then reaping the rewards.

What Women Want: Men who are not empty inside: are not “other directed”

15 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: ,

We have to redefine ourselves and grow and learn about ourselves as we get older; get in touch with ourselves; love ourselves; We can’t define ourselves by our “roles”, because those roles change. We can’t base our self esteem on our roles, “jobs”, on our egos.  When we get older and “retire” our roles change again. If we have lived our lives only defining ourselves as our job roles, we then are lost when we no longer have those roles.  We have to know ourselves internally; our hearts, souls, minds, thoughts, values, beliefs, emotions (get rid of negative thoughts and emotions); those are the only things we have control over. We control our internal things; have no control over the external.

We can’t define ourselves by what others think of us. This is called being “other-directed”. Some of us define our success and happiness, how “good” we are, by external sources, rather than internal feelings, thoughts, attitudes. Men especially are taught to define success/how good they are, by competitiveness, comparing themselves to others; praise from others; doing things better than others; looking and being better than others; thinking you have to be “like” others; These men are ego-directed. They learn to only feel good about themselves when they get praise; feel they are better than others; look better than others; have a bigger house; perform better than others; perform as they think others expect them to perform; fear being judged “negatively” by others: being called a “sissy”, etc.  They are not happy unless they think others are happy with the way they behave.

We have to learn to not be ego driven, and be inner-directed. Especially when we get older and are no longer: the best, the best looking, etc. We must be able to do self-talk; praise/encourage ourselves; know what our values, beliefs, attitudes, needs are, and let go of “bad”, ineffective values: “I value being the best, being better than you, getting praise from you”. Your value is then based on other people’s views of you and your opinion of yourself based on comparing yourself to others. You are YOU, not someone else.

Being inner-directed means we compare ourselves with ourselves; we praise and encourage ourselves; feel good about ourselves because of “who we are”. We value: improving, working hard, learning new skills/new things; PMA, enthusiasm, being loving, kind, committed, persistent, compassionate, loyal, responsible, caring, sharing, friendly, wise, intelligent, knowledgeable, thoughtful…   We have to know who we are internally, based on our values, beliefs, attitudes, words, actions.

If you have grown up being ego directed and other-directed, and wanting to control others, it is necessary to shift to knowing yourself, internally, and being in control of yourself: your thoughts, attitudes, beliefs, words, self-talk, etc.

Men who are ego-oriented talk about how others praise them, how they do things quicker, better than others, etc. This has to shift to them internally praising/encouraging themselves -good self-talk; “I am a good person…” ,not, “I am a good person because others tell me so”;  example: when you go to yoga, the goals should be to improve YOUR abilities to internally control/develop your: mind, soul, heart, thoughts, negative emotions and improve your yoga physical skills compared with yourself; how you did last time; how u have progressed.  Ego driven people while at yoga are watching others; comparing themselves with others; “I am better than him”; hoping to get praise from the instructor; while doing yoga are not working on erasing negative thoughts, ego thoughts, controlling what thoughts enter their mind, how they are feeling: happy, content, peaceful, mindful, ability to go to a “peaceful place” and focus on breathing, positives-positive self-talk; ” I am loving, kind, friendly, giving, caring, sharing, open and vulnerable, creative…”

We have to learn how to define ourselves and our happiness by focusing on this day, this moment; enjoying and appreciating little things; learning… Not looking for problems and problems to solve(using our “skills”); volunteering, focusing on our strengths apart from our “jobs”; developing a long list of things we “will do”, want to do, rather than hanging onto our long list of things we “won’t do”. Let go of old ineffective ways of doing things; attitudes, beliefs- let go of negative thoughts/emotions; guilt, anger, resentment, blaming, fear, bitterness, regret, revenge; let go of the past; love yourself-then you will attract people who are lovers. Focus on where you are now and how to move forward; being grateful for each day and what you “have” and are.

Middle age men often start feeling empty inside. They are aging, losing some of their attributes regarding how they used to define their success and happiness; things that others used to praise them for. They are dependent upon praise from others in order to feel good about themselves. They fish for praise: ask others: “How did I do?” “How do I look?”… We have to feel good about ourselves inside, for WHO we are; encourage ourselves.

When dating middle age men, notice if men seem ego-oriented, fish for praise, tell you that others think they are great, are often unable to give you compliments, unless they want to get one back from you; want to only do things they have been doing all their lives, that they are good at; seem to be unhappy people unless they are working, competing, doing tried and true activities, controlling others, solving problems, fixing things; These men will NOT retire well… all things to consider when dating middle age men. Controllers are other-directed men; outer directed. They expect praise and are manipulators: use praise to manipulate, and tell you that others think they are great in order to get you; get you to think they are great. They are not able to encourage themselves internally, nor to encourage you. They are empty inside. Look out when they are no longer able to get praise or don’t see themselves as great/great looking in other people’s eyes.

What Women Want: Men who know what it means to be a quality partner/parent

15 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Lisa Mahaffey, MSW in Relationships Tags: , ,

Again, how well we fare in relationships is caused mostly by how we were parented and how we saw our parents faring in relationships. Were our parents quality parents? Did they show us what great relationships look like by modeling them? Did they have great relationships with each other and with us? If your parents divorced while you were young you will have to find other adults in quality relationships to study, or read about quality relationships.

When I was at The Parenting Center, one of the groups of parents that I worked with were abusive parents referred by the courts. I did groups with them and taught them parenting classes. When teaching parenting to people that don’t want to be there and think their parenting is just fine, you have to help them understand what quality parenting looks like, and help them to see that their parents were not quality parents. Most abusive parents were abused as children. Most of us parent as our parents parented if we don’t learn how to parent differently and better: effectively, positively. In order to want to learn better ways we have to be motivated to learn to be better. Many abusive people have not seen other people parenting positively and effectively. They may think that the way they are parenting their children is “normal” or OK, (because they don’t know better). I would ask parents if they thought they were parenting well: good parents. They almost always said yes.

Then I would ask them if they thought their parents were good parents. They almost always said yes. Sometimes we put up defense mechanisms so that we can pretend we are “normal” (good people), and that our parents were normal. Maybe if we say we are good parents and that our parents were good parents it will be so. You wonder why people who were abused find it so difficult to voice that their parents were abusive. Some just block it out and never think of it again – until they have children. Then the abuse rears its ugly head. MANY dysfunctional people have a hard time admitting they are not high quality adults, not in high quality relationships. Their egos will not let them admit it, see it, and will not let them admit that they want their children to be and do better than them. So, the cycle of abuse and dysfunction repeats itself again and again. So then I would ask the parents if their parents produced happy, successful people: were they happy and successful (in relationships), and “good people”? They had to sit and think. Sometimes they would hesitate and say, “I think so”. Then I would give them a list of “qualities/skills” that experts list as qualities that happy, successful, emotionally healthy people have, and ask them to read them: honesty, integrity, hard worker, positive mental attitude, enthusiastic, loving, dependable, sense of humor, persistent, compassionate, responsible, caring, good-finder, friendly, goal-directed, wise, intelligent, good listener, organized, knowledgeable, energetic, thoughtful, able to regulate their moods…

Then I would ask them how many of those qualities/skills/attitudes they had. There would be silence. They had NEVER thought about what happy, successful looks like. They never thought about what qualities/skills they should teach/instill in their children for them to be happy/successful. Too many people just go into automatic when they become parents and just parent like their parents parented. They never stop and think, “I was abused and parented terribly. I want to learn to do it differently for the sake of my wonderful child.” Too many people also just go through life in automatic, doing relationships and everything else as their parents modeled them. We must, as adults, become self-aware and realize what it is we want to be like; what qualities we want to possess, what we want to get rid of that our parents passed along; what can help to make us happier people, and be in good relationships. So, these abusive parents had never thought about it. When we were abused we don’t have: good coping skills, good stress management skills, certainly good parenting skills. So when parenting challenges come up, or when the normal stress of parenting comes up, we not only don’t have skills, we don’t have ways to manage stress. We learned only to yell, hit and do drastic things. When yelling, hitting don’t work, behavior gets worse, and abuse occurs. After reading the list, we would sit in silence and think for a while. Soon some parents would get teary eyed. I would ask them if they thought their parents had built those qualities in them. Did they have those qualities? Did their parents’ methods of parenting build those things in them? Most people said “no”; the beginning of awareness. Even fathers in the classes would admit finally that they did not have these qualities; realized that their parents were not good parents, realized what they would like to become, and opened up to learning. Most importantly, they realized they were doing the same things to their kids as their parents had done to them.

As the classes went on, parents would continually get teary eyed as they learned positive, loving, effective parenting, and realized what they did not know. Going through life in automatic and being blind to bad parenting is not the way to go. We perpetuate the cycle, damage our children, but also continue to be damaged people going through life unhappy. Abusive/neglectful parents are often also terrible role models for what adult relationships, romantic relationships look like. So people from abusive/neglectful parents also have to learn just general relationship/people skills.

When dating, we want to find men who are good in relationships, and know what that means. The same qualities/skills we list for happy and successful people, make for people good in relationships. We need to get to know our partners very well before we marry them, or stay with them, or begin parenting with them, and look for those qualities. We need to find men who are self-aware, know what that means, and want to become more and more self aware and grow and improve. Dating in your 50’s, if you meet a man who has been a constant failure at relationships, who has never been married, or never with a woman for very long, you may want to think twice. If he thinks he is just fine and doesn’t need or want to grow and learn; run. It’s true what they say, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” (usually). Beware of men who say they are, “laid back and easy-going” (lots in their 50’s). They just want to be left alone to continue living their same old unhappy life, with no idea what real happiness looks like. They want you to hang around and do what they enjoy doing, and take care of them, and be quiet.

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